I was driving in my car yesterday morning, groceries in the back, a freshly frothed latte in the front, when I flipped to a radio station, heard one line of a song and started crying. The song lyric is inconsequential; I knew that then and know it now. What is consequential is that my bipolar disorder heard the song and used it as an excuse to be upset. My depression, my loathing, creeping, squirming depression, popped its fucking head up and made me burst into tears for no reason on a perfectly functional Wednesday morning. I had a breakthrough bipolar event.
The Erosive Power of Bipolar Disorder
The problem with bipolar disorder, on a day-to-day basis, is that it is always there, hiding, lurking in the shadows, ready to leap out and strangle you when you least expect it. You know it. You occasionally glance at the problem and maybe even worry about it; but it never goes away. Even on an average day, even on an average good day. Even on an average good day where nothing of note occurs, it is there and it can destroy what you’ve spent months (or more) building.
This problem, as I see it, grinds you down. It acts as erosion on your mind and soul. It is extremely difficult to live with. Because there is no warning. There is no flashing light or message that says, “Warning. Changing radio stations now will result in tears. Proceed with Kleenex.”
And the tears, which may not sound that bad, are accompanied by thoughts. Thoughts that end in self-loathing and maybe even suicidal ideation. From a radio station.
Yes, Bipolar Disorder is Irrational
Yes, this is completely irrational and if you’re not crazy then I suspect you really won’t get it but all the positive self-talk in the world doesn’t stop these breakthrough bipolar events from occurring nor does it make them disappear once they occur. Sitting in my car I know my brain is broken. I know it’s lying to me. I know it’s acting irrationally. But the pain is real. Real, real, real. And the pain is so unbelievably tiring.
Advice on the Random Bipolar Break
And I don’t know what to say about the phenomenon of the bipolar breakthrough event. I want to offer you hope, or advice, or sage wisdom, or something, but I can’t. All I can say is that it’s hard and that I hate it. I hate living under its threat and I hate it when it happens. All I can do is commiserate because I know it’s happening to all of you too. I know you know what it’s like to lose the will to live over a radio station switch. I know you know what it’s like to feel like such an idiot for not being able to stop crying over something that should mean nothing.
I guess what I can say is this: acceptance of this fucked-upedness is part of what bipolar disorder is about. Acceptance that life is going to be like this, probably forever (in my case) and that this is just the price you pay for being alive is part of the gift that isn’t bipolar disorder. I have to live with the threat of breakthrough bipolar events and try to ebb and flow with them when they occur. And try not to beat myself up for falling victim to them. Because there is nothing to be done about them. We can fight, and I do, we can therapy, which I have, and we can learn all we want to about this disease, but in the end, there are some things that we can’t stop. And it feels like 40 grit sandpaper against my delicate bits of flesh. But it is what it is. The pain is real. And it comes. And we just have to keep going anyway.
pleas I need advice. Is it possible that a bipolar man suddenly totally changes their thinking and behavior to a partner. He repeats this pattern of behavior in certain months or periods. For example, one day he loves me and enyos the time with me, but than he slowly withdraw from me, and starst thinking he cant feel the real thing for me, cant see the future annymore and breaks up. Than after few days he comes back, all in love again.
He did it now for 4x time in a 1,3 years.
He is not on medications now, but is a bit down -1 he sais. He knows that I am good for him, and that on the rationally I am the perfect woman for him. But sometimes he gets irrationally and than he doesnt see the future for us..
I got him thinking, that tis is a bipolar problem, that he has this feelings changing towards me, when he comes in a place when he is sick and tired of his monotonous work and life. He wants to feel life more fully, passionately, and thinks that I cant give that to him, and than he feels not happy. He cant think rationally in such a time, but only irrationally. And than after 5 days he is the rationally thinking man again, and comes back all in love to me.
So is this theory correct? Or is he yust not in love wiht me?
Yes, this is entirely possible. I know because I am bipolar and what you describe is exactly how I behaved before I was diagnosed and appropriately treated. It seems to me (with hindsight) that my feelings towards my fiance were coloured by my moods, and that level of instability then affected the relationship irrespective of the moods.
