Desperation is one of the effects of bipolar disorder. In fact, desperation is even one of the effects of bipolar disorder treatment (Bipolar Treatment Fatigue). So many of us with bipolar disorder have felt desperate at one or more points in time; bipolar disorder is even making some of us feel desperate right now.
Bipolar Disorder Can Make Us Desperate
When you’re chronically ill, when you’re gravely ill, you’re often desperate. The symptoms of bipolar disorder (Severe Agitation — Bipolar Symptom of Side Effect?) lead to desperation. If you didn’t know why you kept losing jobs, killing relationships and wanting to end your life (Living with Wanting to Be Dead), you’d be desperate, too. Looking around and seeing how easy life is for everyone else and yet knowing how hard it is for you makes a person desperate.
Because, of course, if our lives weren’t ruined or we weren’t in severe pain (Bipolar: No Amount of Pain Can Kill You — Power Over Suicide), we wouldn’t be desperate enough to seek out psychiatric treatment, now would we?
Bipolar Disorder Treatment Can Make Us Desperate, Too
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that treatment is bad, and it’s not that you wouldn’t be desperate, necessarily, anyway, but I think desperation is an effect that many people have found through bipolar disorder treatment.
This is because it’s virtually never the case that treatment is easy or even a straight line. It often takes years to find a bipolar disorder treatment that really works for a person. And during that time, desperation is totally normal. I can’t tell you the number of times I thought I’d never find a useful treatment. I can’t tell you the number of times death (The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die) seemed like the right, and only, option. I can’t tell you the number of tears I have cried begging for anything to work even a little bit. Desperation wasn’t nearly a big enough word for me during those times.
Not only that, but bipolar disorder treatment has a habit of not working after a period of time. And if you’ve spent years trying to find a treatment only to have it stop working, “desperate” can easily be the word that describes you best.
And then there are the side effects. It’s also pretty natural to have desperation be a bipolar disorder treatment effect when your everyday is dizzy, clumsy, scattered and painful thanks to bipolar disorder medication side effects.
Effects of Desperation Due to Bipolar Disorder
And during these times of desperation, you feel like you would literally do anything to make the suffering stop. I get this. I know it only too well. I have done totally ridiculous things just in the irrational hope that somehow it would make me feel better. (Carrot juice, kudzu root and an aura cleansing anyone?)
Here’s a video on why the driving force of desperation is so dangerous:
Here’s What You Need to Know If Bipolar Disorder Is Making You Desperate
So what I want you to know is this: desperation is normal in a serious mental illness situation. It just is. I know it would be nice if this wasn’t the case, but it is. So if you feel desperate, know that you’re perfectly normal.
Also know that most of us have been soul-scrapingly desperate and, yet, have come out the other side. I know when you’re in the bleak, seemingly-infinite hole that is desperation, it seems like there is no “other side.” I know that. But there is. I would never do the things today that desperation led me to do in the past. It’s not that my life is super-cheery, it’s just that pointed desperation has left the building.
And I know that desperation will be temporary for you too (Why Should I Continue to Fight the Pain of Depression?). I know it will feel eternal, but I also know that it won’t really be eternal. I hate to tell you that you just have to ride it out, but you just have to ride it out. But know that while you’re doing so, there will be an end. It might not be tomorrow, but an end is out there. I found it. I know you will too.
Hi Natasha, I just found you tonight after googling “why do I hate myself for having bipolar”. I think, you saved me. I was really really considering ending my life tonight. I started hitting my head because I couldn’t get the overwhelm to stop. I’ve been experiencing symptoms since I’ve started college, and I’m graduating in 2 days. I’ve been seeing a therapist and we agreed I probably have bipolar but I don’t have an official diagnosis yet. My parents have been here helping prepare before graduation this weekend and I have relentless screamed at them almost the entire time. I deal with anger a lot and it’s uncontrollable when I know I’m spiraling. I’m going to keep reading your articles because they make me feel okay. I am not bad, you’re right. I really really resonated with another post of yours talking about how you felt like you must’ve done something wrong in the past, and a crone cursed you. I’ve asked myself “why me?” so many times now, convincing myself I am inherently disgusting, flawed, and unlovable. I’m trying to determine who is me, and who is bipolar me. I feel like I have two different people inside of me. I always say how I feel like I’m constantly holding back a pack of wild wolves. Thank you for your posts. For some reason, I find comfort in your older posts because it really makes it real for me. I am rambling at this point, but I’m grateful for finding your blog. Please never stop.
Hi Lai,
I’m so glad you stopped by. Thank you for the kind comment. I’m honored I could help. It’s people like you that keep me going.
Please get a formal diagnosis and further treatment. It can help. Therapy is good, but it usually has to be combined with the correct medications for those with bipolar disorder.
And just remember, you’re not alone. So many of us are standing with you.
You may want to take a look at my book as well: http://bit.ly/Lost_Marbles_Natasha_Tracy
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha, You have the best advice on the absolute whole internet (bc I’ve read most of them), and you touch on the most intricate aspects of bipolar, bc you, yourself, have it. You shock me w your subject matter bc it’s There’s a woman who posts here constantly as many different people, having many different bipolar problems- and it I know it’s her. I just read and do not post. She has the web site ”The Mighty” and it’s awful bc the only people who answer are different versions of herself, (the writer/author). She writes and answers her own questions, and it’s so obvious she wants to be you so bad. She has severe borderline but refuses to divulge that and imo her site is bad bc she doesn’t HAVE bipolar. We do.
