I’ve written a couple of posts on the worst things to say to a person with bipolar disorder and saying, “Isn’t everyone a little bipolar?” certainly ranks among the worst.
It’s so unbelievably dismissive and invalidating of a medical illness that I can barely fathom it. One very mature person on Facebook simply said, of this statement, “I guess our work fighting stigma isn’t done yet.” That’s an awfully gracious way of putting it.
Isn’t Everyone a Little Bipolar?
The answer to this question is “no.” No, no, no, no, no, a thousand times no. Seriously. To suggest that everyone is a little bit bipolar shows an absolute ignorance of bipolar disorder and of mental illness in general.
Yeah, Everyone Is a Little Medically Ill
People have this ridiculous notion that being bipolar is about being “happy” and “sad” and about having “mood swings.” Yeah. Comparing bipolar moods to “happy” and “sad” is like comparing a sun to a flickering candle.
So people make the outrageous assumption that because some people are moody, because some people really are, happy and sad at intervals, these people are somehow a little bipolar. Redonkulous.
To be clear, depression is not “sadness.” Sadness is when you break up with your significant other – real and normal – depression is about destroying everything in your life including your will to breathe. It’s about painful, physical symptoms along with a persistent psychological reality that can drive people to death.
And mania (or hypomania) is not “happiness.” Mania is a state of such grandiose mood that it endangers the life of the person experiencing it or those around them. It destroys judgment and can induce psychosis. And happiness can be the furthest thing from a person’s mind if they find irritability to be the major feature where other people simply breathing air ticks you right off.
So, are people a little bit suicidal? Are people a little bit psychotic? No, they’re not. They’re normal people that have normal experiences that vary within a normal range at normal intervals. Variance is normal. Illness is not.
What It Says to Someone with Bipolar When You Say ‘Everyone Is a Bit Bipolar’
What is says is that bipolar isn’t real. It says bipolar isn’t that bad. It says that bipolar isn’t a serious illness.
Tell the families of all the people who have died from it.
Bipolar Is Real
Bipolar is real. Bipolar is serious. And your average person has no idea what it’s like to live with this particular torture so stop comparing something you know nothing about.
WOW!!! Boy you hit the nail on the head here. Having lived with the hellish disease for over 30 years I have come to the conclusion that it is quite literally impossible for someone to understand who does not live with it in their head. So i have quit even trying to explain it. I told my wife the other day that she lives in a world where every mood has a trigger and an explanation: Im frustrated because of … or Im angry because … or Im excited because… While I live in a world where 75% of my emotions, moods and feelings have ZERO explanation!!! I get so sick of people in my face asking me why are you sad? Why are you upset? What did I do? And you tell them they did nothing and there is no reason you feel that way you just do and they pester you and pester you and pester you until you finally fabricate a reason just so they will leave you alone for a minute or 2. And then the really beauty is trying to explain to them that you hate and love something at the same time or that you are happy and sad at the same time or angry and excited at the SAME TIME!!! This only makes sense to someone who lives the same hellish torment in there head and it is impossible to explain to someone who does not understand mixed episodes or rapid cycling or what its like to stare at a white wall for hours on end without a single thought going through your head the entire time and not caring one single bit… I geuss in a nutshell my point is this: Dont try to explain yourself to the normal’s because all it does is frustrate you and make you feel even more alienated from the world… Just accept that we are special for our reasons and they are special for there reasons and never the twain shall meet…. Also – I wanted to thank you for the comment about comparing mood swings to a bi-polarity episode is like comaring the flicker of a candle to the noon-day sun!!! I LOVE THAT comparison it is SO TRUE!!! Anyways, that is all, hang in there and I LOVE YOU ALL !!! :)
you have absolutely NO IDEA how much i needed this tonight. just had a doctor COMPLETELY invalidate me by saying that today. and his dad was a PSYCHIATRIST. what the hell.
he told me i didn’t need to be on my mood stabilizer because i was doing so many intellectual activities like writing, and art, and piano. again, what the hell. he said ‘we are all bipolar. we just have ways of monitoring our moods without stabilizers by practicing balance and emotion regulation.’
that. hurt.
thank you for writing this. makes me feel slightly better. so hard to NOT believe a medical professional (especially one with as many credentials as this doctor has!) when they say shit like that. god. so invalidated.
Yikes! I guess I will say that is on point!
