Do you feel broken? I sometimes do. I sometimes feel very broken. I sometimes feel like the bipolar disorder has damaged me beyond repair. I sometimes feel like the bipolar disorder has damaged me beyond reason.
I sometimes feel like it would be impossible for another human being with a functioning brain to want me.
And this is too bad because it can lead to some very bad decisions regarding relationships. I’ve seen people with bipolar who feel this way stay with people who were entirely beneath them because they feel like that broken toy. The person with bipolar disorder feels like she/he doesn’t deserve any better.
This may be wrong. This definitely is wrong. But it doesn’t mean that some part of our brains doesn’t still believe it.
Feeling Broken with Bipolar
I honestly feel like anyone with bipolar feels if not slightly, then entirely, broken, sometimes, from the bipolar disorder. It’s an easy way to feel. Our brains do not work properly. Our brains are all confused and mangled. Our brains don’t send out the right signals. And our brains are so much of who we are it can feel like we are the mangled ones, instead of merely an organ. You put depression on top of that, where self-esteem damage is an actual symptom, and you get a person who feels very, very badly about himself.
Broken Bipolar’s Impact on Relationships
And, not surprisingly, anyone who doesn’t feel good about himself is likely to accept poor treatment from other human beings because he feels like somehow he “deserves” it. Or, perhaps that he simply deserves no better.
People with bipolar often feel like they’re lucky just to be with anyone at all and however other people treat them is just a price they have to pay not to be alone.
If we’re so broken, they we deserve what we get, relationship-wise.
Of Course, We’re Not Broken
Of course, people with bipolar disorder are not broken. Our brains might be but we are much more than our brains, and we, in our entirety, are not broken. Different, maybe, but broken, no.
The trouble is, even though this makes sense and most people with bipolar disorder do fundamentally understand this, there’s so often some secret part of us that doesn’t believe it. Some tiny little part of our hindbrain sends out the signal that we’re not worth it. Our subconscious allows us to be treated as if we’re broken, even though we’re obviously not.
People with Bipolar Disorder Deserve Elated Love
But the fact of the matter is, we need to uncover these false thoughts, stand up to them, and clearly state that we, as people with bipolar disorder, deserve love as much as anyone else. We’re just humans. Just like everyone. And as your regular-type humans, we deserve what everyone else deserves and I believe that is delirious happiness. We deserve partners that treat us like the beautiful and wonderful creatures we are (while we treat them the same way).
Recently I said that bipolar treatment that is just “good enough,” isn’t and relationships are the same. Relationships that are just there, relationships that are just “good enough,” aren’t. We deserve better. We deserve the best. Like everyone else.
When I was dating my husband our sex life was very good. As soon as I moved in, the sexual encounters were cut in half. After two years of marriage the sex became a lower amount of times. I addressed this in a sensitive way but my husband ignored me. I stayed marriage 27 years. In that time we sometimes had sex once a year or twice a year with him not even blinking an eye over it. My therapist way back before we were married advised me not to marry him when I asked his opinion. We are separated and he is still making promises he can’t keep. Im devastated and wished I had listened to my therapist. Now I’m scared no one will want me because I have this illness. Many people I’ve met have made disparaging remarks about women who they suspect has bipolar. I feel so stupid for wasting my life. I love my husband but he made me so unhappy and I allowed it.
Bi Polar is an enigma look or a fix. In some kind of Steven Hawking
reality we, the walking dead, put our trust in people who would hurt
us. My own damaging emotions are difficult to set at a distance. I am above
all a human, with an unusual brain, that allows me to think differently. If you
dare to, you can make your private world a place of pleasure and peace.
Don’t depend on the bio-mechanical three pounds of flesh to be of much
help. Often ephemeral solutions buzz about you like a moth drawn
to the light. “I am the way the truth and the life.” John 14:6
Yes, you need something to believe in besides yourself.
My sister and I have suffered from Bi Polar Disorder for years! My was cured by doing Brain Integration Therapy consistently. I am still praying for my sister’s recovery! I just went ballistic on her regarding 45 to 46 years of bullying; I am 47 now. I doubt she will take me seriously and go back to therapy! GOOD LUCK to me, as I have never felt fully safe around her!
