I want to be dead. I live with wanting to be dead every day. It’s this thought that constantly plagues my mind: “I want to be dead.” I want to not be here. I want to go home. I want anything that will end the suffering. Living with wanting to be dead is, well, a bitch.
Wanting to Be Dead and Suicide
This is not to say that I’m suicidal. Suicide is a different thing entirely than wanting to be dead. I’m not about to take my life, you can rest easy on that one. Wanting to be dead is terribly passive. Being suicidal is frightful active.
Why Do I Want to Be Dead?
Uncontrolled bipolar disorder would make most people want to be dead, I think. Uncontrolled many mental illnesses would do it. Uncontrolled other types of illnesses would do it, too. I truly am in pain every single day. Just this morning I watched a television show and started bawling my eyes out and experienced extreme sadness. Not because of anything tragic on the screen but simply because my brain manipulated the moving pictures to make me upset. About basically nothing.
I have suffered from anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure, for years. Years. Years of an inability to feel pleasure. I have not felt pleasure or happiness since 2010. I remember that time vividly. The medications were working. It was amazing. And then they just stopped. They just unfairly, and far too quickly, stopped working. Medications stop working at some point for most people but usually they get years of success out of them first. I was not so lucky. I got a few months. A few short months when I genuinely felt something other than pain.
Please understand, I continue to try bipolar treatments and some times are worse than other times but the wanting to be dead? That basically never leaves me.
How to Live with Wanting to Be Dead
Thinking that I want to be dead all the time is a huge burden. I don’t want to think that way. I don’t. But my brain does. It thinks that way. All the time.
And yet I live.
I continue to live.
Even through the suffering and the taunting of my brain wanting death, I keep breathing. Part of me hates this reality. Part of me is disappointed when I wake up because I have to face another day I don’t want. Part of me wants to end this, badly.
But there are other parts to me, too. There are parts that know that life is beautiful, worth it and can turn around. There are parts of me that know that there are new treatments out there and I can try them at some point. There are parts of me that know that if I never got to experience my cats purring on my chest again, I would miss out on a lot. Too much.
You see, my mind knows that living is worth it. It hears the messages from my sick, bipolar brain telling me that I want to die but it knows better. My mind is wiser. It can see beyond the pain and suffering.
So living with wanting to die is about talking back to my brain. It’s about fighting. It’s about fighting to not let the illness win. Because while wanting to die may be passive, it can easily turn into active suicidality if I let it. But I will try my damnedest not to.
I really can’t stop feeling like I want to die. I can’t stop feeling like I don’t want to be here. But what I can do is fight those false thoughts. I can use hope and treatment to do that. And, so far, I’m winning. And that’s something. Something to live for.
Banner image by Flickr user Willi Heidelbach.
Image by Flickr user Geoff Livingston.