One of the worst thing said to me about bipolar d/o was by a former business partner some 20 years ago. We’d been shot down for a comprehensive Insurance policy covering life & disability of the three business owners at a good discount. The reason for the denial was because I had been on a med 5 years earlier that automatically disqualified me (i.e. Lithium.)
My former business partner was furious with me for the denial, yelling “We got denied because YOU were on medicine for a make-believe illness that doesn’t even exist!” And I had taken this asshole under my wings and helped him tremendously for several years at that point.
Needless to say, our friendship ended that moment and the business partnership died fairly rapidly too.
Who gave you the right to define someone who experiences a range of emotions as sick or diseased. Under what authority do you stake your claims? Better yet, why not question who you heard it from? We all have our ups and downs but that doesn’t mean your bipolar. ‘Professionals’ get to give their opinions and we’re all supposed to just take it as gospel because a bunch of white guys all decided one day to call it that (insert mental “illness”). Face it, it’s all an arbitrary consensus. At best, an opinion. You think you know but it’s all in your head. The fact is your still that goofy little child and you always will be no matter how well you act your adult role. I understand that maybe your thoughts have been suicidal because anybody who does that feels ashamed of themselves most of their waking days. Why? Because there’s no love there! Only conditions and judgement. No fucking wonder people kill themselves!
Extreme sadness can become despondency which can become the lack of even a desire to be happy. Is this depression? Extreme happiness is the opposite and even if you feel like your doing a bad job of something or feel guilty or hated or stupid, you can as though your success and the attainment of your happiness is of foremost importance and you will be able to do this easily and without risk. “Bipolar” literally means extreme opposites. Although it’s a difficult comparison, aren’t the mania and depression just completely uncontrollable and extreme degrees of happiness and sadness? In my mind, their descriptions match what I would theorize for the absolute degrees of both moods. I accept my inferior perspective if this is not true but I don’t think everyone intends to be offensive or dismissive. Rather, relating the psyche of bipolar persons to emotions I know is the only way I can hope to conceive of it. Similarly, someone with later on Alzheimer’s can be understood more easily if you consider that they have mind blocks and forget things except their mind blocks prevent them from knowing how to say words and their memory loss means they forget people they love. I absolutely agree that everyone must recognize it as an illness but I think the theory that everyone has “slight bipolar” (obviously nothing is slightly polar because that makes no sense) may enable people to comprehend bipolar as opposed to being reductive. I never assumed that a condition being a version of something ubiquitous made it any less severe. I acknowledge how challenging it must be to be affected not externally to the mind but internally so forgive if I’m just being ignorant.
Extreme sadness can become despondency which can become the lack of even a desire to be happy. Is this depression? Extreme happiness is the opposite and even if you feel like your doing a bad job of something or feel guilty or hated or stupid, you can as though your success and the attainment of your happiness is of foremost importance and you will be able to do this easily and without risk. “Bipolar” literally means extreme opposites. Although it’s a difficult comparison, aren’t the mania and depression just completely uncontrollable and extreme degrees of happiness and sadness? In my mind, their descriptions match what I would theorize for the absolute degrees of both moods. I accept my inferior perspective if this is not true but I don’t think everyone intends to be offensive or dismissive. Rather, relating the psyche of bipolar persons to emotions I know is the only way I can hope to conceive of it. Similarly, someone with later on Alzheimer’s can be understood more easily if you consider that they have mind blocks and forget things except their mind blocks prevent them from knowing how to say words and their memory loss means they forget people they love. I absolutely agree that everyone must recognize it as an illness but I think the theory that everyone has “slight bipolar” (obviously nothing is slightly polar because that makes no sense) may enable people to comprehend bipolar as opposed to being reductive. I never assumed that a condition being a version of something ubiquitous made it any less severe. I acknowledge how challenging it must be to be affected not externally to the mind but internally so do tell me if I’m just being ignorant.
You’re awesome.
After being diagnosed for 29 years I think I have heard the most insulting sentences to describe myself and my Bi-Polar 1. I thought I was pretty well immune to words people use to describe me and yet one small hurtful description of a flaw related to my Bi-Polar will last with me for days and like today has me caught in a spiral down. I can only ask why someone would be so cruel. This catches me unawares as I thought I had heard it all both from friends and enemies.
Thank you for this post to share. SO many people STILL don’t think mental illnesses are “real” and say incredible things to people that can really throw them off. My family refuses to try to understand. It is hard to not have their support. I am committed to spreading the information and stamping out the ignorance that causes stigma. I will share this on MY page based in Ontario, Canada – Riders Against Mental Illness Stigma.
