There is no amount of bipolar pain that can kill you; we have the ultimate power over suicide. I have suffered and suffered and suffered for so long that I know this to be true. Yes, people attempt/commit suicide, I know. But it isn’t because of the amount of pain, per se, it’s because they don’t see a way out of it. Because emotionally, I can hit you and hit you and hit you and you just won’t, cannot, die. Some days I wish this weren’t true. Some days I wish that the extreme pain would just kill me, that I would just get walloped that one last time and die. Like running into the final brick wall that bipolar offers only to find it really took my head clean off. I have learned, though, that I have the ultimate power over a death by suicide.
Bipolar’s Pain Can’t Kill You – You Have the Power Over Suicide
There is just no amount of pain from bipolar disorder (or anything else) that can kill you. There is no amount of pain that can kill me. It can make me want to die. It can make me beg for death. But it can’t take the final step and make me stop breathing. I have the ultimate power over that kind of death. I have power over my own suicide.
Why Does the Power Over Pain and Suicide Matter?
Why does this matter? Because of this: it’s actually rather comforting.
It’s actually rather comforting to know that while bipolar disorder is trying to kill me pretty much every second of every day, it can’t do it, only I can. I actually have the power over death by suicide. I actually have the power to not give into what it wants. I actually have the ultimate power over the bipolar disorder. It can hit me and hit me and hit me and while I’ll be on the mat, sure, my heart will continue to beat. I will still be here for my kitties. I will still be here for my readers. I will still be here for my loved ones. Bipolar cannot kill me if I don’t let it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to disrespect those with bipolar disorder who have died by suicide because of this horrendous illness, not at all. These people were not weak. These people were just overwhelmed a symptom of an illness that is, well, overwhelming.
The Ultimate Power Over Suicide and Bipolar’s Pain
I’m just saying that we, as a group, have the ultimate power and need to stand strong with the knowledge of that power. I know that some people feel they have no choice when the pain gets so bad. I understand that. I have been there. I have been where there seem to be no exit signs. But, even then, I still had the power over suicide, even though the pain of bipolar make me feel like I didn’t.
So each of us who have suffered, each of us who have been knocked to the mat, can stand and say we are not dead because we exercised our ultimate power. We made the choice not to die. We made the choice to slog through the pain in spite of what it does to us.
The pain cannot kill you. Only you can kill you. Own your power.
Image by Flickr user Live Life Happy.
Natasha,
Suicide is an out. No more struggle. Mental pain combined with physical pain gives life a whole different meaning….
Pam
Your bravery and abilty to remain positive is beyond wonderful! This topic is very relatable; I have clients who describe their battle with bipolar disorder as a constant war between the real them vs a chemical imbalance. Thank you so much for sharing your story and experience, you’re such a brave person :-)
The whole concept of “you” vs. what your brain chemicals are telling you is such an amazing and freeing concept. About three years ago after 30 years of struggling with bipolar I finally was put on the right combination of drugs. The drugs allowed me to develop eating habits (high protein with lots of greens) and sleep hygiene (to bed at the same time every night etc..) that has put me in a place where my doctors tell my that the bipolar is in remission. I don’t fight thoughts of suicide anymore, I enjoy life. When I’m happy, I’ve stopped worrying that OMG is this a mania starting. I am so grateful, and I’m making this comment to tell others – don’t give up. I tried every single drug they had for bipolar. I still have coping strategies and the illness is always at the door. But now I know if I somehow miss a night’s sleep – everything stops and I make sure I get a good night’s sleep the next day. I realized that the drugs can stop working, but I take a day at a time.
Don’t give up, never give up – I didn’t think it was possible to live a life where I wasn’t fighting myself every day – but it is possible.
I know physical pain. I suffer with nerve pain on random occasions. I’ve had the pregnancy and birthing and I’ve had the bones break and i’ve had the nerves coming back “on line” from having been deadened for so long and I’ve had a tube shoved up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach to suck out the mess dwelling inside. I know pain.
Bipolar pain is the worst… mental pain is worse.
It is your mind turning against itself in the most insidious of ways and it changes it’s MO quite often so, you think you have a grasp on it and BAM, a different tactic. It is a continuous unrelenting unmerciful war against YOU.
No wonder many of us “personalize” the illness as some entity out to destroy us… because it seems like we are being bombed and shelled every literal day. Some days are so much freer and better, one or two explosions perhaps or we are mentally strong enough and confident enough to withstand it’s onslaught… and then the depressive cycle starts and well… we are 2/3 in our own graves.
Just yesterday I screamed to my 4 walls of my bedroom.. to God and the Universe and said “I’m done!” Course, I am not cause I am here typing out this reply… but for a brief few moments, it was liberating to know that I was done, having decided I would.
Today? Not certain if it will attack me again, most likely will.
It’s a day by day type of thing.
I am 5o years old.been suffering from depression since I was 18 years old. have two kids. and right now I am thinking of ending it.i am so tired. I have given up on life ,lost my faith and a realization that I never ever mattered. the bullshit quotes that I was fearfully made was never true.i don’t matter.god picks others over me. 30 over years I have been praying but now I know if he knew me or cares about me he would have done something but no he doesn’t care about me so whats the point of it all
My son died by suicide. I am always reading about the pain of mental illness. Not having experienced it, I want to know what it feels like. I know I am lucky that I don’t know, but having lost my son….I try to understand it.
Please don’t think I’m trying to be a wise guy. I don’t want to trigger anything in anyone. I understand the pain of a migraine. I understand physical pain. I try to grasp emotional/mental pain and I am at a loss.
Thanks for considering my question.
Hi Mary,
I can’t answer that question for you. There is nothing that a normal person experience that will really make you understand in the way that I think you want. I can give you some links to my writings that may help, but please understand we are all different and so is our pain.
Please read this first: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/suicide/loved-commits-suicide/
https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/exaggerated-physical-pain-bipolar-depression/
https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/depression-pain-events-worse/
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2016/11/dissociation-because-of-the-pain-of-bipolar-disorder/
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2016/02/eight-tips-for-ignoring-bipolar-pain/
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/07/the-rhythm-of-pain-during-depression/
https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/
https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/live-sadness-pain-bipolar-disorder/
As you can see, I have written a lot on it or something like it.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t know what that feels like, but my heart goes out to you.
– Natasha Tracy