Alan Alda’s character Hawkeye said it best in an episode of M.A.S.H about death. He said “DON’T LET THE BASTARD WIN”
not sure if im on the right track? AS soon as i open my eyes in the morning im instantly filled with dread and sadness that im now back in the real world, just to go through another day of the same feeling that i dont want to be here nor do i want to see anybody. i dont anser my phone or open the door if anyone knocks on, its as if i just want to be by myself or run away to somewhere, anywhere i can be alone as i just feel embarrassed and ashamed that ive failed in life. ive had plenty of well paid jobs and could quite easily do that again, but for some reason its always easier to just not bother. its put me in poverty and i can honestly say i spend half of every month in the dark with no electric/gas or food in my house, why i choose to live like this i just carnt explain but this is how ive lived my life for the past couple of years???. even when i go out, its like ive got to get away from my house quick without anyone seeing me so i dont have to stop and have a conversation. ive thought alot about suicide, how/ where etc but i simply dont think that is for me as of yet anyway??? i know how to make a noose to hang myself for some reason and again i dont know why i know how to do that but i bet i could make one blindfolded which does feel compleatly stupid and that i feel i would be ready when the time comes. if i knew i could go somewhere where no one would find me.. then who knows???. my doctor has given me anti depressants to help with my feeling and to help get to sleep at night, but that is it i get a call once a month to check up to see how things are, and its always the same.. my ex seems to think i have a problem with my childhood and my mother especially as i dont know her, she could walk past me in the street and i wouldnt know. my farther was a drunk and a complete waste of space, i dont talk to him and dont intend on either. i feel sorry for my children who have got me as there dad as ive failed in life and hope that they can do better but with the way i am, i had to leave as i just used to go off my head for the simplest of things?? again no idea why i would do that but thats why i left. i spend most of my time lying on the floor in my duvet trying to sleep the days away because when your asleep you dont have all the mental tourture going on??. does everyone feel like this and am i just not dealing with it properly. i know life is what you make it but it seems i spent my whole adult life paying debts, having bailiffs taking my stuff always leaving me with nothing. its not like i had any credit at all, my whole adult life, ive never had a credit card or car finance or any credit full stop, its always been debt built up from housing or the council chashing me for council tax. this little rant is just my way to see if all my choices in life have got me here today feeling the way i do but whatever the reason is for feeling like this, i just wish people would understand. in life and society we are all to be strong and not weak, but i feel so weak and worthless . who knows where life will take us .
I want to be dead. The beauty i used to see in Nature is flat. I don’t want to look at it, I want to BE it. I want to be fertilizer. My daughter is dead, my teaching job is gone, I don’t want to do anything i used to love to do. I don’t even go see my horse. I have become super fat, super lazy, my house is disgusting but cleaning it is overwhelming. Damn meds keep me alive, that and guilt as my parents are ill and exiting would probably kill them. I feel trapped.
Me too. Everyday I read about people killed in accidents like a lottery opportunity I missed… if only I knew the time and place ahead of time, I’d be there too.
Reading this has given me some perspective on myself.
I don’t have bipolar, however I’ve constantly been wanting to be dead for most of my life. I can remember crying as child wondering why it is I just don’t fit in? My only happiness is from my animals all throughout my life, not even my own child has shown me the love and loyalty as they do.
My professions allow me to save the lives of both human and animal and when I witness the loss of human, I wish it was me and question to anyone (in my mind) why them and not me.
I’d never commit suicide because I know what the results show for those who may be around (if any care$
I wish, hope and pray for death.
I too am here for my pets, they show me such love and depend on me for the same
I am living the life of a ghost… I get it.. No one gets you.. No one understands.. At the end of the day who really gives a fuck… I died 8 years ago in an accident and was brought back by a “miracle” i was at peace.. My life has been hell since…
I know exactly what your going through, every day I feel this desire to just be dead. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. But, I want everyone to forget about me as soon as it happens. I just wish I could fall into oblivion every day. I have amazing friends who are so kind to me and a loving family who takes care of me which makes me so confused as to why I feel this way.
I’m 72 and I can tell you…it doesn’t get better. Yes, life is filled with beauty and wonder and light..but we are walled off from it. Every single choice we make will always be the wrong choice…because our choices become a part of us…and we are wrong.
Every day that I live is another day of failure. I am guilty of stealing the air I breathe and the ground I stand on. My existence is a sin. But here’s the thing..we do get to die. It’s just a matter of waiting. So just try to stop using more resources than you need..stop trying to make poetry out of your ruined life. No matter what people tell you..you don’t matter. No one does.
Hi Alia,
I can see you hold some very strong beliefs. That must be very hard. While I have no doubt, you mean what you say, I’m here to say that you’re not always right. I can’t say what will happen to any individual but I know that life changes and I know that we evolve. I know that our situations change. I know that our brains change. I know that nothing lasts forever.
I also know we are not wrong. We may feel wrong sometimes, that doesn’t mean that we _are_ wrong.
And we do matter. You matter. I know that to be true. Maybe you can’t see it right now, and that’s okay. That doesn’t make it untrue.