I have an elderly cousin who is dismissive of MY illness, and didn’t understand that I could not handle a high stress job, teaching in an inner city. However, she has so much respect and compassion for another family member who has either dysthymia or MDD. This person works full time. I don’t talk to her as much anymore because she makes me feel like I feel embarrassed about my life.
I agree that some people are dismissive about mental illness. But I really wish people with bipolar would stop comparing themselves to cancer patients. I had a friend with bipolar once tell me that she was sick of people badgering her into going to therapy; she proceeded to say, “this is a real disease, you wouldn’t yell at someone with cancer, would you?” First of all, I can accept that bipolar is a real disease, but there are many types of diseases. I wouldn’t compare my migraines to cancer, and I have received many dismissive comments about migraines by those who think they are just headaches. By people saying that they have a migraine when they don’t. But cancer is a different thing altogether, and I think that comparing bipolar to cancer makes people less likely to sympathize with those living with blipolar. Secondly, if my friend had cancer and didn’t get treatment, I would yell at her. Ashe refuses to go to therapy, except when she needs her meds refilled. But she obviously needs help developing coping mechanisms. My grandmother had to go to chemotherapy and a therapist while she had cancer. I don’t understand her resistance to seeing a therapist, when she needs help and routines to make her better. The meds are not enough!
My sister said this to me today after I got off the phone with my psychiatrist office to let them know I was severely hypo manic and ” just checking in”!!! I love her dearly but I really could see myself throw her through the concrete wall. I am posting this on her facebook page.. Ok. Maybe not. I am posting it on mine though.
This sort of dismissive, off-the-cuff remark is every bit indicative of society’s fear and laziness about understanding of any mental illness. I firmly believe people don’t want to believe that mental illness might actually be close to them; like the stigma THEY PERPETUATE WITH THEIR IGNORANCE will somehow be associated with them! And so, like people often do when they joke about [hidden] truths within themselves, they throw out [yes, stupid] remarks like, “…oh, everyone nowadays is ADHD…” “…well isn’t everyone just a little bit bipolar?” Of course this certainly reveals their ignorance; much like it would have been had they expressed fear of contracting AIDS through casual contact 25-30 years ago. The thing is; these stigmas are a form of prejudice–bottom line–and need to be eradicated via education!!!
I will resist the bipolar label until my death. Mood = doom. It’s all a brainwashing scheme to get creative peeps on psych meds. I don’t have mania or depression. This is who I am. I will hold the electric, glowing, worm-good green mood ball and throw lavender bolts of lightning until I fall into a black hole. Electricity is bipolar. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaa!
I guess I’m guilty of some of the “prejudice” against Bipolar. I always add a 2 or say bipolar depression even clinical depression, so people won’t think I’m as serious. I haven’t even come out of the Bipolar closet with most people. Since no one mentions it when I do, I assume they respect it, or don’t care or don’t believe me. I faked being “OK” all my life and now I’m starting to be ok for real because of meds and therapy. I LOVE your website articles about “Worst Things to Say to People With Bipolar.”
Yes! this is so true people always want to tell me when I’m hypomanic that everyone on earth experiences mania.
People can be such ignoramuses, can’t they? SIGH.
Ugh! The word ‘bipolar’ is a noun not an adjective. I’ve personally had some terrible things said when I’ve told people about it. Some have told me it is not a real illness to my face. It’s terrible to hear when you’ve experienced the very real and very life threatening pain of this disorder. It’s nice to hear what others on this page have to say about it. : )
I agree with you. Sometimes, it’s really hard to explain to others. I have friends who are bipolar, and because I know their situation well, I would never make such a comment. I guess a lot of people don’t have enough education about it, so Bipolar becomes just a concept that they conjure up. Articles like this one you put out with surely shed light for many, Thank you.
The people really needs to be informed or educated about this condition. The word bipolar is not something that you can use in a normal conversation. It is not a joke.
“Everyone is a little bipolar” ranks right up there with telling people with depression to “snap out of it.” I’ve had both reactions and they’re so unhelpful it’s not funny. Really, truly not funny. They’re what I call anti-helpful.
Try this with that person: “You wouldn’t tell a person with cancer to ‘snap out of it’ now would you? Depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc are all very REAL diseases! Why would you think the human brain is impervious to illness?” You could also tell them the visual difference between a diabetic pancreas and that of a non diabetic is INVISIBLE! Not all illness is visible!!!