When I was depressed, everything in life was “grey”, dull, without vibrancy and uninteresting. I didn’t feel anything except the nothingness and pointlessness that was inherent in just being alive. So, I would lose interest in her as much as I lost interest in everything else. When my mood shifted upwards, living took on more colour, became more interesting, and *she* became interesting again, attractive again on all levels. The problem was I would cycle like that very, very often! Shye, poor thing, didn’t know where she stood because, at one time, I would be both caring, loving and passionate. And then I would change, being cold and distant. Of course, these changes put a strain on the relationship, which resulted in arguments; so, even when I was feeling ok, or high, the relationship was bad and it got worse. I did not realise I was ill with BP, and that it was affecting us. So, I assumed our relationship was due to our being incapatible, that it was the relationship that was causing me to feel depressed. Of course, the troubled relationship *was* making me feel depressed, but that was a new ‘reactive’ depression that overlayed the BP depressive cycle! She eventually tired of all this and decided to leave me. I was sad about that because, when that day came, I did love her, but that the same time, I thought it would be for the best and that, once she was gone, I would start to feel better. Guess what? I didn’t! It took another 10 years or so before I figured out what had happened, when I was finally diagnosed with BP and began treatment. Too late to salvage that relationship!
What happened is kind of tragic because I later got deep into a new relationship with a lady I finally married. The marriage didn’t start well, but it got better, then worse and then better … having figured out what went wrong with the previous relationship, I no longer trusted my feelings about this new one. I.e. were we, are we, right for each other, or wrong? Is the BP colouring my judgement, or is it sound? I think my judgement is right this time but I’m too far into reverse. What I am certain of is that I lost a damned good partner before, someone who was trustworthy, wonderfully quirky, ethical, and unselfish, but there’s no turning back the clock after 20 years has passed by!
Harry thank you for sharing!!!
My partner was diagnosed 6 year ago. Last year we startet oure reletionship and he was on medications for abaut 4 months. He is without medications since august 2014. He did leave me in november for his ex girlfriend (that was the 3x time).
He came back 14 day after, asked for forgiveness, and promised me the real thing (future).
I noticed in April, that he is strugling to have fun, go on a trip, meet friends, his work was giving him no rest, he was constantly tired, and than his grandfather died. That gave him the rest I think.
After a few days he told me, that he is scared, that he cant see the future for us annymore. He decidet to leave me. After 7 days he came back and telling me, he does think that I am th one, we cuddled for hours. The nex day he was not shore of us again.
He sais he is doing fine. He is not manic or deprest, mabe a bit -1.
He does not understand why he is so changing his feelings toword me… He feel he is a psychopath because of that.
I did read a lot of bipolar blogs and sites, that has helped me understand more.
Yesterday I asked him to leave and to think what he really feels and wants. And than I will be mabe willing to get back together.
I love him so much, I can be me wiht him, we are so so compatible, and have fun together playing cards, darts, rolerblading,…
But there are time when he sais he does not feel the future for us :( :(
I’m no doctor, but I doubt he’s a psychopath. If he were he wouldn’t show any feelings towards you! Psychopaths, they just don’t care about anyone except when caring about them works in their own interests. His changeable ways sound much like my own have been, a consequence of the bipolar. It’s really confusing for both sides – you and him (as it was for me and my ex-fiance). It may take him some time to figure out what he really feels, but my guess is that when he feels he loves you, that is probably his true feelings, what lies hidden when he gets the depressions. I imagine there are many things he really likes and enjoys – may watching sport, listening to music, painting, bird watching? But when the mood is ‘wrong’ they’ll give him no pleasure at all. It’ll be the same with relationships. So, it’s not him: It’s the bipolar! As I say, it may take him some time to figure it out – weeks, months, even years. From your position, you have to consider if you can live with that uncertainty, if you dare risk losing time waiting to find out what he really wants. Only you can answer those questions. Just remember, you deserve a life, too! :) I wish you *both* good luck, and hope he will see his way through the fog that BP causes in the mind. :)
The gun is always loaded. Know your triggers!
Or if your fast enough you can be the target too.
My mind has been screwing with me for so long
anticipation is the only salvation for the ill at heart.
All it takes is a word, a glance or a repeated unwanted
ritual… Beaware, there is nothing to be scared of.
Be prepared.
The above is a personal plan that works for me.
So, getting emotional with a piece of music isn’t a break thru’? It is if you don’t usually feel that way, especially with that particular piece of music. It is if you are driven to tears by other things, at the same time, not usually likely to trigger such an extreme emotions. People with BP know when they are in a low emotional state and just because others who are not BP may be reduced to tears by some music doesn’t mean what the person with BP is feeling isn’t a breakthrough. These comments sound uncomfortably like the oft heard, “But we all get depressed from time to time…” as in belittling, even denying, their companion is bipolar. We know when we have a BP depression as different from being “normally” depressed – it’s a different feeling – and we know when we have a breakthrough and not just a ‘normal’ emotional reaction.