I hope you learn to see things a little differently. It is never too later to do that.
– Natasha Tracy
All I am is a butler I’m worth more dead than alive I just don’t want to do this anymore I wish I could die and feel peace
Hi David,
I’m so sorry you’re in that place. I know that place. It’s awful.
I have written about why we should go on. There are reasons, I promise: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/
Please reach out and get help. Life doesn’t have to be so hard. https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
– Natasha Tracy
I can’t stay focused. Can’t hold a job. Just left a a well paying job after 8 days.
Not happy with anything. Wish I was dead. Friends have used me and humilitated me.
Can’t get life insure. Dumb doctor didn’t have a clue bipolar is treatable.
Graduated from college. It was a struggle.
My parents could have cared less. Mother screams and hollers inpatient me all the time. I can’t stand her.
I am so tired of trying, work ethic is gone. Lack motivation to do anything.
Can’t make a decision. Just wanted to stay to myself. I think the only person that listens is my dog.
Can’t sleep. Life’s a bitch.
Oh my god never believed there was other people who felt like me i fight everyday to stay a live
Hi Beth,
I feel the same way, I just exist and don’t want too..
Kevin
I can’t find the right path. I’ve been through alot and haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol. I keep going through job after job…people just dont like me. I want to be dead every other day. I’ve no resources or money. I’m all out of gumption….mid fifties and I’ve nothing. I live in an alley in a garden shed. I can’t afford dental work. It gets worse each day.
Beth, have you ever applied for disability? If not, it might be time to consider it. Do you see any doctors or take any psych meds? and have any of your doctors ever suggested disability to you yet?
Huh, interesting. I always feels like a faker when I am able to rationalise what my brain is up to. Like – if I have this understanding then I’m wrong to think I have a diagnosable / acceptable problem, I must just be narcissistic or something.
I,push people away when I know it’s coming. I’m like a meteorologist and I’m watching the clouds gather. I have no desire in fighting any more. If you’re gonna drown, no need to flap your arms and scream and panic. Just be.
Thank you. I also experience this want every day. I have trouble explaining it to people. Thank you for putting it in to words.
Hi Natasha –
I’ve recently been diagnosed with Bipolar and potentially combiner with ADHD. I have seen a number of your blog entries and find them very helpful. The only thing I wanted to ask is that while seeking help online and with doctors etc they say that you have long periods symptom free. I mean when I look back st myself I had about 3/4 years without a major episode, but I did suffer with anxiety – as always. Your blog posts suggest that your episodes are continual, I just wanted to see if you have periods of time while you feel good? I’m having s depressive episode at the moment after most severe manic, which I’m guessing is normal as it’s a crash. I’m quite worried about it never ending – although everyone is convincing me I will. Obviously because I felt better last time too. I’ve seen people get better too. I am type 1, I’ve seen your type 2. I don’t actually take medication at the moment as I’ve been coping pretty well and had loads of therapy. It’s just some of your posts seem as if it’s never ending suffering which terrifies me and yes I wouldn’t like to live a life feeling that way. Thanks.
Hi Danielle,
For me, I don’t have prolonged periods of wellness, or, at least, I haven’t since I was 18. But you have to understand, not everyone is like me and I have a severe case. Many do have respites. I will say, though, we know that not treating bipolar will reduce these times of remission and make them shorter.
You may wish to take a look at my book for a whole whack of bipolar coping skills (to be used with or without medication): http://amzn.to/lost_marbles
There’s also lots to learn about bipolar here: https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/286342-overview#showall
– Natasha Tracy
Understood.
