I have a fear of bipolar medication treatment changes. I do. You’d think after 100 changes to my bipolar medication treatment plan I would be used to it, and while I supposed I’m used to it, it doesn’t destroy the fear. I’m so scared that a bipolar medication treatment change will make me worse. I also fear the hope that a bipolar medication treatment change offers.
Bipolar Medication Treatment Changes – Fear of New Medications
Last Friday, I left my psychiatrist’s offer with a new medication in my purse (physician samples). And it’s a new new medication. In other words, it’s not just new to me, but it’s actually newly-approved. This isn’t surprising as I’ve tried virtually everything that was previously Health Canada approved.
And, of course, one of the higher-risk things one can do is to take a newly-approved medication. This is because all the side effects have not be found yet and have not shaken out. All the side effects simply can’t be known until a medication goes market-wide. That’s just statistics for you. So I know, this drug could have very bad side effects that we don’t know about. Yay.
Bipolar Medication Treatment Changes – Fear of Side Effects
And, of course, any time a person signs up for a new bipolar medication treatment change, he or she also signs up for new side effects. All drugs have them and it will be individual as to which side effects you will experience. Yes, I am scared of the new medication side effects. (Although, I have to say, by and large, new medications do have more favorite side effect profiles.)
Bipolar Medication Treatment Changes – Will It Make Me Worse?
Any bipolar medication treatment change might make my bipolar worse. While, where I am today might not be great, I do loathe the thought that it could get worse. And, make no mistake about it, you can always get worse.
Bipolar Medication Treatment Changes – Fear of Hope
People who have not been chronically sick for long periods of time do not understand the danger of hope. Everyone thinks hope is a good thing but, in my experience, it often isn’t. This is because you get your hopes up that a bipolar medication treatment change will make you better. And then it doesn’t. And then that hope crushes your soul in its powerful and spiky grasp. The destruction of hope is so painful I can’t even explain it to you. And the destruction of hope over and over and over is, truly, soul destroying. If you haven’t lived it, you don’t know. Trust me, fear of hope is a real thing because the aftereffects of hope can honestly try to kill you.
Why Change a Bipolar Medication Treatment Plan?
That is simple, naturally: to get better. While people find that their bipolar improves through many means I have found exactly one thing: my bipolar depression improves through medication only. Sure, many other tools keep me alive and keep me going and keep me keeping on, but nothing actually address the bipolar depression except medication. That’s just the way it is for me.
So, if I want to have a better quality of life, I have to face my fears. When I held the medication on Friday I felt like I was handling anthrax. But, no matter, I have to be prepared to lose in order to create the opportunity to win. As they say (in Alcoholics Anonymous, I think), if you always do what you’ve always done you always get what you’ve always got(ten).
And, honestly, I refuse to give up. I refuse to live with a horrific quality of life just because we haven’t found a bipolar medication that’s particularly effective. I refuse to suffer with permanent anhedonia. I just do. It’s reasonable to say that I want to get better. It’s reasonable to say that I don’t want to be in pain every day. So, I will face my bipolar medication treatment change fears to get what I (and what we all) honestly deserve. Which is to get better.
Tracy , your refusal to accept a life of anhedonia struck me. Are you familiar with any research on the use of micro dosing of drugs such as ketamine, or it’s close chemical analogue for treatment resistant depression in bipolar ?
Sometimes medications stop working and sometimes the doctors will keep just doubling them…they hope the bipolar person will act out during an episode that way that dont have to give them services and state doesnt have to pay disibility while incarcerated….and alot of the guys in jail awaiting prison must pay for thier meds ..no pay no meds even if they are SMI…its a travesty here in Arizona~we spend ALL the money here on illegals and immigrants.
Hi Rochelle,
That’s shocking. I’m so sorry there’s no access to proper care. Hopefully, that can change.