The discipline of “positive thinking” requires one to rationalise, just as does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. We must be able to pick apart our feelings to challenge them. But even moderate Bipolar Disorder episodes seem to exclude rational thinking, as colours one’s outlook and even to interpret things incorrectly. Rationalising, introducing positive thinking is only going to have a chance of working when people are coming out of the worst of their Bipolar Disorder episodes into a state where they can see things more clearly.
And even then, I think it is dangerous to imagine there is a once-size fits all way to deal with these symptoms – everyone is different and may, or may not, react well to this kind of therapy.
Agree with Sarah. You don’t have to be bipolar to have that happen to you when music plays. Anyone at anytime can be like that.
Anyone without a mental health problem can be like that. It’s a bit naive to believe and publicise that this is a ‘bipolar event’. And really is no need to use the f word!!
So glad I stumbled upon your blog. Just wanted to say hello, and tell you that I will be reading from now on!
DEAR NATASHA..READ THE WONDERFUL AND TO THE POINT ARTICLE REF MUSIC BREAKUP..I ALSO DEAR NATASHA have experienced this…IS IT JUST A REMEMBRANCE OF A SONG OR BIPOLAR.. I AM NOT QUITE SURE BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW IS THAT I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY HEAD WHICH TO ME IS REAL AND I CANNOT LET IT BEAT ME..LOVE AND KISSES PAUL J
Your article really hit home for me. Last week I had a breakthrough bipolar event. I was so overwhelmed and I couldn’t explain it to anyone. I felt alone, lonely and stupid for having these emotions. I try to tell myself that I have been through this before and I will get through this I just have to know that I will survive. But there are days when you can’t do that. Days when you don’t know if you can hang on another minute, let alone an hour. I survived my personal event, it left scars, but i survived. Thanks Natasha
I don’t think you have to have bipolar disorder to have an emotional response to music. It can happen to anyone, at any time, even to people who aren’t particularly emotional people.
The response can be a catch in the throat, or pressure behind the eyes; a trembling lip and sudden inability to sing along to the music.
Music speaks to our limbic systems through it’s own unique channels. It is by its very nature irrational.
An emotional response, even a strong one, is very human. And it’s also “within normal limits”
Having said that, the question arises, if the response is huge, if it’s enormous, or it brings up suicidal thoughts or other unwanted negativity, then it’s clearly realated to depression, bipolar or unipolar.
But can you see that, the fact that you responded to the music is normal? A normal way of trying to get the pain out? With bipolar we have so much pain and grief tucked away, unable to process it like others. If the music is producing such a response at such a random time, could the targeted use of music by a professional be helpful?
I’ve been thinking about going to see a music therapist for a while now. Perhaps this is your creative medium?
This is an incredible article, Tracey. You’ve put into words what so many of us experience. You’ve made it tangible, revealed, obvious. Having these bipolar breakthroughs highlighted is enlightening. Once we have a name for something, we can get to understand it better. We can make some sense of it. (It’s also good not to feel alone in this. Thanks.)
Wow !!! Natasha ! You hit one of my most personal breakthrough bipolar events right square on the head. I have to be extremely careful with what music I listen to. For example, certain songs from my teen years can send me into an oblivion of depression. And then of course I start thinking of all the whys and wherefores of said depression, and I realize that due my to being bipolar, I have lost, without even understanding ( at the time ) so much over the years. People who might have become good friends, close relationships that might have become something, lost school and job opportunities because I couldn’t think without fear and some sense of clarity in order to come to any positive decisions. I can only listen to some of the newer rock and metal music, and though anything I listen to can still set off a breakthrough bipolar event, the personal attachments that come along with the depression aren’t as severe. And no ! I am not going to admit to the entire bipolar community that if I’m not careful, I could end up in tears as well. However, this is yet another situation that I thought might have been saved by the universe for my own personal suffering. This is a big one for my, so thanks be able to bring such an even t to light !!!
Robert
Maybe I’m a bit too isolated from others with Bipolar but I had been starting to think this only happens to me! So, in a selfish kinda way I suppose, I’m glad to hear you have the same problem. (Sorry about that!) It’s like I read once before, the BP likes to sleep and let you think you’re in control; but every now and then, it bites you, just to remind you who is really the boss!
