Stabbing is bad. It just is. If you have to pick self-harm options between cutting, hitting, and stabbing, don’t pick stabbing.
Unless you’re trying to kill someone, in which case I think stabbing would be pretty good. And satisfying. I’m surprised more murderers don’t pick stabbing.
Anxiety, Impulse Control Self-Harm and Stabbing
I’m having anxiety issues. And impulse control issues. And stabbing issues. Well, that last one is really a function of the other two, but it’s an issue nonetheless.
I’ve always been attracted to stabbing. I think that’s because when you start wielding a blade with force, you can’t change your mind. And it’s so easy to did deep. And draw a lot of blood.
Stabbing and Scars
And as I considered stabbing, I also thought it had the advantage of leaving a minimal scar. You cut down, not across.
This turns out not to be the case. Stabbing doesn’t produce a large incision, but the one it does produce tends to gape and cause more scarring than you think. Just trust me. Don’t try it.
And so, as much as I like the force, and blood, and bruising associated with stabbing, I’ve really written it off as a self-harm method. Death method, probably decent, self-harm, not so much.
Self-Harm, Stabbing is Bad
But as I’ve said, I’ve been having issues.
For whatever reason, for whatever cocktail, for whatever brain misfire, I seem to be turning in super-anxious-suicide-girl at night. Like, way more than usual. And on top of that there seems to be a real lack of impulse control on my part, last notably seen with the cutting of my wrist with broken glass.
Hitting is Bad Too
And so I had been hitting myself with a blunt object, went into the kitchen to cut up a yellow pepper, and then as I was removing the core I thought to myself, I wonder what it would be like if I hit myself with this knife. And then I just did. And then there was a lot of blood. I was standing next to the sink so I just tried to keep standing while the blood went down the drain.
It just kind of, happened. Like stubbing your toe. An accident.
And it’s fine. My arm is fine. There does seem to be some nerve damage going into my thumb, but it seems minor and may get better, I don’t know. This isn’t really my area of expertise.
Self-Harm Without Control is Really Bad
And I don’t know. It’s a scary thing. To do something, without intention. One of the problems is I really don’t care if I die. I mean, like, really don’t care. I’m so over it’s unbelievable. So when something pops into my head, whatever filter I did have doesn’t exist. So I just do it.
And then there’s the drinking. Crazy people shouldn’t drink. Crazy people on meds really shouldn’t drink. Crazy people on meds and tranquilizers really, really shouldn’t drink. But I feel so irreparably horrifically self-loathing and suicidal that I couldn’t care less that it’s a bad idea. I’ll take any idea at all that would mask the pain. Even a little.
Sigh. All roads lead to scar tissue.
Again, try not to worry, OK? You’re scared, I know. I am too. But there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing I can do. I’m suppose to see my GP on Monday and maybe she’ll be able to get me in to see a psychiatrist. Of course the psychiatrist won’t have any answers so it’s a bit moot. More moot than usual. Ultra-moot. Now with more brightening power.
Thanks for everyone’s view on this topic, I was/am a late bloomer with self harm & have multiple mental health illnesses with depression bipolar & BPD keeping me busy. I have seen a psychiatrist every fortnight for the past 6 years. I don’t know why but I’m considering stabbing. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it. I know it’s extremely risky but I guess that’s bipolar and BPD at work?
Hi. I feel same. Bipolar type 2, BDP, OCD and morbid depression. I am flying solo after 20 years with someone close. He’s gone. I am on no meds as there is a wait to see psychiatrist. It’s hell. Massive mood swings that have knocked me off my feet. I just want to do what you said so very badly. I’ve had enough of my mental health. I have no life. I’m not really close to anyone. I’m unreliable and assume abandonment anyhows! How are you now?
So your situation is very similar to mine, but my urge is usually at night or at school and it goes away when I’m ready to slice my arm. Then I can’t bring myself to do it. And recently I’ve had the urge to gouge someone’s eyes out which is weird but I’m in my mind I just want to do it. I wouldn’t say my life is bad necessarily, but I’m trans and my parents sent the most accepting so I haven’t come out to my dad but I did with my mom and she says it isn’t who I am and it made me mad. And any time I talk about getting may hair cut short or getting boyish things she gets mad and tells me sad wouldn’t like it.
And I wouldn’t say I’m too depressed (I think) so I’m not trying to cut out of sadness. I attempt it because I feel like it but then then I have the knife pressed to my forearm i can’t make myself do it and it’s a little frustrating at times.