– Natasha Tracy
thanks natasha
I am up for a medication change in July. Like Natasha, I’ve had around 100 different cocktails. I think the drug I changed from last time actually made me paranoid about changing drugs again. I’ve talked to others on the drug, and they had the same paranoia. Horrible drug. I gained 40 pounds within 3 months, lost my hair, whined continuously because I felt so awful, but was terrified to change. I wasted 4 years on the drug before I finally got the gumption to change, and it was the best thing I could have done. The transition went smoothly (Mostly because I have a new, competent doctor), and the new med works. But I’m still terrified to make this new change from seroquel. I’ve taken seroquel for 13 years and it’s the ONLY thing that has worked to control mania and help me sleep. I sure hope the next one works as well….and doesn’t give me the nasty side effects that seroquel does. Yes, I am terrified! The main intolerable side effect for me is weight gain. I don’t care about gaining 20 pounds, but I’ve gained 20 AFTER the 40 from the other drug and still gaining. At 200 pounds, I am very uncomfortable and obviously have a difficult time getting around as compared to before. My physical health is taking a dive, and that’s just not acceptable to me. Diabetes and heart issues are rampant in my family, with early death, and I can’t have that..I have two kids with disabilities to take care of. Wish me luck and I wish Natasha and everyone else luck who takes that scary step to change meds.
I think it would be more unnatural to fear change in meds than to not.
Simply as,I know for myself,with each alteration,my hopes go up….thinking this maybe the right mix now…
But,I also now believe it is a combination of things as well as meds.
Though,yes,of course we need meds a brain disorder!
But if I were to count the many times meds failed me…I’d write a novel!
Also,I keep track of any side effects,etc..
Whenever there is a change…then I first question my pharmacy….
Then,if still feel not right,make a Drs appt straight away,much better than sucking it up & ending up in hospital.
It may simply just need a tweak,or an allergic reaction…Dr is the go to.
I no longer suck it up like I used to,so I see that plus no more cutting over extended length of time progress.
No,things aren’t perfect,not nearly as well as I wish they were…
I wrote in my journal a list of the changes I’ve made over the past 2-3 yrs….much longer than thought…for the positive!
Then I wrote another LONG list page / page of things I want to do over 5 yrs health depending of course………
INTERESTING …when you write it down so you see in black & white the changes you’ve made better or worse.
Hopefully,for the better……
I keep these to look at when severely low…..
I also just the other day,did a list of what I like about myself …( again,surprised)
These things are part of MY PLANS TO STAY WELL,ALONG W MEDS…..
we’ve all been thru meds guinea pig syndrome…..it’s hard.
I could lie & say it’s nothing,but that’s not me.
I wish friends well,no meds are perfect,as I experience breakthrough pain even with my meds for it…
I term this breakthrough bipolar….I have yet to find a med that STOPS every SYPTOM I HAVE.
But for most part,I at least right now,am okay,out of hospital while…
Sandra in BP cyberspace Good nite friends….zzzzzz
i needed to read this viewpoint about being brave enough to take chances and make changes today. i think one still has to be discerning about what you try, and it is good to read a reasonable viewpoint about how fear of change does not always serve one. thank you! your writing is very helpful.
As well…music helps
I’m looking up foods / drinks
that would aid in insomnia
If I’m hypo maniac or feeling somewhat
I do things that I put off when I’m a depressed
slug….my theory is chaos reduction
Or if its ok weather, I walk to get groceries
just enough to carry home
As I’m injured ( spine) it has to be light stuff
Take a bubble bath, ( I splurge on this)
I can’t afford trips or a spa so…..
Sometimes stay in 1 h bring my iPad
Setup watch something…….
Other times best…..silent
As for depression……slug…..don’t go/ do
anything except care for my cat
Cry a lot , think about negative shit
Sleep….cat nap
Don’t eat much
Don’t answer my phone, though I kind of
go from who cares/ well, maybe…..
My physical pain may flare up but that
Also is weather related.
I hope you are doing well, Dee!
Ps I hope Annika you are better, and als
Every Drs visit dreading/another
med yet more side effects
Worst weight gain cotton mouth…
of course back of my mind, I’m sick
Of being sick
Blood tests you all know.
Worst of all….family …false hope..again?
There’s so much more than meds, I’m not
as afraid to let the cycle flow…,
My Dr taught me to not fear my mood swings
Of course meds stabilize don’t cure
It’s rough ride ….but at least we aren’t
alone in it
Sorry down mood
Peace to all and fight the good fight!
