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The Battles of Depression and Suicide of an ‘Everyday Guy’

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 9, 2019

I have battled with what I now know is depression for the better part of a decade – since my teenage years. At the time, I didn’t see it as depression, it was simply a part of who I was. What my parents once considered to be nothing more than bouts of teenage angst, was something much more sinister. A while back I learned (in therapy) that most of my energy went into keeping me “above the surface.” Fighting like this really is a draining experience. It drained me emotionally, as well as physically.

Guilt Because of Depression Leading to Suicidal Ideation

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 2, 2019

I can’t tell you how horrible it is to be consumed by guilt because of depression and having that lead to suicidal ideation. Well, being consumed by guilt for any reason at all is horrible, but when it’s driven by depression — a demon in your brain — it’s incessant and resistant to logic. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by guilt because of depression and it actually made me suicidal.

University with Bipolar Disorder — Hope and Free Money

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Mar 26, 2019

I went to university with bipolar disorder. In fact, I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in computer science with bipolar disorder. I know it’s incredibly difficult but I know it can be done. Today I want to talk about how you can do it too, and about a source of free money for university if you are working towards making a positive impact towards mental health. (It’s real. I promise.)

Depression and Flash Flood Suicidality

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Mar 19, 2019

Depression is a bitch, suicidality, more so. Just reading the official symptoms of depression can tell you that. It’s living with depression that really turns up the volume on that reality. And one thing I’ve encountered recently is the flash flood suicidality associated with depression. I’ve characterized severe mood shifts as causing “mood whiplash” but this is a little different. Whiplash sucks, to be sure, soft tissue damage is hard to heal, but a flash flood decimates everything in front of it. The flash flood suicidality in depression is a bitch, squared.

Employment and Bipolar: How Working with Bipolar Feels

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Mar 6, 2019

Employment in bipolar disorder is a big topic and trying to work with bipolar disorder is no easy thing. If you have a job that requires the use of your brain, you’re going to have trouble if you have a brain illness like bipolar disorder. This is just logical. But what is this “trouble” like? What how does it really feel to work when you have bipolar disorder?

Living in the Moment Doesn’t Work for Everyone

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Feb 28, 2019

Living in the moment doesn’t always work and it doesn’t work for everyone, period. This is one of my biggest problems with pop psychology and the one-size-fits-all nonsense spouted on popular websites untethered by science. Science can’t tell you many things but one thing it’s clear on is that anything only has a percentage chance of working — and that percentage is never 100 percent. In other words, no matter how sage the advice, it doesn’t work for all people. And while “live in the now” or “live in the moment” sounds good and fits on a bumper sticker, I just don’t find it works for everyone — particularly not the seriously, chronically ill — and it certainly doesn’t work all the time.

Bipolar Complaints — How to Complain About Bipolar Without Being a Bother

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Feb 21, 2019

I have a lot of bipolar complaints right now. I have a lot of bipolar complaints about medication side effects, medication withdrawal effects and pain that seems unrelated but entirely badly timed. And yes, I feel like complaining about all of it. But I simultaneously don’t want to complain about any of it because I don’t want to be a bother to others. So is complaining about bipolar disorder okay in any amount? When? Where? To whom?

Bipolar — I Lied; I Don’t Have Good Days and Bad Days

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Feb 11, 2019

I have bipolar and I lie. I have bipolar and I often feel my life is a lie. It isn’t lying...

Bipolar — What Does ‘I’m Sick’ Mean?

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Feb 7, 2019

I have bipolar disorder and I say “I’m sick” a lot. One could argue that with bipolar disorder constantly trying to kill me, I’m always sick, but “sick” is a sliding scale for someone who is, essentially, sick every day. Other people with chronic illnesses will likely back me up on this. (And yes, it’s true that not eveyone with bipolar disorder is chronically sick in the traditional sense.) So considering bipolar disorder, when I say “I’m sick,” what do I mean and how am I bipolar-sick right now?