Standing By Someone with a Mental Illness
One of the most popular things I’ve written here is a piece called, Saying Goodbye to Someone with a Mental Illness. I think this piece is very important as it highlights the fact that you can’t stand beside someone just because they have a mental illness. Sometimes it’s simply an unworkable situation and you have to take care of yourself by putting some distance between you and the person with the mental illness.
Leaving Someone with a Mental Illness
Unfortunately, some people took this as an indication that I believe that you should leave people with a mental illness.
Loving Someone with a Mental Illness
Nothing could be farther from the truth, of course. The vast majority of people with a mental illness are people just like everyone else and are completely reasonable with which to be in a relationship (of whatever type).
Of course, having a mental illness does, often, put a strain on any relationship, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t stand by the person with the mental illness – it doesn’t mean that you can’t love the person with the mental illness. Many people prove this every day with fulfilling and happy relationships.
So in this post, and in ones to come, I would like to emphasize that working with a mental illness in a relationship can be challenging but it is normally doable. People with mental illnesses can have normal relationships. People with mental illnesses can find love. There are people who will stand with those of us with mental illnesses.
Standing By Someone with a Mental Illness
Look, I’m not saying this stuff is easy, actually, I’m saying just the opposite, but I believe that we all have challenges, whether we have a mental illness or not, and those always come out in relationships. Maybe your mentally well partner is commitment phobic. Maybe your partner is selfish. Maybe your partner has anger issues. Maybe your partner is a workaholic. And so on, and so on, ad infinitum. Mentally well people aren’t a picnic just because they’re diagnosis-free. Most people end relationships for reasons outside of mental illness, after all.
So as much as it’s challenging to be in a relationship where a mental illness is present, it’s also challenging to stand beside someone who has excessive baggage, or family drama, or intimacy issues, or what-have-you. No one is perfect and no one is “easy.”
People with a Mental Illness are Worth It, Too
But just like a person with those other issues is worth standing beside, so are we. People with a mental illness may have been given a burden but sometimes those illnesses give us greater depth of feeling, compassion, creativity and other traits that are desirable and even magical. I’m not trying to blow sunshine, but I am saying there’s a give and take with everything.
Tips on Mental Illness and Relationships
In the future I’ll talk more about mental illness in relationships, but for now, check out the review I did on this book about Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder. It’s a great book and if you’re in a relationship with a person with bipolar disorder I highly recommend you give it a read. I honestly believe it could save your relationship, or at least thousands of dollars in therapy.
It is very true that the cycling gets worse over time especially if the person with bipolar does not acknowledge the issue and refuses medications counseling and any advice on mental illness. I’ve been in a 29 year marriage and when it’s good it’s beautiful and phenomenal. However, when it’s bad it is devastating and heartbreaking. I just keep asking myself why have stayed? I understand your exhaustion you get to a point when there’s no energy or desire to fight for the relationship. I have a business degree and have 7 years of management experience and I have gone from being salaried comanager to a part time sales associate fluctuating with his cycles and health issues. I keep adapting my life around his moods ,he likes me home more? He needs financial help? Back & forth. The other day he told me that I should be ashamed of myself because I’m not working full time with my degree??!! I stopped working full time to help him get healthy physically and he knew that. When the cycles go bad my resolve to stay weakens and after 29 years I think I’m done. I even transferred within my company to a location 3 hours away at my husband’s direction because we were moving to our second home and two weeks after I settled in and made the change to the other store my husband told me by phone that he wouldn’t move to where I was. My district manager finally asked my manager is there something wrong here.
It only works I think if they are on medication. If not it’s hopeless.
Interesting read and I think one that applies to all relationships – with or without the added complications of mental disorders.
I’m a big believer that (as a great man once said) “all you need is love” but I have to admit that my ex’s bipolar just wore me down emotionally. I didn’t realise at the time what was going on – I couldn’t see the big picture. Basically her continual depression and self-defeating doubts about our relationship at THE SLIGHTEST OF PERSONAL DIFFERENCES just kept eroding at me. I don’t hold it against her – her emotions are real. It’s just a terrible shame that she was unable to control her emotions or remember that I’m a positive influence in her life and not to target our relationship.
