When you think about your history, what do you wish your (or other) parents knew about bipolar disorder or mental illness? My parents, like many people, knew nothing about bipolar disorder and this, undoubtedly, harmed me. Their lack of knowledge and lack of openness about their own mental health/illness history made my life and my bipolar journey much harder than it had to be. Here’s what I wish my parents, and other parents, knew about bipolar disorder and mental illness.
1. I Wish Parents Knew Mental Illness Is Real
I was raised to believe that mental illness, bipolar disorder, didn’t exist. I truly thought, thanks to how I was raised, that people who said they had depression were just weak people who couldn’t handle their own lives. I didn’t think depression was a real illness. But mental illness is real and I wish parents understood that.
2. I Wish Parents Knew that Children Get Mental Illnesses Too
Even for parents who recognize that mental illness is real, they may not recognize that mental illness happens in children, too. In fact, about 1% of adolescents and 0.2-0.4% of children have bipolar type one.
3. I Wish Parents Would Understand How Important It Is to Talk About Mental Illness
Now, given that my parents gave off the impression that mental illness didn’t exist it, obviously, wasn’t likely that they were about to talk about it; but I wish, when I was young, that my parents would have talked about mental illness or, at least, mental health. At least then I would have known not to hide signs of a mental illness and at least I would have known what could have been wrong and to get help when I needed it.
4. I Wish Parents Would Talk About Their Mental Illness Histories
Now, as it happens, my mother doesn’t have a history of mental illness in her family but my father sure does. Among other things, my father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after he admitted himself into the hospital after, perhaps, what one might call a breakdown. He told no one of his bipolar diagnosis – not his wife and not his children — but I really wish he had of told me about that and other mental illness history in the family. It would have made diagnosing me 100 times easier and obvious. It would have saved me so much suffering with a misdiagnosis. No matter how embarrassed a parent may be about their, or another family member’s mental illness, it’s critical for a child to know their own mental health history as it’s just as critical as any other part of their health history.
5. I Wish Parents Knew How to Spot Bipolar or Another Mental Illness in Their Child
If you were to ask my mother today, she will tell you that, even from a young age, my behavior was unusual and I appeared to have both hypomanias and depressions, even as a child. Of course, at the time she knew nothing about mental illness and had no idea what she was seeing but I really wish parents knew how to spot bipolar disorder in their child and didn’t let their fear that something might be wrong with their child stand in the way. That’s not fair for the child and deprives them of the help they need.
6. I Wish Parents Believed in Medical Help for the Brain
My mother was not anti-counselling but she was anti-doctor so while I did see therapists as a child, I never saw any medical professional who might be able to effectively diagnose a child with mental illness. She never, ever, believed in medical help for the brain — and a mental illness is just a disorder of the brain. And what we know, of course, is that the brain is just an organ and it can be sick just like any other and parents need to know that brains need medical help, too.
7. I Wish Parents Knew that a Mentally Ill Child Is Not Their Fault
My parents would have seen a mentally ill child as a huge black spot in their lives and my mother, in particular, would have likely blamed herself if her child was “broken.” But bipolar disorder and mental illness is not generally caused by parenting – even poor parenting. You cannot blame the parents for the mental illness. You just can’t. (Yes, there are exceptions, such as in cases where parents traumatized the children and caused posttraumatic stress disorder, but that is certainly the exception.)
8. I Wish Parents Knew that Help Was Available, I Wish They Knew About the Right Help
And I wish, after seeing a hurting child, parents would know that medical help is available and that help does not come from a school counsellor. (School counsellors can be part of a treatment team but they can’t primarily help a child with a mental illness.) I wish parents knew they were not and should not be alone in the fight against mental illness, bipolar disorder.
What Parents Should Know About Bipolar and Mental Illness
Those are the top eight things that come to mind that I wish my parents had of known about bipolar disorder and mental illness, but there are oh-so-many more. What do you wish parents knew about bipolar disorder and mental illness?
If you’re a parent with a mentally ill child, please check out The Balanced Mind Parent Network for information and support.
~ My father was a violent alcoholic; my mother was mentally ill and also very violent. She even beat my father up! She didn’t get on any medication for her mental illness until she was in her fifties. I’m in my seventies and have spent (and continue to) most of my life figuring out my own mental illness(s). I take med’s for depression and anxiety but can’t figure out if I’m bi-polar. I wish there was an eat way to get a clear diagnosis. Getting a good nights sleep makes me feel so much better but have trouble doing that without sleeping pills. I wish I knew what to do about that. It would make things so much easier (cause then I can at least think).
Things I wish every person remembered about growing up.
1. Kids are not as adept at dealing with situations, or knowing how to explain them, so stop acting like they are.
2. Kids, aren’t made to feel they have choices, in virtually every aspect of their life. I don’t know the best way to improve this, but it should be, and this should also be taken into account.
3. Kids, become adults, and this perfectly “behaved” kid, may turn into a very aimless, and insecure adult. So stop trying to mold them into that.
