Yesterday I got the news that I’m losing one of my best friends of 16 years. He’s someone I’ve known pretty much since birth. He’s giving and loving and very furry. He’s my cat.
And while I can understand that not everyone will fully comprehend the bond between a human and animal, you will just have to take my word for it that the news put me into shock and I am now grieving what will very soon become a physical loss.
And, of course, a trauma like this (yes, it is a trauma) will make my bipolar disorder blow up. Bipolar makes grief worse and grief makes bipolar disorder worse.
Bipolar Disorder and Suicide – “Will You Be Okay Tonight?”
So, last night, I called my friend and told her the news and said that I couldn’t stop crying. My cat has cancer and the vet says that one day very soon he will stop eating and that will be when the time is right to euthanize him so that he doesn’t have to live out the end of his life in pain. The details of when and what and how and what to do with his ashes and if I should be holding him in his last moments and whether it should be done at home are swirling in my mind.
And so my friend, very lovingly, said to me, “Will you be okay tonight?”
She knows. She knows that things like this make bipolar blow up. She knows that things like this can make a person like me suicidal.
Now, as it happens, I am actually on quite a good bipolar medication cocktail right now and I can honestly say that I’m not suicidal – even though I am sobbing pretty much constantly. But I must say that I was unbelievably touched that my friend would ask me if I would be okay last night. It showed in such a genuine and honest way that she cares about me. And gosh, that fact alone would bring a few tears.
How to Support Someone with Bipolar or another Mental Illness
Do you (to those with or without a mental illness) know how powerful it is to know that someone cares about you that much? Just in that moment, I felt loved and held and like I could get through this mess because someone would be there for me.
People are always asking me how to help and support a person with bipolar disorder or another mental illness.
That is how.
It is offering to be a support when they don’t even ask. It’s understanding that things could be worse for the person with the mental illness than they would be for an average person and not judging them for that. It’s by offering your love and your caring and your time. That is how you help someone with a mental illness.
So, I’d like to say “thank you” to my darling friend who would do such a thing and thank you to everyone out there who I know have done it for others. We love you. We couldn’t do it without you.
I am so, so, so sorry to hear about your kitty. My three dogs are like my children – they are my reason for waking up and getting out of bed. I can only imagine the pain and heartache that you are feeling and I send my deepest sympathies.
My friends know that if something were to happen to any of my dogs that it would most likely result in a mental health crisis and blow up my bipolar and send my anxiety through the roof. I get it. It hurts more than a lot of people can understand. Again, I send you all the love and furry snuggles from my gang.
This blog post is about 2 main points – to me, anyway….
1) the impending, and now current, loss of a dearly loved pet (my sympathy sincerely) and 2) having someone within your life that simply cares. They do not judge, do not criticize, do not roll their eyes or breathe big sighs.. they are there, simply and it’s because they genuinely care.
Not many of us, who suffer with mental illness and especially Bipolar, have such a individual in our lives. I do not.
I have a co-worker who is about my age. She has 2 nearly grown daughters, both mentally ill and she too – had to put her beloved cat down, a few days ago. She came to me, while at work, with tears in her eyes.. she said I was the only one she had to talk to and she appreciated that I walked her off the “floor” to the stairwell to just listen to her.
My daughter urged me to “make friends” with this co-worker. I shrugged it off. She is, my co-worker, a worker friend and will not be anything more… because I do not have “life friends”, i only have “work friends” and when the work ends.. they disappear to not re-appear either via phone, email, text, or letter… and well, it hurts too much.. it hurts ME too much.
Yet, here a “worker friend” came to me one afternoon with tears filling her eyes over the impending loss of a cherished pet. I’ve lost cherished pets and I have an elderly gray, turned silver, spinster cat for whom 1 day I know will no longer be and the thought brings me sobbing tears at times… and I hug her and clutch her tightly to my chest and listen intently to her purrs.. wanting to hold them within my heart.
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your pet. I am deeply thankful, that for a few of us lost wanderers.. referring to you – you have someone with a light that flicks it on, when it’s most darkest.
Hi… hang in there… I’ve lost a cat too, and a dog.. it is not easy…. they are so important in our lives and our routine…
Sending you love…
Im so very sorry. My heart still aches from the same expirence 2 yrs ago. I wish someone would ask me that, just to understand, instead of being shunned for feeling that way. Im happy you got the needed comfort. And i hope you make it through on top eventually from this painful time.
Don’t choose to let this start your next bi-polar episode. These natural live bummers are feelings and you talking to yourself period . It’s hard at first, and becomes much easier in time . You have to do this for yourself each and every time this happens. Iv’e been doing and teaching this for 31 years. I’m Bi-polar, 100 percent P T S D. Mania is with me all the time. Good luck to
All. Hank @ 530 953 7907. I’m not DR, just a guy that helps like minded folks.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss, Natasha.