I have two sisters who have (and had since the older one died as a result of 30 years of drugging) suffered bi polar disorder. We have a history of alcoholism in our family on my mothers side. Alcohol and drug consumption was a contributing factor in my older sister’s illness. I got sober 21 years ago and feel I could have developed full blown bi polar disorder myself if I had not undergone the steps and the altered attitudes that is spoken of in the rooms It wasn’t the entire solution. I had much therapy and did a lot of bodywork and work with feeling my deeply buried feelings of grief over lots of traumatic past experiences as well as coming to understand the part my thoughts played. I have known crippling depression thoughts cant change but they can and do pass. I have never taken a psychotropic medicine in my life but I have watched one sister be crippled by it and the other struggle with the Russian roulette wheel of psychiatric mix up including one period of shock treatment and a cocktail of drugs some of which led her to fall two times and cut her head open. At the moment I cry nightly for my sister and pray she had the strength to take back her power from the psychiatrist. I would NEVER advise anyone to go off meds but inside my gut I know the pain of what they have done to two sisters one who died a year ago and NOTHING CAN CONVINCE ME THEY ARE THE SOLUTION FOR MY SISTER. I don’t think it is fair of you to tell people on here that their decision to go off meds is wrong. It is not your life. Maybe that decision is right for you but get the hell off the back of those who are brave enough to do the work on themselves besides just using medication,
The drugs I have been on for the past 16 years are killing me slowly. I was in great health. No I have serious issues with my kidneys, liver, heart and limbic system and I will know next week if the drug that had a black box warning of diabetes has actually given me diabetes when my shrink said it wont. And I am becoming fruig tolreant and I dont give a hoot what anyone says I wont even take an Advil.. I cycle up to 3 times a day and life for me is horrific but I want to feel somewhat like a human and not end up dialysis with dementia and a heart condition which will get worse.
Deb – I am so glad that AA helped yu so much. It helped me too in many ways. Don’t think I would have lived w/o the steps and tools I learned there. Unfortunately there are, as anywhere, some unhealthy people who prey on the vulnerable. I had two friends who were pressured by a woman (sponsor-long timer ,but unhealthy In my eyes) to STOP their medication – They are both dead now. One – was 20 yrs sober – 6 suicides in her family – SHE was changing the pattern. But No, this Old timer knew better – no medical knowledge – I will not go further into the back round..the second girl was a newcomer. The OT tried with me & I let her know what I thought. Anyway – Principles before personalities – that one was VERY hard for me – I could NOT watch it continue. Bi Polar and Sobriety are different things as far as I’m concerned..It Does bother me that many Medical people/Hospitals don’t seem to understand that therapy isn’t effective when their patient is SELF MEDICATING. THAT issue needs to be dealt with thru education panels and doctors training.. I was SHOCKED at the ILLEGAL Drugs smuggled in when I was hospitalized. WOW. Docs there NEVER asked if I drank or drugged..I didn’t, but wow. Anyway..I commented here – because I think you and I have NO RIGHT to judge another person’s Journey. I Know you have grief and want to blame..My Mom just died 35yrs dry in AA..there is a lot of anger I have towards her & what she did to me thru AA.- I left after 16yrs. But AA Is a Miraculous Program that saves LIVES. People used to DIE and/or get locked up until the 30’s. PEOPLE are imperfect – AA WORKS – and we seriously should not be talking about this..AA is Anonymous for a Reason – Never to be blamed or compared. xo Lucy
When you are diagnosed with b p, and start your meds,we all ( my opinion ) need to stay on them. It will take 10-14 days before we can tell if it works. When the Doc gave me anti depression meds , I got to feeling much worst. He gave me a mood stabilizer . This was the best thing to help me. When I was 37 I was so depressed I took 58 sleeping pills. I shouldn’t be alive. Long story short I ended up in Melo Park ca. In the national center for PTSD for combat vets. They saved my life. I spent a total of 13 months in the program. Everyone ( 105 guys ) had to read and work from a book called feeling Good By Dr Burns, I thought it was a bunch of bs. After several weeks ( 5-6 ). I got it. I believe that talking and writing about our feelings is the best therapy for all the folks that suffer from Bp . Please feel free to E mail me ( hank.m1946@yahoo.com ). ( 530-953-7907 ) good luck and and hope all find your inter peace. Thank’s. Hank
I agree about being afraid of my meds quitting, of them damaging my brain long term, and am so very careful I never run close to being out of them. I was on Effexor, was switched to Cymbalta years ago and that mixed with Welbutrin, trazodone, Neurontin, provigil, and Invega, along with morphine and Norco, manage to get through the day. I was put on this cocktail by my doctor, who was a research fellow studying depression at UCI…over ten years ago. I still have manic urges, days of depression, and feel flat emotionally…but I function. My therapist told me there is now a DNA test that will tell you what medications, psych ones, you should take and what to avoid! I will find that information as soon as I can and post it here.
