Recently, I wrote a Facebook post and someone said it indicated that I hate my life. This is not something I said, but hating a life with bipolar disorder is a pretty easy thing to do. But I have to be clear on something: I don’t just have one life – none of us do. So saying “I hate my life,” is a blanket statement that just isn’t true. It’s a judgment, and it’s not fair.
My Facebook Post on “Hating My Life”
This is what I wrote on Facebook:
So, people think I’m magical. People constantly ask me how a person with bipolar can write a book and do what I do. I totally get this. I guess I make it look easy.
It really isn’t. It’s really impossibly hard.
I want people to know I’m not magical. I’m struggling. It is extremely hard. I do my best to do my job, but that doesn’t make it easy. I often feel like everything is falling apart because of the bipolar — just like everyone else.
In short, while some would consider me “high-functioning,” that doesn’t mean bipolar isn’t trying to kill me one cell at a time.
In this Facebook post, I was trying to tell people – my fans mostly – that I’m human, and just like them, I have troubles with bipolar disorder. And, just like them, bipolar disorder is a very hard thing to fight. I did this because some people put me on a pedestal and I just wanted to make it clear that, no, I don’t live there. Note, that nowhere in that post did I say I hate my life.
Interestingly, some people commented on this post that I should actually share more of my personal struggles than I do.
However, one commenter had this to say:
I’ve been reading your work for a long time now, and there’s a running theme of ‘I hate myself, I don’t deserve happiness, My life is terrible’. It’d really get me down if you were the only bipolar blogger I followed. I’m glad you help people, but I’m saddened by how much you seem to despise your life. I mean, I know children don’t equal happiness, but you are voluntarily taking your genes off the market because of your disorder, you don’t think vacationing with bipolar disorder is a good idea because it can disrupt your routine and trigger an episode, and then this post. Those are just a few episodes I can think of off the top of my head where you share your misery with the masses. I mean, I’m really sorry you’re struggling atm, but it seems like you’re struggling all the time. I’m bipolar too, and I also struggle with episodes of decompensation, and yet I don’t hate my life, at least not any more than the average Joe.
And I have a few things to say about that comment.
“I Hate Myself, I Don’t Deserve Happiness, My Life Is Awful”
Okay, so, yes, that post I made on Facebook is a tough one, but, in my opinion, it’s balanced out by the oodles and oodles of writing I do on bipolar disorder. I discuss absolutely everything – from myself to the condition to pretty much everything else you can think of. And while bipolar depression can make me think I hate myself and it can make me think that I don’t deserve happiness and make me think that my life is awful, these things are not empirically true, and I’m always one to state that. I have said over and over that the bipolar brain is sick and tells these sorts of lies while the mind is not and can fight them.
I Hate My Life
Let me be clear about something, I have two lives (well, more actually, but for the sake of this exercise, let’s say two): there’s Natasha’s life, easily described by biographical details, and there’s my bipolar life, dictated by symptoms. These are not the same thing.
Now Natasha’s life is fine. If you were to look at the biographical details of my life, you would see that. I live in a condo. I have friends. I brunch. I have two fabu cats. There’s really nothing to hate there. Yes, Natasha’s life has issues (like a dead fireplace I’m going to have to go into debt to replace) but these issues are no direr than anyone else’s – mental illness or not.
On the other hand, there’s Natasha’s bipolar life. This is a horrible thing indeed. This life is full of symptoms, side effects, pain and suffering. This is a life that is almost always sick to some degree. This is a life that no one should ever have to live. And yes, I hate this life terribly.
But, as I said, my bipolar life is not my whole life. And, yes, sometimes I talk from a bipolar life perspective and sometimes I don’t. But I’m not confused about what I hate.
“I Struggle with Episodes and I Don’t Hate My Life”
Well, isn’t this commenter lucky? This commenter has “episodes of decompensation.” Lucky her. This commenter doesn’t have live almost every day with some degree of bipolar. Lucky her. It’s incredibly unfair to compare lives when one has episodes of bipolar and one has an ongoing illness.
And I see this all the time. People judge me (and others, of course) for struggling all the time. It really isn’t my fault that bipolar has taken over most of my life – that is the bipolar’s fault. This judgment is unfair and hurtful. These people have no idea how lucky they are – and it’s just luck. They could be as sick as I am and they’re not. That’s the genetic lottery. They got a better hand dealt to them than I did.
Lucky them.
And I wish they would appreciate that luck instead of judging me for not being so lucky.
I Hate My Life – Sort Of
Yes, when it comes down to it, I hate my life with bipolar. I hate my bipolar brain. I don’t hate the parts of it that are good, but I hate the parts of it that are sick and bad. And that’s okay. It’s okay to say you hate your life and yet still appreciate all the good things you have. And no one deserves to be judged for expressing themselves in that way.
