I get variants of this question all the time: My friend with mental illness stopped talking to me, what do I do? It is both incredibly sad and very heartening question to get asked all the time. It’s incredibly sad because it means there are so many people with mental illness refusing to talk to people who care so much about them. The heartbreak when this happens is very, very real. On the other hand, it’s heartening in some ways because it means that these loved ones want to reach out anyway. These people asking me this question clearly care and are showing empathy to the person with mental illness and want to help. That’s a beautiful thing. So today I’m going to try to answer the question: Why would a person with mental illness stop talking to you? (My next post will cover: What you can do when a person with mental illness won’t talk to you.)
When a Person with Mental Illness Stop Talking to You
When there’s a breakdown in communication, the first question the friend/parent/partner wants to know is why would my loved one with mental illness stop talking to me in the first place? This is a toughie and, of course, varies depending on the specifics of each situation.
What I want to say about this is that mental illness, particularly serious mental illness like bipolar disorder, can make us curl up and refuse to face the world sometimes. Everyone wants to retreat from the world now and then, I know, but mental illness is so much bigger and so much weightier than your general problem that it absolutely stands between us and everything else. This is the fault of the mental illness and not you. In these cases, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Also, keep in mind that sometimes a mental illness like bipolar disorder (generally the depressive state) can make us feel unworthy of your love, empathy, compassion, friendship and so on. This is also not your fault. You didn’t do anything to cause this. Again, this is the mental illness talking.
And finally, there is always the possibility that the person with the mental illness is having a major mental illness episode and that is preventing him or her from functioning on any level. You wouldn’t believe how impossible it is for me just to send a text message to a person some days. The phone seems to weigh 1000 pounds and I suddenly have the strength of a sparrow.
Why Would a Person with Mental Illness Continue Not Talking to You?
And, of course, the longer this goes on, the more you reach out to the person with mental illness and the more he or she ignores you, the harder it is for the person with mental illness to stop this cycle. We worry you will hate us. We worry you will be mad at us. We worry you have stopped loving us.
And while it’s very likely that you, the loved one, have not stopped loving us or suddenly hate us, it can be very hard for us to understand that in the midst of an episode.
What You Need to Know When a Person with Mental Illness Stops Talking to You
I love that in spite of the person’s mental illness and in spite of the person’s silence you still want to connect. You’re amazing. Thank you. You need to know that even if we don’t say it, we appreciate your care and support.
And you need to know that, as I’ve said, what’s going on is very likely not your fault. When I don’t reach out even when people ask me to, it’s not because I’m upset with them it’s because I’m upset. With me. My brain is upset. My brain isn’t working. That’s all about me and not you.
If you’d like to know what to do about this situation, please read: “What to Do When a Person with Mental Illness Stops Talking to You.”
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Image by Devient Art user tears2roses.
probably because you refer to him/her as “person with mental illness”
Tracy, I read an article of your on the internet. It was about feeling nothing. I have no polar2 and I also am trying to deal with auto immune I got after a bad surgery.. I’ve never been quite this bad. I’ve tried so many things to get going or feel better.. Lately it’s bee to the unworthy part. I can barely get a shower in and try to eat. I want to just disappear. Even doing this is so hard. I hate myself and just wish that I could at least do things robotically. It’s been going on way to long, I don’t think my doctor gets it. I feel incredibly guilty and even winder from day tho day if I can be reliable. I pray for a better day. Keely
I’m sure there are alot of reasons and for me it was like crossing an invisible line I never knew existed until today. I have dealt with bi-polar 20+ years successfully if there is such a thing but 5 years ago I lost everything starting with a job layoff and too many other issues to comment on. 3 years ago I attempted suicide I believe in hindsight it was a call for help and I was better for awhile but 7 months ago I became too depressed to function and am still here today but this “line” I realized no one is listening anymore and the last thing anyone has is compassion, they’re tired and so am I.
Truthfully? I’m tired of everyone saying how busy they are like I have nothing going on. BP is with me but I still work full-time, go home and play mom/wife, cook, clean, and get everything ready for tomorrow to do it all over again. All while picking up my meds, seeing my psychiatrist, and trying not to harm myself because IS THIS ALL REALLY WORTH IT??
My 32 year old son has a mental illness. His dad and I love him very much. He claims we abused him as a child and stole money from him. It has been 2 1/2 years since he has talked to us. We weren’t perfect parents but we loved him and did all that we could for him. I think of him every day and I miss him so much. It is like a part of me is missing. I hate the holidays that are coming because I know I won’t see him. He will be all alone instead of with a family that loves him. I pray everyday that he will let us back in.
Excellent article. I have a recurring problem with withdrawing especially during the winter. Luckily I have friends that know it’s the disease though some anger is inevitable. This does not in any way make it easier, but it does make it possible to “hibernate” and not have it turn into rejection. The definition in your book that “everything is amplified” plays into this for me, as does a difficulty to focus.
Looking forward to the next article regarding those who stop speaking. We have a patient on the ward who has not spoken for years.
Cheers,
Robert
Seriously grateful I’ve found this site. I’ve grown up all my life with immediate family with mental issues my mother has bipolar disorder her sister is affected by Schizophrenia and have been in Manic situations that have been so horrendous I’ve mentally blocked them out. I’ve been trying to find research about how we can help because we don’t really deal with anything til it happens and then we pretend it didn’t happen so ive wanted to get any REAL information so to speak not just doctorfied information so will definitely be following. Arohanui Much love
ANd sometimes, it’s not their mental illness, but you drifted apart, as people do and they no longer feel it’s worth the effort.
Sometimes it is you done something to annoy them and they just don’t like you anymore, just as other “normal” people.
Sometimes life to got too busy for them and they will talk when they are able to grab bit of time.
Cause life is not easy to put in a short blog entry, you know…..
Hi Natasha, Am enjoying your book. Yes, so relate to your last post because my son who has bipolar stopped communicating with me altogether. I have Schizo Affective Disorder and his father had bipolar too.
I do tend to blame myself because i knew we were both diagnosed before our son was born and he was planned. I simply thought it was possible for us to lead a normal life at the time. Of course my son didnt have a normal childhood and this summer sunk into a terribly deep depression after a manic attack last Xmas. Then he stopped talking to me.
Now he has formed a relationship with someone online and his depression has lifted but already she has broke this off once and I don’t know how long this relationship will last? Or what on earth will happen to him if it doesn’t?
At the moment he is talking to me and seeing me. I don’t know how long for though and this last summer he never left his flat for three months.
I ended up being hospitalized myself for over two months as it affected me so much.
At the moment he is getting help and so am I from the MHT but I know he will stop reaching out to me if this online relationship ends.
He tends to insist the MHT dont discuss anything about him with me too.
People really dont realize just how traumatic this can be for loved ones and thank you for writing your post.
never stop talking. that’s just the way it is. even if your family is as toxic as anthrax, you cannot allow silence to descend.
america’s fleet of nuclear submarines wanders the ocean depths: nobody knows where they are, which is the whole point. because of this, they send constant reassuring messages back to command and control: we are here. we are okay. god forbid the day comes when these simple messages cease. and so too with mental illness: we are tasked with sending constant messages of reassurance to those who love us. maybe not as often as the submarines, but still, frequent enough so they don’t panic and conclude that all is lost. once again, i can’t give you a reason because there is no reason; you’re a human being, you’ve got to let people know. another day has gone by, you’re still alive. here you are, still here.