I get a lot of feedback on my writing. I like feedback. Some of it’s positive, some of it’s negative, but it’s always interesting to know what other people are thinking of my writing.
But one of the types of comments that drives me absolutely nuts goes like this, “I lived with a bipolar person for 20 years and I don’t understand why people with bipolar are so angry,” or they’re “so violent,” or “so manipulative,” or “cheaters,” or whatever.
Here’s what drives me crazy about it – living with someone with bipolar disorder does not make you an expert on people with bipolar disorder; it makes you an expert in one person. Not all of us.
I’m Offended by Bipolar Generalizations
I’m personally offended by being called angry, violent, manipulative, a cheater and so on. I am none of those things. I am a person with all the complexities and nuances of every other human being. Just because one person had a negative characteristic doesn’t mean I do just because we share a diagnosis. That’s as ludicrous as saying that everyone with red hair is a hothead or everyone named Andy cheats. Or everyone with cancer is an attention suck. I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Dramatic Experiences Breed Dramatic Overgeneralizations
It seems that the more drama in a relationship, the more people seem to want to blame the bipolar, the more people seem to want to assume that all people with bipolar are the same.
But we are not. We are individuals – just like you.
Quite frankly, I don’t care about the drama in your relationship. Many of us have had drama. For many reasons. That doesn’t give you the right to blame everyone with bipolar disorder and it certainly doesn’t give you the right to ascribe characteristics to me.
I am an individual.
I have the decency to treat you like the individual you are, and all I ask is the same respect.
Every thing you can’t stand being called ..being lumped into with bi- polar people such as myself I know I feel even worse about myself never mind my family all my kids my wife of 25 yrs leaving me feeling good letting me know that I’m all those thing’s you hate being thought of…I know what and who I am I wish you could spend a day in my head..even after the damage I’ve done living with knowing I’ve chased everyone I love away. I’m insulted
Well I’ve had 2 husbands who have bipolar, a daughter, two sister in laws a mother in law an aunt in law…..and very possibly more in my life who all have bipolar disorder….only my daughter related by blood
And while they may share symptoms at times….they all experience the disorder very differently on a whole….they all have different patterns of mood they all respond to different things differently….they all have success with different med regimes……they all take their diagnosis differently some are in denial some are vocal some are less vocal but supportive……some have a history of hospitalisation and interactions with police and some dont….
They are all very different people…..
Hi Margaret,
My point exactly. Thank you :)
– Natasha Tracy
John,
I totally agree with you proper education is the key!
Christy
I am a 34 year old woman that lives with bipolar disorder 2 I have boughts of hypo-mania and mix mood episodes. I live with a child that has ADHD and a very supportive husband. I really don’t know how my husband deals with all the disfunction in our house hold! I have been having anxiety and my doctor has changed my meds several times and nothing seems to be working right now I am stable but still anxious, this causes me to be irritable and grumpy while on the other hand my son is always go go go! My husband is a life saver….so I guess what I am saying is the key to help manage your “disorder” is to have a strong support system. He is consistantly helping me to monitor my mood which is very helpful and serves as a mediator for my son and I. Some days are better than others but all in all my bipolar disorder dictates our days because I never know how I am going to feel from one day to the next, I don’t like that feeling and wish I could be more laid back and easy going but I am a control freak…..does anyone else have issues with control?
thanks for listening!
Christy my name is also Christy and our circumstances seem very similar. I have bipolar 2 and live with my husband and our teenage son who also has ADHD. Sometimes I feel like I’m goinng to go crazy because our son is such a social butterfly and very popular there are always kids in and out of our house. That makes me get into a mixed mood state. I am stable but get aggrivated easily and suffer from anxiety and a seizure disorder. My Doctor has changed my meds several times and now the anxiety is gone but I am still aggrivated and upset easily. I too am a control freak and I think that is part of my problrm I took control of our finances over our meals ect. My husband is a very caring man and has a great deal of patience.. We have reccently discussed mutually doing the budget and that just gets me all worked up because I feel I manage money better thaan him I account for every penny spent. I don’t know how he deals with everything that goes on with me and my son on a daily basis all I know is that every night before I go to bed he kisses me good night and tells me that I love you for you. We are both fortunate to have a great support system; for with out that I know I would fall short.