I get u right there, my brother said this to me
I felt like saying & how much medication are u on, we all have up & downs sure but NOT bipolar up & downs over nothing, if people don’t understand they should keep quiet
Oh My GOD ….. I got that from someone I really care about. She dropped that bomb right when I told her what was going on with my life and how much difficulty I was having dealing with the diagnosis.
“Well… aren’t we all a little bipolar” she said….
I had to fight the urge to say “so you think about suicide every day too??”
Unfortunately I’m surrounded by people who think this way. I’m just moody. I need to shake it off. We all get depressed sometimes – why should you get all the glory?
When I first read how much “everybody is a little bipolar” offended you, I wondered why, because it didn’t offend me, it actually made me feel better. Then I realized…it’s because I can’t accept that fact that I’m bipolar in myself, it’s something I am very, very embarrassed, even ashamed of, therefore it’s hard for me expect other people to accept that I am bipolar as well. Yes, I realize I am bipolar, although I try to tell myself “I’m not THAT bipolar, just a little…” The stigma is too much for me! I applaud people who feel comfortable and compelled to tell their coworkers and bosses, friends, neighbors, family, etc., about their mental illness. I wish I had that much courage, people must feel so free, yet at the same time, I wonder how differently they are treated, how they’re perceived? Absolutely my life is affected by my illness as medication can’t possibly be fool-proof 100% of the time, but I am mortified when I go to a medical doctor’s office for the first time and have to reveal my mental illness because of my medications and see their behavior towards me immediately change, even the way they look at me. Yes, I should also be contributing to fighting the stigma, every person should be doing what they can, and as a fully functioning mentally ill person, I think I might make a good role model to other people who could see that a bipolar person can be what society might deem as “normal”, yet if I tell them, I know I won’t be seen as “normal” any more. What do you do when your career rests on being seen as mentally competent, where that could be used against you, legally?
I’m basically just venting, thanks Natasha. : ) I have to tell a doctor in a few hours that I’ve seen before that I’m bipolar that I didn’t tell the first time I saw him and I’m not looking forward to that typical cringeworthy reaction.
As an aside, I deliberately used racist, sexist and ageist rather than diabetic or hypertensive. While they’re equally invisible, most people will give their behavior at least a cursory look with a socially unacceptable behavior label that /might/ apply to them.
The first thing out of my brain was “Right, just like everybody is a little bit racist. (or sexist, or ageist, or just a little bit pregnant!)” SNORT Public awareness and education have a long way to go. ::sigh::
It offends me when the phrase “everybody is a little bipolar” is used! NO NOT EVERYONE HAS A SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE. Or better yet “this is bipolar weather” people speak out of turn on this subject all the time. I have bipolar 2 and sometimes the symptoms of my bipolar are too much to handle. I have attempted suicide on 3 seperate occasions the “avereage person” cannot say they have done that or a manic shopping spree….or better yet a deep deppression for weeks on end…people need to educate themselves on the disorder before the words bipolar come out of their mouth! Sorry to be so blunt but it simply sickens me to no end when people type cast you or label you as bipolar I am Christy not my disease!
While I’m not bipolar, I do have panic disorder and social phobia, and have have three major depressive episodes now (along with a handful of suicide attempts). I cannot stand when people trivialize the experiences of the mentally ill by saying things like “aren’t we all a little bipolar”.
I have friends who will compare the distress felt during a tough exam to the searing explosion of emotions that surrounds a suicide attempt. I’ve heard people say they “almost had a panic attack” over deciding what shoes to wear. And I can’t even begin to fathom how many people have told me “everyone gets anxious.” As if my experiences with crippling panic attacks and derealization are part of a “normal experience” that everyone has. Screw off.
Anyway, just wanted to say I feel your frustration. Great post, as always.
SUBTLE SIGNS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER are not the same as SEVERE SYMPTOMS. Bipolar disorder VARIES in severity. (Some comments below have been taken from other pages online.) Bipolar individuals know that many of their symptoms are NOT “normal,” and explaining these symptoms to the average or “normal” crowd usually falls on deaf ears. It is nearly impossible to escape those who make hurtful remarks about people with bipolar disorder or any psychiatric disorder, yet it is not going to go away tomorrow and may not for a long time. We can hope that raising awareness and educating the public will make a change, and change does not happen overnight. I have noticed a huge amount of change in the past decade and believe that stigma will be lessened in our society. Still, it is not enough. How much is enough though ?