The sky is grey, placid,
And wind swirls through,
The teeming air a chance,
One more day
Perhaps…
Okay, here is the thing that got me. I went over 35 years “not” attempting to kill myself. Even though most days the thought was always pushed in the back of my mind. I am on 4 differet medicatons for depression and bipolar. So last September everything blows up in my family. I feel completely distressed and alone. So that night my stupid self takes a handful of pills!! What!! Are you kidding? I made it to 57 years and I go and screw it up. Well, you all know I am still here. But I had a scary ass time in the Looney bin. That place is no joke. I thought one lady who looked like a male wrestler was going to kill me. I figured if I do die I want it under my own terms. Not being torn to pieces by miss scary buffefilla. It all scared me. I thought at least knew what to expect with my illness. Now I am not sure.
I wonder if you have tried a hypoallergenic elimination diet followed by food challenges to see if it helps. That might be more likely to help if you otherwise have allergies, such as allergic rhinitis.
I did this in 2003. My terrible spells of crying despair and feeling like killing myself didn’t go away in the first round of food eliminations, when I eliminated gluten, dairy and a couple other foods.
But they did go away a couple years later, after another elimination diet where I found a lot more food reactions.
I have terrible problems with inhalant allergies, and I think for me, the food sensitivities are related to being an allergic person. I don’t have bipolar, but I feel a lot more cheerful nowadays (not eating foods that made me sick after an elimination diet), less irritable, less likely to get “triggered”. I might have celiac disease as well. I was helped a great deal by quitting gluten in 2003, both physically and emotionally.
There has been a good deal of research on non-celiac wheat sensitivity. It is sometimes associated with having multiple food hypersensitivities and being otherwise allergic. The 2013 paper “Non-Celiac Wheat Sensitivity as an Allergic Condition: Personal Experience and Narrative Review” by Dr. Antonio Carroccio https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24169272 does list mood swings as one of the symptoms of non-celiac wheat sensitivity.
Hi,
I’d like to post a comment, but I’m not sure what the “Your Website” is for. I don’t have a website; I’m a new reader of your blog, which I’ve found encouraging just knowing that I’m not alone. Can I post comments without having a website?
Hi Sharon,
The “your website” box is optional. You don’t need to fill it in at all.
– Natasha Tracy
Anhedonia. Greek for without pleasure, no joy. I know this too well. Doctors call it ‘treatment resistant depression’ while I call myself a walking corpse. Oh I feel, I feel the pain of a rotting corpse, the cyclone of confusion fear rage mourning in my rotting lying brain, the simple empty discouragement when my wife tells me to smile for the inevitable selfie… I am smiling. It’s invisible too and it’s also a lie, but not as deceptive as the thing that LOOKS like a smile. One day someone will come along and bury me. Please?
Natasha, thank you so much for this article. You are such a blessing because you have a wonderful gift for expressing what many of us also feel with clarity, understanding, and compassion. Articles like this remind me that I’m not alone – that there are others who experience the same things I am and are managing to endure the unending pain just like me. It helps by giving me more strength to bear another day. I thank all of you who left comments. It’s so nice to feel like part of a group instead of always alone.
I live with the same thoughts if I do not take my meds. But every now and then the death chat slips in my brain and I become miserable to live with. You write my thoughts so well. No one understands wanting to die but not doing it. Confusing. What to do next is always my first and last question. Everyday is a new day but still the same day.
I have rapid cycling Bipolar I and I feel this way pretty much most of the time. I’m trying to work toward learning acceptance of those thoughts, feelings, situations I simply cannot change. It is a slow process. Unlike others, I do have the benefit of my husband’s health insurance and have a good psychiatrist now after switching 3 times. He listens and works collaboratively with me but I can never escape my shadow that wishes me dead and a quick ending to my internal torment and anguish over so many losses. To one day be able to wake up happy and without brain fog and pain…my fantasy.
Best wishes to all.
You have expressed what i feel every day and I never know how to explain.
It’s very difficult to open up with the rest of the world on this issue and sometimes even with my doctor.
Even if i’m on antidepressent, lithium and zyprexa i still feel that feeling expecially in the morning. ..so terrible
Miriam from Venice Italy
I’ve lived with this my entire life, with the anhedonia only coming after i ended up on antipsychotics for “treatment resistant depression” (itself a spurious label).
