Acceptance of Bipolar Disorder is a Process
I remember the day, or rather, the night, about 13 years ago when I discovered I had bipolar disorder. I did exactly what I tell people not to do: I went online and diagnosed myself. In my case, I happened to be right.
I remember the extreme pain, fear and shame I felt at realizing I had a mental illness. I remember the indignation I felt at the idea that I would have to take medication for the rest of my life. Mostly though, I remember the tears. I remember the candy apple-red face stained with hundreds of tears. That’s what I remember the most.
But that was 13 years ago and a lot has happened since. One thing I have learned though is that I didn’t accept my mental illness that night. Nor the next. I didn’t truly accept my mental illness for years.
Acceptance of a Mental Illness is a Process
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. – Mark Twain
The diagnosis of a mental illness is a loss. No, it’s not the loss of your mind, but it’s a loss. It’s a loss of your understanding of who you are. It’s a loss of how you see yourself. It’s a loss of control. It’s a loss of many things depending on the impact of your personal illness.
And losses beget grief. Or losses beget grieving, and grieving is a process.
Grieving a Mental Illness Diagnosis
As many therapists would tell you, grieving involves denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order and I would say all these things are present when trying to accept a mental illness.
Denial – I’m not sick. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.
Anger – Fuck this illness; fuck the doctors; fuck the medication; and fuck you too.
Bargaining – if I just go to therapy I won’t be sick any more.
Depression – I’m sick; I’ll always be sick; what’s the point?
Acceptance – OK, I’m sick. Now what?
It can take years to work through these stages. It’s easy to get stuck in any one of them, usually until life completely falls apart and it becomes apparent that being constantly angry, or in denial isn’t a sensible way to live.
Acceptance Isn’t a Finite Destination
And even once getting to acceptance, it’s easy to slip back into the other stages as other losses from the disorder become apparent. Perhaps the day you realize that you’re not going to be a mother because you can’t get off of meds long enough to carry a child you fall into anger for a while – and rightfully so.
Even today I wake some days mad at bipolar. As if that would help me in some way. As if that were rational. As if that were reasonable. But then, I reserve the right to be unreasonable at times.
Acceptance, then, is an everyday choice.
Yes, I accept that I have an illness, that I must take meds and I must do certain things to ensure my wellness; now what’s for breakfast?
And it’s actually not an easy choice to make. But I don’t care for any of the alternatives.
27 Responses to “Acceptance of Bipolar Disorder is a Process”
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My brother has been diagnosed as bipolar and is once again in the depression stage. He is in another state and is now basically looking to have family take him in. He has pretty much burned the bridges with all family members due to his behavior over the past several years and we are very concerned for him yet do not feel that he is a safe individual to have in our home. I know that this may sound cold – but he becomes so uncontrollably angry and scary that I would feel like I was putting my family in potential danger to have him move in. What can we do to help him? He hasn’t outright asked to move here, but he is making statements that he needs 24 hour care and can not afford it,and what can we do for him. So, how do I tell him no without causing more harm to his already depressed state of mind? He has cut ties with some other family members-so he is looking to me to help. My wife has already said that he cannot , and I agree that I cannot put my family at risk – yet he is family too. Help!!
Hi jOANNE,
That’s a tough spot. Many others have been where you are. There’s no “right” answer, of course, but there are some things you might try.
It’s understandable that you don’t want your brother living with you. You might have many reasons for this, but it’s OK. Sometimes we can’t take people in. Sometimes we have to put ourselves and our families first. And that’s OK.
What I recommend is trying to make a care plan that provides more care for your brother but yet is still on his own. There are many services that can help with this that he may not be accessing. It can be a battle to access some services, but it may be worth it for you as an alternative to your brother moving in.
Firstly I would recommend connecting with mental health organizations that are local to where your brother lives. These are the organizations that can help you access local services. Maybe if you brother was in a day program for some time, he would feel more confident living on his own. Many programs are specifically designed to help people develop the skills to live on their own. Try a local NAMI chapter, they should be able to direct you to other services. Also keep in mind many services are provided on a sliding scale.
You can also use this mental health services finder that may be able to help you: http://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
Also, instead of moving home, maybe your brother could just live near you, or another supportive person. That way you can support your brother more, but not by providing housing.
In short, many people and organizations are dedicated to helping people live on their own so try to divide the support duties between people and build your brother’s confidence so he can take care of himself.
I hope that helps.
- Natasha Tracy
What a great post. I feel like I’m nearly there, I feel like I’ve finally accepted it. But what I find now is loved ones who have not accepted it. That makes it difficult for me to.
Hi Raine,
We can’t allow our own acceptance to be driven by others otherwise some of us would never get there. As they say in, other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.
I understand how hard it is not to have family support on something this important, but we can find support elsewhere to help hold us up. Sometimes we need to choose our family supports and sometimes they’re not related to us :)
(Did you read this? Maybe it would help: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2012/02/telling-your-family-you-have-a-mental-illness-you-are-not-ok/ )
- Natasha Tracy
Thank you for sending me that link. It does help. I agree with “other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.” I need to remember that.
Raine
Hi Raine,
Glad I could help.
- Natasha
Love the blog! I like finding all these to follow.
Thanks Tiffany – welcome.
- Natasha Tracy
Thank you to everyone for all your comments, All moot for me at the moment as a close friend is hypomanic and very near full-blown mania. She’s a prime example of denial in action…
Hi David,
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope she stays safe until the situation can be rectified.
