The Bipolar Burble welcomes author of Hopping Roller Coasters, Rachel Pappas for today’s guest post.
I wrote my memoir as an apology to my daughter, who I tore apart emotionally and verbally for years. But I also wrote the book to quiet some old ghosts. And I wanted to remind people fighting similar demons they are not alone.
My Ugly Dance
Probably like many of you, my “ugly dance” began ages ago – before I was old enough to know my own steps. I was following my very unhappy, sometimes untamably furious mother’s lead. I kept dancing once my daughter was born.
The red hot flashes would come on, the wires in my head would tighten, then pop, and I’d go at Marina. Later I’d kiss her tear-streaked cheek, tuck her in. Flip the light switch with the white kitty and sparkles, and hope my little girl would sleep soundly. Feel sick about what I’d just done, then do it again.
My sweet girl with the pixie cut and bangs accepted my apologies. Over and over.
Then Came Angry Adolescence
This was the start of the ground-rumbling, mother daughter meltdowns. Marina screaming with her fists clenched. The head banging and threats, because by now she was angrier than me. We had a long, rough ride … five schools in five years, a blur of ambulance rides and overnights in the ER. And two years locked in a residential treatment center for sick, angry kids.
After a decade of pushing to find better meds, better psychiatrists, better therapists for both of us, Marina and I have started to heal.
Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Ready to Take On My Mother
I think I’m ready to tune it out, just take a hit of my Tension Tamer tea. A few back and forths to my therapist for a quick fix, and I’m so close.
Then a call from my brother once Mom’s been on a marathon spiral, and I flash back … see him six years old, backed in a corner while she goes at him with his orange, plastic Hot Wheel tracks. I’m in my ugly dancing shoes again. I have a long, seething rant. Then I hate myself for hating her. Because this is who this woman is . . .
A mother who would tell her child she was going to read her obituary in the paper. Then come in her room the next night and pick her up because her child was sick. She held me, my long gangly legs dangling down her side while she cried herself, like she did every time one of her kids hurt.
I lob back and forth, between the orange Hot Wheel tracks, and my head on her shoulder while she rubbed my back. I volley between the mom screaming she’s going to drown the cat. And the one who hugged and kissed my dad, and danced with him in her bare feet–him in his slippers–in his last days.
She hasn’t changed in the 50 years I’ve known her; and probably never will. So guess who has to be the one to shift gears if she’s going to hang up her “ugly dance” shoes?
One of the hardest things in life is letting go. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.
The tricky part is figuring out what, or who, you can hold onto–or how to hold them at a distance that works. So at the same time, you can let go of what you need to leave behind.
Memoir Excerpt: Hopping Roller Coasters
“You used to tell me you probably had cancer,” Marina said. “Why did you say that to me, Mom. Why?!?”
A few tears spilled as she let herself go back in time, to when she was just five. Hearing her mother say she may be dying … leaving her alone and unprotected. Feeling her sad, angry eyes on me now, I want to kick myself in the ass. I’m speechless and ashamed–and touched. Touched that of all the things she had to get out in this family therapy session, it was the fear of losing me that came first.
Still, I couldn’t admit that I screwed up, though I could see it clearly now, and I started thinking again about other hideous things I’ve said to her. I squirmed in my seat, thinking about all the baggage she’s hauled over the years. And I remembered what her therapist, Ericka told me privately earlier: “She’s holding a lot inside. When it surfaces, she’s going to vomit it all out. It’s going to come gushing.”
I wasn’t sure if Marina could ever understand, even if I could admit my mistakes. I didn’t completely get it myself. But I remember growing up incensed about the make-believe games in our house. I hated the pretending.
“Rachel was angry, even as a child. It started way before there was tension in our home,” my Mom would tell relatives.
She didn’t remember her bad days, when she couldn’t bring the reins in.
“You’re going to wake up in a box!” she’d scream between clenched teeth, shaking her head agitatedly. You could practically visualize the internal wheels spinning as she paced with her dust cloth, thinking out loud under her breath …
“That’s a lie! I never said that!” she told me years later when I summoned up her demons and threw them in her face … I was furious. Why couldn’t’ she see I needed her to acknowledge it? I needed an apology, damn it.
Now it was my turn to dislodge my tail, the one I’d stuck between my legs just now, when my daughter exposed me in front of her father and therapist.
Instead I said, “I never said that to you, Marina.” I’d taken only a split second to process what I’d just heard.
“You DID!” she shrieked, her face burning red. “You used to tell me you had cancer.” The tears were flowing full force now.
I fell silent, but the memory was surfacing. I couldn’t fix it now. Still, my baby had to hear how very sorry I was.
For more excerpts or to order Hopping Roller Coasters at a discount: http://www.1uponcancer.com/rachels-memoir/
OMG
You’re me!
My reactions can be to something going on, but sometimes not. There will be one agitated uncontrolled burst after the other sometimes for weeks, months on end, with some time in between I can contain myself. Sometimes over things like hearing a fork crash to the ground, sometimes over very difficult situations. White tea and anti-depressants are definitely triggers, where I get real agitated and or “up.” Same when I did chemo. After the steroids I would be up for 72 hours – racing mind, agitated, etc.
Ralph,
Thanks for the info on immature adrenaline system over reactivity. Does seem there are so many different “conditions” and mechanisms for treating them that we have yet to figure out. So man things that seem to overlap.
I asked my psychiatrist a long time ago, are you sure I’m bipolar? I was thinking it may just be depression with extreme agitation and mismanaged anger. She claimed when the outbursts and internal wheel spinning was as severe and frequent as mine that it’s bipolar disorder.