4. The, futer is going to happen, so just encourage kids to be the best, they can be because in retrospect, a lot of the stuff people focus on will become apparently meaningless.
Two things: First my father has been incredibly supportive. During my last stay in hospital he visited me twice daily and continues to check in with me He made an effort to educate himself on bipolar and mental illness. He got in touch with a support group – not just to support his own needs but to understand the best things he can do.
Second: my mom was obviously mentally ill. This affected her ability to parent me and I lived with a great deal of difficulty growing up that I perhaps would otherwise not have had to face.I have been unable to get past this; I have a lot of bitterness towards the woman regarding her parenting choices. I have made the effort not to be the same woman as she – especially when it comes to my relationship with my own children. But I know my own bipolar has dictated in a great part the mother I am. Thankfully, I can talk about it with my now adult children.
Things I wish people knew about mental distress/illness (irrespective of whether or not they are parents):
1.) It’s not ALL in our heads and it is not ALL biological: If a woman gets raped, the perception of the rape, the penetration and the pain are all located in her brain. Where else could they be? Does that mean the rape is all in her head? No. It is something that is associated with the external world. Whether or not you have a psychiatric diagnosis, people have problems in living which vary in intensity from person to person.
2.)Psychiatrists/psychologists/mental health professionals can only do so much:
a.) Prescribing psychotropic drugs: Psychotropic drugs reduce the mental feeling of distress. They can help you function better. But they will not solve your problems apart from that.
b.) “Therapy” can only be useful to a certain extent:
A case where therapy can be useful: Let’s say you have an obsessive fear of contracting germs. Exposure and response prevention where a person is acclimated to touching objects and realising that it is a largely an irrational feeling helps. This is the sort of therapy that may be useful.
Apart from that a lot of “therapy” consists of just listening and talking. Sure, it may be a comfort to have someone listen to you. But again, there’s only so much it can do. Ultimately you have to solve your own problems. If you go on and on about your problems, even a psychologist/psychiatrist will get tired and either give you rhetoric or tell you to just learn to deal with your problems. A psychiatrist cannot unrape you if you’ve been raped. He will not give you money to solve your financial problems. He cannot bring back lost time. He may not be able to change an abusive parent/husband/partner. There are a lot of things which may be important to you, that the mental health field can almost do nothing about.
3.) Psychiatric labels are descriptive and the labelled are not a homogenous group: There is no fixed entity called bipolar disorder. It is not a homogenous group (and yes, I am aware that this could also be said for something like asthma). It is a descriptive label that says you’ve experienced depression and mania. The causal factors for those mental states vary from person to person. Someone might take antidepressants (SSRIs) for depression or anxiety, experience an antidepressant induced manic episode (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15289250), and he will be diagnosed bipolar even though he does not experience mania at all unless they are SSRI induced. Someone’s father may have died, and he may have a spontaneous mania and thus be diagnosed bipolar. Someone might have depression with hardly any mania (or mild hypomania or antidepressant induced mania) and be diagnosed bipolar. The pathways to a bipolar diagnosis are many. People with a certain psychiatric label also vary in terms of their personalities, functionality, the problems in living they have, their relationships with people, their successes and failures etc. All of these have an effect on why and how you feel mental distress/depression/anxiety .
So, for example, a lot of Natasha Tracy’s experiences might apply to her, but cannot be generalised to everyone even if they have a bipolar diagnosis.
4.) People with psychiatric labels are not “crazy”, at least not in the way most people think: For example, the very fact that some like Natasha Tracy is able to write her blogs in an articulate fashion sheds some light on this. We are not some violent morons who will act like lunatics. People with psychiatric labels can be thoughtful, think clearly and be rational. Sure, there may be moments of distress which colours people’s thought processes. But this may be momentary and time limited (other than in very severe cases).
5.) People with psychiatric labels feel distressed and feel depressed due to things happening to them, events in their lives, and the way they are treated by people, the social situations they are in, their situations in life, and it is not always their biology that’s at fault. People with psychiatric labels are people too.
6.) People with psychiatric labels ought to be seen as people and not through the prism of their diagnoses alone and be prejudged based on them.
This article has been really thought provoking for me. I’ve been under psychiatrist’s since I was 14. Interestingly, my mum who was a young mum thought I was attention seeking. Yet my gran was very honest and told me she didn’t understand what was going on took me to every appointment with out fail.
When she was about 5 I began to notice a change in her behaviour. I approached her class teacher, the school senco, my g.p. Barbados family support, social services. Every one I could think of. Each time I was told I was looking for something to be wrong with her. Eventually my youngest child’s health visitor helped me get her seen by cahms at the age of 7.
We attended every week for 8 weeks to be told at the end she was emotionally undeveloped. I was so glad I had listened to my gut instinct and not backed down. I thought she would now get the help she needed. Instead we were sent away and told to ignore her whenever she did something we didn’t like and praise the behaviour we wanted.
