Today’s guest post on the Bipolar Burble blog is by Marion Gibson, author of “Unfaithful Mind “– a tale of what it’s like to love someone who has a paranoid disorder. To win a FREE copy of her book, leave a comment here.
I am married to a man with a mental illness. High school sweethearts, we travelled the world and grew a family. We were just like any other couple. And then two years ago my husband woke up and believed I wanted him dead.
He thought I had no use for him anymore and I was going to poison him. He stopped eating food in the house and started drinking only store-bought water from our emergency supply. He wrote a note and hid it in his chair explaining that I had poisoned him. He also believed I had been unfaithful in our marriage right from the beginning. He thought I had a way about me that I could convince men to sleep with me whenever and wherever I wanted. He wanted paternity tests on all three of our children.
Delusional and Paranoid
One time we were at the grocery store and when I left the check-out to go back and pick-up a forgotten item, he later accused me of having a quickie in the bathroom with an employee. He lost every ounce of trust that we had between us for over 25 years. He said the most terrible things to me, called me names and said he wanted to divorce me.
The man I loved since I was 16 years old did not know if I had ever loved him. He tried to record my conversations while he was out of the house with his cell phone and disassembled light fixtures believing our home was bugged. This man was paranoid and terrified. He experienced hallucinations and couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.
Paranoid in the Hospital
He knew something was wrong and did not want me to go to the hospital with him and felt it was something he must do on his own. He was afraid of me and leery of the doctors. While in the hospital, he was so delusional and paranoid that he believed someone was going to blow his head off. When that didn’t happen, he thought a laser beam was boring into his brain and he was going to be used for science. Next he was going to be murdered by my conspirators and mafia relations. When he found himself still alive after three days he begged me to take him back home. We were not equipped nor had the experience to deal with a mental illness and had no idea at the time what the diagnosis would eventually be. This sent us on a flurry of doctor’s appointments, medical tests and trial by error antipsychotic medications.
Mental Illness is a Never-ending Journey
When people ask me how we managed to get through it, I am never sure how to answer. Living with a spouse with a mental illness containing delusional paranoia is a journey that has to be lived and not something you get through and then it is over. It is never-ending. Mental illness is not like joint replacement surgery where something is broken, gets replaced and life continues. Living with a spouse with a mental illness means life as you once knew it has changed and the rules are now different. For now the antipsychotic medication is working and the monster that lives in my husband’s brain has quietened but I secretly fear the medicine will stop working and the paranoid thoughts will return.
Love Trumps Paranoia
Every day I try not to think about the terrible things that happened and choose to accept a new life, a new marriage and a different way to do things. Writing has definitely allowed me an outlet to sort out my feelings and express my concerns. Loving someone who comes down with a paranoid mental illness is perhaps a deal breaker for some and not so much for others. Either way, it is not something you sign-up for when you say “I do.” The love we share runs deeper and our bond is stronger than anything else I can think of. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my husband. I know that now.
Marion Gibson graduated from the University of Toronto with a degree in Environmental Studies. She is inspired to write for families who have a loved one with a mental illness. When not writing, Marion enjoys gardening, cooking and spending time with her family in Victoria, BC. “Unfaithful Mind” is her first book.
Thanks for the post . I am very well educated. I will now know how to cope with her. i noticed the system about three years ago and it has been tough to say the least.
My partner did this (& worse) he’d beat me to make me do what he wanted & stop my car from working (making life with my children impossible and dangerous to live)
I may love him but ultimately the decision was my life with my children or him. It’s all very well to say ‘it’s a mental illness’ but when I’d have to ignore my children to keep him calm & stop them being scared… A choice had to be made. I’m sure it’s not over yet but a little distance has my children feeling safer and able to return to a more normal life. As for him & I (what we went through can not be understood) – I’m sure I could have continued to do it for life ‘as this lady has’ but I couldn’t handle the abuse that came with the mental illness ~ my own bi polar & anxiety (& my children’s depression, anxiety, autism ect) is one thing- running for our lives on top of that(?) we couldn’t do it anymore… I wish her a safe journey; I know it’s a hard one.