I would have not gotten through the last five years of caring for my elderly mom if I wasn’t on meds…everyone in our family leaned on me to be the strong one! I would have been in the hospital with another breakdown without them.
Judy
I have a survey type question… no one need respond but I hope someone or 2 does:
What, of so many adverse reactions and side effects of so many different pharma meds, would you live with and tolerate and deal with?
What, of so many of so many, would you absolutely NOT be willing to deal with?
I can tolerate;
dizziness, diarrhea, itching (less it allergic reaction), nausea (not vomiting), hair falling out or thinning (not patches missing), blurry vision (not blindness), peeing too much (not too little & no major edema – of which I’ve had with psych meds in the past), headache (not migraine) and some shaking/trembling (not spasms or muscle cramps severe -which btw, I have on all APs so far).
I can deal with some confusion and bewilderment (not complete stupidity as some meds cause & no hallucinations as I’ve had with some ADs). I can also deal with sleeping for 8-12 hours (not 18-20 hours or with a massive hangover, afterwards).
In that I am 5’5″ and currently weigh 228 lbs (some of which are med caused)… I would not tolerate a med that would pack on more than 10 lbs because I’m already obese & have those medical issues caused by – of which 70 lbs of my 228 are directly caused by psych meds.
That is just some, not all….
Anyone want to say what they are willing to live with and what they are not willing to deal with? Anyone?
I Finley got off meds 12 years ago, The key for me was understanding that everyday I check my own attitude lattitude of how I’m doing. If I’m spending to much, or I’m having a grandeouse thinking,depressed, no motivation, I write about my feelings (short notes) , and chose to change my thinking, sometimes I I have to do this 6-10 times a day. This works to simmer me down. yes this can be a challenge when you start, it works. ( tip) use a ball point pen instead of computer. Thank you. Hank. 530 953 7907 If you need to talk anytime.
Good for you. Meds are not- are never- the answer.
And the way people behave, bipolar or not, IS always a choice. Maybe the things that caused us to WANT to behave that way are not choices, nor are the urges, but the way we act those urges out can be changed.
Thoughts cannot be caused by physiology. They just can’t. They are abstract and physiological things (chemicals in brain, wiring, etc) are physical. The physical cannot cause the abstract. If you are thinking a certain thing (grandiosity, depression, worhtless, angry at injustice, etc) that was caused by some fact or viewpoint you picked up because of something you experienced in your life.
Would you mind if i called you sometime? I would definitely like to get together a website that approaches bipolar and other syndromes in a totally different way than the pro-meds (or, more broadly, pro physical-treatments) crowd does. It is encouraging to see people who have woken up to the med problem.
I think many cases of bipolar are caused by living in a society in which we are socially and emotionally damaged, and those who are most crapped on by that society are the ones who end up experiencing these symptoms, and who end up diagnosed with bipolar, and who end up on meds, to “quiet” them because they are the disgruntled ones.
You missed entirely the meaning of her post. Did you actually read it? This is a direct quote: “That is simple, naturally: to get better. While people find that their bipolar improves through many means I have found exactly one thing: my bipolar depression improves through medication only. ” Your physical vs abstract makes absolutely no sense at all either. It is medically proven that brain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin produce strong emotional changes and shifts in a person’s brain and body. This is not medically up for debate. I have taken meds with significant effects on my condition, some good (but couldn’t take the side effects) and some bad (I have tried new cocktails of meds to finally find what works for me) Do you have bipolar? I find it very interesting when people who have never experienced the disorder dispense precise advice and make huge blanket statements on mental conditions to those who have medical illness. I curious what your psychiatric background is as well.
Simple emotions can be caused by chemical things, but NOT thoughts (thoughts about specific things, or specific emotions, like jealousy, etc).
Perhaps some people find the symptoms go away with meds. but is alleviating the symptoms the only goal? Should it be?
“Simple emotions”? Like those of “soul-crushing depression”? And you talk about symptoms. You mean like, killing yourself? Those kinds of symptoms? Lithium is STRONGLY correlated to people NOT doing so, if you didn’t realize. Spend a little time with research that goes back many decades if you’d like a bit more insight into just that drug (actually, an element) alone and I think it might help your education…
Yes , for many Lithium does work.. For me I got very ill. Gained ,much weight and a few other thing occurred.. You also do know the stress it has on your kidneys.. 2 friends who started on lithium with me 15 years ago and stayed on it had kidney issues so bad. One is now in late stage renal failure and the other was lucky to have a daughter who gave her a kidney. Is that the norm? I dont know. But Lithium as in all drugs has its good and bad points. And yes, the lithium we take is a drug.. I wish one day there will be blood test and more science instead of opinion.