I can say that i still hate life and see it as a no win situation. Every day is just a constant damned reminder: you are worthless, you are stupid, you are broken, you can’t trust anyone, “help” means drugs and being lied to.
Really the only thing at this point stopping me from doing the world a favor is fear of another sentence in a looney bin. 3 stays in one, all they did was teach me to lie my ass off to avoid going in, and fake being happy so they’d let me leave and stop torturing me with drugs and electrical shocks.
If life is a gift, i’d like to know where the return line is. I’d rather get socks than this worthless mess.
I hear you. I have had episodes (not years) of wanting very badly not to be here. In an episode now and cant remember the good times as being my own. They belong to some other delusional person who I see in photographs.
I liked your post and the way you expressed yourself… i think many people will relate.
Your are such a beautiful person Natasha. You wrote what I know as you do every time. Thank you for being such a voice to what we leave unspoken to often.
Dear Natasha,
I follow you on Twitter and read all your articles. I don’t think I’ve ever commented on one before because I don’t want people to know that I feel *that bad.* I do talk about my own depression, OCD, and anxiety, but I don’t say how absolutely miserable that I am.
What prompted me to comment on this article was anhedonia. Because I have no insurance, I get no treatment except for Xanax and a generic anti-depressant that makes me so physically sick that I can’t take it. I left my ex-husband in 2010 because he was abusive and he was cheating. I moved back home and got a job at a friend’s new business. She had a day job, so I did all the paperwork and much of the physical work of setting up the business. I was dealing with a lot of emotions when we opened the business in July 2012, but I was able to feel happiness, anticipation, pleasure when I looked around at the new business we had created.
We hadn’t been open two months before she abruptly fired me after I reported that a male employee was sexually harassing me and had stolen from our donation box by the cash register. I asked her over and over again WHY, and each time she gave me another excuse. She promised me severance pay, and of course she never paid it, and because she hadn’t put me on the books yet . . . she had promised she would after we opened . . . I had no legal recourse. She fired me on August 28, 2012. And then she gave the job that I created, administrator, to a retired friend who could “volunteer” and work for free. It was a non-profit.
I went to bed. I stayed in the bed for almost two years. I stopped looked for other jobs. I only got out of bed because my aunt had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia and required 24/7 care at home until we jumped through all the hoops of Medicaid to get her into the nursing home of her choice.
I have not been genuinely happy since August 28, 2012. I freelance. I live with and take care of my now elderly mother. I have no IRL friends except the woman who cuts my hair, and I don’t let myself get too close to her. Most days, I don’t leave the house. I have my cats, books, dolls, and Twitter, but I don’t want to be here. I’m not suicidal. I couldn’t be no matter what because I have such a huge responsibility in caring for my mother. But I have lost pleasure in all the things I used to love. I haven’t listened to music in years. I read, but I have to make myself. Writing (my personal writing) is a struggle, and I usually work on an idea for a couple of weeks before giving up on it. I don’t feel the happiness I felt when I started writing in 2009. I buy a lot of unnecessary things . . . I collect dolls . . . but the happiness I feel when I unbox a new doll fades by the next day. I used to feel happy just being out in nature taking pictures, but now it’s just another struggle. I watch my favorite movies, but I don’t feel any enjoyment. I just exist.
My doctor is a GP and this is over his head. I’ve gone to the hospital for help and they said I wasn’t “sick enough” to be admitted. I remember the doctor smirking as she said that. I know they turned me away because I don’t have insurance. Now I won’t try anymore. I figure that they had their chance to do their jobs and help me, and I don’t give second chances.
I make online friends and lose them in a few months because they can’t handle my depression or obsessive thoughts. I never realized before today that my inability to feel pleasure is what has destroyed my life. I bounced back from abuse, cheating, loss of many of my possessions, but my “friend’s” lies about the job and how I could rebuild my life took the life out of me. I don’t see a way that I can ever be happy again. I don’t trust men. I can’t have kids. I live in a tiny conservative town, and dating a woman would upend my life again. It wouldn’t be acceptable.