In theory that was great, but my girl was Ill not stupid. She knew what we were doing when we ignored her. Plus it really didn’t help that I was inconsistent in following the advice because I was struggling with bp (down days had hit). Now her outburst when she was being ignored were getting more aggressive and often violent towards herself and who ever went near her.
On two occasions in the space of a week she hurt her sister who was 2 resulting in hospital visits for fractures. The following week she smashed her money box in temper and when her brother aged 5 went to pass her she hit out at him. She ended up slicing him deeply with a piece of the money box she had picked up.
Once id calmed everything down I rang the cahms team for advice. I explained the situation, and my own inability to be consistent due to my mental state and asked if they could refer us to social services for a bit of extra support or could they provide some until I was back on my feet.
The person I was talking to left me speechless. Not only did he refuse to refer us to s.services and say that there was nothing cahms could do but he told me life was like a game of snakes and ladders and I had to learn to ride through the ups and downs. Hilarious looking back now because that’s all I’d ever done anyway!
Anyway fast forward 5 years. I get Ill and my family had to step in to look after my children. I eventually make the decision that it at would be better for them if they stayed with my parents long term so they could have some stability.
6 months after this decision my mum phoned me to say my daughter had ‘had a tantrum’ and tried to jump out of the car while it was moving. She had managed to get her assessed by a cahms dr who believed her behaviour was learned from me. Which i know was very possible. I had just come out of hospital so she went to her dads. 2 months later I received a call from s.services to say he had rung them and said he could no longer keep her because she was arguing with his wife and other children.
I knew I wasn’t in a position to look after her properly because I wasn’t looking afterwards myself. I made the heartbreaking decision to place her in foster care voluntarily. She was 12 and because I never his my illness from her or her siblings she understood why I made that decision.
Unfortunately, the rejection she felt from my parents and her father affected her so badly that her behaviour became seriously challenging for the carers and me when I saw her. I tried to make sure we had at least 2 visits a week minimum regardless of how ill I was.
In those visits we had some really honest conversations about everything. I got to know the person my daughter is. We laughed and cried so much. She began to open up about her feelings and what went on in her head. Frighteningly many of the thought processes I experience she did too. But when she lived with me and her siblings she had placed pressure on herself because she felt as the oldest girl that she had to step up and be responsible for the others until I was well enough to again. I didn’t notice it at the time but looking back she was my rock.
The foster carer’s have been brilliant. The relationship we have all built is amazing. They got copies of her cahms report and between them, my partner and I we have worked together to try and help her unlearn the behaviour.
She has been with the carers now for 2 years. We have her to stay every week end. The carers have expressed concerns to the social workers involved about her presentation mentally. They have to keep detailed records and some of her behaviour is a real worry.
Referalls have been made again for her to see some onr. She saw some one at start of the year who told the carers he believes she may have a mental illness but he didn’t want to commit to it because she was also going through teenage changes which could be responsible for her behaviour.
Im sorry for such a long comment but I really wanted to draw attention to the other side of article. My girl is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. I’ve tried, my parents, social services herr school and now she has started going to a young persons service to see if they can help her.
Its not always a case of parents not recognising or acting to get a child’s mental health assessed. I have fought for her since she was five and will continue to until she tells me to stop. I know many other parents some with and some without their own mental illnesses who face the same situation. And all voice similar feelings. Its their psrenting.
I think that in today’s society which in many aspects is a blame culture its easy for parents to be blamed for their children’s behaviours, thoughts, the things they say because nobody else other than the parent has to take responsibility then. Its hardly surprising some parents prefer to bury their head in the sand and ignore the issue. But by the same token i also acknowledge that some parents are rresponsible for their children’s mental states.
A balance needs to be struck so that children who need to access my services can do so without parents being worried.
I come from a very dysfunctional family with generations of physical, mental, emotional and alcohol abuse. Since my bipolar diagnosis, I have looked with a critical eye at how my mother’s drastic mood swings throughout my childhood could have been undiagnosed bipolar. My mother saw her mother’s moods go from one pole to the other as a child. Why would it be abnormal for my mother’s moods to be that way, too? I think that for a lot of parents, they lack the education/information about mental illness in general. They think that it is just the way Uncle Louie is – he has always been like that. Did anybody in the family ever stop and wonder if Uncle Louie had a mental illness? No, because 1) it was probably swept under the rug out of embarrassment to the family or 2) they were uneducated or lacked the information.
Sandi,
I think most bipolar people can look into their life history and find a combination of chronic stressful or traumatic circumstances that existed during their childhood. However, that isn’t the same as saying “the parents are to blame”. Family is who most children are with much of the time, but so are other kids and other adults.
My parents were and are very kind and generous people. They’ve always been supportive and when I was very depressed as an adolescent I convinced myself several times to continue living because I felt that I had a duty to them given how much love they had shown me. They didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I’m grateful to have had that anchor.
