There are many reasons I don’t typically talk about my own, personal, current mood and treatments. I’ve written about why I don’t write about my bipolar treatments here. Similarly, I don’t talk about my current bipolar mood state because my writings are less about me, in particular, and more about the experience of bipolar, in general. I believe that’s one of the reasons my writing is so popular. I take my personal experience of bipolar disorder and use it as a springboard to speak to what it’s like to experience bipolar for so many.
But one of the other reasons I don’t talk about my personal, current mood state is because I’m a private person. I know this seems weird considering how much I share online. But I’m careful with what I share, and what I don’t.
And finally, I know that I’m a role model for some people and I don’t talk about my own current mood episode because I don’t want other people to lose hope. In spite of recent accusations, I do actually bring hope to thousands of people with bipolar and people who love those with bipolar disorder and I don’t want to do anything to injure that hope.
Negatively Impacting the Hope of Others
And, just as I feared, I got a letter on this topic the other day after I admitted to not being well. The woman who wrote me seemed very kind and thanked me for my writings. She said that her son had bipolar disorder and she had learned so much from my work. She went on to say though, that she had always considered my wellness a source of hope for her son. She always thought I was a vision of the life a person with bipolar, like her son, could live. And then she said, “but now I’m worried about you.”
I wrote the woman back and clearly told her that there is every hope in the world for her son and that fact doesn’t hinge on my own wellness. (I’m sure she understands this, of course, but it’s helpful to hear it out loud.)
My Bipolar Relapse is not Your Bipolar Relapse
And so, I just want to say clearly to anyone who might be feeling a little hopeless that just because I got sick again doesn’t mean that you’ll get sick again. And just because I got sick again, doesn’t mean that you won’t get well. I’m not the be all and end all of bipolar disorder. I’m just one tiny example of the disease.
What I’ve Accomplished Since Being Diagnosed with Bipolar
And lest we forget, I have accomplished many things since being diagnosed bipolar, sometimes even when I was very sick. I don’t say this out of ego; I say this to tell you that you can do it too. True, maybe this day isn’t my best day, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have decent days again. And I know that I’ve done things like 150 skydives, paraglided over the mountains of Venezuela, gotten a bachelor’s degree, won awards and worked for a fancy U. S. tech company. And somewhere, deep down inside, I believe I will do things just like that again.
And I believe you will do things in your life just as fantastic.
True, your version of fantastic probably isn’t mine as we’re all different, but happiness, contentment and fulfillment is fantastic no matter what it means to you.
So please believe me when I tell you, hope is alive and well in the world. Yes, things suck right now. But I have hope that things will get better and so should you. If you do consider me some sort of role model, maybe that’s something you can take from me too.
Its all part of a cycle. If you didn’t occasionally have problems we’d have to take away your Platinum Bipolar Club Card! Medication and treatment doesn’t stop bipolar only slows it down and makes it a little less worse.
Well said Chris. WN
Still dealing with a major depressive episode…change meds from serqouel to Mirtazapine 15-30mg. and 50 mg of zoloft….I feel so over responsible. My daughter in law did a suicide prevention plan/contract with me that really helped. I was thinking of walking in front of a train…not now. Suicide has been abated once again.
I appreciate your writings and having the guts to put yourself out there…
I have a MSSW in Social Work and worked in the field for 20 years. I don’t look sick and I am good at pretending…so keep going I do.
Glad your feeling at least a little better.
I think the suicide prevention pact an extremely bad idea. It has even been used once on me as an excuse by a vindictive psychiatrist as a reason to force me into involuntary hospitalisation that was acted upon to begin with by a family member looking for money. This very bad physician did not like my request for an attorney to consult with to discuss release and this was part of her strategy to punish me. I know and you do how MI patients are almost never treated as rational and especially when actually in the hospital. Not much to loose from insulting and mistreating a psychiatric “patient” like a person in jail, you are not looked at or talked to but past.
This type of pact. Same as those virginity til marriage pacts made by religious and other deluded individuals who think sex after puberty and before legal papers etc. are somehow devient probably do almost nothing if worse and feel like even more coercion by others to forceing one to feel better or else. A dishonest person usually has no problem signing anything and a very depressed individual feels threatened by such I thing. I wouldn’t sign one if feeling extremely suicidal or happy as a lark as they used to say. I just don’t like threats. WN
Thank you for sharing.