I’ve known “normal” or undiagnosed individuals who have some of the characteristics and/or traits of bipolar disorder (ex. hyposexuality, insomnia, impulsivity, excitement, ingesting substances/alcohol, ruminating, procrastination, tardiness, authority figures yelling inappropriately and/or irrationally, talkative, irritability, productivity/lack thereof.) Those supposedly “normal” people have “normal” experiences that vary within a normal range at normal intervals. Variance is “normal.” So why do some people choose to take the statement “everyone is a little bipolar” so seriously? Some people might say that to help a bipolar person not feel like such an outcast (assuming the person feels that way). Yes, bipolar disorder is a VERY serious medical condition yet the truth about this condition needs no defense, and those who choose to act defensively when others say inaccurate things about psychiatric disorders are probably setting themselves up for disappointment. There is NO shame in having a medical condition. Don’t buy into criticism or the lies associated with stigmatization or you may start believing them yourself. One’s sense of self is important to everyone, bipolar or not.
Some pyschologist believe defensiveness is a way of protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego. Choosing to be at peace with a medical condition is an option. Defensiveness may only cause you to become entrenched in your position. No one is required to explain or defend a complex medical condition unless they choose to. If you have bipolar disorder, it is the truth, and for many, often times very painful to accept.
Which is worse — ?? Stigmatizing yourself if you have bipolar disorder OR others stigmatizing you ??
Bipolar people are unusual. If you are one you can pick them out in a crowd. Your life at best is chaotic and self control varies over time. To say that every one is a little bipolar (something I have heard before) is to acknowledge how little you know about the disease and the people who live with it. I like to think that bipolar people are just like everyone else.
“Don’t we all have just a *little* bit of bubonic plague? I mean, no, really, isn’t *everyone* at least a *little* bubonic?”
It reminds me of Steve Martin’s “El Guapo” speech in “The Three Amigos” where he uses humor to dissect the self-aggrandizing arrogance of this kind of statement.
I’ve been doing some reading about various forms of “privilege,” and one of the things that people on the “privileged” side usually have the destructive luxury of doing is ignoring the problem–the numbers or other power dynamic of privilege lets them drown out an inconvenient reality. “Isn’t everyone a little bipolar?” is an example of people without a mental illness exercising majority “privilege” to drown out the inconvenient truth that those of us with major mental illnesses really are heavily and disproportionately impacted by something that isn’t our fault.
If people without mental illnesses fully acknowledged and fully accepted the truth of our suffering and impairment, and fully accepted the truth that it’s an accident of fate that inflicts it on us–not “merit” or lack thereof–then they would have to feel guilty for not expending more resources and not accepting more personal inconvenience to themselves in order to help take care of us and make our lives more bearable.
They minimize and turn their eyes away and deny because if they were to face and acknowledge the underlying reality, their consciences would force them to make a number of inconvenient (for them) changes in their own lives.
Denial is their way of telling their inconvenient consciences to shut up.
For people who deeply believe that people’s outcomes are based on merit, or that the world is an inherently “just” place in some form or another, it conflicts–hard–with their fundamental worldview to have to face how much of other people’s outcomes is just a matter of “stuff happens.”
Scratch a person who says something like, “Everyone is a little bipolar,” find someone who has a strong vested interest in believing that the good outcomes that they have now or anticipate having in the future are because they *deserve* them more than people who don’t have those good outcomes. Or someone who has some other strong emotional investment in believing the world is a “just” place where the overall trend of what happens to people is based on what they deserve.
I was raised to think all that. Bipolar disorder is getting in the way of having that luxury.
JulieC,
Great comment. So true. Bipolar does get in the way of such a luxury.
Thanks.
– Natasha Tracy
I hate to say even I’ve said silly things like this…just because I feel like bipolar is so hard to understand. On the same leaf, let’s not judge people who judge. Since mental illness affects a decent fraction of society, what is a good example of “normal?” On TV, in the media, we see “abnormal” people all the time, too. Some of us, including myself, don’t know anymore. Mental illness kinda seems normal to me…maybe because I don’t know anything else. I’d love to understand another perspective, a healthy one… But sometimes I just can’t, because I feel like my highs and lows make sense. Like they’re the same as others’ feelings, just more intense. I’m confused. Maybe I say this as a pretty young person (early 20s) who’s not even fully grown into my symptoms, but who we are seems very convincing. It’s natural not to want to change our personality, even when it’s sick. I feel like only time is helping me be more open minded, to understand what society expects from me. Sorry if I’m peddling some kind of misinformation, it’s just my (ignorant?) opinion.