Yes u’re right in that area of ur mom complaining of your hair cut and seeing you in a negative way. Which would want me to harm myself but wouldn’t bring myself to do it
I really feel every little thing you wrote here!!! Currently I am just at the point where I want to die but all attempts end up just being self harm anyway because I don’t have the balls to just hang myself. Maybe this just means I’m not depressed enough or am I just a real pussy? Like I really want to die, I would also like to get better but don’t have the patience to keep trying for a million years with no results so it seems it would make sense to just die. I’ve had several mental illnesses for several years and one of these illnesses I am likely to never recover so I am likely to always be depressed like this and have been my whole so far. So why would I try to get better when I know it will only be minimal or not even work. The only option is death you see as I have no motivation. I can’t study and can’t get up to work, I just literally sit in bed and waste away (this is not my problem, I have only just become this way after really giving up on life) I just never asked or wanted to be born yet here I am struggling to live and being told suicide isn’t an option, why shouldn’t it be, I never asked to live and I sure as hell don’t care to contribute to society, just don’t want to exist but not brave enough to end it
Why do you feel that seeing a psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist would be of no use? If you are already thinking like this, then perhaps you are seeking to fulfill your death wish. I know for a fact, that despite how low or desperate things can get, a combination of psychopharmacological medications ALONG with therapy, does help. I know it does. I have been through it. Not the same issues that you have, with self mutilation and all…but mine are just as, if not more, grave. Having survived an attempted murder and having witnessed in the same crime, my partner having his head blown off his shoulders….I have been living with PTSD and chronic depression for years. I was afraid of everything and everyone and every noise that came as a surprise. If I saw someone who even resembled, in color, the man who killed my partner and crushed my skull, jaws and morale, forever (he was never found but I remember his face as clearly as if it happened yesterday) …..walking down the street toward me, I would cross the street. Living in New York City is not a good place to live if one is afraid of an entire group of people….and when I got to the point that I was crossing the street ever 15 seconds, and harboring resentment against an entire race of people who did nothing wrong to me, I knew it was time to get help. I did and it took 7 years…but I am better for it and would continue it if I could. Therapy is not just for people who are ailing, but also for anyone looking to find out more about themselves. Yes, I was ailing and will continue to suffer for this, until I die, too….and not a day goes by without my thinking of my partner….but I am much better off now than I was before therapy and no longer have to take anti depressants and anti anxiety agents, to get through the day. It does work, if you give it a chance and open your mind to it, even a tiny bit. I promise you. Try, before one of these ‘unintended accidents’ ends up being a permanent solution to a temporary problem, even if you can’t see, right now, that the problem is temporary. Please try! You’ve nothing to lose and so much to gain. I know. I have been there. Please?
I want to stab myself but I don’t want to die at this point any suggestions
funny. i collect knives. love them .. i dont hurt myself as i hate physical pain as much as mental and run from both fast!.. i have always collected something and KNIVES stuck.no pun. -their just something about em.. im also very nostalgic you could say and knives run with that. –ok tea and klonoquelxanieloft time…. hope all are well..good to meet everyone here…
I get really irritated sometimes. I have this broken piece of glass I keep hidden if I even want to stab/cut/hurt myself. I never end up doing it out of sheer will power and the thought that I can go through this ’til tomorrow. But y’know what, it just isn’t working anymore. I totally have to agree with this. I just feel like severely hurting myself. :(
OK Anon, this is my playground and you have to play nicely with others.
Hi tiedye – you aren't alone. Of that I am sure.
i've been there, that thought that, hey, it would be so easy to just do this or that and see what happens.. it's not necessarily an intention, but then it just happens and, well, it's too late to take it back.. just know that your words here are an encouragement, even when they're sometimes tragic, because it helps some of us know we're not alone..
2022… and 22.. It’s crazy to me that I was so young when this was written and yet it is so relatable… I don’t feel quite so alone… I have borderline myself, and there’s just something different about stabbing… I don’t do it often, I cut when I’m upset, anything to focus on one emotion… I wouldn’t call myself angry in nature, I’m quite a soft little bubble person… but when I’m angry, when all I am is red and I’m seeing life in white hot flashes of pure rage… when all my self loathing bubbles up my throat and I’m screaming with no sound being made and the tears are burning down my face… that’s when the stabbing happens… I don’t even feel it anymore, my left arm is in no way related to that of my right at this point, and the stabbing with the bruises and the blood that trickles to my elbow and onto the bathroom floor… I guess it’s disgusting to say but it’s like an orgasm for me… it’s this release of everything I hate about myself and my life and what I’m capable of…
Hi Donda,
Sigh. I wish I had friends like that.
I understand. I live in a state where healthcare sucks whether you have insurance or not. I was once told when I was in crisis by an ER staffer that unless I have attempted to commit suicide that there was nothing that the hospital could do for me. I am thinking that even if you get a friend to stay with you and occupy you until you can see a dr on Monday that is doing something.
Hi Donda,
I understand your perspective. The stabbing was a few days ago, and I've been safe since, if that makes you feel any better.
Yes, I would say I'm in crisis. There just isn't much to do about it.
Ana Marie,
I'm getting the impression you come down on the pro-cutting side of things. That, of course, is your prerogative, but I recommend you reconsider that stance.
Self-harm is not healthy for your body or mind. There are far better ways to handle the stress you're feeling that drives you, and me, to that behavior.
I write about these topics as a way to get inside part of my brain, a very sick part. The bipolar part. Please don't mistake this as an endorsement of this behavior.
Ana Marie, it isn't about scarring, or even medical risk, it's about beating back a disease that forces me into this corner.
I know that the people who love you would rather not see your blood spilled. They care about you. You might consider that.
WOW. I really don't know what to say. I am thinking if it were me I would not be waiting for Monday…you sound like you are in crisis.
I understand. At least, mostly. Im a crazy person on meds who drinks and cuts. "You won't want those scars for the rest of your life."
"I'm gonna be scarred for the rest of my life, anyway."
Really, who cares? I get that. Scars arent a big deal to me. And i have never cut deep enough, but i wouldnt care about death either. Impulse is something we can't fight. Or we just don't.
Just try switching methods if the stabbing bothers you. like i said, i cut, its very satisfying for me