Why It’s So Easy to Hate Yourself When You Have Bipolar Disorder (and How to Stop)

I’ve often felt self-hatred in bipolar disorder. It can feel like living with an enemy inside your own head. Many people with bipolar disorder have this enemy. And while self-hatred isn’t a symptom of bipolar disorder, it sure seems to have something to do with it. It’s just another way our brains turn on us and try to beat us up. Often, self-hatred isn’t experienced as an occasional bad day; it’s experienced as a relentless voice that whispers, “You’re not enough.” I’ve lived with bipolar disorder for over 25 years, and I know what it’s like to wake up every morning already disappointed in yourself. But here’s the truth: self-hatred in bipolar disorder is common, and it’s not a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of what the illness is.

In this article, I take a look at what that self-hatred looks like, why it’s so easy to hate yourself when you have bipolar, and how you can change that vicious voice in your head.

Jump to a section:

1. Signs of Self-Hatred in Bipolar Disorder
2. Why Bipolar Disorder Fuels Self-Hatred and Self-Loathing
3. How to Overcome Self-Hatred in Bipolar Disorder
4. Beating Bipolar Disorder’s Self-Hatred for a Happier You
5. Frequently Asked Questions About Bipolar Disorder and Self-Hatred

Signs of Self-Hatred in Bipolar Disorder

Sometimes, self-hatred is easy to spot. It might be as simple as a voice telling you over and over that you hate yourself. I’ve heard that voice for years of my life. However, sometimes self-hatred is a bit sneakier. Sometimes it hides itself in other verbiage like, “I’m worthless,” “I ruin everything,” or “No one could ever love me.”

And sometimes self-hatred is sneakier yet. It really only shows itself in our actions. You might find yourself in patterns like:

• Sabotaging relationships: You might push people away before they can reject you. You might even avoid relationships altogether.
• Avoiding opportunities: You might find yourself not applying for jobs because you think you couldn’t possibly get them, or sharing your ideas because you think they’re worthless. You might even sabotage your successes.
• Numbing out: You might use food, alcohol, addictive behaviors, or endless scrolling to avoid your feelings.
• Neglecting yourself and your needs: This might take the form of doing nothing in the way of self-care or even denying yourself the basics like food and sleep. (And we all know how important sleep is in bipolar disorder.)
• Constantly seeking reassurance: If you ask people to reaffirm your decisions, thoughts, or who you are, how you look, etc., those may be signs that you hate yourself inwardly and so are looking for love outwardly. This may also manifest by trusting others more than you trust yourself.
• Refusing to accept or ignoring praise, compliments, etc.: While many people are used to shrugging off compliments for a variety of reasons, if you can never accept praise over even the most obvious aspects of yourself, it might be because of self-hatred.
• Actively by harming yourself: You may be driven to abuse substances, self-harm, engage in risky sex, etc., all things that can hurt you, by self-hatred.
• Refusing help: You may also refuse help because you feel you don’t deserve to get better or feel better.

Obviously, that last point is critical for those with a mental illness. Self-hatred in bipolar disorder can not only destroy your current happiness, but also steal the opportunity for future happiness by denying you treatment.

Why Bipolar Disorder Fuels Self-Hatred and Self-Loathing

Many things can create self-hatred in a person. Experiencing a lack of validation, perfectionism, trauma, and shame can all increase the chances of self-hatred for a person. But people with bipolar disorder are particularly prone to self-hatred because of the following:

• Shame over symptoms, past acts, or your diagnosis: When you first discover that your actions and feelings aren’t like everyone else’s, you may naturally feel ashamed. You may feel ashamed that you can’t feel happy when others can because of depression. You may feel shame over buying a $10,000 handbag that you couldn’t afford when manic that you’re still paying off. You might feel ashamed of having any diagnosis at all. This shame can eat away at you and manifest as self-hatred.
• Society’s stigma becomes your self-stigma: We all know there is a stigma around mental illnesses like bipolar disorder. This stigma expands outward from society, and we all get caught in its wake. However, some of us truly internalize that narrative. We start to believe the false stereotypes like that we’re dangerous, violent, incapable, unstable, etc. This becomes self-stigma, and then eventually morphs into self-hatred.
• Our own standards are impossible: People with bipolar disorder can’t hold themselves to the same standards as people without bipolar disorder. For example, you might not be able to work because of bipolar disorder. You can’t then hold yourself to the standard that says that you must work or you’re worthless. Similarly, you might need extra help to live your best life. This can include doctors, therapists, frequent medical tests, help around the house, supplemental security income, etc. If we hold ourselves to a standard that says that we shouldn’t need those things, we may hate ourselves.
• Memories of past mistakes haunt us: People with bipolar disorder often have trouble holding down jobs and maintaining interpersonal relationships. Everyone makes mistakes, but we may internalize these mistakes as self-hatred.
• We think we are a burden to others: Loved ones often help those with bipolar disorder. This is kind and loving but can be perceived as us being a burden on them. If you feel like a burden, it’s easy to hate yourself.
• Depression’s symptoms become overwhelming: Symptoms of bipolar depression include feelings of worthlessness and excessive guilt. This can easily translate into self-hatred in everyday life.
• You are suffering from suicidality: You may hate yourself simply for having suicidal feelings, even though they are just symptoms of an illness. Additionally, while suicidality can produce self-hatred, self-hatred can worsen suicidality, which worsens self-hatred, etc. It can be a vicious cycle out of which it is hard to stop.

I’m sure you can think of many more. Self-hatred and bipolar disorder are seemingly linked almost intrinsically, but you can fight back against self-hatred in bipolar disorder to live a happier life.

How to Overcome Self-Hatred in Bipolar Disorder

Self-hatred can be overwhelming when it shows up in seemingly every aspect of life. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t feel better about yourself over time. Try these steps to fight bipolar’s self-hatred:

1. Name it: When you see self-hatred in any form, say “that’s self-hatred talking” to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for having those thoughts, just witness their existence. Learning about and practicing mindfulness may help with this.
2. Speak to yourself as you would a friend: Borrow another voice, specifically, the one you would use to speak to a friend. If a friend of yours said that they hated themselves, were unlovable, incapable, etc., think about what you would say to them. You would treat them with kindness, and you deserve that same kindness.
3. Learn about self-kindness and self-compassion: Learning about self-kindness and self-compassion can shift the way you think about yourself — really. Read this and go here for more. Put these lessons into practice over time. Actions of self-kindness and self-compassion should be a lifetime practice.
4. Get professional help: Self-hatred can be pernicious and sticky so you might not be able to irradicate it yourself, especially if you have additionally complications like a trauma in your past. That’s where professional help comes in. Either solo or group therapy can give you the skills you need to fight self-hatred in bipolar disorder.
5. Challenge the stigma: Remind yourself that bipolar disorder is an illness, not a character flaw, and not your fault. Learn about people with bipolar disorder you admire to remind yourself that you can still live a great life even with bipolar disorder.
6. Talk back to the self-hatred: I use self-talk for all sorts of things every day, and one of those things is talking back to self-hatred. After I recognize and acknowledge a self-hatred-driven thought, I reframe it with the facts of the situation. For example, “No one will ever love me” becomes, “I’m not in a relationship right now because I haven’t met the right person. That doesn’t mean that the right person doesn’t exist and that others like my friends don’t love me.”
7. Acknowledge your positive qualities and accept compliments: We all have negative and positive characteristics. For example, I’m not as productive as I would like to be, but I am a talented writer. I am the least athletic person on the planet, but I hep people where I can. Self-hatred starts to die when we recognize we all have this balance within us.
8. Forgive yourself for past mistakes (especially when they’re linked to bipolar disorder): We all make mistakes, none of us deserve to be hated for them. If you did buy that $10,000 handbag when manic and need to pay it off over years, acknowledge what happened, forgive yourself, work to mollify the ramifications, and make a plan for how to avoid similar things in the future. This type of active work makes self-forgiveness easier and defeats self-hatred.
9. Plan ahead for moments of self-hatred: Sometimes we feel great and sometimes we don’t. When we don’t, self-hatred may raise its ugly head. The best thing to do is to make a plan for how to deal with these moments when you’re feeling good. A professional can help you design this plan.

Beating Bipolar Disorder’s Self-Hatred for a Happier You

None of this is necessarily easy and it wont’ change your thinking overnight. That said, you can fight against self-hatred in bipolar disorder and win. And when you do, your life gets markedly better.

Frequently Asked Questions About Bipolar Disorder and Self-Hatred