“Simple” and “strong” are not the same thing. Specific thoughts cannot be caused by chemicals, only general feelings, like sadness, anxiety, etc.
That is the most ridiculous thing you’ve said this entire time. A deficiency in one of these chemicals isn’t a “thought”. A serious imbalance in brain chemistry isn’t a “choice”. To assume so essentially throws out all medically known research and science. You don’t believe that seriously-reduced serotonin levels in the brain has psychiatric implications? That those are just “thoughts”? If so, you are some mis-informed and uneducated that holding a conversation with you is somewhat difficult. I’m not saying I have all the answers in how to address these brain issues, but to deny they exist prevents even simple conversations on them. I haven’t had universally “bad” thoughts for a good portion of the last 20 years of my life. I have hoped for the BEST and made more lifestyle changes than you can possibly imagine. I have suffered so grievously from this illness that you cannot begin to fathom its effect on me and my attempts to change its course. Once again, I asked earlier if you suffer from any mental illness yourself, you didn’t provide an answer. If the answer is “no”, then I would say that the personal experiences of the vast majority on this blog outweigh what you’ve read on a website.
You need to calm down in the way you go after Sandi. and your disposition is not exactly congenial.for a discussion among your peers on this blog.
Nuances, Narratives, and the “Chemical Imbalance” Debate…….
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/couch-crisis/nuances-narratives-chemical-imbalance-debate
Thank you Jim H. The right treatment for one person is often not the right treatment for another. It’s hard enough to get good care without broad ‘X vs. Y’ battles making it more difficult.
Mental Illness is created within the brain. No one will argue this.
I am merely a layperson, ignorant and ill-informed at best. Yet, this is a summation of what is learned and yes, I am mentally ill… have been most of me life.
The brain is likened to a super computer x 100. It either runs or tries to run, a very intricately detailed and created organism-the body.
Anything absorbed externally; be it physiological or emotional, will alter the brain and how it functions and how it’s wired. Food and water, are it’s main sources of electricity that runs the brain and it’s wiring.
So, illicit street drugs – supplements – pharmaceutical created drugs, etc. all affect and effect the brain and how it operates, wires itself and functions. The bio-chemical regulation of the brain, is altered.
So, yes… the meds DO something. Sometimes GOOD somethings and sometimes BAD somethings, but, no one can argue that they DO something to the brain.
Impulses and thoughts and emotions are created within the brain. The brain is altered by chemicals absorbed or ingested. It is also altered by drama, trauma, stress… because that alters the bio-chemicals via the endorphins, etc.
Behavior is a response to those impulses and thoughts. Behavior is learned, conditioned and trained.
You choose to lay in bed for days, you choose to drink yourself stupid, you choose to want to kill yourself (and you can choose to seek help or not, to die or not), you choose to have sex with any person that may be within arm reach rather than your partner/spouse/or significant other, you choose to spend 1000’s over a 2 day period
cause you “thought” it a good idea…
So.. the meds CAN help and do help millions upon millions (be they supplemental, pharmaceutical or oddly, street). Therapy can also help.
Meds are for the physiological symptoms created by the brain. Therapy helps understand the brain’s functioning, how it manifests in your living life, how you’ve learned to respond to things in life and helps to train and condition the behavior that is learned, conditioned and well, trained.
If all anyone does is pop meds and you do not learn how you react and interact and behaviorally respond to that which manifests (triggers, stressors, etc.)… then you are simply medicated to relieve the discomfort of the symptoms to the point of your tolerability and comfort… and more importantly, that of those surrounding you.
Mental illness IS medical, only due to the meds absorbed and/or ingested having a effect.. be it raising this chemical or lowering that chemical or firing that synapse or tickling that neurotransmitter, etc.
It is medical because medically, it is affected… yet, it’s not cured or eradicated medically nor diagnosed via known medical tools of discovery that specifically denotes mental illness.