- Natasha Tracy
I needed to read this today. I was also diagnosed with bipolar 14 yrs ago & have come to acceptance (albeit slowly). My brother is also bipolar but refuses to acknowledge it. I am going to copy this & give it to him to read.
Hi Amy,
Glad to help. Sometimes we all need a reminder :)
I hope it gives you brother something to think about.
- Natasha Tracy
This is a poignant and meaningful description of the process. Thank you. Candida
Thank-you Candida, I appreciate that.
- Natasha Tracy
I was sexually assaulted in my early 20′s, and married not too long after. We already had 2 daughters, ages 2 & 1. It wasn’t long after we got married that i started with the extreme mood swings, which I put off as PMS, as I had horrible cycles. Approximately when i turned 30ish, my husband started telling me I was bipolar. I refused to believe it bcz of the stigma attached. I self medicated with alcohol to deal with the mania and to deal with the depression. The swings got progressively worse, as did the drinking, as the years went on, until the year going from 38 to 39. That year was a complete downward spiral. When I was 39, during depressive episodes, I tried to committ suicide twice in 3 months. It was that 2nd attempt that led me to get assessed & treated for bipolar & alcoholism. I accepted it for 6 months & when it came close for the finalization of my divorce (which I lost my husband
& custody of my kids due to my illness), I relapsed in the alcoholism & got to the point of “This Damn illness that God gave me caused me to lose everything else He gave me. What’s the point of me living? I have nothing to lose.” I sunk into another depression & again tried to commit suicide, 3rd time in a year span. I was in the psych Hosp for a week & put on new meds. I’ve once again “accepted” my illness, but this time, I’m reading, researching, & looking into bipolar support groups to attend. Hopefully this is what will make the difference.
Hi Brinda,
You story sounds like a hard one. But it also sounds like you’ve come out the other side. Good for you. You might find that reaching out and learning is the key to not going back to your old unhealthy habits. Knowledge is power and empowerment can keep you strong. And don’t forget, there are lots of people out there that want to help you if you feel yourself slipping. Maybe a support group would be a good choice for you.
- Natasha Tracy
I keep writing, then deleting. This comment will never get done (haha)..Bipolar has such a stigma attached to it. Will the day ever come when we can actually let our bosses/co-workers know?
Hi Jan,
I think we’re in the beginnings of mental illness awareness. And it’s true, we can’t go around announcing that we have an illness _right_now_. But yes, I hope one day we will get to the place when it will no longer be an issue.
We’re just not quite there yet.
- Natasha Tracy
It took me eight months to get to a point where I could say that I have bipolar disorder and that was to my Dr. I was deeply ashamed, but relieved to finally get some help from people who did more than feed me Prozac. Sometimes I still wonder why bother, I’ll never be well because there is no well only management. Still, I do not ever want to return to the way I was before I was diagnosed.
HI April,
I can understand taking months before being able to say you have bipolar. It’s a very hard thing to say because saying it makes it real and it’s a reality that no one wants. And I understand feeling shame, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of.
“Sometimes I still wonder why bother, I’ll never be well because there is no well only management. Still, I do not ever want to return to the way I was before I was diagnosed.”
You will be well, just a different kind of well than you might have been before. We all have to change our expectations with what happens to us in life. And bipolar happens. It requires adjustment. But we can get through that.
- Natasha Tracy
Social rhythm therapy has a very interesting idea about the grief involved with bipolar disorder, which is the sense of loss of the person we might have been if we weren’t bipolar. It treats this loss just like any other grieving process. This always stuck with me, and I try to catch myself when I start thinking about what things would be like if I had never been bipolar.
I find myself going through these stages, too, though I find myself bopping around from one to the other rather than having it be linear.
Hi Daniel,
I agree completely. The grieving does has to do with grieving who you would have been without the illness. I didn’t realize social rhythm therapy had anything to say on the matter at all.
And absolutely, people bop from one phase to another. That’s pretty normal.
- Natasha Tracy
My well-liked therapist for dual disorder gently handed me printed pages from DSM-IV on bp II and, together, we slowly read thru the symptoms. It fit me. It was not a sad moment. For me, I found it interesting and I was disappointed that I had not diagnosed myself, years before. :)
I was fortunate and accept it quickly. Maybe because only hypo? Soon after, while further exploring bp, I found some excellent info on a forum (don’t remember which) late at night and I found tears streaming down my face as I read paragraph after paragraph that fit me well. The thought that kept going thru my head was…”well, no wonder why i did/felt this or that. Somehow it was comforting.
Hi Pam,
I wish more doctors/therapists would perform that exercise because as it stands, there is often a big mystery around diagnosis when they’re needn’t be one. Of course, there are factors that doctors take into account outside the DSM but at least that gives everyone a starting place.
And yes, even through the pain I think there is some comfort in understand why things have been they way they’ve been. Understanding of the darkness, I suppose.
- Natasha Tracy
acceptance of the illness is the key, until one has done that there is no chance of medication or any other form of therapy ever working
Hi David,
I don’t know if that’s true but I suspect you have little chance at living a happy life until acceptance is at least partially achieved.
- Natasha
it’s what has (eventually) worked for me; same principle as the AA/NA Step 1, saying “I am alcoholic/addict”?