Even neurotypicals have ups and downs. Medication and therapies aren’t going to cure bipolar, but hopefully can make it manageable much of the time. But things still happen. Life events affect us. Brains adjust to medications and therapies and need to be tweaked. Even viruses or lack of sleep can have a sudden, devastating effect.
Please hang in there. Keep getting back up. Keep showing BD in a realistic light.
I don’t care what anybody says! You have inspired me to keep moving forward. So keep doing what you are doing with the style only you can bring to the table!!!! And that is MORE than enough!
I admit to being alittle taken aback by some recent posts but reminded myself that you were not doing so well and that it is just the way it is.Once I got my own head around that I felt that it was so helpful in the long haul to not hide from the less than pretty.This is just life with BD.I hope you will feel better soon.Take care of yourself.
Sometimes though one doesn’t question themselves, but the *models* the said “role model” is promoting. Because they either work for them or not. So Natasha promotes medical-and-medical-only model where even usefullness of therapy is questioned. There was a lot of venom spitting at non-medical approaches (like the criticism of Alternates conference… posted at the same day as announcement of this Empower thing). Apparently, medica-and-medical-only approach never worked.
What is with this “do as I say, not as I do”? Trying things to get better is great. But why call them falderal and hogwash… and then go and pop something that you call…. falderal? Why all the insistence that “meds work” when they obviously nevered worked 100%? Why the venom towards things that could help (yoga being prime example) posted all around the internet?
I wish Natasha the best on personal level. Down phases suck and they do feel hopeless. And I wish her an open mind when looking for ways to get better. There are many approaches. And many work in mysterious ways.
There are evil and/or ignorant people trying out B.S. on desperate people every day. Guess that’s not you real picture. I’ll be sending mine soon. Chemicals are chemicals period. No matter how far man as separated them from nature. Natural means nothing at all in this sense. Exercise as I know from my experience and for me. Helped me immensely walked religiously for five years five miles per day till my dad died two years ago then gave up. Much worse since.
Thank you for the reminder to think about what I’ve accomplished despite my disorder.
I’m having a bit of a hard time right now myself.
E-mail me at will.nist@yahoo.com dragongirl. I have similar pictures after I cut twice the radial artery in my left arm. I took them right after as the blood was ALL over. Please mail me maybe we can talk. I know the pain. I also know when people hate. I think you are the former. Please mail me just to talk. I really hope you are alright. Yes, reminder of things you have are haven’t done feel like shit. I have similar feelings and know how it is.
Are you O.K dragongirl please email me if you want to talk. Still concerned.
I’m fine, the profile pic is from Halloween. I haven’t cut in over 10 years.
O.K. dragongirl still here whenever you want to talk. I’m a rare man who have cut myself and not in a superficial way. The blood was over the top and with nerve damage. Only time really did it. It was in response to something and made me feel I had control. Still don’t understand that. Very weird even though I seem quite rational usually and to others usually. Stay well and do what you need to feel O.K. and don’t let others shame you. It’s not your fault.
Psychiatrists are just criminals with prescription privileges.
Not all some truly care. I have found a PCP three years in more on pt. than the questions I can ask. Think one of his children suffers from same.
I hope you don’t take offense to this, as it is certainly meant with the upmost respect and admiration, but I have never once read one of your posts and thought, “well she must be in remission” – there is something to real about the way you write. You are clearly dealing with all of these issues from the perspective of someone who is currently managing the illness, not someone who managed it in the past. That is what makes you such a powerful writer. I hope you continue to find your strength and I wish you the best of luck with EMPower Plus. Maybe your hail Mary will be what works, I know mine was.
Hi Alison,
Oh, I’m not offended by that. I’d say that makes you intuitive. And my writing good. ;)
– Natasha Tracy
Please, don’t let that stop you going into remission.
As always Natasha, I am appreciative of your work and you are my go-to online resource. Most of us here appreciate your honesty about you condition because it takes away the feeling of isolation. Hearing that you are not doing well leaves one with a sinking feeling – I know it can get bad. I don’t want this experience for me or for anyone else. I am not a reader you have to protect. I am someone with bipolar who is co-existing with you. Do whatever it takes, whatever has worked in the past, to try and nudge this situation towards recovery. And then please tell us about it.