I was surrounded by other kids that were abusive to me. I didn’t tell my parents about it because I knew they couldn’t do anything about it. People wouldn’t touch me, or call me by my given name, or even let me be within a certain distance of them. The teachers turned a blind eye to it because I didn’t complain to them, either. I think that lasted from about ages 7 to 15.
For some people, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. But if you also have a predisposition towards a mental illness, you have a weakness. People, not my parents – my teachers – would, on the three occasions I did break down emotionally over that period, tell me essentially “you need to toughen up”. Which, I did, outwardly; unfortunately.
But then, if you have a predisposition to mental illness, something will come along to push you over the edge. Life isn’t perfect. I don’t know, there may be any number of people waking around with a mild predisposition that were lucky and didn’t hit the wrong circumstances. But, that isn’t different from people with a predisposition to get cancer. Some of them will get lucky, and the wrong thing won’t happen.
The belief that mental illness is caused by bad parenting isn’t true or false. It’s irrelevant. If it’s true, what is the fix? Good parenting. But, do you need to believe mental illness is caused by bad parenting to be pro-good parenting? No, it’s irrelevant. Everyone is pro-good parenting already. So, in that sense, your belief serves no purpose.
However, your belief is toxic when you apply it retroactively to the family of someone with mental illness. Why are you mentally ill? Your parents suck. But, even if it’s strained, most people feel obligated to remain in contact with their parents. So, is it a good idea to add a toxic idea into that relationship? Do you think people with illness that have parents who suck don’t hold a grudge already? And that helps them how? Most people, not just ill people, are trying to let go of that grudge. But, thanks for reinforcing it. Thanksgiving dinner is going to be much more likely to go well, now.
Or, you could have parents like mine, who suck to the extent that I was able to decieve them. I’m a very bright person. They were loving and hope filled parents. It wasn’t a hard deception. Thanks for making me want to hate them because they weren’t more perceptive.
You’re speaking from an inauthentic voice. I don’t think you’ve been depressed at the brink of suicide or manic at the brink of disaster. If you’ve been with such people, you aren’t empathizing with them. That is understandable if an ill person has caused a lot of trauma in your life, but it’s still not helpful to the rest of us. Maybe I’m wrong.
For me, anyway, I need to be clear about what the health-effects of ideas are going to be in my life. Truth is a luxury which is readily abandoned in times of desperation, by everyone. Ill people are desperate much of the time. It’s a misconception that the truth is the best thing, that searching for objectively right answers leads to the best outcomes. That is a conceit of scientific thinking inappropriately abstracted to where it doesn’t belong, when you’re discussing the stories people should tell themselves about who they are.
People are not objects to be studied from a distance, or experiments to be described. At least, not by you, and not in this context. Actual doctors and scientists are more considerate when they talk about ill people in the presence of ill people. That is common courtesy. Consider that example.
What may I have been misdiagnosed with?
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. It currently resembles a large dictionary. In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders. Further confusion arises in the case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), as well as obsessive/compulsive disorder, which is sometimes more accurately described as an excessive, fixated flight response to trauma. This is also true of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and some dissociative disorders which are similarly excessive, fixated freeze responses to trauma……………
Funny, both I and one of my closest friends were raised with some of the best parents anyone could ask for- deeply loving, kind, considerate, intelligent, funny. Neither of us has any childhood traumas to speak of, or a history of ANY kind of abuse.
Yet we BOTH have ADHD that is quite severe (as well as sensory processing disorder and other issues.) And while mine wasn’t diagnosed until I was 48, I struggled with the VERY obvious symptoms my entire life without having the slightest clue why life was so much harder for me than everyone else, despite being gifted, talented, and creative.
By the way, researchers have already identified some of the genes associated with ADHD, which *should* just shut everyone up about it already, but I see we still have people who live in the Dark Ages, denying it’s existence or blaming it on everything ELSE in the world except the fact that it is a genetically based neurodevelopmental disorder.
agree with sandi
What may I have been misdiagnosed with?
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. It currently resembles a large dictionary. In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders. Further confusion arises in the case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), as well as obsessive/compulsive disorder, which is sometimes more accurately described as an excessive, fixated flight response to trauma. This is also true of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and some dissociative disorders which are similarly excessive, fixated freeze responses to trauma. http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
This is in response to the comments that Sandi made. Your ignorance is exactly why alot of people do not discuss Mental illness. I don’t know if you or a family member has Mental illness and you are in denial but you are way off base. It has been Scientifically proven that Mental illness has a genetic origin. This whole article is about what you are spouting. I’m sorry that you feel this way and I hope and pray that your words do not do any further damage to someone who may be already hurting. The writer is right on, Mental health should be discussed. Many people are not diagnosed soon enough or correctly because of it. It took me 20 years to get a correct diagnosis of Bipolar. It was only until my son, yes children do get mental illness, for me to get the help I needed. I still struggle and my son does as well but we are open about this. I hope that some day people realize what is the reality of mental illness. Approximately 1 in 4 people every year will deal with some form of mental illness. That is from scientific research. Good luck, keep talking and help others to be tolerant.
