I’ve talked about bipolar and rest before but now I want to add the concepts of choice and empowerment. I want to talk about how choosing rest because of bipolar disorder is actually empowering. I want to talk about taking some power away from the bipolar disorder.
Being Forced to Rest Because of Bipolar Is Not Empowering
I have found so many times that I am forced to rest because of bipolar disorder. Typically what happens is that I run and run and run until I simply fall apart in pain. I am then forced by my body and by the bipolar disorder to rest. I have no choice in the matter. Continuing forward simply isn’t an option.
In fact, this typically happens every weekend. On Saturday morning, I go out to breakfast with a friend and then he and I run errands together. (It’s because of his help that these things get done at all.) And by the time I have walked to breakfast, eaten breakfast, run errands and come home, I am dead tired thanks to bipolar disorder and bipolar medication. I have to rest at that point, usually for the duration of the day.
But then there’s Sunday. I always tell myself that thanks to the resting I did on Saturday, I can get things done on Sunday. I have a list. I always have a list. But inevitably, I try to accomplish things and can’t. I try to do something on my list and my body won’t. I feel like a failure. Again, my body and bipolar force me to rest. I really have no say in it at all.
And this is the opposite of empowering.
It is incredibly disempowering to feel forced to do something against your will. I want to choose to complete tasks but I can’t. The lack of choice is disempowering. The fact that I’m forced, without choice, to sit or lie for hours and hours against my will is the absolute opposite of empowering.
The Need for Empowerment in Bipolar Disorder
But everyone needs to feel empowered. Perhaps this goes doubly for those with bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder forces so much upon us and makes us feel so disempowered that I believe, where we can, it’s critical we find empowerment. We can’t control certain aspects of bipolar disorder (or any serious mental illness) but there are certain aspects of our lives that we can control and that is empowering.
Empowerment in Bipolar Disorder: Choosing to Rest
So last Sunday, I tried something new. I put only one thing on my to-do list: rest. That’s it. Just “rest.”
(Well, okay, if I’m to be absolutely honest, I had a mental backup to-do list. What can I tell you, I just can’t let go completely.)
The only goal I had was to rest enough to be ready for the coming workweek. All the things I needed to do (and trust me, when you’re writing a book, there are a lot), I just pushed pause on.
And this choice, this choosing to rest, was incredibly empowering for me. I didn’t feel forced to rest because of bipolar disorder, I felt like it was a conscious choice I made. I didn’t beat myself up about all the things I couldn’t do, because I didn’t put the expectation on myself that I would do them in the first place. Controlling my Sunday, instead of feeling like my Sunday was controlled by my bipolar disorder, was, indeed, empowering.
Now, I admit, I still wish I could have gotten things done, but I’m trying to let that go. I’m trying to fully own the choice and fully feel empowered. Because I realized that while rest and my acknowledgment of the need for rest in bipolar disorder is required, I can use this requirement for my own empowerment instead of bipolar forcing the feeling of disempowerment.
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Image by Flickr user theimpulsivebuy.
So true! I used to power through every day, every week. Ignoring the toil living a life with bipolar has on me until I broke and had to take to my bed. I can now see it coming (ok some of the time) and can book in what I call my mental health days where the only expectation is to eat, drink and stay occupied with the occasional nap. I do often do the odd thing from my to do list but I count those things as bonuses.
Empowerment: Resist the system. We don’t need to be “fixed,” we just need a nap. Good topic.
Thank you Natasha and everyone who shared, for making me feel normal.
The other day; I had literally reached my mental health limit. I not only did not eat for well over 12 hours (and I have recently been diagnosed with Diabetes II), but also did not drink much of anything and hadn’t showered in several days. I work outside the home and I work Full Time. So, stuff going on at work and then my own mental/emotional stuff all got together and whipped me with a metaphorical plank.
I shook. I sobbed. I hallucinated slightly. I had no balance when I walked. I didn’t care. Yet, I told myself that I had to have rest. So, once I got some food in me and some drink and I sat on the couch (topless, to add) and just rested for several hours doing nothing but chilling and watching stupid TV programs… my mental mind kind of righted itself with a slight tilt to the left.
I take what I call “home hospitalizations” from time to time. That is; I call out sick with some malady that I am actually having and I do only what is required of life in order to maintain living said life. I shut off the phone, I pull the drapes and I turn on the fans and lay on my couch or in my recliner.
Employers, nor family, do not understand. Employers also penalize. I cannot stay out for more than 24 hours and even then, I am penalized and frowned upon when I return. I do not qualify for FMLA for I am a temporary worker/contract and have no benefits so… not only am I penalized with the Client Employer but also not paid.
Still; every so often… I have to rest. I have to have that “at home” hospitalization.
Well said, Natasha. Thanks for the reminder that good choices are empowering. I haven’t thought about it that much but I will now. Feeling empowered counters the feelings of loss. The better the choices I make, the less loss I feel. Good article.
I can absolutely relate to this one.
When I’m manic I’m totally out of control,getting to the point of physical exhaustion / collapse.
Usually on weekends at least one day) I’ll sleep nearly all day except to use the loo & have some soy milk.
Of course,have had taken all my meds for all my other medical issues as well as BP)
My cat will usually join me as I’m so relaxed & still finally.
Just came off a week of mania.
This weekend slept most all away.
Woke in time to feed my kitty & cook which is a hobby.
Mon today all stressed out again have Drs appt early afternoon.on Tuesday)
Must get groceries our elavators are out @ 1:00
I’ve to wait for the drugstore to bring my meds before I can leave…..
Cannot go today as I get finances Tuesdays it’s complicated.
No not on disability)
Rather not disclose…..source of income,no nothing illegal or anything!!!
Private.
Plus Go run errands first including the bank,naturally!
I need ALOT OF REST AS I DRIVE MYSELF HARD AM A PERFECTIONIST TOO
Plus the mania aft days no sleep you crash n burn………
Very relatable Natasha!!!
Everyday actually b/c of my other med issues too I take just a catnap.
It refreshes me,doesn’t interfere with my bedtime sleep.
But we’re all different I say experiment.
This is the best explanation I’ve ever read for how I feel most days. I kick myself constantly for not powering through my to do lists like I used to do when I was manic a lot…plus being a type A person. Thanks for pointing out that the meds make us tired even when our minds say go! I hate resting or feeling like an invalid when I know I’m not…knowing others feel this way really helped me today.
So true about BiPolar and the need to rest. I do have times I feel guilty, but my body and my BiPolar let me know it is must!!! Thanks again for an inspiring article. It is so easy for me to feel guilty just for having BiPolar, and then when I have to beg out of doing something with friends and family the guilt doubles.
Good article, Natasha. Thanks.