I have experienced depression because of bipolar and cried in public more time than I can count. Like, way more. I’ve cried in grocery stores, malls, restaurants and pretty well anywhere else you can name. In fact, I just got off a plane where I was crying. So I’ve had a lot of experience crying in public because of depression and have given it a lot of thought.
Even with Bipolar Depression, It’s Weird to Cry in Public
It seems to be highly abnormal to cry in public. (For some people it’s even considered abnormal to cry in some private situations. This is, to me, a ridiculously outmoded view, but that’s for another day.) In spite of the fact that many people have depression or bipolar disorder, when you go out and walk around, you don’t see people crying. You just don’t. That’s good, I suppose. No one should feel compelled to cry in public – it sucks – but still, it’s something that I’ve done so very much of.
I know why I’ve cried in public. I’ve done it because my emotions are too big to fit inside my head and thus they pop out my eyeballs.
But there are lots of people with bipolar and, more specifically, experiencing bipolar depression, and all these people aren’t walking around crying in public so why do I?
Why Did I Cry in Public Today?
Okay, so the specific reasons I cried today aren’t terribly relevant. They revolve around the beauty of existence and my inability to feel happy about it. Whatever. I did it; that’s the main bit.
In this case, I found on the plane I was left completely alone with my thoughts. That’s not really a good place for me. I require distraction or the depressed bipolar thoughts tend to take control. And today, I was just looking out the window at the world and that just wasn’t enough. My depressed thoughts took over and tears fell. It’s this weird experience where I can feel the sadness rise from my chest, into my cheeks, and finally, my eyes.
I was sitting in the window seat so no one saw, but people have seen me cry in public many times. Right now, I’m sitting in a little airport restaurant and, who knows, if this article takes a turn, I might even do it here.
Do I Care About Crying in Public Because of Bipolar Depression?
Well, I wouldn’t say I don’t care about crying in public – I do – but it’s been a long time so I’m used to it. To me, crying and not being able to limit that to private spaces is just a bipolar depression symptom. I refuse to feel bad about symptoms I can’t control and didn’t ask for.
I remember one time when I wasn’t just crying, but I was bawling my eyes out in a park. I had only left the house because I hadn’t seen the sun in so long. And some guy came up to me and said, “It’s not that bad.”
It was that bad. The pain felt like a sucking wound in my chest.
But, of course, he couldn’t have known that. He couldn’t have known I was so freaking crazy that day. He just saw someone that seemed to making a really big fuss over something invisible. I get it. A puffy-eyed, wet-faced girl walking through a beautiful park in the sun looks weird.
Why Am I Crying in Public?
For me, what it’s indicative of is that I’m trying really, really hard. See, if most people were in the state where they might cry, they would stay home. It would seem like a good time for Netflix and a hot cocoa.
I do not get that lucky. You see, I’m bound to be depressed for a very, very long time and if every time I was I watched Netflix, my account would probably explode. Things need to get done. Groceries need to get bought. Books need to be mailed. And so on.
I have no choice but to venture out into public even when I’m feeling teary-eyed. And yes, I know this, sometimes, leads to crying in public.
So while some people might suggest that a person who cries in public has is weak (as is evidenced by their inability to control their tears), it’s actually the opposite. What’s actually happening is that my will over my bipolar depression is so strong, that I’m getting stuff done even though it doesn’t want me to. Depression puts a thousand roadblocks in front of me – crying in public being only one – and my will still wins. I still buy groceries. Screw you, bipolar depression.
If You Cry in Public Because of Depression – Remember This
So the next time you cry in public, remember what you really are: strong. I know you might feel weak when it happens, but that’s not the reality. Really, you are so strong that you aren’t letting your depression win. This is an amazing accomplishment. The depression is huge and scary and you’re standing up to it even while it throws knives at you.
Crying in public may really suck. The looks other people give you may also suck. But really, it’s a feat of strength. So smile even though you’re crying. You’re winning. Depression is losing.
I found this just searching crying in public. I haven’t been diagnosed as bipolar but I do have profound depression and anxiety among other issues ( maybe bpd). If I am in a depressive state, I find myself crying at the supermarket because of a song playing, sometimes I cry on the bus and have broken down for various reasons in a variety of social situations. I try to keep the tears to a minimum and not let it be noticeable which hasn’t always been fully successful. Music makes me cry, certain poetry makes me cry, sometimes just a line or two if it strikes that part of me, tv shows can make me cry etc. I’ve been crying a great deal this morning for various reasons. The crying usually gets worse during pms.
Of late, I have begun to wonder if I have bipolar 2 disorder.
I love your blog. It is so well written and so relevant. Your post about crying in public is appreciated. At the worst episode of my life, during a period of diagnosis and starting treatment I was so miserably depressed that I cried the entire way through a Christmas program that my son was in. It was all I could do not to sob loudly, but I held it together and silently tears streamed down my face. I will never forget how miserable, pathetic and hopeless I felt in that moment. Thanks for your post.
I can’t remember how many times I’ve been crying and heard from a “helpful” person: it’ll be OK
Thanks Natasha. This post struck a deep cord in my psyche. I grew up in a household where it was not allowed/accepted for males to cry. I distinctly remember when I was young and crying for some reason that my father slapped me and said “crying is for women and babies, which one are you… man up”. It became ingrained in me that crying was a loss of control of oneself. For example your breathing becomes irregular, your hands become occupied with wiping away tears. I was instructed that crying was a loss of emotional and physical control and that instead of giving in to this behavior one should do what ever is necessary to stop or prevent the crying. During that time I had several family members pass (4 grandparents, 2 uncles, and one of my best friends) and I never shed or tear or was able to shed a tear.