Chuck
“It has been Scientifically proven that Mental illness has a genetic origin. ”
so, let me get this right all mental illness has a genetic origin…. Please provide me with the scientific links.
This is just one web page that I quickly found. What I specifically talking about was the link bet
Bipolar disorder, depression and schizophrenia. There are numerous other articles about this. I may have been a little to general with regards with that statement but the article is about Bipolar after all.
http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm
Chuck
First of all Medicine net is owned by Web MD which is known by many to push the drugs of its many sponsors which are pharmaceutical companies. Secondly you have not provided me with one scientific link as to your assumption that the maladies you listed are all genetically based. I will wait until you do. Until then Please do not make such grandiose statements. Many of us have children and parents that are completely fine..Is there a genetic component? I believe there may be, especially if both parents have it but the science is not definite about it… Studies of twins have shown that while one twin from a family of bipolar individuals will develop bipolar, the other twin will not. As I stated I await your links to science based studies and not articles from pharma owned companies.
Chuck, it has never been proven that genetics have anything to do with mental illness. As someone who has suffered tremendously from mental illness, I can tell you it was brought on by my abusive parents and exacerbated by psychiatric drugs. It took me awhile to grow up, face reality and take charge of my life, but i’m glad I finally did. That being said, it was easier for me to believe that I was just chemically imbalanced in a genetic way, but after almost 2 decades of so many psychiatric drugs and ect treatments, it was either die or finally face my demons. I chose to face my demons, to stand up to my abusive family and treat myself with the respect and dignity I always deserved. Bad parenting DOES cause mental illnesses and it’s time our society has an open discussion about the devastating effects of child abuse instead of perpetuating the abuse with bad psychiatry.
Tas,
I have been saying the same for years with what happened to me… Here are some links as to the correlation regarding mental illness and parental upbringing.
http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/06/03/brain-changes-from-child-abuse-tied-to-adult-mental-illness-sexual-problems/55556.html
http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/02/health/shu-spanking-mental-illness/
https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/Spanking-Linked-to-Mental-Illness.aspx
http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/10/psychological-abuse.aspx
These are just a few , but I can list many more links from respected sources as to the link in so many cases of mental illness including bipolar and personality disorders to the abuse of children… I was treated like barnyard animal, molested by an adult and emotionally abused for many years and traumatized by a parent who tried to kill me 4 times, with the last one almost doing me in. I had disassociated from those years and through therapy and hypnosis started a journey of remembering. I went down this path because of severe anxiety and manic depression (name changed to bipolar.) . My career which I scraped and scratched to make something of myself with the baggage I was carrying came to a crash when my son was born. the floodgates of many memories started to open. I am 60 and still I am remembering abuses that happened decades ago.
Hi Tas,
Actually, there is copious science behind the genetics of bipolar. You can read about it here: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/2004136-overview
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha
Thanks for the massive trigger. My son is perfectly fine at the age of 26 and now I read he has an 80 percent chance of getting it according to that one paper. I can cite articles that say high anxiety from youth can also be responsible for bipolar disorder.. I prefer to cite what Dr. Pete Walker who is renowned in the complex PTSD field has to say……Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. It currently resembles a large dictionary. In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar………
http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
I used to ruminate about my son coming down with what I have but there is no family history of BP disorder…..I have no idea what I would do if he came down with it… However I have a serious case of complex PTSD and know in my heart that terrible anxieties from my youth and the torture and molestation contributed or if not were the cause of my disorder.
So, according to the gene theory, I just wasn’t genetically strong enough to handle physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I can’t wait until psychiatrists can genetically test everyone’s newborn to determine which children can be abused and which children should be loved since abuse might trigger bipolar in the genetically flawed.
From the ASCA website….
Below is a list of a range of psychological conditions that are associated with child abuse. Please read on to find out more about them.
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Panic attacks
Depression
Dissociation
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Bipolar
Schizophrenia
Eating disorders
Personality disorders
“But bipolar disorder and mental illness is not generally caused by parenting – even poor parenting.”
I have to disagree. A lot of the things I read says that grandiose and depressed cycles have a LOT to do with parenting, or at least society in general. Childhood needs are stifled so the child, also prevented from expressing his anger at those who denied him his needs, cycles between feelings of worthlessness and grandiosity and excitement.
Read Alice Miller’s books ( The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting, For Your Own Good, the Drama of the Gifted Child, etc), and see what I mean,
It’s obvious to me that the reason the mental health advocacy system is so bent on proving a “genetic” or “biological” cause for bipolar and other head ailments is because it wants to cover up the fact that society- in particular, unfairness and repression- is the cause of a LOT of the bipolar and other things.
THIS is why so many “mentally ill” people do not think they are mentally ill. It’s because they really are not. As destructive as their behaviour may be, it is not insanity because their perceptions are wrong, and, when their thoughts are taken in context (of what they have been taught, expereinced, etc), they totally make sense.