While I totally accept that there were things about our relationship that needed work and that I also needed to make some adjustments, the reality is: she is bipolar, she is unable to control her emotions, she is unhappy with her life (her lack of direction and achievements – often complaining that she feels numb to the world), she allowed this to impact on our relationship and ultimately she seems to have seen me as the cause of her unhappiness (even though it pre-existed my arrival into her life).
While I have things to work on myself, I’ve come to the clear realisation that all throughout our relationship she simply refused to take ownership and responsibility for addressing her issues. She would talk about things and acknowledge what she needed to do but very seldom did she follow through. And never without the issue arising a further 4 or 5 times. Ultimately, she saw the continual arguments as being my fault and reflective of the fact that we’re just not meant to be together, rather than realising that she needed to get angry at her lack of activity and FOCUS ON THAT. Instead, she accused me of being a bully and said she was sick of always pretending that I was right.
With what I’ve learned here (your blog), I’ve absolutely no doubt that I would have dealt with situations differently. Not because I would have treated her like a special case or a project but simply because I would not have misinterpreted her behaviour and I would have respected it as being depression and emotions outside of her control.
However, would I ever date a bipolar person again? I don’t know. Lots of online information suggests that the cycling typically gets worse over the years. And many friends have talked about their observations of close family members with bipolar and how harsh they were on their relationships. BUT … there ARE people who swear blind that bipolar partnerships CAN work with the right combination of medication, CBT, psychotherapy, couple’s counselling and lifestyle choices that remove stress (i.e. lots of exercise, managing conflict better, plenty of sleep, vitamins (especially E) and iron supplements). In fact I’ve been going to a bipolar support group run by a guy who was diagnosed at age 13 and has been happily married for 27 years.
Do I think I’m one of those ‘special people’ with enough love and patience to live with a bipolar person? Yes – undoubtedly, unreservedly and absolutely … as long as they are focused on living a healthy life and on getting well. But I’m also terrified of the thought of living with someone who does not appreciate what I offer and contribute to our relationship, or who is constantly bringing me down or being unreasonable.
So there’s still a lot of uncertainty. And that’s scary when you’re thinking about a 40+ year commitment – not just financial but emotional with your whole heart invested.
I now realise that my biggest issue with the breakup was simply that after 2 1/2 years of dealing with her negativity and dis-functionality I wasn’t just heartbroken – I was also completely exhausted – both physically and mentally. Neither my heart nor my mind could understand why it could not work. But as you say, the person with bipolar has to take responsibility for their condition and their actions and that wasn’t happening in this case. I still suspect that her medication (Citalopram 20mg) was just not lifting her spirits enough – hence she was always down and just had no energy. Plus when I met her she was gyming almost every day – that stopped within a couple of months of us starting to date.
Could I have done more to be patient and understanding (now that I know what I didn’t previously)? Sure.
Was I already doing more than enough for any healthy relationship? Absolutely.
Was she contributing fairly or making equal effort? In her own words, no.
I still believe that she has the potential to be a most wonderful person but I have accepted that I will not be part of her life. A sad realisation but the future can only be brighter and happier now and, as people keep telling me, I deserve someone who positively contributes to my life rather than just being a passenger in their / my life. And interestingly some of those people have been mutual girlfriends with a glint in their eye :) So rather than beating myself up about what I could have done differently / better I will simply get on with my life and hopefully one day meet someone who is ready and who possesses all of the independence, happiness and positive energy that I also have to offer and WHO APPRECIATES ME.
So I guess that what I have learned is that while the breakup is tough, it’s important to prioritise your own health and be fair on yourself. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be and that person you were in love with … she doesn’t exist any more. Maybe she never even did. Or maybe she just needs time to grow into that person. But either way, until she addresses her issues, it’s time to accept that she’s not healthy for you right now.
oops – this was meant to go under the “When You Leave Someone With A Mental Illness” section.
And women can resist anything, even trust fund babies who are good looking, but they choose not to.