Christy
As a matter of interest, the cartoonist Ellen Forney has just published a book about her experiences an artist with bipolar disorder:
http://marblesbyellenforney.com/
I went to a reading of hers last night, and it was very interesting.
“Here’s what drives me crazy about it – living with someone with bipolar disorder does not make you an expert on people with bipolar disorder; it makes you an expert in one person. Not all of us.”
LOVE IT!
You would not know the many people, without Bipolar, who have gone onto websites exalting the horrific characteristics of their loved one with Bipolar. They call their loved one every conceivable ugly, negative, horrendous thing they can come up with. They blame every literal thing wrong in their relationship solely upon the one with Bipolar.
Funny thing; I still, have yet, to find a person with mental illness on the 2 websites I frequent… to run down, demonize or berate their loved one. Course, that would be concluded to be that we are so “detached” from reality surrounding that we have no possibility of sensing anything of negative character because we are so supposedly wrapped up solely within ourselves.
Got it. We with mental illness are not the simplest and easiest folks to be in a relationship with, but neither are “normies”. Normies have their moods as well and when the 2 moods do not mesh well, conflict arises. Yet, Normies will rarely ever admit or accept their contribution or part in the conflict.
That would be considered; that we have no ability to accept or acknowledge our blame and fault and instead, direct it towards others. We would say that our “normal” loved one is partially responsible or perhaps, fully responsible, for any conflict and/or situation as a means to avoid responsibility.
I am not violent. I do not cheat (my ex cheated on me for years). I’ll be the first one I hurt/injure and I’ll be the first one I demonize. I work really hard to “hide” my mental illness so as to not burden others and sometimes, yes, it squeezes out regardless of how hard I work to keep it in.
I too, get weary of the blatant stigmatized generalization. There are a few of us, with mental illness, who is or are… but the vast overwhelming majority, simply are trying to survive and thrive.
.
Very well said.
This post is a good reminder that we shouldn’t generalize any “group” of people. So many people don’t believe my son has OCD because he is the messiest person around. Of course the media does not help with its misrepresentation of various mental health disorders…….
I have found that friends and family (other than my parents and husband) don’t believe that I have it at all. My mom is bipolar and told me my entire life to “fake it till you make it.” If you feel bad, put on a smile and pretend that you don’t. This was drilled into me from a very young age. Nobody cares how you really feel, and even if they did care, you will just bring them down. I have gotten very good at it over the years. I even convinced doctors after hospitalization that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I must be listing symptoms out of a book. I can communicate my pain with a truly happy expression that could fool almost anyone. Even now, in-laws, friends, and some doctors assume that it is all fake and something that I read somewhere.
Hi Tracy!
I would really want to thank you for your blog! It taught me alot in this short time I’ve been reading.
What you say in this post is something really important. I think none of us wants to be judged by our diagnoses. I have ADHD but that doesn’t make me this or that. But when it comes to bipolar the generalizations are very common.
I live with someone who’s bipolar. He’s nothing like that, he does not cheat. He’s not angry. He’s a pretty regular guy with high morals. A really calm person. Now.
Now he’s getting treatment. And he’s very well aware that drama is nothing for me. I don’t do drama. But in his past there’s alot of drama, suicicidal attempts, cheating and so on.
I think being bipolar and not getting the right treatment combined with being young and together with someone thats also a little dramatic can make, well, a big mess.
It’s not always about WHO you are, the circumstances has a really big impact on someones behaviour. But when we got together I was a little worried. He told me everything about his past. And someone close to me that I really respected told me that I shouldn’t be with him because “they are violent!”. But I couldn’t stay away of course, I knew he’d gotten in fights but there was nothing about him that made me feel like he was like that anymore.