I’m in the omg ”desperate stage” of depression. I have rarely seen my doc bc of the Co-vid. I was home for about 2 years except for visits to my primary dr. Every time I see my psyche doc he asks if I want to try another drug.
I fear TD so bad if I do –so I never try another drug bc of that. Have you seen Mel Gibson lately?
I was horrified while watching him being interviewed by Jesse Watters! That poor guy!!! (the producer had to break in a stop the interview) then later I saw it again on Twitter and read the horrible, thoughtless and disgusting comments by the ignorant Twitter assholes.
His twitching., eye rolling and head jerking was the highlight of their day. I always suspected he had something After the drunk driving incident, and his drunken, sad remarks about Jewish people, but he was raised by a Nazi and he was drunk at the time. The drinking probably covering up his bp symptoms. See? It’s why the fukin stigma will always apply to us. They think we are all all like the worse case there is.
Your articles always hit me where I live, I am always reading you even if I don’t comment, but tonight I’m manic from being so unmotivated and depressed. I needed to read you AND talk w you. Thank you Natasha, xxxxx
you shock me with your subject matter bc it’s so exact. Was the rest of that sentence. Sorry!
Hi Stevie,
You are too kind.
I’m sorry you’re in the desperate stage. I’m not sure I can advise on tardive dyskinesia. Only you can decide what risk makes sense for you. What I will say is that some drugs have a higher risk than others and you might consider one of the lower-risk drugs and monitor your movements closely. Because remember, if you see any movements you don’t like, you can taper off the drug as soon as possible. You don’t have to wait until things are more pronounced.
Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha,
I feel like even now when my life is going very well…work, diet, parents, friends…there are those times I wonder if I am going to be alright. Desperation!
Dave Marries
I have been suicidal at one time, I can understand when you see no light in sight of this black hole. But although you may wish you could leave this life, at least your daughter’s needs keeps you here. Like wattsherfayce said this stage is not eternal. I tried to end my life when I thought things could not get any worse. I had thought about it for weeks, not saying anything to anyone, planning it myself. I tried to do it but the method was so painful that when it came down to it I couldn’t endure the pain to end my current pain. Until I rethought it and planned a virtually painless method and I did it. And after I did it and waited for the end result all I could think of was that I regretted ending my life. I prayed to God to forgive me. Than I lied down and went to sleep to wait for the result. Surprisingly enough I was given a second chance and my husband found me and took me to the hospital. Two days later to my surprise I awoke. From that point on my life has been different. I believe if I was suppose to end my life at that time it would have happened and I believe I have a purpose for being here still. Now I try to help persons with situations similar to mine. Suicide is a final solution for a temporary problem, always remember that. Problems or pain come to pass and everything has its time and when its time is up the problem will dissolve itself in one way or another. And if death is the dissolution to the problem, then so be it, but let it not come from human hands.
I love this comment, I like to believe there is a higher power too!
Thanks for the encouragement Dave. Now I am trying to help people who may be walking down the same path I have. Check jebssecret.blogspot.com. I am also going for my bachelor’s degree in pursuit of getting the skills and qualifications to back up my life experience.
I am at the point of, “If I could just go to sleep and never wake up, I’d be fine”. The complications of the BP II and menopause and not being able to sort out what’s causing what symptoms, which are increasing in number and affecting my memory, character, physical health and mood, has me DONE. Just DONE. I also have chronic pain. The only reason I’m still here is because I have a daughter who really needs me because of HER mental health. I feel quite trapped, actually, and sometimes I really resent her because she also has a mental illness and addiction. I know that a big part of why she is ill is because I raised her with an undiagnosed MI. If she were healthy and “well adjusted” I could leave and be done with it all. I know someone who would care for my dogs and cats, my daughter would understand, everyone else would get over it. I suppose “desperate” would be the right term for me. I do NOT see a way out other than by “checking out”. Psych doc just wants to try new meds. Last time I did that I had a seizure and lost my driver’s license (and so my freedom – I live out of town) for 4 months. I have spent $1000s on supplements that do absolutely NOTHING. So sorry for the rant. Desperate. Yep. DONE.
Thank you Natasha. That is so true!
Thank you once again for posting something real. I don’t really have much to say beyond that besides your voice I really don’t know what I would have done because you are like a mirror giving me glimpse of a reality only “I” could see for a really long time before I got diagnosed. So this helped me get help and manage “reality” as well. Thank you a million times over <333
“I know it will feel eternal, but I also know that it won’t really be eternal. I hate to tell you that you just have to ride it out, but you just have to ride it out. But know that while you’re doing so, there will be an end. It might not be tomorrow, but an end is out there. I found it. I know you will too.”
This is a long version of my mantra I tell myself and that my therapeutic teams reminds me of. Riding it out and waiting for the other side is the hardest part, but damn it feels rewarding when you finally get there!