Julie, you need to learn the definition of “predator.” It is an alien from another….okay, joking. But seriously, you do seem to enjoy being inaccurate and contradictory… and you imply that being an Adonis or trust fund kid alone makes someone worth screwing. If it really is the deeper stuff that matters, as you seem to imply, why is it okay for effe’d up guys like this to get sex from mentally ill women?you seem to imply that if a guy has these “qualities,” even you would go home with and screw him. You end up seeming really shallow while trying to be deep.
Nice blog post, but I think the white picket fence was just a wee bit too much is all. :)
I would love to have the chance to stick with my BP friend, but he pretty much abandoned me. Disappeared. I don’t know if he will ever reappear. Sticking with someone, it seems to me, is a lot easier than losing them altogether.
I recently came across a post you’ve done on “What does it mean to really support a bipolar person.” At least that is close as I can get from memory. I just wanted to comment, I thought the piece was well written and echoed my feelings exactly. I thought wow, someone gets it and now I can pass it along. Thank you for writing the piece. I am sure it made a difference in many lives. I know it did in mine.
As I read the first few pages of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder I was blown away. It described my relationship – well, more like my behavior in the relationship – with my ex-partner. Before reading that book, I thought I was a terrible person who deserved to lose my family.
After the break-up, it would be four more years before my bipolar diagnosis. She has long since moved on and dissolved our co-parenting agreement. I wish I’d had the correct diagnosis and that book then. It probably would have saved my family.
Hi there Natasha!
For references’ sake, my name is Asami. I’m 16 years old and living with my schizophrenic mother with my dad.
I thank you for writing those articles, they made me feel a lot better about myself, and the situation I am in. My mother has relapsed 3 times, is currently going through her 4th. Each relapse is 2 years apart. Each time she had to be forced to the hospital, and after she will say she’s accepted it. As the only child she’s also escaped the country from the medication with me, and pretty much is well…she relied on me.
Now during her 4th, she hates me, she’s bitten me, and now that I’m older she mistrusts me. I don’t know how to tell her she’s sick, and believe me I tried everything except the final cure (force)…but I’m so tired. I’ve gone through so much physical and emotional pain that it has affected my life, but I love my mother and I don’t want to leave her.
Is there any advice you could give a teenager on something like this? I would really appreciate it, I don’t want to lose my family (because that is where this relapse will end if I don’t do something)
Dear Asami,
I have just been reading this post and came across your comment and question. As a 16 year old you have been going through a lot of emotional pain and I am so sorry for your situation. I think it is important for you not to be in the position of feeling so responsible for your mother’s care. You say your father is also there–has he been able to help out and take some action? I agree with Natasha that forcing help, as difficult as that is for families, can sometimes be the only recourse to bring safety into a dangerous situation. Good luck and I hope you will keep reaching out for help for yourself. You deserve it!
Best wishes, Phyllis
Nice article. And some great stories by commenters – thanks for sharing. My husband and I are very much in love – I have bipolar and he has renal failure. Well meaning people ‘warned him off” me early in our engagement – people who didn’t know me, who were so quick to judge. We are very happy together. We are there for each other.
My family and his family are also there for us. We have some great friends too.
Before all this happened, I had a bunch of ‘best mates”. I held their hands through their crises and forgave them their weaknesses. The friendships were between ten and fifteen years. After six to twelve months of me getting bipolar symptoms, they were nowhere to be seen. Good riddance.