Natasha, I understand the slipping backwards, I feel myself going there more and more everyday. I feel a lack of communication between the doctors and myself when it comes to my state of mind and my medications. I don’t look at you as a role model persay , but I do look to you as a wealth of knowledge and someone who gives so much of herself to keep others battling this disease informed .
I struggle with life almost everyday, at times I think it would be so much easier if I wasn’t here and didn’t have this struggle anymore, but I have children …3 boys ( ages 22, 21,and 14 ) , I could never leave them, leave them without the mother who loves them so much. Although two of them are grown, they still depend on me at times of struggle whether emotionally or financially.
I have great difficulty maintaining friendships , I prefer to keep to myself. I have a supportive husband , but even he struggles with my disease at times, I wish I could explain things to him during these times, but I lack the ability to explain it to myself let alone him .
I hope you continue to take care of yourself , and thank you for all you do .
Even our role models,such as yourself,are still bipolar sufferers.
We all put our pant legs on one at a time.
No one should be put on a pedestal,no matter how great they are..
Example look at the fabulous actress/ bipolar activist Patty Duke.
She still,like all of us has good periods and bad ones.,she is another role model of mine.
We are human,not made to be perfect beings.
I thought it was exceptionally courageous of you,Natasha for opening up.
I’m a private person,too,it’s a fine line…..
I’m also a rapid cycler & in a dark place right now.
But isn’t that the key..thinking I’m in the darkness..right now????
Better days ( hopefully ) ahead.
Admire your honesty,no BS attitude …
We shall prevail!!!!!!!
I wish you nothing but the best.
You’ve given to so many….those that thought I can’t..now I can.
I thank you for being a trusted confidante and an inspiration to me…..I enjoy expressing myself and expressing my creativity in a safe haven.
One final thing..I look forward to seeing your emails in my inbox…
You’ve helped me…now I see I can help you by continuing to spread the message of hope and,eventual recovery.
God bless,& take care of yourself…..:-)
You never cease to amaze me with your insight, sensitivity and wisdom. Whether you’re posting about the newest treatment or your own experiences, I come away with a greater understanding of bipolar and respect for your perseverance and knowledge. Thank you.
Natasha – i think ,we all knew that you were moving into what i call “bipolar hell”. Personally, I appreciate that you can share that with me as it allows me to see things from another view. I am bipolar I, a rapid cycler? I have been on the roller coaster for over 40 years now. What I have discovered just might help in your times of medicarion frustration. Here goes….find a med cocktail that has worked the best for you in the past. When things are starting to go south, tweek just one of the meds. I use Wellbutrin and Tegretol. I tweak the Tegretol. It stops me from taking a long walk off a short pier. There isn’t a med combo out there that will always keep us on the up side of normal. i think that you already know that but a small tweak might quickly bring you back to the place that feels the best for you. Sometimes the simple things in life work the best. I hope that this helps. It hurts me to see you taking such a dramatic step while unstable. We have all done it and know what happens. You have a lot of love coming your way . Remember that. Your blog has saved my life a few times. Thanks for being who you are and sharing who you are.
Thank you for your heart-felt and honest insights :)
It’s great that if you have a bad turn of bipolar you can mention it online. It really shows that you can have a life and achievements while dealing with the black dog – and that is a lot to look up to. The belief that one can be cured of bipolar disorder is of course false, and to give the impression online that you have somehow eradicated it from your life would be providing false hope, which is, of course, the worst kind of hope.
I am sorry that you had to say all of that, in response to one woman’s remark. Yes, we all have people we look up to, but it isn’t fair to hold on to every little thread and not do what it takes for us to be better. I am glad your better. I am glad you had the patience to even write this article. Good day, bad day, we are here for the experience.
Hi Legina,
Well, understand, that I didn’t just write it for _one_ person, I also wrote if for all the people who are silently feeling the same way. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned – for every piece of feedback you get, there are 10-100 other people who feel exactly the same way but just aren’t saying so.
And like I said below, I like my readers and I feel like I should protect them and foster their hope when I can.
– Natasha Tracy
That takes dedication. I was annoyed and she didn’t write the post to me. lol. I guess that is why you can do what you do.