Banner image by Flickr user K-Screen Shots.
Hi,
I had a lot of problems in the past. -Not being alone, getting enough hugs (you can hug yourself also) and smiling often (even when you don’t feel like it) helped a lot. Also Citric Magnesium. Also what i call child channellling- faking excitement, silliness – as they say “fake it till you make it”. For example there is research that when you fake laughing your body produces same amount of serotonin as when you are doing it sincerely. The same is with smiling. I found i have certain triggers that make me happy anything cute does the trick for me. When i had bad depression i made this list:
RECIPE FOR HAPPINESS:Ingredients:• Hugging/cuddling• High five• Screaming “yes”• Thumbs up• Dancing• singing• Music• Jumping• Cute things• Laughter- funny things• Pretty things• Animals• Sports• Games • Bright colors
I’m here because I am just hating everything right now. Just wanted to see what I would find when googling I hate blogs. I really hate everything right now. My birthday was Saturday night and couple friends took me to a great concert from a group from the 80’s. Loved it. Now I’m back to hating everything. Even when I was having a great time I was drinking and doing drugs. Once the show was over I was right back to how I always feel. I am on meds and half the time I don’t take them. Doesn’t really change much for me when I do take them. I feel like the only way things will change is when I say I am done!!
~ Well said Natasha; really well said! Your articles are so important. Your gift for expressing yourself is helping so many of us that have questions (and feelings) about mental illness that you are answering. That make sense to us. Making us feel we are not alone. That others have the same experiences and keep attempting to carve out a life for themselves. The best way they can. Often with a brain that mis-fires. Keep up your extraordinary contribution and remember that for the very person that “judges” there are mutiludes of us that walk with you and perhaps don’t speak up. You are appreciated! Thank you Natasha ~
name-calling aside, i think there is a point tb made re self-pity and the wide set of thoughts and emotions associated with it. i see self-pity as part of being human, eg, just another one of the less-pretty aspects of consciousness. i doubt any other animal experiences it…. certainly not dogs. as a bipolar, i’ve learned to avoid unlimited thoughts of how miserable i am, not because they may or may not be valid, but because they tend to get in the way of simple strategies for healing. often i literally put a stopwatch on my self-pity; i tell myself i can feel sorry for myself for fifteen minutes, and then i’m going to do some simple chore such as vacuum the house.
as for the ad hominem style of argument that has become the american default, it’s a disease all its own. if only there were some sledgehammer tranquilizer instantly available for people whose egos are mated to qwerty keyboards.
There is no gene for mental illness – mental illnesses are caused by trauma – accidental or intention or ‘incidental’ trauma (usually repeated) and nearly always caused by abuse and/or neglect within the family. Typically, family dysfunction is generational.
Second, what’s to love about struggling to concentrate and get on with life when your thoughts and emotions are in a jumble and all you get from ALL ‘normal’ people and ‘services’ is insults, abuse and violence?
Natasha Tracy and her work are an inspiration. After having had mental illness for 35 years (now healed) my advice to people with mental illnesses is to focus on self-nurturing as heavily as possible, pray for yourself and also focus on expressing yourself in a diary or some other artform/medium such as dance, music or karate. Enjoying a good cry, a good scream (somewhere secluded) and beating up the lounge can sometimes work wonders too. Thank you for all your good work, Natasha.
Lisa, current medical thinking among the scientists who conduct research into the various types of metal illness, has it that genetics DO play a part in Bipolar Disorder, but there is no single ‘bipolar gene’. There are various studies that point to this fact, they being prompted initially by the observation that Bipolar Disorder appears to run in families. This is not to say that environmental/psychological factors do not contribute to the disorder’s appearance.
It seems to me that Bipolar can cause comorbidity as it may cause behaviours in ourselves, or in others with whom we interact while in an BP episode, which give rise to traumatic events that result in depression or PTSD (etc).
Thank you this post Natasha. I can relate to it a lot. I find it hard pulling apart whats my life and what is symptom related, it often just blurs into one big mess. It’s good to step back and notice the difference.
It`s difficult, but I have learned to love my life. Ups and downs
Its just my life. I`ve slashed my throat, hung myself but never died
And I am happy I didin`t! Life throws lots of things to everybody ,
Time is equal to everybody, gotta enjoy it one at a time.
I guess I am a little hypo right now ;p
for me, one of the greatest challenges of bipolar disorder has been to avoid the spiral of narcissism which perhaps all mental illness affords. at some ultimate level, it doesn’t matter what i think about myself; similarly, when even my best thinking is impaired, recursive rumination becomes not just a waste of time but a destructive use of time.
for me, recovery has meant understanding that it’s difficult indeed to have insight into a disorder which affects my insight. i like the the retrovirus analogy — the bipolar pathology attacks the very system which is designed to mitigate it. it’s not impossible to set aside introspection as one’s best coping mechanism, but it’s maddeningly difficult, not to mention humiliating.