Hi, Natasha:
I am just married a 40 year old man 6 weeks ago. I have loved him for a couple years. I knew he was “special needs” and I was willing to take him on anyway. I cannot deny he truly loves me. Even when he’s broke trust with me, or he’s angry or talking “crazy” I know that he gets me and he is crazy about me. I am crazy about him. I think he’s magnificent. I know most people don’t know how great he is because they judge him by the surface “issues”, which are all they have the chance to see. After living with him, intimately, for off and on what totals about 18 months, I’m pretty sure he has bipolar. I’ve seen hypomania which, for him, is very irritable and angry. I’ve seen mixed states and depression. I’ve seen the grandiose, delusional thinking, as well as the hopelessness and self-hating behavior. His parents both had mental illness, undiagnosed and untreated. He had a hard childhood. Then he was a sniper/mercenary a few years for the military. Recently he lost a 10 year business of his own as a bailbondsman and bounty hunter. He has a high IQ, but he’s a terrible reader and has trouble remembering things. He talks fast and halting with lots of verbal “ticks”; little phrases, like “here’s the deal” or “the thing of it is”. We share values, faith, and like to do the same things for fun. We enjoy talking for hours and just being together. He is faithful sexually and he is good with my 12 year old daughter. It’s uncanny. He has a natural knack for dealing with her preteen mood/attitude troubles. I’ve taken Love&Logic parenting classes and couldn’t quite get the hang of it, but he is a natural with no training! He’s an answer to my prayers, in that area, since my relationship with my daughter was suffering and he has helped us both. Anyway, I want to stand by him and build a life with him. I’m definitely going to read the books you recommend. My husband is open to counseling and therapy, especially couples therapy, and we’ve been to 10 or so sessions with a counselor. She can tell he has a problems with relationships, but he copes well in front of her, since he’s so smart, you know? I have asked him to try some medication but he refuses. Indeed, he would probably lose his best job opportunity that he’s working on right now, if he had to admit having a mental illness or taking mood-altering drugs. We can’t afford him losing the opportunity to work. He’s been chronically unemployed/under-employed since he lost his business a couple years ago. What do you think of the herbal remedy, Passionflower? He has some serious health issues cropping up, at his age and with all the abuse he’s done to his body. He’s never done drugs, but he has drank too much at times, and he was very obese for the better part of the last 15 years. He has diabetes 2, a damaged liver, and a history of pancreatitis. Also, he has a very nervous and delicate stomach. Passionflower seems to be the only herbal remedy he can take without risking complicating his other health problems. Do you know anything good about Passionflower? or do you have any suggestions for us? Thanks for your blogsite. It is really helpful and encouraging. —Yvonne
Hi Yvonne,
It’s great that you’re dedicated to standing beside someone – whatever the issues may be. I wish you a long and happy relationship.
As for the passionflower – I recommend you read and print this out, and then take it to your doctor: http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/passionflower-000267.htm
You should never take any medicine – including an herb, without seeing a doctor as you don’t know what it might do or interact with. I don’t see any indication this herb would be used for bipolar though. Your husband really needs a psychiatrist and a formal diagnosis to get any kind of treatment – complimentary or otherwise.
Also, there is a book on PTSD you might want to look at – it’s specifically for veterans: http://www.mybacktothewall.com/index.html
I’ve been professionally involved with the book, but I can honestly say, it’s well worth the read for anyone coming out the military with any issues at all. You’d be surprised what military people identify with, even if they don’t have formal PTSD.
Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you so very much for this article. Even if we know something sometimes it is nice to read it just the same. I have a friend to whom I am best friends with someone but I believe there is a psychological dependence developing. That too can be an issue that can strain a relationship or friendship.
Hi Debra,
I agree, it’s nice to have reinforcement on positive subjects even when we already know them to be true. It’s like when someone calls you beautiful – of course you are, but it’s always a gift to hear it nonetheless.
I’m happy to reinforce that positivity for you.
– Natasha Tracy
I can relate to this on a different level. I said good-bye to my twin brother, Paul, twice. The first time I said good-bye to him was to live my own life. Paul had been diagnosed with schizophrenia in our junior year of high school. He was committed as a ward of the state of New York a little over a year later, just as I was supposed to start my college life. I hadn’t even applied to colleges during my senior year of high school. Paul had been a patient in a private psychiatric hospital during the remainder of our junior year, throughout the summer and well into our senior year before the Vice Principle called me into his office and asked me why I hadn’t applied anywhere. My parents were oblivious to the fact that I was struggling- not like I told them or anything…
Anyway, I broke down in his office, and said I had no idea what I was going to do, and so he made me fill out the forms for the State University of New York schools, at least. I got into all of the schools I applied to, but then never did anything about it – again, my parents were oblivious to my struggles and I was not sharing. They had enough on their plate with Paul – wondering how they were going to pay for his care, now that the insurance was running out. The answer was to commit him.