I am so sorry about your cat. I lost my 17 year old dog 2 years ago and it still breaks my heart. You are so blessed to have such a caring friend. I wish I had one. Thank you so much for your blog. Keep it up! You are helping so many people out there!
I see your grief and can relate to it we lost our cat ,run over in the morning Dec 30 2013. A great friend, as we believe in reincarnation we knew that Spi our cat was a friend we had known previously, as a human. Our human pre cat acted very badly, he committed suicide and came back as a cat,hahaha and now is hopefully a wee baby somewhere. That is what we believe. My masters successor Baba Ji at Radha Soami Satsang Beas 143204 Punjab INDIA was on tour and came back and saw that all the cats had disappeared he asked ..where are all the cats? Oh we relocated them master..”Go and get them they used to be satsangis.” So life is precious we must never under estimate the pussy cats who they are and who they will become.Remember we too have to pass through this life and go home so to speak. Master teaches us to meditate and slowly slowly get ready to merge into the spiritual realms within some call heaven Thats for us,I wouldn want to push that on any one ,however the cat always loved to hover around when we sat.she was a beautiful cat Im still coming to terms with love of cat love of sentient being.God Bless
Oh God i know exactly how you feel. I lost my purrfect kitty in August. He had been my friend and my rock for almost 18 years. A year ago I lost my other kitty of 18 years and soon my 14+ year old Psychiatric Service Dog will pass. First, it’s okay to scream and cry, etc. it’s okay to let the world know how uou feel and what your cat means to you. There are plenty of prople out there who know you pain. Those that don’t, who have to judge have never allowed themselves to connect with an animal and feel pure love. Some advice…..do NOT prolong your cat’s life because you cannot handle his passing. When he stops eating call the Vet immediately and ask her/him to come to your home at the end of the day. I say this because the drive to the animal hospital is just too devastating. Cancel everything that day and spend the day alone with your cat. Tell him everything. Kiss and hold him gently if he will allow it. Sing, cry, pray, laugh. When the Vet comes allow them to ready him then lie down, place him gently on your chest to make sure that the last thing he sees is your loving face. Tell the Vet’s office when you call that you will need at least 15 mins with him after he passes. He can still hear you so sing to him, talk to him, tell him how much you love him. Don’t apologize. He understands. Then, let them take him. Don’t ask for his ashes. Trust me there is nothing more painful than staring at that little jar every day. Instead put a picture of him where you will see him every day. I put Ma’Mee cats picture beside my coffee pot and I talk to her every morning. I made the mistake of bringing her ashes home and seeing the jar every day almost killed me so I scatteted her ashes in the garden that she loved. Puff just passed a couple of months ago. He slept with me every night. He still does. I sleep with his collar and some of his previous angora fur in a pretty cloth gift bag under my pillow. I loved these two cats. I loved them more than my family. You will survive this. Because you are a loving, caring animal petson you will do what your cat would want you to do. When the time is right you will find a purry furball in need and bring it home without feeling any guilt because you will know in your heart that your cat would want you to extend your love to another and heal. Tell your kitty to look for Ma’Mee and Apuff at the Rainbow Bridge. They will take good care of him.
So sorry for your impending loss of your beloved cat. I wish you healthy grieving without triggering depression. I will keep you and your cat in my heart and in my prayers (if you believe in prayers, otherwise, consider this simply a statement of love and compassion).
Your story brought me to tears…
I’m not in a good place,thank you…grief intensifies depression…
It’s the worst time of year as I lost my father right round this time 4 yrs ago…
He was my rock..
I also understand the pain of putting down our beloved furry friends,losing both a cat round this year ( before my Dad passed)
Few yrs before that my sweet little Yorkshire Terrier.
Also a wonderful second father figure psychiatrist of 20 yrs before my Dad began to get sick…
Losses began w mum who passed at age 54 of cancer….
Other family losses and few family suicides ( only one I was old enough to sort of understand)
Excuse the lack of order,each time a loss would occur depending upon severity to my psyche…2 things would occur..
I’d black out ( hence the disordered thinking,which occurred first..)
Or require intense sedation…
Natasha,you know the saying no one else can honestly say they get what your going through,
I really do….It’s a very sad situation…I guess eventually you’ll be able to reflect upon the happier times…& maybe
even think of purchasing another companion.
Not to replace your other cat…no other pet can compete w your beautiful memories….
Like me,treasure them in your heart & soul.
What a kind friend you have,genuinely cares re your health…
I don’t know what works best for you,but if it’s hanging w her ….let her in..she’s kind enough to offer.
I didn’t want others round right at the time of my losses.
Only my Dr. at the time,oh,yes & my pastor.
I must thank you for mentioning grief,how it triggers bipolar…it’s never talked to me by ANY PROFESSIONAL
Just my pastor but I’ve thought so….
I wish you the best,as I said it’s a very sad situation…
I’ve been where your at….