Bipolar “advocates” who whine about how “offensive” it is when people claim their bipolar isn’t caused by genetics (or that it wasn’t curable…or- gasp- didn’t even exist) always used to stump me. Now I understand. They are being pushed by the mental health “advocate” groups to shut down any possibility that the REAL (social and philosophical) causes of their feelings are discovered.
Bipolar feelings are real and the pain is real. I just think the cause is different than genetics and there is ample and obvious motives for our society and those in power (who are causing societal injustice and harm) to cover up the fact that THEY are the ones causing this.
Since bipolars- like most other people- repress their emotional needs adn their memories of how their society tormented them as children, they are forced to accept that “genetics” caused their bipolar because they have blocked out the chidhood memories and how they caused them to get where they are today.
Where bipolar advocacy groups chant the “it’s your genetics; get medicated!” line, I ask bipolars to look into a different cause: social and philosophical and ethical ills and how they are perpetrated on children, and I ask people to consider that meds only mask the problem and hide the solution, which is to uncover and work with the repressed child and his needs and the problems with society.
After all, aren’t the victims of society always the ones who are diagnosed, as if they are the cause of their unhappiness, rather than the recipient, and the things that were done to them being the cause?
http://eqi.org/amiller.htm
I am always thankful for these blogs by Natasha and the comments by others with Bipolar and other diagnoses.I started going to a social worker and was actually seen by a psychiatrist when I was 15, but I know I had depression since I was very young. I did alot of acting out,, changed schools to an alternative school, and went to many different counselors from primal scream to a women’s only group therapy where I was spanked to individual therapy with both a man and wwoman. My parents were aware of my struggle to “get better” but they didn’t want to know about it and just payed the bills. I’m sure there was a huge stigma from their backgrounds, and my mom even made fun of my grandma who was my dad’s mom who had mental illness and was an alcoholic.I joined in, thinking this was normal, until the tables were turned and I had mental illness myself. All the acting out I did , including pregnancy at 17 , witchcraft, using drugs, sneaking out at night and coming home in the morning to my mom’s calling me a slut. I was molested by a doctor, a teacher, and my parents didn’t get involved, they just told me to stop going to these people. And on it went. When I was finally diagnosed in my late 30’s, after all that suffering, my family didn’t apologize for the way they treated me, or what they believed about me. Everything made so much sense to me, but I had moved far away and got remarried ,to a man who was as abusive as my dad and mistreated my teenage daughter.To make a long story longer- I live 2 hours away and they never visit.If I didn’t drive down, I’d never see them, They think I’m lazy when I ask for help keeping my apartment clean, as I have treatment resistant depression. Because of all the years of financial problems and borrowing money they don’t want to hear from me. My relationship with my daughter is pretty good, but she doesn’t want to visit or help me out even though I have helped her in the past.They all hate my dog, so I feel I cannot stay with them- she does bark alot.Sorry to go on so long. Thank you for listening, feel free to edit.
Like others here, I was brought up to believe that mental illness was for the weak and the crazy. In retrospect, I was living with two people who had significant mental illness. Later, when my bipolar symptoms started as a teen, I felt like I couldn’t ask anyone for help. It took me until age 34 to seek treatment.
Now I have a teen daughter with bipolar. At first I felt guilty about “giving” her the bipolar, but I got over that. Since she became old enough to understand, we have talked openly about the illness. I am glad that I can be a supportive resource for her, and that I can get her the treatment she needs.
Thank you for another good article. I wish my parents knew all of these things too. Maybe I would have been a better student, maybe I would have positive relationships, and maybe I would have not dropped out of school. Being a child of sexual abuse caused the wires in my brain to malfunction – I needed help. I am 60 and finally getting help for it. It’s a small win.
I enjoyed this article. I’m very grateful that my parents were open to the possibility of mental illness. My parents struggled with some depression. My mom took a proactive approach helping my family deal with mental illness. I strive to do the same.
My counselor helped me describe my bipolar to my son. I get “too sad” or “too angry” or “too” whatever. I’m glad to see other parents here who help their children understand mental illness in these comments.
Who determined what “too” sad or “too” angry was? Which levels are objectively “normal” or, rather, “acceptable” and which aren’t? Is context being taken into account (like, what the thing was that made you sad or angry)?
I admit, “too” is a relative term since it’s based on an individual’s personality. For me, I don’t scream a lot at my kids or ignore them all day. My normal is crying for a few minutes or loudly talking for a few minutes. It depends on how long a mood lasts.They know if I scream, versus loudly calling, I am “too” angry. My “too” sad is when I cry for hours and crawl into a ball. My kids really only worry about when I’m “too” angry at them or dad or cry loudly. In my house, “acceptable” usually means if no one intends to hurt someone else’s feelings whatever the feeling. Context matters too when something sad happens versus me just being really annoyed. Hopefully, that answers your questions.
Unlike the vast majority of people in the mental health field, including many with mental illness, I feel very strongly that help is very, very much *NOT* available. Or at least, nowhere as available as is claimed. My own past experience proves this, and some of the horror stories I’ve heard about the experiences of my acquaintances back up this fact.