When the whole “Ilene never did anything about college” fiasco hit the fan with my parents, one of my older sisters offered to let me come live with her in Illinois where she was going to graduate school. I could attend community college there and figure out what I want to do with my life away from all of the chaos at home. My father was an alcoholic, which made living at home with everything going on with Paul even more complicated, as you can imagine. So, I took Mary up on her suggestion and moved 900 miles away from my twin brother, just when he began his new “life” in a state run psychiatric hospital. I am in tears, still feeling incredible guilt about it, and for living my own life when Paul was in that horrible place, and where he stayed for 20 years.
30 years after moving away from Paul, I moved back to New York. My kids were just out of high school and my husband agreed to uproot his business so I could be near Paul again. My older siblings had taken over for my mother in Paul’s care after she died, but I wanted to be a part of it too. By then, Paul was living in an adult home, and after I moved back I was able to take him out to the movies, to the diner, and to go bowling. It was a great feeling to have a more normal relationship with him. It turns out I moved back just in time. Six months later, Paul was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was able to be with him and care for him, and we – all of his siblings and I – became close to Paul again in a way that transcended his mental illness. I said good-bye to him for the second time on May 1, 2008 when he lost his battle with cancer. I still have survivor guilt, still feel bad about “abandoning” Paul 35 years ago to find myself, but I am so very thankful that I had the time I had with him in the end.
Paul spent 32 years in an almost constant state of delusion. He could hardly string two sentences together. This never changed for 32 years. He said “yeah” a lot in conversations. When he tried to say something with any depth beyond talking about the weather, the bowling score, or what to order at the diner, it usually involved rubbing his forehead and then blurting out something bizarre or just laughing and staring at us. His delusions always seemed to stem from a fragment of truth like his being “scalped by Indians” – he had cut himself shaving his head when he was in a psychotic state…but they never went away – not for one day.
We found out years after the fact that Paul had taken PCP and LSD at the same time – just a week before his first hospitalization – which lasted 22 years. All of the doctors say that his schizophrenia was probably already there, just triggered and made worse by the drugs – who knows, really. I have siblings with depression, and bipolar disorder, so I can see it being combination of factors. The cause doesn’t matter, though. Paul was severely, and permanently disabled. He had serious cognitive functiong loss – and did need some form of institutionalization. I have come to see that.
However, the state hospitals are on their way out – some say good riddance – but there doesn’t seem to be good alternatives in the community either. After his release from the state hospital, Paul cycled in and out of the ER, had a major relapse, and then was pretty much dumped into the adult home I mentioned. This was after a 2-yr stint back in the state hospital. That is when I came back to NY – I was in the process of looking for a different place for Paul to live, and was looking into getting Guardianship, when his lungs got so bad he was admitted to a nursing home. It was there where Paul was actually treated as a whole person for seemingly the first time. He was and COPD patient, who happened to also have schizophrenia. He made friends and the head nurse nicked named him “The Governor”…he also seemed to be in the best mental state ever – perhaps because of the close care he received – this was even before the cancer was diagnosed. He was still delusional, still said bizarre things about stuff that never happened, but he was happier – even with the fact that everyone there had at least 30 years on him. I was glad he was there when he was diagnosed with cancer. He died peacefully.
And now I am a twin-less twin. I said good-bye, but Paul is not forgotten. Not by a long shot.
It can be tougher living with someone else’s–a close relative’s–mental illness, in some ways, than living with your own. If a relative has one of the biggies, like schizophrenia or bipolar, then the issue is even if you can get them into treatment, what symptoms are still there. If your relative has one of the “lesser” illnesses on the spectrum of schizophrenia or bipolar, then you have to deal with the possibility that they may have a very screwed up life and be adamantly certain they don’t need treatment.