Argue all you want.. this ill-informed individual riddled with mental illness since wee childhood and suffered much drama/trauma while raising up… still believes that mental illness is a medical illness and can be helped medically by meds (temporarily by street meds, possibly – just sayin) and mentally/emotionally by therapy…
I don’t know how to make this any clearer for you. You seem fixated on the “thoughts” model, like people can simply “choose” how to feel. I have a chemical deficiency in my brain, an imbalance. I did not cause this imbalance. Mental illness is strongly genetic, so I am predisposed to my condition. The imbalance or deficiency in my brain makes it *physically impossible* to have feelings of happiness, joy or empathy during certain periods of my life. The ability for my brain to make those connections does not exist during this period. No choice. Not your ridiculous assertion that I can say “oh, I’ll change my thoughts today!” (it makes me think you actually believe in little fairies and magic wands, sad to say). I have done everything possible to change this behavior. For 20 long years. It is quite offensive for you to say otherwise. And when have I ever said that there aren’t a great deal of other strategies to approach this condition in conjunction with medication? When have I said that identifying triggers and doing your best to avoid them isn’t a fantastic idea? The brain is a physical organ, like all organs. It can have disorders that make it function improperly. This is what “mental illness” is. There is something structurally different about my brain than yours, that has nothing to do with choice or “happy thoughts”, but real psychological differences. Differences that can be corrected at least in some way with medications, in addition to other therapies and lifestyle choices.
hi, jim, what you said was absolutely right based on science and experience.
Thank you Jim H :)
Life without meds for me is dangerous and deadly
Totally disagree with you. I have many issues with the psychiatric profession, but their definition of psychosis is often quite fair. I have been not myself when ill and have done stuff totally off the charts. Not much choice in that, and the stopping of meds altogether played a huge role. I have lost friends, although some of them were very selfish and not ‘true’ friends, so have mixed feelings there.
Society is messed up, I agree with you there. But trying to keep people on a steady path and support them is laudable if often flawed in execution.
Sandi…
You were looking for a website… http://beyondmeds.com/about/
Even in the closing statement that your previous link provides: “It is time for psychiatry’s critics to drop the conspiratorial narrative of the chemical imbalance and acknowledge psychiatry’s efforts at integrating biological and psychosocial insights.” There ARE biological, biochemical, structural brain differences in someone with mental illness and other people. I feel that to infer that these are simply destructive or negative “thoughts” I’ve been having all these years is very insulting. As I’ve said before, I don’t have all the answers either…that is why forums like this exist to discuss them. But you need to come to the table with some basic understanding of how the brain works. There are many behavioral issues at play too, certainly. Genes are also an expression, since these disorders quite clearly run in families. And there are also chemicals that are out of whack too. I’ve never had “bad thoughts” create an episode, or at least not in a vast majority of cases. Medicines work to physically affect and alter brain chemicals. There is no cure, and no cure-all based on common options. There will be one some day. Along with great lifestyle choices, I will be one of those that hopefully experiences that circumstance. Until then, like countless others – including the writer of this blog, who says that meds are the ONLY thing that help her – I will continue searching for the proper meds that I need to give me the best chance of functioning well.
I, too, an one of the pointers only medication will help. I tried everything else, and suffered for years. My family finally forcing me to try meds was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, I sometimes still have bad days. Everyone does. Bout my brain has finally slowed down enough that I can trust myself again. I do things after thinking them through, not because a manic impulse pops in my head that in doing before thinking of consequences. My depressions are maybe a day or two of not greeting out of bed, not weeks of near catatonic behavior. Someday, I hippie there is more objective testing to help doctors figure out what will help each person best. But saying meds are always horrible when they have write clearly saved some of our lives is short sided and honestly dangerously uninformed
I sympathise with everyone who has an issue with side effects of new meds. Has anyone tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy homeopathy, dietary change, massage ,dance, exercise, working with a Bipolar Support Group,
Cause sometimes I think people get stuck on taking meds and forget they have a life!
You arent your disorder are you?
Its part of you not all of you.I really think laughing about your crises will help you, and not being an excuse for some Dr to give you heaps of shit hahahah.By all means take the meds, but essentially it only works when you are being active. There is always two sides to every story, take meds , but live your life , get te sleep ,eat the food and take your meds and yes get yr doctor to adjust it.Its your right YOU have a life right? Good be happy hahahahaha
Monica, I do the same thing. Usually when I see my psychiatrist I tell him I’m doing doing fine, and keep suffering to avoid a med change. But today I broke down crying in his office and told him how intolerable the side effects had become. He was surprised to say the least because I had not spoken of them earlier. I’ve always had a fear of doctors which makes it hard for me to speak up when I need to. He agreed to lower the dose for the time being but he also told me he was contemplating a med change for my next appointment, which scares the crap out of me. What I fear most is how the meds will affect my ability to work. As a single person without much of a support system I NEED to be able to support myself. I literally can’t afford to get sick again!