Wow, this comment was really impactful for me.
I have had my ups and downs with my disorder but don’t compare myself to other people and their symptomology. It has a broad spectrum of burdens on varying levels and each person is unique. I think in many cases the meds work for some people successfully and in other cases don’t. But we should not have to excuse ourselves to fit in with other normative expectations. I think society makes sweeping judgements about what we should be doing and ought to be doing. Its very stern and moralising and leaves no room for asking questions or trying to show some measure of empathy. I think there is too much unnecessary scrutiny of the mentally ill and the process of valourising people and how we should be streamlined into a society to think do and be like everyone else is wrong. It is a middle-class like principle which can only really extend to people with the type of capacity to fully exercise their abilities without any type of impairments. Sometimes I hate the stuff that comes with bi-polar but the ignorance of the disease is even more unparalleled. We live with the burden of unintelligible pain and the moralising strictures and unyielding expectations. Something has gone awry in society where lack of empathy runs like a thread through a system we are told to muster our courage in the face of adversity and draw on the same “strengths” other people have. Its pure ignorance of the deficits we have to accommodate that is weilded against the victims of this disease and societies’ unwillingness to find middle ground. Basically as a mentally ill person you have no other option left but to plea bargain your way through life and negotiate difficult interpersonal relationships born of hard-lined ignorance that cast judgement upon our so-called “personal inadequacies”. We are basically told to unrealistically limber up like everyone else, to be fully functioning in spite of any given disability which impedes our day to day life and falling short of that we are cast off as if we don’t wish to fully contribute and are meandering through life. We need to talk about every person’s unique experience of this disease and accept it is a handicap like any other disability. At present we are only preaching to the converted. Society seems immovable on its stance with the mentally ill . Because of the difficult existing social codes brought to bear on peoples modern slave-like working lives, somehow the mentally ill appear to them to get off lightly in the face of harsh and dwindling economic conditions. I think the problem – this lack of understanding is derived largely from economics and the over-mystification of bi-polar. When the economic system fails people they go after targets such as the mentally ill who seem to be “doing ok” on the surface but are struggling underneath. There are no visible tell-tale signs that person is incapacitated so therefore they are readily subject to broad misunderstanding and are dismissed.
Hi there .
Natasha , I too have been following your blogs for a couple of years now and cannot wait to own your book which I will be ordering shortly.You can never please everyone and I daresay , people who have bipolar ,myself included , must be extra” hard to please” as we take being pleased to a whole new level ever so often…..I have found your open and honest account of what you go through ,how you experience situations and just how hateful life with bipolar is , helpful and thought provoking and life saving !!!! You have demonstrated that there IS LIFE WITH BIPOLAR and I want to thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. Much love and keep going girl.
Thanks for this! I find myself so often saying or thinking “I hate my life”, and in those moments, many times I do. Often the weight of dragging around OCD, depression, body dysmorphic disorder takes over and I feel like no matter what I do I will never get ahead. In those moments, all I can see is my life as my disorder(s). But, then there are some days where I can get a better perspective on who I truly am, underneath who my illnesses tell me I am, and I can experience a love of life, even if it’s brief. There are so many different parts to each of us; it’s ok to like some of those parts and dislike others.
Life is dynamic, emotions and feelings are ever changing. It’s ok to feel one way one day, and another way the next day, or next week… You can only do the best you can with what you’ve got each day. It’s so important to recognize each person’s struggle is unique. It’s ok to dislike things. It’s ok to get frustrated about things. It’s not ok to judge others or de-value those feelings!
Keep fighting for those positive parts to outweigh the negative! Never give up!
Happy Birthday! :)
Everyone’s bipolar experience is unique to her/him. This illness runs on a spectrum of symptoms and levels of severity, and to compare, question and judge someone’s truth is, at best, unhelpful; at worst hurtful.
So how about taking what is freely given, relate where and when you can and let the rest go.
That’s weird, I’ve never taken you to hate your life and that facebook post doesn’t make me think any of that either. I think the person/people who are commenting that hate their own life and are trying to (maybe subconsciously) find someone else who might feel the same way.
This is over-all a petty post from someone who’s struggling with criticism. A lot of people look up to Natasha, and she’s continuously talking about how much she hates her life, how horrible it is for her, and being a pessimist over-all. Do you know what I’ve been taught in therapy groups for the last few years? That people like her are going to bring you down. She got called out, and now she’s getting even more upset about it. It’s childish, but if she wants to have a pissing contest, I’m up for it. I hated being told to look at the positives, and people saying noticing happier things would make me feel better, I thought it was bull crap. I thought I had already tried hard enough, and I also had just been dealt a crap hand in the game of life. Yet when I tried it, and I mean actually tried it, everything changed. Maybe that’s what she needs to do too. Stop wallowing in self pity, and start making posts about good things, about the positive changes.