Your very very brave to share such a personal story.
If I were the fairy godmother,I’d change your tears into smiles,& get a time machine for you dear buddy…….
I told myself,I have to do this for her she’s sick,it wouldn’t be fair to keep her alive for me….
I also,was asked if I wanted to be there at the moment,for both my dog,later when I got my cat.
I chose of course,yes to be present.
Though I cried more,my philosophy is I got you will be w you till the end…..
Or if you decide,bring your friend for support………Wishing you the very best …..
Knowing my pet was in terrible pain-and was slowly dying, we had to make ‘that’ decision, the one we were dreading. —-It’s horrible.
Making those plans the day we had to put him down.
The ‘euthanasia home Vet’ was to come to my home and give him the sedative injection, -and then the one that would take his life.
I had the rug that he would lie on in the rec room ready for him, candles were burning.. I even had soft music playing. We also had a beautiful coffin made by my husbands friend..waiting. A pillow I’d made for his head, with sayings on it –about the way I’d loved him, wa on the sofa. Was I crazy? Absolutely.
The Vet rang the bell, and my pet never moved. unlike the 100’s of times he’d greet whoever it was…not this time.
My husband held his magnificent white head in his lap and the procedure began.
The first tranqullizer injection was given-and by the time it took for him to open the next syringe, I went screaming up my stairs bawling.I stayed in my bedroom until the doctor lett–crying harder. I could NOT take those last moments.
Then ..it was over. My husband said the Dr had actually cried himself, as he had just put his own pet down that week.
Because we had our own home, we buried him on the side of it. I’d sit there many a day talking to that spot, to comfort myself. omG… I think just re-greived.
So know how saddened you feel.The EXTRA sadness, b/c we both have bipolar. I’m so, so, so terribly sorry for you and your beloved cat!
How lucky he was to have an owner such as yourself. Too many are ferral and have no one to love or care for them! He was a lucky little cat. Not an animal at all!
Your child, your loving best friend, your comforter, your cutie pie, your happy place to go to.
Remember all of the funny things he did to cheer you up…later when you can think clearer. He’d like that. Then, go ahead and cry.
Then just vent. We’re here. Most of us have been thru this…. it hurts. Put that cute picture of him by that private place, where he liked to lay. Talk to him.
I promise you–it will ease up. It will never quite go away…but it will ease. Again…I’m so sorry! xoxoxoxooxoxox
Natasha, my heart goes out to you. I understand how you are losing a best friend. I lost my dog, 15 yrs old, to cancer also. Like you we had to euthanize him. We were in the vets office and I held Gibby until he was gone. I don’t regret it but I suggest if you choose to do the same, have a friend with you. My husband was with me. It’s heart wrenching. But I’m glad I was there for Gibby–he wasn’t afraid of the doctor or strange room because I was there for him. It was 4 months after we moved to another state that this happened. He was my buddy. He knew when the bipolar was taking me up or, more often, down. He stayed near me when I was down which I found soothing. I have no doubt that your cat related to you in a similar manner. Our pets know us well. Hugs to you, Natasha. My heart ands prayers are with you.
I am so very sorry. I wish I could make it better. If you need us (me) to be strong for you when you can’t we (I) will.
#natashastrong
My thoughts are with you. Know that you are loved. Blessings and Gratitude.
I am so sorry for your terrible news. I too am blessed by an amazing friend like yours. It really feels good to be understood sometimes.
I am so very sorry. I just lost my beloved Cocoa dog of 16 years a few weeks ago and it was devastating. It sent my Bipolar type II depression into overdrive! I completely understand where you are coming from so if you need to talk, I’m here. God bless you and God speed to your beautiful baby!
Very considerate of your friend. I had to have my cat euthanized a year and a half ago. He was by main man for 15 years. Jules, the orange tabby, AKA, the orange ball of love. Even my cat friends said, you will never find another Jules.
I should have given him a good conduct medal because he was just so laid back. A lover not a fighter. Yes, I still get tears in my eyes but the first two months were really bad. I didn’t just talk about him in therapy but he always came up in therapy.
My thoughts are with you. It’s odd. I lived in a terrible place for 15 years then I moved to a very nice apt. I was happy for Jules too but it was just a few months after moving here that he got sick. Not unlike what you’re going through.
It doesn’t get worse than having to say goodbye to your closest friend and there are no magic words except, I’m sorry. Your cat is losing his best friend, too.
So sorry Natasha, my cat just turned ten and I worry so much about her getting sick and not having the money for a vet due to my illness. I’m single and she is all I have. I know the pain of loosing a cat, it’s terrible and takes a good time to get over.
Loss is the most difficult and debilitating trauma I have to work through. It usually ends up having to do with relationships…even though it starts out as something else…such as a job loss or company closure. Enough said.
I am so very sorry about your sad news. I and many others share your grief. You can be sure of that. Thank you for your blog.