Our first year was UP the DOWN. Then I said that either he go on medication or we can’t do this. He went on medication.
I am so happy I didn’t listen to peoples opinions in this case. Medication lets him be HIM. And I really love that person. I don’t care for bipolar very much, the bad days I miss him even if he’s right there. But that’s a package deal. It’s worth it. I know storms is going to hit. But I am not bagage free either. I take him for what he is and it’s always worth it. He’s a better person than most “healthy” men I know.
Generalizations suck and if I’d listen to them I’d probably be with a “normal” guy, pretending to be “normal” myself just to not scare him away and always feel bad ’cause I can’t live up to a normal standard. (Done it before)
No, I love being with someone that gets me. And lets me be me without making me feel ashamed of my ADHD. And I really hopes he feels like that to.
I feel like we’re both imperfect and that makes it perfect.
Well said! I think you’re dead right – the environment adds a lot to how we behave. I had always been known as a dead easy-going guy and more likely to walk away from an argument or any trouble, and I would do that to avoid the emotions I could not otherwise handle. But my last two partners were/are quite abrasive personalities and very much “in your face” so it has been difficult to escape from them for long, and that caused me to develop a very aggressive temper. The situation is much easier, much calmer, now because my wife lives/works away for every 3 in 6 months!
Jo,
I think you said it best when you said the imperfections is what makes it perfect! I have bipolar 2 and my son has ADHD but my husband is what you would consider “normal”. He knew what he signed up for when we said our I do’s. I think it’s great that you are standing by his side. Thank you for not listening to everybody and using your own mind there is a huge stigma that goes along with the diagnosis of bipolar.
Respectfully,
Christy
My impression, as one who is Bipolar and who has known a few others in the same “club”, is that Bipolar Disorder can magnify some of our character traits, esp. in the manic phases as they release the inhibitions that otherwise hold us in check. For example (not my own), one may have sexual fanatasies that one would be too inhibited to carry through except for a hypomanic episode encouraging the risk taking and heightened libido.
I believe there is also a reason for anger. Sure, some individuals may be angry people anyway, but there is something horribly frustrating especially in a mixed state that can drive one to anger for two reasons: First, one may be blocked from doing all the things that one is anxious to do – people getting in the way of our achieving what we want to do, slowing us down when our energy levels are so high we want to build Panama Canal II inside a day. Second, there’s the survival thing, when we know the best thing for us is to withdraw and be on our own but people will not leave us be, thereby disturbing us, ruining our chances of calming down, spoiling our way of surviving those traumatic periods. We tell them to back off, they come back wanting to “help” all the more, when we know the help we really need is to be left alone. But they won’t leave us alone; they make it all worse! We may ask the politely to go away, and when they don’t we ask them less politely, and when that doesn’t work, our need for survival forces our hand to drive them away with anger. That usually settles the matter; but ikf it doesn’t, things can become physical…
Hi. Thank you for your writings.I am a 45 year old male living in south africa. I came upon your blog about a week ago. I was only diagnosed about 18 months ago and I’m still battling with my irritability and patience. I find that on some days I’m fine and on others I am impatient,anxious and very moody. Are these symptoms or side effects of my meds?
Hi Gavin,
I can’t say whether those are symptoms or side effects, they could be either one. But what you have to consider is did they come about before or after you started medication. If they started before the medication then they are likely symptoms and if they started right after you started medication, then they are likely side effects.
Either way, you need to tell you doctor and work with him or her to address them.
– Natasha Tracy
I would add that if all you know about bipolar disorder is what you see in the media, you’re not an expert in bipolar disorder. At least 99% of everything reported in the news about the disease is negative — like some pscyopath who is “bipolar” goes into a rage and shoots his coworkers. According to my doctors and from what I’ve read, 80% of all violence associated with it is associated with drug abuse — someone not diagnosed yet trying to self-medicate themselves, someone mixing their medicines with street drugs, etc. So I think that’s one reason why over-generalizations about mental illnesses are so prevalent. People need to be educated. But they are using the wrong sources.