Since this is the case, and since it takes longer to get treatment for kids (especially teens), and since mental illness kills more kids than :
murder, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, various congenital conditions, the flu, and COPD (figures are from USA, but are similar for oyther countries.) If you’re over 14, you can throw cancer in there as well.
What I wish parents knew was that it is vitally important to do their own research; and that they must be prepared to fight as hard as, and for as long as, necessary to obtain competent help for the child.
I would also wish parents knew that kids are people, and that they have legitimate feelings that should be respected and acted upon, even if the feelings seem outlandish. As a parent, it would be great sometimes, if you would just shut up and listen instead of telling.
I am 48 years of age & have struggled with mental illness way way back. I mean, way back.
I was primarily raised in the 70’s and Bipolar was ONLY that high flying Mania and the suicidal Depression. It was nothing near what it has expanded to be, now. You either HAD IT or you had clinical depression and just felt better when you weren’t depressed. There was no ADD, ADHD, OCD.. to name a few, during that time as well.
THe aggressive behavioral symptoms exhibited was just bad behavior. The inattentiveness was just not focusing, laziness and daydreaming. There was no illness, only lack of “conditioning” and well, character.
So, parents – in the day – would not seek help for their children, not obtaining help, surely not telling a soul nor spirit… a “black mark” would appear… a “black sheep” would be present, within the dynamics of the family. Oh, and G no – suicide was NEVER EVER discussed… EVER. Many families would even be ostracized, if a member committed suicide.
So, we can sit here and wish our parents only knew… thing is, there was not a name for it. No one discussed mental illness because you had to be crazy rolling and even then, you seldom if ever met.. the rolling mentally ill (most put into “agencies” or “hospitals” or here in the South – kept at home in the back room.).
My mother knew something wasn’t quite right with me and sadly, as a very young child, I knew as well. So, when I started getting diagnosed with Clinical Depression and was cycling from depressive episode to depressive episode (feeling really fine in between)… she recognized and had me go see my first “official” therapist (had been seeing school counselors for years).
So, I cannot say that my mom didn’t know… she and they (clinical folks) just didn’t have a name for it. The depressive episodes are what was treated… not the mania.
My father, on the other hand (he and mom divorced when I was 5, which triggered everything..) didn’t and still does not, believe in psychiatry.. though he desperately needs it. I do believe in my heart of hearts that he has Borderline Personality with Bipolar thrown in.
Yet, he refuses to see it as anything other than “a weakness” or “flaw” and at times, mocks me and my therapy. It’s a show for attention or I’m just TOO sensitive or as he terms it, “hysterical and can’t be dealt with.”
I’m 40 yrs-old and can confirm that when I was a teenager and even into my 20’s, “depression” was the best way anyone, including my parents, could understand what I was going through. So when I was a kid and was most likely showing signs that things “weren’t quite right,” I was just shy, introverted, creative, a worrier, etc.—not sure my parents would have recognized anything aside from drastic “acting out.” Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t perfect parents who just didn’t know things we know now!
We do have better information now, and I’d guess that most (literate) adults have an inkling that mental illness exists in various complexities. It’s on all of us to learn more; it’s just part of being a good citizen in the world. It’s really no longer okay to dismiss a loved one who has a mental illness as being flawed or hysterical or too sensitive or weak or anything that you’ve been called (and lots of us have been called!). Fortunately, it sounds as if there are some of us who are trying our best to be parents who want to do better by our kids. Not that we’ll be perfect by any means, but that’s the nature of parenthood no matter who you are!
I will mildly disagree here…I am 52, also raised in the late 60s/early 70s. I also knew kids very early on that were diagnosed with ADD and on medication for it.
Granted, in those days, it was only the MOST severe cases that we’re diagnosed/medicated, and it was hardly ever recognized in girls, so a LOT of people slipped through the cracks. My own was not diagnosed until I was 48 (though it sure had every single adverse effect even without me having the slightest inkling I had it) and the number of friends/acquaintances I have finally getting diagnosed in their 40s/50s is astonishing.
I also knew (for sure) that I had friends being treated for bipolar (then still known as manic-depression) as long ago as the mid-late 80s.
So these illnesses may not have been widely recognized by the general public at the time, and possibly even not by your average GP, but they were certainly known about, named, and treated even when we were young.
Thank you for this wise, thoughtful post. I am a daughter who has bipolar, but I’m also a mom. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a home in which mental illness is stigmatized, ignored, or mishandled, but I don’t know how to start having a conversation about mental illness. My daughter is six, and while I don’t want to scare her or worry her by letting her in on my own struggles too much, I’m not a fan of the idea that she might grow up even more anxious because I haven’t been honest with her.
when my daughter was just about 5, she termed my depressive episodes as “sad sick”. I was sick with sadness, to her.