My sister, “Joy,” has all the symptoms that go with Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, Joy may well have something else. Joy has been to the doctor and had some strictly medical issues addressed to the best degree they can be. Joy’s leftover issues–maybe I’m wrong about what Joy has, but Joy melts down and screams obscenities at people in rages as one of her more vivid behaviors (in amongst a bunch of others that make me think BPD). I really don’t have any interest in being “right” about the specific diagnosis. I just wish Joy would go for treatment and get some *effective* help managing her behaviors that are doing damage to others. It would also be very, very nice if Joy were suffering less, herself–I love her and I hate to see her hurting.
But for me, part of having bipolar disorder goes hand in hand with coming from a family riddled with bipolar genes and eccentricities and issues. Some family members are “identified patients.” Some family members are not.
Most of the people I know who are best at being in relationships with bipolar people are eccentric themselves, and they’re a bit eccentric because they come from families that have experience having a family member with a major mental illness.
We tend to be more flexible, more tolerant, and more inclined to stick together. Not everybody, and not always. But particularly those of us who are the most stable, who have done well in treatment, who adapted well to relationships with our mentally ill family members.
I am more trusting of my friends who I know either have bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, or who have another close friend or family member or partner who has it.
I tend to not let people without that experience get too close to me. My daily reality is that my meds are very good, and I am stable on them. But stable on meds is not the same as not having bipolar disorder. Being stable on meds means it takes an unusually large or significant stressor, or the absence of my meds for a certain length of time, or missed meds plus stress in a big enough combination, to trigger a ravingly symptomatic display of some kind of bipolar behavior.
Someone who has family who is bipolar can see symptomatic behavior, can hear from you what went wrong or is going wrong, and can react proportionately to the situation. Afterwards, they treat you the same as they did before, because they already knew you had bipolar. I mean, presuming you didn’t do something incredibly irresponsible to become symptomatic.
Someone who has just read about bipolar in a book, or heard it described, or knows about it from TV or someone telling them about it—once they see you in a full bipolar rage, or a suicidal meltdown, or acting out hypersexually, or very manic, or psychotic from mania—they will never forget it, they never treat you the same way again, and I’ve never had one of those where I didn’t always feel after like the person was a little wary of me and a bit blaming of me—as if it was “bad behavior” and the bipolar was “an excuse” to “get away with it.”
I tend to feel like people who haven’t seen suicidal rages and meltdowns and manic delusions and such firsthand are great big risks that usually don’t pan out.
I actually felt sorry for Dina Lohan on Dr. Phil. She was clearly behaving bizarrely. Her ex said she was drunk. She said she was sober. The family is riddled with mental illness, iirc. I’m not saying I like her–I don’t even know her. But looking at her, she may have been drunk. Or she may have just failed to pull her personal shambles together enough to “pass” for sane that day. On national TV. How horrible. Her daughter is a grown woman. Dina Lohan doesn’t actually *do* anything–except get ridiculed for being a mess.
Until we start standing up to Hollywood making a circus out of people like her and call it what it is–Hollywood’s version of an Amos and Andy show of US–the stigma goes on.
Didn’t mean to go off on that tangent.
But the stigma is part and parcel of why “friends” with no bipolar relatives see a meds failure, see a meltdown, and think, “Oh, you’re ‘using your bipolar as an excuse’ for bad behavior.” Yeah, that’s if they *ever* see so much as a whiff of a symptom.
It’s hard to get people who aren’t from bipolar or schizophrenic families to stand by you.
Hi Ilene,
I don’t know what it’s like to have a twin, but I hear the bond is very close. I can only imagine how hard it is to see someone so close to you go through such difficulties.
I think you handled a very hard situation in the best way you could. I think you made your own life when you had to, which is something I believe we all want for each other. I don’t want someone tied to me and unable to do what they want to do in life, and I think most people feel that way. And, of course, better yet, in your case, you were able to reconnect in a way that made sense for you too.
I think none of us forget the people that we’re close to, even if we can’t physically be close to them. But then, you said that :)
– Natasha Tracy
I’m not necessarily saying guys go out and intentionally stalk us. But I have heard locker room talk of the “bang her at her place and don’t give her your real name or number” variety. Talk that put me very on my guard and in a, “Yeah, well. Guys like you can’t have any,” mood.
