Bipolar disorder can absolutely make me feel useless. I woke up this morning and I went about my routine of feeding the cats, taking meds and so on. That’s fine. Then I sat down at my computer to start work. I started doing my social media tasks for the day, answering comments and so on. And then my brain just seized. Suddenly, thanks to bipolar disorder, I was useless.
What Does Being Useless Feel Like with Bipolar Disorder?
Being useless with bipolar disorder feels like it sounds – it feels like you’re a waste of space, skin and air. In my case, I tend to feel really useless when I can’t work. When I can’t do the things I’m paid to do, I just don’t know why I’m awake at all. I’m work-driven. I’m like that.
And keep in mind, bipolar disorder doesn’t just make me useless for work, it also makes me useless in life. If my brain is seized, it’s not like I can do other things, either. My brain just wants to stare at the wall – not even the television – the wall. Now that is seriously useless.
I’m not saying that your average person’s brain can’t seize, because it can, but mine does it so frequently and severely.
Why Does Bipolar Disorder Make You Feel Useless?
Of course, I don’t understand the human brain. What I do understand though, is that sometimes my bipolar brain turns into a rock. It thuds around in my skull capable of nothing. I hate feeling capable of nothing.
Sometimes I think it’s related to stress. If there is too much to do, I can freeze up completely. This is a normal, human reaction for some, but, certainly, you’ll find that it happens to many of those with bipolar far more often and far more easily.
Overdoing it can also make me useless thanks to my bipolar disorder. I only have so much energy and brain space for a day. And if I push through that, I will absolutely pay for it in the future. Similarly, if I don’t rest enough, my brain will take it out on me.
If Bipolar Disorder Makes You Feel Useless
If bipolar disorder makes you feel useless, you have my sympathies. I know how much I hate it, how much I’m driven to beat myself up about it, and how so many people are standing right there with me.
That said, there are things to remember if bipolar disorder makes you feel useless:
- Don’t beat yourself up. I know I just said I was driven to beat myself up because of feeling useless but I shouldn’t do that and you shouldn’t either.
- This is a bipolar symptom, not a personal failing. One of the reasons I’m prone to feel guilty and shameful about this is because I do view it as a personal failing. But it isn’t. It’s a bipolar disorder symptom. It’s medical. It’s neurological.
- Give yourself a break. If we understand that this is not a personal failing and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it, then we should give ourselves a break. This really crappy stuff happens with bipolar disorder and we need to allow for it gently and gracefully.
- Stare at the wall. Okay, I’m not saying that you should spend hours staring at painted expanses, but I am saying that if that’s all your brain can do, just do it for a time. You can try to pry your eyes away in a little bit.
- Rest. I’m a big believer in rest. I’m a big believer that if you rest now, you will be more useful later. If your brain won’t work, stop flogging it and trying to force it. Give it what it needs instead.
In short, when bipolar disorder makes me feel useless, I have to accept it without judgment. I have to accept that it’s a bipolar symptom and I have to accept that it just happens. I can’t stop it and it isn’t my fault.
I hope you know that if it happens to you, it’s not a failing on your part. It’s just your bipolar brain throwing a fit. And it does that from time to time, unfortunately.
(Also read: I Can’t Do Anything with Bipolar Depression — Or Can I?)
Banner image by Flickr user Kristina D.C. Hoeppner.
? wow I always have this happen. Just yesterday my friend wanted to call me and I literally couldn’t speak. When the tv Is on it my roomate is talking I literally glaze over lights on no one home . By the time I realize it I missed what is going on. Thank u for this article Natasha!
Natasha, I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, and I just read “Lost Marbles,” too. I was diagnosed BP2 summer of 2017 after a lifetime of depression (and hypomania,I understand, now). The diagnosis came on the heels of a 9 month breakdown complete with sheriffs in my yard, a stay in the hospital, losing my small business, and almost losing my wife and kids. I was hit with so many benzos and SSRI’s before I finally received Lamictal – it was a nightmarish, tear-filled, anxiety-ridden ferris wheel of pain and self-loathing that will shape me forever. My recovery is ongoing and I still struggle mightily, but I don’t cry everyday and I am learning how to live again. I hope I will be able to work again, too. I want you to know how much your writing has meant to me. I read a lot of forums while I was dying (no other word for it), but I never had anyone with BP to talk too in person, and I still don’t. The professionals (some of them) do their best but simply cannot relate. My friends and family care deeply, but they just can’t understand. Your writing, especially your book, was like FINALLY having someone understand what I have been facing all these years – having someone to talk to. When I read in your book how ALONE it feels to be BP I just broke down in tears. I wrote so much about that in my journal. I am afraid to have my family read the book because I know how SCARY the truth about BP is. I don’t want them to know about the 10% suicide success rate, for example. But I’m glad that you have shared with me how powerful this monster is to you, so I don’t feel so alone in my fears. Keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight, for all of us. Thank you!
I’m rapid cycle, peak to peak 21 to 29 days. My career was in Engineering, Production Developement, Plant Management. Family background of BP.. My issues really started in 1990 but wasn’t diagnosis until 2014, and only after I threaten to punch out an employee. I’m also Insulin Dependant Diabetic. I’m told the years of high stress and frequent episodes, which usually resulted in a job change, have taken a toll. I’m restricted to menial part time work with limited person to person contact. Basically I’m disabled, don’t have all pensions in place yet, and can’t drive because of the effects of BP & Diabetic Meds. My wife supports us. Yes I feel very useless most of the time. I grow a garden, raise a few chickens, cook meals, whatever I can do. Even then it takes forever, my mind wanders I forget where Im going or what for. We have a wood furnace, I forgot to tend it until the house gets cold. It was hard coming to grips with this being the new normal. Glad I found your blog, need some one to connect with.