Want my M.S. in Mechanical Engineering more than anything other than say a good loyal wife. No money in the U.S. gov’t coming for people like me. Most likely I waste my mind and life in P.A. Will never have my degree or a woman who loves me. Money needed for both as far as I can see. My previous 3.87 gpa out of 4.0 means nothing. No money no school, no money no wife. Only death, poverty and lonliness will be their for me in the future unless something changes quite dramatically. When I am suicidal I have nothing butt dreams of an old girlfriend who’s radar I am full off or. 18 years since A hug I believe its been. When it gets really bad i usually Pray ( I’m an Atheist ) for a woman to hold be at night like when my dad died recently. Of course those days of love are over. A man of 47 like me will never see love again.
I’ve mentioned this before… I do remember when you once posted of your ups and downs, your suicidal thoughts, your move from one country to another and back again, your work at the tech company & how you interacted with your bosses, etc.. I do remember and it was – initially – why I followed you for so long, back when
You were “one of us” and you were trying to work and fight your version of the illness and stumbling and struggling within this world, in order to do so.
I still come around now, but notice less of you and more of = well = articles. I can get those from other websites. I do not necessarily see you as a “role model” as much as an informative blogger informing the masses.
Yes, you’ve accomplished much and you will continue to do so and I realize that many do come around to read your writings and to find some sense of hope out of it all. That all said: you are still a person with Bipolar.
You are prone to ups and you are prone to downs and you are prone to being laid out flat and prone to de-railing, just like all of us who have been labeled with our version of the disorder and illness. It is, for me anyway, affective to “see” you writing of YOUR issues from time to time… makes me recognize & remember, that you are more “human” rather than another lecturer or informative “help” site.
What accusations Natasha. Think you are doing a good job. The truth in my opinion leads where it leads. Your job is what you think it is, but I think the truth will set you free if there is freedom, peace or resolution. Keep doing what your doing. I think it is of great importance and value. Thank you, will nist.
To live successfully with bipolar disorder, you have to have hope. You also have to develop resilience, because you will most likely have to pick yourself up over and over again. That is what I’ve had to do. It has been humbling, and it has also helped me to develop great strength. Living with bipolar disorder is not easy, but you can still have a good life. I really appreciate your openness and honesty and your writing. I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Natasha,
I think what some people who are desperately looking for answers forget (perhaps want to forget) when looking at people like you or me is that Bipolar is a cycling disorder. A person could be free of symptoms for months, even years and then symptoms can hit again like a Mack truck. Most of us will find ourselves symptom free for several months and then cycle again. I am a fully functioning bipolar person and right now I cycle every few days. The longest I go symptom free is 3 to 4 weeks. Yesterday I cycled from hypomania to depression with terrible anxiety and back in one day. And I’m on medication–it was worse without the meds. Yet I still fulfilled all my responsibilities and my behavior was normal. You and I have learned to cope. I’ve learned to be aware of the changes in my mood and body long before they become intense–I have tools I use to help me cope mentally and physically in spite of how crumby I feel. I’m in control and I can appreciate and live a normal life. Most of the time my husband can’t even tell what I’m going through unless I tell him. So, to encourage your readers, it’s about balance. Those of us who have learned to live *with* the disorder have not waved a magic wand to make it go away–we’ve learned how to *live with it*. Google or YouTube Tom Wootten or Bipolar in Order and he explains a lot about this. He has helped me greatly.
Thanks Natasha for you perspectives. I read your posts often.
Actually – hearing about your ups and downs helps me (at least) deal with my own. It tells me I’m not alone in this.
I do hope you feel better Natasha. Good thoughts coming your way.
Natasha, be easier on yourself. Bipolar or not, we all have on and off days, weeks, years. I don’t know what it is to struggle with Bipolar. I read your blogs to try to understand what my son might have been secretly going through before he couldn’t any more.
You sound like such a nice person and I want the best for you. You really have been a blessing to ME and I am sure so many people. Know you are loved and valued.
Love,
Mary Ann
Hi Mary Ann,
I don’t think it’s so much an issue of being “hard” on myself as much as it is an instinct to protect my readers. I like them and I want the best for them.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
Thanks for writing back. People with struggles don’t need to see someone who is perfect. They need to see someone who has struggles as well. THAT is reassuring. They need to know they are not alone in what they are going through and together you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Love,
Mary Ann