I had heart palpitations while I was writing this just because of the remembering. I’m sorry that I wrote such a long post. I really just want to say that I’m so glad that I learned about anhedonia. At least it makes some sense of my situation. Your Twitter and blog are so valuable to people like me. Thank you for writing about these things. Your blog is the only thing I’ve found that describes how I feel.
I’m not so alone in my thoughts about wanting to die. That is somewhat a relief, even though it may not sound like I should be relieved of such thoughts. And thank you to those who shared their comments!
What about feeling too alive? I get exactly what you’re saying but my damn fingers can’t type fast enough to keep up with my brain. My heart is actually pouring out of my chest because I want to get this thought out so desperately. I am so grateful for the means of communication that exisits in today’s society. It allows me to get these rants out. These feelings of perfection that flow through my soul because it’s the time of month. Actually day. Actually…now I am in total agreement with YOUR version. Why? Because now I can barely finish writing this post, because in a matter of split seconds I feel sad again. Weak. Afraid to read back my words. As compared to 10 minutes ago when I couldn’t wait to hit send.
My story has yet to surface. My story is coming.
I’m so glad you wrote this article. I don’t feel alone anymore. I have felt this way for a long, long time. It is hard dealing with this every day. It is exhausting.
i haven’t been suicidal in (…pausing to count…) in seventeen years, but when those times come to mind they scare the daylights out of me. having made it to age 56, i’m confident that i’m not the sort of person who goes that way. i’ve lost friends and family to suicide; one way to cope with the grief is to believe that these individuals *were* that unlucky sort of person.
imho, natasha, if you’ve made it this far in life, evidently gaining so much knowledge and insight about yourself and your illness, chances are you too are not the sort who kills herself. if that’s true, then time and energy spent ruminating about death are not just a waste of time, they’re destructive. find a way to simply “not go there.”
death thoughts seem important, and i suppose they are if you’re a philosopher, novelist or visionary, but for people like us, they’re as much a symptom of bipolar illness as dancing naked at the company christmas party. i simply cannot afford to daydream about the corpse i’ll leave behind; instead, if i care about my health, i know i must simply abide by the three rules of depression, eg, 1) if i don’t feel like exercising, i must exercise; 2) if i feel like isolating, i must not isolate; 3) when all else fails, tough it out.
Everyday for 9 years I have wanted to be dead whether it’s depression or hyper maniac. Every single day. I have tried countless medications and ECT and nothing, nothing has helped. I have everything to live for, 3 kids, good job, lovely friends, lovely home and it’s all to much I can’t bear it. I hear stories of people who have depressive espisodes that go away after a few months and they get a break. I could cope if I knew it was only going to last a few months but this feels terminal. Thanks for your story. I know I am not alone. Blessings.
Thank you for posting this. It’s so empowering to recognize that the thought of “I want to die” is not the same as “I want to kill myself”. We should be able to talk about this without being labelled suicidal.
I love this part of your post: ” I will still be here for my kitties. I will still be here for my readers. I will still be here for my loved ones.” Me too! I have one cat that loves and depends on me, and one precious boyfriend, one precious sister and brother, and a few friends who care. Believe it or not, today, I don’t want to die. When people online or elsewhere say they are considering suicide as a possibility for them, I always recommend, “Suicide….read this first.” https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ Start by considering this statement:
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.
There is an image there of a balance beam with PAIN being the “heavy” and COPING RESOURCES being out-weighted. I have printed reversed this in PhotoShop Elements, with COPING RESOURCES being the most powerful weight, and PAIN lesser weight, then printed both images and have them hanging on the wall next to my computer. I totally understand wanting to die.
the problem i’ve found with “coping resources” is they’re useless to cope with life being a punishment. What is left when the “help” is anything but? :(