Bipolar disorder can absolutely make me feel useless. I woke up this morning and I went about my routine of feeding the cats, taking meds and so on. That’s fine. Then I sat down at my computer to start work. I started doing my social media tasks for the day, answering comments and so on. And then my brain just seized. Suddenly, thanks to bipolar disorder, I was useless.
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I so often feel like I can’t do anything because of depression. Look at the top photo. That is my life. I have had that objet cluttered and dusty for maybe years. It’s just one of the things in my apartment that I look at and see as failure. I see that I can’t do anything. I see that I can’t even clean up a small amount of clutter – clutter that can be found in so many corners of my apartment and life. Depression makes it so that I can’t do anything. However, while I feel this quite strongly, it may not, in fact, be entirely true.
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For many of us, we are expected to be fat and happy on bipolar medication. This is because many...
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If you have a bad bipolar day, you might wonder what you did wrong yesterday to cause it. I know I feel this way. I know I look for causes. And I know it feels like it’s my fault. I feel like I must have done something wrong to cause the bad bipolar day. It feels like a punishment for screwing up the previous day.
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My bipolar makes me feel so angry, but I know I’m not. I know I’m not really angry. I know that the signals that I’m angry are coming from my sick, bipolar brain. But I feel very angry anyway. I can’t make the anger go away, even through notable insight. It’s so frustrating and the existence of the anger, and my inability to make it go away, makes me even madder.
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When I make a mistake while experiencing bipolar depression, I beat myself up like none other. I get so angry with myself and obsess over any tiny, perceived mistake I make. Bipolar depression (and depression, in general) is brutal for that. As we all make them, we need to learn to deal with mistakes even with bipolar depression.
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Many people have made the point bipolar disorder is an invisible illness. That’s one of the things about it that make it so frustrating. People can’t see bipolar disorder; it isn’t part of their reality; so, obviously, it isn’t important or life-altering. Some people take this to the conclusion of suggesting bipolar disorder doesn’t really exist at all. But we know bipolar disorder is real. We know something doesn’t have to be outwardly visible, or even visible under a microscope, to be real. Bipolar disorder may be an inherently invisible illness but let’s do what we can to make it visible. Let’s stand up for the invisible.
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My daily life is based around the single concept of not making my bipolar disorder worse. It seems I’ve gotten past the point where I can do anything to get better, so all I can do is not make my bipolar disorder worse. This is an incredibly depressing realization. This realization posits that I will be in pain every day and the only thing I can do is not make that pain worse. I will continue to be bludgeoned every day, all I can do is make the club smaller.
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Suicide in the LGBTQ community is rampant. And in those in the LGBTQ community with bipolar disorder, it’s even worse. Please help stem that tide.
I know many of you are straight — most of you are, in fact. But I’m not. I’m bisexual. I’m part of the LGBTQ community and I’m asking for your help to stop suicide in this community and especially in the community where an LGBTQ person also has bipolar disorder. A queer youth with bipolar disorder has the very highest risk of suicide. This double-whammy of a sexuality that many won’t accept and an illness that can take your life is something that is almost impossible to deal with.
Almost.
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