I feel this way a lot. Many people probably think that I’m lazy, although when I feel better I can get a lot done. I put a lot of thought into what other people think of me. I’m reading a book, Immediate Happiness by Anil Gupta that says ‘what other people think of me is none of my business’. People close to me say I’m selfish. My thoughts are so disorganized. I’m 33 and lost.
Hi Lisa,
I’m so sorry that you feel lost right now. I know that many people know that feeling — especially those struggling with mental illness.
You need to learn about you and you need to learn about the illness. Those two things will help you.
Not to be too self-promotional, but I have a book that might be helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Marbles-Insights-Depression-Bipolar/dp/1539409147/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1506691764&sr=1-2-ent&dpID=41Aa9BWPOML&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=detail
You see, once you learn more about the illness, you’ll be able to separate what is you and what is the illness and this will help ground you. Also, if you can get therapy, I highly recommend it as they can often show you a helpful path.
I hope that helps. Remember, many of us have been lost, but we get found again.
– Natasha Tracy
Another way BP makes me feel useless: trying on clothes ewwwwwww
On Tuesday I found a in between top that was from Topshop ( a fave store)
Omg! Where last yr it would have flowed nice at the bottom….
I LOOKED PREGO!!
So I bought cute unicorn slippers sz small) least hands / feet will forever be!
I was instantly pissed off.
The mall was making me angry the noise,all the high end stuff,plus I had to food shop next,had no energy
Had to use my UK stubbornness & BP push yourself quotes” to do it.
I saw a pair of jeans @ Topshop w studs down the sides sure I WONT FIT BUT GOING TO RING THEM UP
Anyway
Hi Natasha,
Once again another blog that was totally meeee.
I think often of the Madonna song Frozen” or getting a root canal@ the dentist ……
I get again) so frustrated when I’m like a computer with none of the icons working,,
I’m trying & trying nothing is working.
I definitely feel much better after a long sleep,I don’t care wtf my Dr says.
I never get enough sleep anyway,plus I’ve pain problems as well that make me miserable.
Yesterday I slept in the afternoon 5 h nap ( sleep) woke up computer still on top of me ( iPad)
I always overdo overload then next day pay the price ( that was the next day I slept 5 hrs)
Was out 10:30-5
Mostly on foot ( killed my back)
Today mostly in bed,except I had a bath washed my hair.
Not going anywhere.
Tried an online breathing excercise in the tub.
Yes though,I’m very hard on my self that I’ve to set limitations.
But,the alternative?
Hospital.
My life is so boring……
I had an offer to go to NYC for a day.
Straight away,I had to say no.
As my pain management Dr hasn’t set up my plan yet…….
I really can’t leave my hometown until.
So,more bummed out.
So she’ll be going likely the weekend all three holidays ( in Canada )
So much fun stuff I miss b/ c of brain malfunctioning or physical probs or both!!!
Just a side note no joking Natasha,if you are staring into space often you really should see your GP
Or PSYCH to be ref to neurology
As it is the first sign of REAL BRAIN SEIZURES
I have temporal lobe seizures controlled by meds need plenty of sleep.
That & blinding headaches so bad I needed dialaudid shots for pain I could hardly see)
But started to be mild headaches smell things later I was told that weren’t there…..
READ a& MY NUEROLOGIST TOLD ME MANY BP SUFFERERS HAVE SEIZURES YOU CAN GET AT ANY AGE
GOT MINE AT AGE 30.
It’s extremely dangerous illness please get yourself sorted all of this is TRUE NOT FROM ANY INTERNET STORY
My PERSONAL JOURNEY.
suffering is not unique to we bipoles, nor are times of uselessness and “down-time.” once during a depression i told a doc that i was too ashamed to run because i didn’t want people looking out their windows knowing that i had no job. he pointed out that most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to care about mine. (i relayed this advice to a normie friend who felt she could not walk on her street because her neighbors would be thinking, “she’s never going to finish that thesis.”)
because i am old, i don’t care much if i seem useless…. going out on disability has blurred into retirement, there’s nothing to explain anymore. increasingly i have a kind of fatalism about life and achievement… i am not quite so mortified by the achievements of my high school buddies, guys to whom i once considered myself superior. there’s a kind of peace in humility, although it’s taken me a long long time to realize it ; when i was in my 30s i just about had a heart attack, picking up a copy of businessweek to find my best friend/competitor on the cover with his arm around billy gates. (as is the way in life, he died quite young of cancer– like me, he was dealt a unique hand of cards.)
i’m looking for a way to end this comment. you and i and the rest of our tribe, sometimes our cards aren’t worth a damn. still, the playing is all.
Natasia,
I really appreciate your blog. I am a mom of a 27 year old undiagnosed son. When things flare more with him, and when I’m aware of it (he avoids me because he knows I’m a medical person who recognizes his symptoms), I return here and read whatever I see, hoping to understand more. What you share really helps. I hope you know this. I wish he could find this blog. Thank you again.
There are times I go to bed at 8:00 not because I’m tired… but because I seriously can’t think of anything else to do!