I so agree with everything you say here. I am also very afraid of med changes as new meds always give me the worst side effects, like blinding migraines, fatigue, losing half my hair and gaining weight. I also have no therapeutic effects from them most of the time. So it is a time of fear, anxiety, new symptoms and “Oh god, what’s going to happen to me now?” Thanks for writing about this!
I totally understand I’m get weaned off a bunch of MED’s very slowly but it still fear for, myself, children and hubby. Thanks for letting me know the feelings are normal.
Natasha,
I just learned that you are from Canada. I’m been following your blog for a while and always thought someone from a USA medical perspective.
I live in Toronto…
I was put on Seroquel when it first came out, and it has been a lifesaver. Lately, though, I’ve started having motor tics right after I take it. I know I need to talk to my doctor. I know they’re after newer drugs I’ve never tried because if it’s not broke don’t fix it. But in so scared of going unstable, of my son having to deal with full blown mania (though he deals with my hypomania better than anyone else, usually being the first to notice in elevating and helping me come down safely). So I go in, say in doing fine, and keep suffering to avoid a change. I need to suck it up and be honest. Maybe next month
HI Monica,
I also have been on Seroquel since it was used in my first clinical trial, and I am now up to 750 mg, and since I am almost at the top end in dosage, I am terrified of what will happen if I have to take more. I also get all kinds of quirks after taking it so now I take it all at night and by morning most of the quirks are over. Not sure if that will help or not, but it is important to talk to your doctor about them, as some of them can be dangerous such as the difficulty swallowing:(
No more changes in meds for me. I refuse to be a lab rat for big pharma anymore.. Caused me too much physical damage beyond the mental anguish.. I used to be hopeful. Until they have blood tests and science instead of opinion I will not have anybody give me a pill.. I am even scared of advil now. Hope to me is just a big fat dog turd wrapped in chocolate. Tastes good but for a moment. I am screwed and I know it. No question about it.
I agree with you. meds do not help. They do not address the causes of bipolar, only the symptoms that peope don’t want to see (some of them, like undeserved anger and violence, it is understandable they don’t want to see!)
The meds mask the problem and that is what the companies want- and what the society we have (which causes our pain) wants- they want people’s anger adn dissatisfaction and resulting head problems to be covered up and attributed to a “syndrome” or “disorder” within us, not to their society.
Insanity-repeating the same action and expecting different results. Change is inevitable and sometimes that means switching or starting a new med in order to get you stable with your illness. Some of us need more or less meds and definitely different treatment plans. It sucks trust me I know. I hate med changes in any way but it far outweighs the alternative, for me I can get very depressed or very hypomanic. Hypomania can feel fantastic but for me personally it always ends up causing mixed rapid cycling, which isn’t fun at all. What goes up will always come down to be cliche. The worst part of meds are the side effects. I have a history of noncompliance because I enjoy hypomanic, I just don’t think about the end result. Rapid cycling with extreme anxiety. In other words,it starts great but without a doubt turns bad.
Totally agree on the hope thing. And while it’s usually possible to train yourself out of it (expect the worst…), many relatives seem to have trouble giving up the hope for the silver bullet that will just make everything like it was before.
Regarding trying new meds… my wife (a pdoc) has had a slew of patients lately who had tried some meds but the initial dose they were put on was just way too high for them, even if its the ‘normal’ starting dose. Starting way lower (think compounding pharmacy) and going up very slowly can sometimes turn a past dramatic failure into a reasonable success.
I’ve had meds that were working for me poop out a couple of times, and the feeling of needing to ‘go back to square one’ of this delightful game of trial and error is distressing to say the least.
I hope this goes well for you Natasha and you get some relief. I really admire your dedication.
Pretty much every drug I’ve ever tried has helped me, with the exception of antidepressant monotherapy which helped until they made manic (pre bipolar DX). I have been taking Seroquel and Zoloft and been stable for a good long while, and now I’m slowly coming off the Zoloft. It’s scary to consider this messing up my mood but we’re trying to see if I can get down to one med long term.