My wife has Bipolar with psychosis. She has a drawer full of meds but the paranoia is still there. It was much worse, but the accusations still hurt terribly. My daughters suffer the occasional accusation but in the main it is me. She doesn’t believe it’s paranoia, and refuses to take additional meds. Nightmare.
Thanks for sharing.
Robert
Since age four I have questioned everything and everyone. I later learned why. While curiosity made me a good science person, it has been to much to bear for most. My bishop said I was trying to dissect god. Nothing escapes diagnosis or theory. Thus I make life fun, at least for me and encourage others with similar distractions to do the same. The person inside us does not have to be our social self, That person can be anyone you fabricate, Eventually an alternate persona will develop that is acceptable to most people. Hopefully the surrogate self remains safe and endearing to all who matter. Not as talented as Robin Williams, or as smart as Abraham Lincoln I write away the unwanted pieces of self. Pshaw!
If anyone is judging you for making sure that you are safe and secure, then they need to be evaluated. Some of us have little choice as to whether to deal with a family member with a mental illness. However, there comes a point in time when, if that person is not willing to do most of the work, then saying ‘Goodbye’ is appropriate. It does not necessarily mean goodbye forever…just goodbye until.. I do feel your pain. Not only do I struggle with family members, but I actually work in the mental health field, AND I have a diagnosis of GAD and depressive disorder myself. I need to work on me, just like everybody else does. You don’t get a “pass” because you have a mental illness any more than someone gets a “pass” for having diabetes. One thing I would like to address is the ever-shortening divide between mental health issues and addiction. These are both very serious issues, but they ARE NOT THE SAME!!! Our political leaders want to make us believe that mental illness and addiction are one in the same, as it would be fiscally easier to deal with. The truth is that, although about 50% of people with a diagnosable mental illness also have an addiction issue, and approximately 50% of those with a diagnosable addiction have a mental health issue…the two things are NOT THE SAME, and comorbidity is not much greater than it is with the rest of the population with a physical condition. They need to be treated as separate issues. Often the person with co-occurring disorders needs an integrated approach, meaning that addiction and mental health treatment need to be considered concurrently, but…you cannot treat both issues in the same manner. If a loved one has…say…schizophrenia, and concurrent use of alcohol and benzodiazepines…if they can obtain and continue sobriety, then their schizophrenia would be more treatable, and MUCH easier for loved ones to deal with. My anxiety disorder is much easier – not only for myself- but for my loved ones – to deal with when I am sober. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not easy…for anyone involved in the process. There are many times when I feel as though I just want to buy a 5 gallon jug of vodka and go hide in the woods for a week or two. The thing that stops me most of the time is my love for my wife and family, understanding how that would effect them, and having the foresight to know that this would set m e back in my treatment and my life. Sometimes, however, you do need to say, “goodbye,” to the person who id ill, as you cannot help someone else when you, yourself, are suffering along with them.
Hope this helped.
My paranoid ex left me a few days ago – still miss him terribly. He’s left me so many times, and I’ve coaxed him back, but he always goes again. He is paranoid about me being unfaithful (which I never would have been) but mainly he gets in bad tempers, is snappy and critical or ignores me when I’m speaking. He can be horrible, and blames me when I object, then the row is “my fault” and he leaves and the II do the making up. But lately he’s been talking about being violent to the people who are “conspiring against” him. I don’t know if he will be. He got angry with me and stormed out, said it was over. This is a good place to part, I think. I would have liked it if (a) he had some insight into his paranoia and willingness to address it and (b) he had some commitment to me. I cannot make either of those things happen. I alternate between yearning desperately for his company, rage at him (he was very rude when I last saw him) and dawning realisation that we’re better apart.