Sincerely, a fellow bipolar person (Who also has to deal with it consistently)
YOU brought me down–Not Natasha. Where do you get get your facts -oh swami? She’s helped more people than you have hairs on your head-unless you’re bald. And she’s done it with the sufferings of bipolar. Doesn’t sound one bit as though you even have it. Wallowing in self pity? You act on the way your mood is directing you to. Sad, morose, or miserable one minute, then an hour or week later, doing or feeling better or even well.
No therapy group will EVER change than. It may help you to cope but during a crappy episode, that advice is as helpful as punching fog.
Her career speaks for itself. When you have a blog that’s this successful and you write a book on bipolar that gets rave reviews, and when you have one iota of a following as Natasha does, then I’ll listen to what you have to say. Right now you sound delusional.
Why don’t YOU make some posts here about positive change for bipolar people? Seems like maybe you may suffer from something else. Possibly BPD? Most of us need meds to live or deal w/ this illness. Most of us need an adviser like Natasha. I know she’s helped me. You’ve just made me laugh.
I relate to this a lot. There are many things in my life that are good. I have a home, i have a supportive husband and i have healthy children. Life is comfortable.
But i hate that i can’t enjoy it. I hate that this illness robs me of even the simple joys of life. I hate that it interferes with my ability to be there for my kids. I hate that it makes me hate myself so much i would rather die. I don’t deserve the good things i have in my life. That is what this illness tells me.
Logically i know my life, outside of illness, is far better than many others experience. But my brain is sick and it lies to me.
I’ve been on disability for most of 12 years now. That to many might seem like it would suck to an extreme. Well, probably 8 of those years were mostly all sucky, but the most recent not so bad. Not that I’ve been able to get back to a “normal” life. When I try to take steps towards working (or anything similar to working) I am triggered (hypomania/mania, depression and/or severe anxiety). When my medications are lowered I eventually get triggered (in similar ways). But when I do my usual on disability (basically housewife with a few errands per week) I am just fine. I find simple pleasures during the course of the day. Perhaps in many ways I’m more talented at finding and enjoying simple pleasures more than people without bipolar disorder.
My pdoc tells me to live “One day at a time”. That has always frustrated me because I do want to be able to plan for something “bigger” and more challenging. I do believe people with bipolar disorder can strive towards and succeed at bigger things. Natasha, obviously writing a book is one such example. Though I haven’t yet figured out what my “bigger things” should be, I do know I’m capable of doing them. I don’t feel hopeless in my situation.
What I think is doable for me some day, and what seems to have been doable for you, Natasha, is to accomplish big things within the confines of a healthy and safe situation. Yes, I know some people with bipolar disorder can sometimes or even often step beyond those limits. But not all of us can. Or at least not at all times in our lives. But that doesn’t mean such a life sucks or that that kind of freedom or ability being hampered ruins our lives. Again, making the best of your current situation and enjoying what you CAN do and not harping on what you CAN’T do is the way to go.
Hi
I basically am a homebody with errands
Plus plenty of specialists + a cat to look
after
We are all different regarding how much
Stress we are able to take+ how many
Triggers
Personally I only venture out to the shops
2x week unless something urgent .
Or kitty is sick.
I know when in mania I am a creative person
But one must be restricted due to noise
Apartment life. The thing about bipolar
Is as shitty as it can be, I find even when
I start hypo mania I’m really funny
Split second making puns & stuff
My most cherished time when my
Apartment is completely silent it’s
Med @ Bed time I call my cat she runs
Up jumps up close to my elbow
Then it’s one of those nights ……we are
Asleep in 1/2 hour
That’s paradise…..
I have alluded to this before. As someone who has bipolar type II hypo mania. I experience bipolar at an altogether different location on the wide spectrum of bipolar. I still read your blogs, because I can relate to your passion, concerns, emotions, and feelings here and there.
I have had 7 bouts with debilitating depression…but mania was not really a problem for most of my life. Like you, I have done well in my profession. I am now retired, but active.
Problematic are the illnesses that accompanied bipolar…anxiety, phobia, mental torture, etc. These create more obstacles that must be dealt with to have a more stable life.
I have alluded to this before. As someone who has bipolar type II hypo mania. I experience bipolar at an altogether different location on the wide spectrum of bipolar. I still read your blogs, because I can relate to your passion, concerns, emotions, and feelings here and there.
I have had 7 bouts with debilitating depression…but mania was not really a problem for most of my life. Like you, I have done well in my profession. I am now retired, but active.
Problematic are the illnesses that accompanied bipolar…anxiety, phobia, mental torture, etc. These create more obstacles that must be dealt with to have a more stable life.