What bugs me about this is when it happens in the most inappropriate moments …. like a business meeting or especially when in a 1-2-1 meeting. As you say, something comes up that wouldn’t, that we know shouldn’t affect us … but it does for no apparent reason for the extremes of our behaviour.
What also bugs me is having had psychiatrists try to tell me that this is just a normal emotional reaction, that everyone can be that way, that it’s not the BP. I know what is happening, I know it’s a break-through, but they just don’t get it!
thanks for sharing from the inside from the battle line. im put off by the good doc. while we All need to be mindful this way, i am all to aware of the war going on between those who think positive psychology is a substitue for taking meds to control what is a disease, not a attitude issue. its like overcoming alzhimers or a defective heart valve by the power of positive thought. anyway, my undiagnosed son had one of those breaks. 6 died as a result. the system wants to ignore serious mental illness except when the “client” volunteers. the system prefers low hanging fruit and working to maximize optimal mental Health. meanwhile mental Illness, Serious Mental Illness in particular, is passed off for cops and jails and street shelters to deal with.
Natasha, I love the way you are able to convey so eloquently the issues you and others face with bipolar disorder. It helps those of us with family suffering from bipolar disorder understand a little better, and hopefully cope a little better. You seem to have turned your “craziness” into a gift to others, and it is much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing this because it greatly helps me to be a better practitioner. Every time I can “see” the reality of another person and think beyond my own world, it adds to my understanding. I wish I had something to write or say to you that could ease even a bit of your pain when these things happen. All I can offer is that I am listening and I really do care.
I had gone a long while without any of these breakthroughs and was feeling invulnerable. Of course I was wrong and in the last few weeks I have been having breakthrough after breakthrough. Sigh…
Happens frequently to me, you cant ignore it , “it” wont allow. I recognize when it happens and say “ah bipolar, the gift that keeps on giving “.
I think this is a mark of the disorder. It shows how uncontrollable it really makes your moods. Before I knew I had it, I thought random songs on the radio sounded sad, too. TV shows that had a mild sentimental moment made me bawl. I would see sadness in random situations. Now I realize how absurd that is. It’s just the fact that things can be OK during your day, and suddenly you’re hit with profound, irrational sadness. I think once you achieve stability, this underlying sadness settles down and you don’t carry it everywhere. It’s when you’re unstable that strange things like this happen…
I really appreciate you recognizing these subtleties. There are so many little details that make us feel “crazy” and forget that we have a bonafide mood disorder.
You are always so spot on in all of your articles. I feel EXACTLY the same way so many times and there is nothing anyone could say or do to help me- nothing I could change or think about positive or otherwise to make the episode go away. It comes with no warning- slaps me in the face- and parks it’s butt at my place like an univited guest for an indefinite stay. Natasha- I am glad that you remind us out here that we are not alone- and I am also happy that you are realizing that you are not alone, either. Keeping you in my thoughts that the breakthrough from yesterday doesn’t hold you down too hard.
I had break-through mania events that led to me cutting myself. It was like all my resources went away instantly and unexpectedly and I was dissociated and bleeding.
You are very, very helpful. I will never understand the use of “crazy” to describe whom we are. It is such a derogatory and expected label used by people who do not understand mental illness. I am sick; I am not “crazy.”
Hi Helen,
Well, I can understand that some people don’t like the use of the term crazy. I’ve written about it and when I use it, it isn’t derogatory. It simply means mentally different. Which is what I am. I find it vastly preferable to saying, “people with a mental illness,” which sounds very medical for my tastes.
What can I say? It’s a stylistic thing. I understand if you don’t like it.
– Natasha
I am saddened that you had a bipolar breakthrough and that you found you could do nothing to stop it. I’m saddened that you have to acknowledge that these breakthroughs will always be possible in your life time. And I’m saddened that this is completely irrational for you and that all the positive self-talk in the world doesn’t stop these breakthrough bipolar events from occurring nor does it make them disappear once they occur. Perhaps, trying to actually put positive thoughts and actions into effect would be a good start to control those potential bipolar breakthroughs. I know from experience that the “Power of Positivity” can help when an outside emotional situation is eminent and turns on that bipolar breakthrough. Personally, I have applied positivity in my own life and have achieved over 28 years of episode free emotional stability. I even wrote a book about it. Take a look:
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Positivity-Bipolar-Anyone-Else/dp/1478110147