Ditto on the downside of hope. I’ve learned –the hard way– to maintain my hope by holding to it with less sense of urgency.
Eventually another combo of meds will work for me, but it probably won’t be this next one. And this next thing I try may cause some horrible siide effects– like the recent cognitive impairment caused by LAMICTAL– but those side effects will probably subside within 30 to 90 days.
A more realistic horizon of hope has reduced my suffering and enhanced my stability.
I hope this goes well for you Natasha and you get some relief. I really admire your dedication.
Pretty much every drug I’ve ever tried has helped me, with the exception of antidepressant monotherapy which helped until they made manic (pre bipolar DX). I have been taking Seroquel and Zoloft a
Hi Natasha and all –
I will NEVER take another psychotropic medication, or see another doctor who wants to prescribe it or ECT or anything associated with my bipolar diagnosis. WHY? Because there is a cure FOR ME. It is medical marijuana, sativa strain. Look it up, google it do whatever it takes – get the information for yourself. The pharmaceutical industry does not want you to know this information, because they cannot patent this plant that has been used as medecine for 5000 years. A Canadian discovered it’s use as a cure for cancer, that’s right!! If it can cure cancer it sure can cure bipolar disorder.
My current cocktail (Depakote, lithium, Adderall XR – I’m one of the few bipolars who can handle it) has made me feel better than I’ve felt in years, but I still deal with winter depression and anhedonia, which the Adderall helps with but I know (or at least hope) that will be tackled eventually with another med, as I’d just like to take Adderall for my ADHD and only when I really REALLY need to get my work done. I’m ED-NOS and my past cocktails made me gain 20-30 lbs so that was absolutely horrible and ended up making my disordered eating habits resurface. Zyprexa gave me cystic acne and made my hair fall out, and seroquel made me completely useless as a person (literally could not even get out of bed and when I did, I couldn’t stay out). It’s still an ongoing process but at least I am getting better finally and haven’t experienced mania or severe depression since this past July, when I was last hospitalized.
Just had a bad episode Friday on a new med. Doc trying something for compulsive thoughts and it totally freaked me out. I had to leave work and everything. Cut the dose down and I am doing better. My coworkers think I have lost my mind though. Not an image I wanted to leave them with. So med changes are scary and can be socially awkward especially when you have episodes at work. But luckily they all know me and understand I am going through some tough times and are being supportive. But that may not always be the case. Make sure you have a good support system in place anytime you change a med and always keep a good record of your moods ands changes so you can tell your doctor’s if something isn’t right. If the meds aren’t working you don’t have to take them. You are the one in control not the other way around.
Thank you Natasha for addressing this. I think there is also a fear of changing treatment that HAS been working. I have been on the same cocktail of drugs for many years and they have been working successfully. My pdoc recently suggested I lower the dose on the med that keeps the depression at bay. My first reaction was NO! I am completely scared to let him lower it because I don’t want to risk sliding into bipolar depression. He left it for now but I suspect it will be revisited. I know his concern is that I am at the highest dose I can take but I am of the thought that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
Jacqueline, I am not sure why this happens. I know I was on a treatment regimen that was working. One day it was working great and the next, the bottom fell out. I am sorry that this happens to you because bipolar is tough enough to live with without worrying if your meds are going to stop working all of a sudden.
Natasha, I hope this works for you. You definitely deserve a reprieve from the hell this disorder puts you through xo
“fear of hope is a real thing because the aftereffects of hope can honestly try to kill you.”
I have tried many many meds, only to have very bad side-effects and could not stay on them. I am not brave enough to try anymore. They don’t like me.
Anhedonia is a killer for sure. That, in and of itself, makes it the most difficult part of managing life.
I really hope they work well for you.
I feel the same way! So much so that I don’t even tell someone when I’m starting a new med, not even family, for fear THEY might get their hopes up too. And while I’ve found things that have progressively helped me get better, still haven’t hit my goal yet (90% “good” days… Not close at all just yet) but meds are the only thing to seriously address my depression too, others are maintenance for actually living..
Talking about meds… Sometimes I seem to have finally found the right cocktail but then months or years later it all goes wrong and stops working? Does our brain eventually become immune to the medication, or is it my bi polar just getting worse and worse? xx
Ohhhh so true!! It’s terrifying and yet, we’re the bravest people on earth because we do it anyway. And I won’t even go into the hope thing. Thanks again Natasha for nailing it!