What would be the main differences in bipolar and immature adrenaline system?
Frequent anger upsets? Does this mean you have them in response to day to day problems? And then you get over them until the next? If so, those are not due to bipolar disorder.
Bipolar anger comes out mostly during a manic high and will be accompanied by hyperactivity or excessive intrusion on others in your social network. It takes several days to weeks to recover; adrenaline based anger reactions can happen any time the “switch is turned on” and can stop when the adrenaline reaction is turned off.
Reading this was incredibly powerful. I have been both the angry dancer, and I have watched my son struggle through his own rages. To remember it physically hurts, but to begin to unweave the harm that was dealt is necessary to help him (and me) heal.
Hi 2ndverse,
Thanks for your comment. It’s difficult to admit to your part in the dance but it’s the only way to help heal, I believe.
Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
Sometimes violence and meltdowns are mistakenly associated with (or even are misdiagnosed as) bipolar. Sometimes those behaviors are due to a temporary agitated physical condition now known as “immature adrenaline system overreactivity”, which is not related to a mental illness. This condition can be easily treated without psych drugs. See the book (or website) Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child, by Doctor Ralph Ankenman for more information.
Dear Natasha very glad to find you. I have been having psychic experiences since I was eighteen. Full on. I have a near photographic memory. I have a genius IQ in two areas. I have been fired from more jobs than you can imagine. I have had to learn to swim with the fish. Two years after managing forty million in equity, for a big three firm, I was working at a big box building materials retailer, and driving a fork lift. Life is hard with BP II. May god bless you and your courage. I look forward to reading you in the future. Warmly, Heuristical maven.
Hi Neuristical Maven,
Nice to have you here. Welcome.
– Natasha Tracy
Puddles, Glad you are able to hold it together most of the time. Hey, who doesn’t slip sometimes?? I think it takes strength that you admit you’re not perfect and are so inspired to do what you have to to keep improving.
Thanks so much for your compliment of my work. It goes a long way with me when I hear this.
Best,
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
Oh, and just to be clear, I agree, we do all slip sometimes and I agree that it’s brave to admit you’re not perfect. I’m not perfect either. Damnit. :)
– Natasha Tracy
This stuff doesnt happen often, we are both pretty emotional people and tend to feed off each other. Most of the time i have the self control to walk away when i feel it starting. Its definitely about cumulative stresses which most of the time i handle pretty well. My son has his own issues too which we are going to sort out this year – just gotta wait the 3 months to get in to psych!
Im pretty on top of my illness as far as it goes. Im about to look at new medication which should hopefully help as well.
Rachel, im going to buy your book and read it! it sounds intersting and hopefully help me out on the parenting thing a bit too ;) it canbe super ahrd and i think you are brave for sharing your story as is Natasha.
Cheers guys and keep up the good work! you are certainly helping people :)
Hi Puddles,
Ah, the stress build-up, I totally understand that. I don’t get angry but I do get crazy :) I do think therapeutic tools can help built more healthful ways of dealing with stress and anger though – if you haven’t already tried that.
Good luck in waiting for the 3 months. I know how frustrating that can be but it’ll be here before you know it :)
– Natasha Tracy
This certainly rang true in a few aspects for me. I have a son and when i lose it i really lose it, he ends up sitting in the corner rocking in the fetal position as i hurl more and more abuse until i fall to pieces telling him sorry i am.
Its nice to know someone else struggles with this. I call it rage – it doesnt happen too often (thank god) but when i rage, look out cos everyone is in the firing line and that usually means my family. I can feel the heat rise through me and into my face before i fianlly snap.
thanks again for sharing this Natasha, im finding much comfort in reading your blogs :)
Hi Puddles,
I hope you are getting some help with that behavior because it sounds pretty destructive. It’s brave of you to admit to it here, now the next step is making it a thing of the past.
For my part I can say that I had a raging mother and it’s not the kind of thing you forgive easily.
I’m glad you’re finding comfort, I’m sure today’s guest author also appreciates your comment.
– Natasha Tracy
Puddles,
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve shared this kinda stuff with who have similar memories – whether it was they who treated their child this way, or their parent with anger management problems .. or both. Most people just don’t talk about it. I agree with Natasha; if you can get help to feel better, be who you want to be (or who you probably are, but just can’t act on it sometimes)
I admit, I rarely see my therapist now – money reasons mainly – so maybe I shouldn’t preach. Honestly, therapy itself did absolutely nothing because it’s a chemical thing – some drugs have helped a little. I think finding the right combination of drug(s), therapy, and things you can do to “train” yourself, can help. For me, it helps to surround myself with people I ant to be like, or get a collection of motivational quotes and READ them.
Also, I try to be very conscious of my triggers … though sometimes I still explode because it comes on so fast, even if I know ahead of time what spins me out. But little by little, this awareness has helped. Also, I think about the cumulative stresses during the day … for me is time management. I’m real slow at what I need to do and that stresses me. I don’t take time for some things that are good for me which stresses me more. My soothing teas, for example. Now I make myself take time to heat it up a few times a day, but while I wait for it, I vacuum one room and dust the table tops. Or take the time to swallow the 20 pills (herbal supplements) that sometimes I blow off So I have my tea, and a BONUS is I got stuff done! Feels good and I end up with less to be bitchy about. :)
Hope you feel better.
NATASH: Thtanks for posting my write up and for taking the time to let me know it’s LIVE!