I felt compelled to write a comment on this article. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for several years. My life is truly a rollercoaster as I’m sure all other sufferers and their partners understand. I wanted to comment, if only to publicly thank my Husband, Terry, who, when we met, was completely ignorant regarding bipolar disorder, however he educated himself and has continued to do so throughout the immensely happy, but also turbulent years we have been together. We have 4 beautiful children, whom I love dearly, and would not have such a settled and happy family and life without the on-going, patient, support of my husband. Even if sometimes I treat him like the “enemy”, he stands by me and always does what he knows is in mine and our best interest. So thank you to my husband Terry and thank you to all the other supportive partners out there for putting up with the rollercoaster :) x
This was such a wonderful read. As a newly diagnosed Bipolar patient in my reaching 30, the thought of having a family because even to find someone who would not only love me but love me enough to cope with what I go through seems too selfish off me to even think off and too far-fetched to even dream. From a very young age i took care of my mum who had stage 4 ovarian cancer that had spread almost everywhere and i never complained about having to grow up and take care of her and treasure every moment i was lucky to have with her (she was told she had 6 months to live but she lived for another 21 years!) but i know the difficulties one faces as a care-taker for someone you love. I want to believe. My doctor friend says I can still have that dream I had as a teen but I feel like being like this has killed that dream. The dream of being someone’s wife, of being a mother, of growing old with the person I love. It’s hard for me to believe again. So thank you for writing this article. I will keep re-reading it when the dark thoughts start creeping in. Thank you!
I dealt with this when my dad got schizophrenia. He thought people were breaking into our house and stealing things like pencils , things that didn’t even make sence to us. Nothing we said would change his mind. My mom went thru many different docs trying to find out what was wrong with him. He was on meds but got heart disease and eventually passed away at age 54. My mom became ill with cancer before he passed away and so living with two ill parents was definately a struggle. My mom passed away at age 49 of cancer so we had to take care of him after she died. It was very hard on me and my sister taking care of our parents. It was a month before I turned 16 when my mom died Nov 1, 1989 so the first christmas without both of them was very hard.
I found out later that my mom lived with depression a lot and was almost committed once. I did not know this until years later when my sister told me. I was diagnosed with depression as an adult so I really worry that I will end up like my parents. I vow now to educate myself about mental illness so my son if he ever needs help has someone to go to, unlike my parents and I who struggled alone.
He is autistic and gets bullied a lot so I really worry about him. I hope one day that they will find a cure for mental illness so victims and their families don’t have to go through years of suffering.
I apologize for the long post. Please continue to educate people about the struggles and experiences of mental illness so others will maybe benefit.
April
That is a very inspirational story! I lived with a man who was paranoid and I could not take it or have him around my son any longer. It was just too much. The delusions and hallucinations were too much for me to handle.
Wow. I can sure relate to this story. Thanks for sharing.
This is a very touchy encounter and I’m glad you’re seeing an outlet to balance some absurdities and difficulties in trying to master and put this situation in check. I do intend to know the end of this and hope to use your life history as a testimony to those in your shoes.
Thank you and success to how you tackle and arrest this Challenge you’re faced in.
Someone I dearly love has a mental illness. They deny that mental illness even exists. When I try to relate to them my own struggles with mental illness, they tell me that the medication I’m taking is skewing my perspective, and that all you really need to get well is some sunshine and exercise.
They seem to have an episode every two years or so of what I think is mania. It explodes into bizarre quests and impossible goals, constant criticism of anyone who doesn’t agree with and encourage them in all their causes and ideas. After a while the criticism gets cruel, unprovoked. Then come the accusations. Right now, they believe I have vandalized their home, broken into their house and stolen things, poisoned their pets to death…
I love them so much, and I just want to help. I think in part because I deal with mental wellness myself, I just don’t know how to get through to them. I don’t want to change them, just be there. Show them I love them. But I can’t right now and it’s breaking me down. It’s as if they’re dying right in front of me and I can’t help. That they’re fading away and they don’t want my help to try and come back.
I won’t ever stop loving, or waiting. I just wish they knew that.
This is a battle for them to fight on their own. All you have to do is to be there. They need your love and they will know, deep down, that you do love them. Sounds like what they are dealing with is acceptance of mental illness. That includes acceptance of their own, and others’ mental illnesses.
This is a topic I have always wondered about. How does my husband- who I have now been with 19 years- deal with my Bipolar 1 Disorder and my fits of psychosis? What is he thinking? I’ve said it before, and will say it again: I could not live with me.
And that makes me sad.
Said story and I know I could of prevented this!!
Just trust me…
Been through it all at one point in my life.