It wasn’t until after my daughter was diagnosed as having bipolar that I accepted that I was bipolar and had never been “diagnosed”. I began to accept that I had to recognize and learn to cope with my negative emotions. and consider crying as a positive coping strategy instead of using any of the negative coping strategies I had learned to use over the years. i learned this lesson so well that I don’t recall crying at any time from my days in high school until 5 years ago (over 4 decades).
It took my daughter’s attempted suicide five years ago to bring me to tears for the first time since my childhood. Cognitively I was aware of what was happening, but I had forgot the actual sensations.
Gasping uneven breathing, massive amounts of mucus flowing from my nose, hot tears running down my cheeks and an immense feeling of RELIEF. It helped me cope with the day’s of being by her side in the hospital and after she returned home. It felt good and yet it was like a guilty pleasure. I had finally found an acceptable reason to cry.
it has been five years since that incident and I have not been able to cry again. The teaching regarding crying is so strongly entrenched that I can’t cry, even when my bipolar brain is doing everything it can to make me break down and cry.
I’m still in shock after reading your post. I am you, but with more neuroses. I cannot not cry, despite my exquisite awareness that others see me as a freak, unstable, dangerous. I once rescued a cat, and worked through an agency to take her to a vet for spaying and eventual adoption. Knowing how the cat was feeling, handing her over to strangers I didn’t know if I could trust, feeling the deep confict of wanting to keep her but already having too many cats, feeling so badly for homeless animals in general, molten tears erupted like a volcano. I Could Not stop. The vet, the vet’s assistant and a pet owner in the waiting room looked as if I’d sprouted two heads, horns and a tail. The pet owner asked, “Did you just lose a pet?” Nope, just crazy. After a day or two, I decided to adopt the cat myself. I called the angecy and received the terse response, “The cat was already adopted.” Liars. They had to protect the cat from a crazy woman.
I can’t remember how many times I’ve been crying and heard from a “helpful” person: it’ll be OK; it can’t be that bad; it’ll get better; God loves you!; life is hard, cupcake; crying won’t help; what is your problem?; loser, you’re overreacting, and many more. Many times the responses are silent discomfort, mocking, anger, disgust … or the tired flight attendant who thoguht her life couldn’t get any worse and turned to stone at the sight of a woman crying quietly in the seat next to the window, on a half-empty flight, with two empty seats next to her.
Is it any wonder if/when we become reclustive, hidden, avoidant, isolated, agoraphobic, have weakened immune systems, become anti-social, are more prone to suicidal ideation. I know I didn’t ask to feel more deeply, more broadly, so that it makes my head explode and my soul convulse. “Yes, please, I’ll have more of that! And no, I don’t need the manual or assistance; I’ll just crash and burn as I go. I’m good.”
Thanks for letting me be real. For a change.
For me in such situations, the problem is embarrassing and unwanted attention. And it doesn’t go down well in the middle of an open plan office among colleagues and “meat-eating” senior managers. It does one’s career no good at all!
” I’ve done it because my emotions are too big to fit inside my head and thus they pop out my eyeballs.”..this says it all Natasha, you TOTALLY GET IT with just this one sentence. So thank you,thank you, thank you!!
That’s exactly what it feels like. I am blessed to have the double cultural stigma of being a man and crying in public. I’ve cried in public as long as I could remember….and of course the bullies ate me for lunch as kid and a teenager.
I’ve cried often in my church. I cried at work. I’ve cried giving farewells at my both my parents funerals and my father-n-laws memorial. I’ve cried in front of band members and during live performances. I’ve even balled my ass off in board meetings when I worked in the tech world in front of a bunch of stoic suit and ties. I’m sensitive and maybe it’s the bipolar or depression or not. I will not make any excuses anymore. I own it and I’ve become stronger for it. I rather let it out.
It sucks, but hey, screw ’em all! We were made with tears ducts and they provide us relief from those GIGANTIC emotions of utter sadness, infinitely elation and the darkest despair. It’s scientifically proven that crying provides some measurable relief….and that what we need a respite from. I just let if flow, often awkwardly so. I do my best to recollect myself and move on, say what I gotta say, if I can….or not. No excuses, no regrets. It took a long time to get to this place. It’s just who I am. They can deal with it or not. Not my fault they feel awkward or want to squirm away because I’m feeling my feelings. That’s their stuff. I’m being real and true to myself. I say screw the public and what they think. As you said Natasha we are strong for expressing ourselves. I feel like us crying in public allows others to do the same. Thank you for this. I needed the reminder today.
thanks Natasha for sharing this, im not literally cry but i just set aside
however i have read some article that they still cant figure it out what is this kind of illness just like hiccup..
here is some of the article, what do you think? http://bit.ly/2oNWnAs
we just want to calm down and feel safe, to be supported and accepted, maybe if you have any advice you could share it more..
thank you so much Natasha, have a good day
I do not often cry, in fact most of the time I cannot cry, the bipolar stuff can be massive, my emotions are shattered, the Granny may have died, i may have faced rejection…again, I just cannot get that release.
Good article, Natasha! Thanks!
…crying in public is such a “bitch” becoz everyone who is around you will interfere in the process of you crying, better that the public leaves you alone until your done crying….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg08-gMcpsI
I am very pleased that you took what could be considered a negative and turned it into a positive. If we believe crying is a negative thing, then it is.