Sometimes I ask “isn’t everyone a little bipolar,” just because I want to relate somehow.
Hi Anon,
I think that’s a very real, valid and salient point. We all want to relate and sometimes we say things that aren’t quite right to do it.
Basically, it’s totally understandable. We all want to close the gap between ourselves and everyone else.
– Natasha Tracy
When a person without a mood disorder says, “I’m angry because when you said this mean thing to me I felt bad,” there’s a good chance that that person’s anger is roughly proportional to the mean thing said and its interaction with their personal baggage.
When *I* say that, I have to worry about whether the *real* reason for some or all of my anger is that my brain is dumping random mood-altering chemicals into my synapses or directing blood flows in weird ways or I’m having some kind of small seizure and then when I look around for a way to interpret why I’m feeling “anger” sensations, something the other guy said to me is just the most plausible thing I fasten on.
Or, when I say, “No, I’m not mad about that thing you said,” maybe I *ought to be* angry. Maybe anger would be a reasonable and proportional reaction that would help me correct a life problem, but maybe I don’t feel that anger because my brain is doing the mood altering chemicals or altered blood flow thing.
Having bipolar disorder means that your reactions *seem* reasonable and proportional from the inside, but that in reality your emotional reactions to things in your environment give you feedback that is *distorted* to be either exaggerated or minimized depending on what your brain disorder is doing to your mood.
Having bipolar disorder is like viewing the world through a carnival hall of mirrors that give us randomly distorted emotional feedback about our world and our interactions with others. We have to learn and apply special skills, in addition to using medication, in order to make workable guesses at what a “true” emotional mirror would reflect back at us.
Our emotions are a _sense_, just like sight or hearing or touch–but they’re a very complicated sense that we infer from a whole lot of different kinds of data our bodies and brains collect for us. Emotions are a vital sense for our survival and functioning in a world–when they work right, they give us useful and accurate information for when we’re doing things that are healthy and functional and when we’re doing the equivalent of sticking our hand on a hot stove.
To compare to vision again, imagine that sometimes you saw “blue” things as blue, but other times you saw them as red or green or yellow–and that you never really could know for sure when your brain was seeing red, green, or yellow (or blue) if the item was really “blue.” Imagine getting dressed in the morning. Your internal experience of the clothes you picked out would be that they “made sense.” But externally, to people whose brains were accurately tracking the light wavelengths your clothes were really reflecting? You’d look “crazy.”
Now imagine that there were cues about your sleep or diet or other behavior that you could keep track of that would kind of clue you in to when you might be seeing blue as red or blue as yellow. Imagine that there were medicines you would take that, after a lot of trial and error with different medicines, could give you a reliable baseline for certain items consistently in your life that really are “blue” and some idea of how “blue” they are. Imagine that with the medicines you more frequently and more consistently–but far from perfectly—saw blue things as blue.
You could learn to kind of sort of function, somewhat, some of the time, by using a whole bunch of compensating strategies, including medications, to make reasonably good assessments about what colors the stuff around you is.
Everybody sees “blue” and “yellow” and “green” and “red” things sometimes, but not everybody has a brain disorder that systematically distorts their color perceptions so that they have to really work at it to figure out which things *really are* blue, yellow, green, and red.
Since our moods don’t just tell us when we’re well or badly dressed, they tell us fundamental information about whether our behaviors and choices and situations are self-helpful or self-destructive, or are helpful or destructive to the people around us, not being able to perceive our emotional information in “true blue”–not having a *euthymic* mood–is a severe, severe life handicap.
Sorry for the occasional grammar error in the above comment. It’s a rough draft.
What a wonderful explanation. I’m bipolar, and my Aspberger’s husband is color blind. I think you wrote this just for us. : ) I bet he “gets” this one.
I think other people “get” pretty easily that our mood distortions can cause us to overreact to things. I think what they don’t “get” as easily is that our mood distortions *also* cause us to *underreact* to things–and to have trouble telling which is which.
(The below about how the distortion has impacted my relationships is not some kind of indirect comment on your husband. Your husband’s an Aspie whom I don’t know. I’ve had problems with Narcissists. I’m just riffing on the dangers of *underreacting*.)
