September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and so I want to talk suicide and bipolar. But I don’t just want to talk about suicide and bipolar disorder, I want to straight talk about it. I don’t want to get caught up in stigma or political correctness or whitewashing the pain. Because I believe we need to really talk about suicide to show that suicide is not a dirty word and to help all those who struggle with it.
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It’s important to know that you can, and should, call or text a hotline (formally known in the U.S. as Lifeline) even if you’re not suicidal but are experiencing emotional distress. I’m serious about this. You don’t have to wait until you’re on death’s door to talk to a professional crisis worker. Yes, I know their title is “crisis” worker but really what they are is educated people that are there to help you when you need help – whether you’re formally in a “crisis” or not. In fact, calling or texting a hotline, Lifeline, when you’re not suicidal might be the best thing you can do to save your own life.
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There are different types of suicidal depressions and one type is the passive suicidal depression. It’s the kind of suicidal depression where you want to die, you just don’t want to kill yourself. (As I’ve written about before, here: The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die.) Passive suicidal depression tends to take forms such as the very common one of not wanting to wake up in the morning.
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Last week I tattooed over my suicide attempt scars. This isn’t because I wanted to cover every scar on my body – quite frankly, I have tens of self-harm scars – this is for other reasons. Covering specifically my suicide attempt scars with a tattoo is symbolic. I consider it positive and I hope its permanency will remind me of its positivity for the rest of my life.
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I want to be dead. I live with wanting to be dead every day. It’s this thought that constantly plagues my mind: “I want to be dead.” I want to not be here. I want to go home. I want anything that will end the suffering. Living with wanting to be dead is, well, a bitch.
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Suicide is, sadly, something that happens every day. And while, in many cases, we will never know why the person chose to take his or her life, in some cases, suicide seems to be caused by, or at least partially contributed by, someone else telling the person to commit suicide. Such is said to be the case of a recent suicide in San Antonio which may have been part of the “Blue Whale Challenge” or “Blue Whale Game”. Think no one would kill themselves because someone told them to? The evidence, and I, beg to differ.
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There is no amount of bipolar pain that can kill you, we have the ultimate power over suicide. I have suffered and suffered and suffered for so long that I know this to be true. Yes, people attempt/commit suicide, I know. But it isn’t because of the amount of pain, per se, it’s because they don’t see a way out of it. Because emotionally, I can hit you and hit you and hit you and you just won’t, cannot, die. Some days I wish this weren’t true. Some days I wish that the extreme pain would just kill me, that I would just get walloped that one last time and die. Like running into the final brick wall that bipolar offers only to find it really took my head clean off. I have learned, though, that I have the ultimate power over a death by suicide.
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Bipolar disorder is a deadly illness – make no mistake about it. Approximately 11% of those with bipolar die of suicide while up to 50% attempt suicide. This is something to be taken very, very seriously. I am one of those who have attempted suicide and I know about the importance of treating a suicidal crisis the right way, the humane way, the way that actually works to make people better.
I also know how infrequently this happens. I also know how people find going to the hospital a negative experience. I also know how some people have experienced dehumanizing treatment after experiencing a suicidal crisis. It seems that healthcare professionals forget that suicidal crises are a symptom of a serious illness and not a behavior simply committed to inconvenience them.
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The Bipolar Burble welcomes guest post writer Kerry Martin who has started multiple non-profits, lives with bipolar disorder and is a three-time suicide attempt survivor. She bravely shares her story.
I’m gay. I’m bipolar. And, I’m a three-time suicide survivor. Today, I’m out. I’m proud. And, I’m still alive and kicking. But I used to be closeted, ashamed and suicidal. While I wasn’t diagnosed as bipolar until my early 40s, I have always struggled with depression and have tried to take my life not once, not twice but three times.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the first step to suicide prevention is removing the stigma by starting the conversation.
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