Hi JulieC,
Thanks for your comments, and personally, I don’t think it’s TMI, I think it’s just honesty and openness. It’s the sort of thing we thrive on around here. :)
Question: How old are the boys (ahem, men) you’re speaking of? They sound like they’re about 17.
– Natasha Tracy
Grown human males. Not hardly “men,” are they? I’m not sure what kind of success any of them have actually going home with women–not unless they’re an Adonis with a trust fund from Daddy.
I have bipolar disorder. I’m open about it partly to fight stigma and partly because I’m lousy at dissembling and being public means I don’t have to keep track of who I’ve told what. I also have a bachelors in psychology. They were trying to train researchers, not clinicians, so I didn’t learn a lot about mental illnesses in my college coursework, but I did learn how to read and evaluate studies. I learned how to learn.
My family’s riddled with bipolar-spectrum issues. The more family members have been put on medication, the lower drama family gatherings have gotten. I’ve survived a couple of marriages to a couple of rather narcissistic guys. I’ve parented a child who was early onset, like me.
My personal experience has been that usually the men who make the loudest noises about wanting to avoid relationships with bipolar women are men who have some very glaring deviations from average, happy, functional mental health, themselves. But they’ve never been to see a mental health professional, and probably never will go to see a mental health professional, and are very, very proud of their status as “sane.”
As someone going back into the dating world looking for relationships, I want to keep myself safe. Some of these men are not above hiding their animosity to purposely seek out sex with bipolar women–they want the hypersexuality of an unstable bipolar woman. Briefly. Yeah. Real nice guys. Yes, I have heard men openly admit this. Unfortunately, predators do target us.
So I’ve developed this axiom: Just because someone doesn’t have a diagnosis doesn’t mean he or she isn’t *diagnosable*.
(I don’t say that to activate people’s paranoia. There aren’t that many of these folks out there, and a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, anyway.)
One of my other rules: The tough thing about going crazy and getting stable on meds is you begin to realize how crazy the “sane” people are.
Truly, being stable on meds and going through good therapy means that after awhile, chances are you’re more functional than the people you’re dating who don’t have a mental illness. I find that frequently I am. There are so many things where I cut myself no slack–like outbursts of anger or crying in public. People who don’t have a mental illness *sometimes* do those things.
A lot of those things that I look at and say, “Oh my goodness, I can’t ever allow that, that’s a *symptom”–if that’s showing up something is wrong and I need to take care of it.” A lot of those things are things people without a mental illness *sometimes* do, but don’t do overwhelmingly frequently. What it comes down to is most of us who are “stable on meds” focus so carefully on symptom control that we actually “melt down” in public a whole lot less often than any average, normal person without a mental illness would. Things that would make a person with no illness melt down and lose it, we hold it together through the crisis and *then* process it somehow.
A lot of times we *really* overestimate how “sane” the “normal” people are. Frequently the biggest challenge a stable, high-function bipolar has in a relationship is realizing that their partner who isn’t mentally ill is *not* superhuman and can’t do all the things we imagine we could do if only we weren’t ill. Frequently, the bipolar partner is the stronger, saner partner–while the meds are working and while the bipolar partner is stable.
The big challenge is ensuring that both partners have it processed how things are going to go when that flip-flops and the bipolar partner is symptomatic and what coping strategies kick in. The partner without a mental illness has to understand that the bipolar partner is only “fine” while the shiny chemical wheelchair is present and is working right. Take away the shiny chemical wheelchair, or if the shiny chemical wheelchair quits managing the symptoms so well, and the bipolar person is back to having some serious disability difficulties.
And, of course, there are always whatever medication side effects are going on, or whatever disease symptoms the medications don’t relieve. Personally, I find the executive function symptoms a bitch and a half, and, well, many of us know about increased impulse control stopping hypersexual *behavior* not being quite the same thing as affecting drive. Ahem. Sorry about the TMI, but it’s one of those little awkwardnesses the meds just don’t necessarily mitigate. And I’m sure everybody has their own pet symptoms the meds don’t help them with.