We likened it to the flu or a bad cold that lingered. She understood those as serious cause she had gone through several bad bouts of flu and horrible sinus colds, by then. So, I explained to her that I would become sick with sadness and not to worry cause I would take medicine or need to lay down a lot. She termed it “sad sick”.
She is now 19 and she knows about the Bipolar.
They taught, in her public school, about mental illness – in that so many of her teenage peers had been diagnosed with one form or another and nearly (not all) were on some med or a dozen (she has told me that some of her friends would compare their pills to one another to see who was the sickest or borrow each other’s meds to see if they worked better). I’ve also spoken to her at great length about my Bipolar.
Even now though… when I’m “in a mood” that lingers… I’ll just say “I’m just sad sick right now” or “i’m having a really bad sad sick spell.” and she just nods.
Thanks for sharing your parenting experiences–it’s so helpful. Your daughter nailed it; “sad sick” is exactly right! I sometimes forget how sharp kids can be about this sort of thing. It’s not as if they don’t feel what’s going on, even if they can’t name it. I know that my daughter worries, but maybe it would help if my husband and I found a way to talk to her directly about my being sick and also about how my doctors and my medicine helps, etc. Your story confirms that a 6 yr-old is definitely not too young to talk about mental illness on some level.
I also worry so much about what her future holds. Her biological dad also has serious mental illness so it would seem that odds are against her. But I suppose it’s not a good idea to agonize. It’s a better idea to keep talking about it as she gets older so that she has a safe place to go should she need help.
Tabby, your daughter is lucky to have had those conversations with you!
I still remember, to this day, when she connected with “sad sick”…
She was about 5 years of age and was sitting upon our living room sofa, at the time – and I was on my knees upon the floor – at her level – leaning against the sofa talking to her and listening to her.
She put her little hand upon the side of my cheek and looked at me and said “mommy, you never smile anymore. Why don’t you smile anymore? You are so pretty when you smile mommy.”
we then had our little chit chat about sickness, sadness, etc.. and I told her that I would smile again, it just would take some time, to get over the sad sick…
Kate, I just wanted to say that while you worry about your daughters future given the odds… It’s good to know how the odds are stacked, because then you can be proactive. You cant avoid the traumas and stresses in life, but you can be proactive and prepare for them. . Knowing you have a predisposition to cancer can help you avoid or lessen its impact on your life, same here. There will be unforeseeable occurrences, you may still get sick, but you can lessen the impact on the individual and those around them. My uncle has trauma induced BP, my sister has complex PTSD and BP, I have BP and I believe my grandmother had Borderline personality disorder. I’ve seen the effects on both sides, and understanding is key.
This just proves the point: Communication leads to Awareness which leads to Knowledge which leads to Understanding and Support. It all starts with communication :)
I wish parents knew that keeping quiet and not seeking help in fear that their children would be branded as crazy and people knowing that would keep them from having any positive opportunities and that would ruin their life more than anything else possibly could… is not in the best interests of their children.
My family has no idea that I had a bipolar diagnosis for about 8 years now. I don’t know how to tell them, they watched my life fall apart and then struggle to build my life again and this whole time they never knew. They don’t really understand mental illness so I don’t bother. It feel like I am living this double life….well I guess I basically am.
Sarah – you MUST find a way to tell your parents: They cannot support you with something they don’t know exists. Unless you have strong inarguable reason to believe that they will react negatively, you are denying your family the opportunity to pull together and function as a family.
This one is on you – you’ve managed your bipolar for 8 years so I’m sure you’ll be able to handle telling your parents. It can only help :)
I was brought up with 2 parents who had no idea of what I was going through and my father was a strict fundamentalist and was an abuser on top of it so I not only was ill but he was making more ill. I also have complex PTSD from the life I lived , if you could call it a life. There was really no science back then and psychiatrists were looked as quacks. Therapists, were social workers. I had social workers in my family but they were quiet about what they saw. So I made it through life on my hands and knees until I crashed real bad, so bad I became disabled from it. This generation has so much more to offer in the science end of it so that children and teenagers etc can get the needed help but their stigma among families. It is sad. I thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally. I wish they knew never to forget that. Children should come first but as we see so often they do not and if there isn’t a massive shift I fear this will go on until there are blood tests and science which could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that ther is a mental issue. Sorry to say since what we have from the medical community is basically opinion what is a parent to do? How many of us have had to see so many people before we got a diagnosis of BP? Took me close to a decade. Knowing what I know I would do whatever it took to get my child help. Plain and simple. Parents who believe something is wrong have to act ASAP.
I wish parents would understand that if their child has a mental illness that it doesn’t reflect badly on their parenting.I wish people would be more accepting of the fact that mental illness is chemical. i presented with bipolar disorder symptoms when I was very young but I was unable to obtain a diagnosis until I moved out of the house because my mother was worried what others would think. She went so far as to tell me as early as elementary school that “you need to see a doctor, but what would people think, xxxx’s daughter seeing a psychiatrist?!.”
I also wish parents would better understand that the earlier you can get a proper diagnosis the better off a patient will be.