In my case, it’s made me vulnerable to getting into and staying in relationships with partners who do cruddy, insensitive things that any neurotypical person would find cruddy and insensitive and I either don’t protest or accept that person’s assertion that I’m “overreacting” when I protest his bad behavior.
I’ve had two bad marriages with partners who consistently behaved badly, but because I was so vulnerable to being told I was overreacting, and sometimes do overreact, and sometimes underreact–I was vulnerable to that partner’s exploitation and his own distorted internal “reality.”
It’s not that I didn’t have the self-respect to leave a toxic relationship–it’s that it took me a lot longer to build up a base of “data” sufficient to identify that the relationship really was toxic and it wasn’t “just me.”
Narcissists and sociopaths find us somewhat easier prey because if they can get inside our circle of trust to begin with, we’re more likely to believe them when they “sell” us a distorted account of reality. If he behaves well enough to win our trust in the early part of a relationship, it takes us longer to catch on that Good Old Bob is a snake.
Thank you. Everything you said makes sense. After a lot of thought, I had already come to these conclusions. My moods; and thus a barometer for life is defective. It’s true that the more you feel an emotion, the more reality distorts. It’s hard to overcome the selective hearing, the paranoias, the quiet anxiety and pain of feeling “unrelatable” emotions.
I cherish the times when I’m calm and rational. When I’m not, I regret that it affects my relationships. I wish I could just will a good mood to happen, it would save me interruptions during great moments. I know I have a handicap; mood disorders feel like that. I have to think more with my head, not my heart, which is more often than not a bleeding, needy heart. (Funny, I actually read a study saying that low serotonin affects decision-making. You really do make decisions partly with your moods.) In my personal life, I feel like I’m not good enough unless I have full control of myself, due to past arguments over bad moods.
It really makes dry organized life difficult, since you can’t just not do something because you weren’t feeling up to it. I like to set aside time to let the emotional “buildup” go.
We are our own worst critics. Having mood disorders gives you some crazy insecurities. It’s like a lifetime of incorrect, distorted beliefs that just keep recurring until you believe them. All we can do is face those overwhelming emotions and fears in a brave manner until we realize they’re wrong. We can’t let them be a dangerous, unpredictable part of our lives like landmines buried inside us. They wear us down, but we must find hope and healing afterwards. (hug) to all.
When I first became sick with bipolar disorder, I went through the stages of grief. Denial lasted a couple of years. It’s five or six years on now and acceptance of my illness is still pending. I still think I can control it and I’m starting to see that’s not true.
I think it’s also hard for others to accept how sick we really are. Can a human being possibly be so vulnerable? These ‘little white lies’ – or big giant fibs – like “Isn’t everyone a little bipolar?” make it possible for people to accept you as a person without accepting that you’re really ill.
It’s not fair on us, who carry this burden alone, who are blamed for the fact that we can’t get out of bed – it’s much better for my flatmate to see me as ‘lazy’, than to live with the reality of the hell that is my brain. But for me – when you deny my illness – what are the long term effects?
I’ll leave you all with that question.
I totally agree. It makes me soooooo frustrated.
I’m curious ……. how do you respond to this? I struggle with a concise and effective answer.
The other thing I hearr alot of is ” boy we are having some bipolar weather”. WTF?
Hi Rita,
Well, you’re welcome to be more polite than I am, but I would be tempted to say something like, “yes, and everyone has some cancer in them too,” or, “yeah, and everyone’s a bit epileptic too,” because those statements are equally as ignorant.
Now, if you want to be more polite, I recommend that you explain that mental illness is a medical illness and thus is, de facto, not in the average population. You might also want to remind them that this type of illness causes more than half of people with bipolar to attempt suicide and many to complete suicide. That would not be in “everybody.”
– Natasha Tracy
The comment about bipolar weather relates to my knee-jerk thought on the “everyone is a little bipolar” jab. A little rain is to a typical reaction as what a hurricane is to a bipolar reaction.
OMG, so true!!!! My brother, who is almost certainly bipolar (runs in the family and he’s depressive and irrational a lot of the time) says this all the time. He uses it as an excuse not to get medical treatment. Since my husband is bipolar, I really get upset about this. My husband tries his best (thru meds and discipline) to try to curb the symptoms of bp, but it’s a constant struggle. Even understanding his comment is made partly from denial of his own issues and partly to minimize the stigma, it’s insulting and frustrating.
I so agree. Well said.