I am a woman with bipolar disorder. One of the comments, actually one towards the beginning said that he was I a relationship with a bipolar woman who destroyed his life and left him angry and confused. I don’t doubt that in the least. But I can tell you that I have never been violent, deceitful, unfaithful or uncaring. I’ve actually been the complete opposite. Unlike a lot of people, I am not in denial of my illness. I knew something just didn’t feel right. So I began the long battle of trying to find out what was going on. Looking back now I see that I had been manic cot quite some time. Long enough to fill 3 notebooks full of original poetry. But went even further back to my first depressed episode. But that one didn’t last long. Thank God. I was in high school and had a job. I always prided myself on being a very hard worker. But when this episode happened to me, I was debilitated. I had to stop working and apply for disability. During the entire time we were waiting for my disability, I still hadn’t been properly diagnosed. I was accused of faking it. I asked for a second opinion which was sabotaged by the ARNP I was seeing at the time. I told the director of the counseling center I was going to and she put with another practitioner who had me diagnosed and on my way to recovery within 2 months. But during all that time, I lost myself and eventually my marriage. I’m devastated.
I was in a relationship from being thirteen to twenty six. The end of that relationship sparked off a series of events which makes me wonder whether or not I would qualify for Bipolar I rather than the Bipolar II I feel confident to admit to.
Being thirteen when you get into a relationship there are a lot of certainties and romantic notions of true love. I think as an adult you have to really go into things a little more open-eyed. I recently got into a relationship with a wonderful person. I don’t know how long it will last, I don’t know what we’re really going to progress to if anything at all. I don’t have status in the country that I live in currently and that means the relationship has a shelf-life by default, regardless of how well it works. I’m STILL doing it though because I make her happy and she makes me happy. We’ll work the rest out.
We all have the opportunity for happiness. I think we stand a much better chance of achieving REAL happiness than a lot of healthier people because we are armed with self-awareness and our empathy has a good incentive to be stronger than the next persons.
Stick at it and don’t look for “Prince Charming” or “The One”. Seek out people who engage you and make you happy. If you do the same for them, take a shot.
I stopped using words like “Forever” and “Never”, especially with regards to love and attraction. They don’t really have a place in a thinking person’s lexicon in that context. Dealing with a mental illness teaches you the useless, poisonous nature of wishful thinking. We’re programmed to be looking for that special relationship that will see us out to the end of our days always fearing the prospect that such a relationship may not exist or may not be right for us.
Chase the genuine experiences and the REAL people. Communicate honestly and don’t allow romantic, B-grade movie notions of how your relationship SHOULD look or be to affect the way you relate to and love each other.
It might not last ‘Forever’ – Guess what, neither do we.
All the best,
H&J
http://www.thebipolarbum.com
I just came out of a nine month relationship with a bipolar woman. It almost destroyed me and left me seriously angry, hurt, confused and depressed. I’ve known four bipolars in my life and they were all wicked mean. Drugs may help with mood swings, but they don’t do a thing for the other symptoms of bipolarism, not the least of which is weird and insensitive behavior towards others (especially loved ones), strange logic, habitual lying, compulsiveness and obsessiveness, chronic infidelity, etc. etc. And God help you if you should try to gently point out to a bipolar that the behavior they direct at you is abnormal or hurtful or completely unacceptable. They will become violently angry in the blink of an eye and spew toxic actions and words at you like a rabid machine gun. In my case the woman literally went on her Facebook page and ranted and raved for weeks complete fabrications about me to 400-500 people around the planet and so embarrassed me I had to terminate all my social media accounts. I will NEVER associate with a bipolar again. They are crazy as loons and mean as rattlesnakes.
Hello, Rand Clark
Not sure if I should laugh or cry?
Lets just say I feel your pain and I am on the other End.
I want to say I have was raised by an abusive father to learn later why he was soo CRazY! He was Bipolar and I always Said I would never be like Him!
Sad truth the apple did not fall from the tree and never does.
To make matters worse I would seek help by are Moron Doctors and their toxic deceiving drugs whom would later destroy my life and make me some psychotic insane person as Well. People may feel good on there Drugs> They do not think straight or rationalize like normal persons though they may thank they do. I Honesty have not met one yet.
I do not care how smart you are or how much money you make that is another issue!
I have been on drugs and lied too. I treated myself for what I am lacking and it is night and day! I know I think different and rationalize better that is a fact but to late for me doctors already destroyed my life. Why they destroyed my life> they never told me what was causing it and it was certain foods! My health still is failing because I keep eating the wrong foods which was the main cause in the first place. I am still learning what I should avoid. I am still learning and the truth. Doctors and so called shrinks will never tell you! They will Just treat the Fuckin symptom and let you kill yourself! Is this world Population control or is this just big Drug companies trying to get rich? More or less we are not there best interest. I can deal with failing health but at least this time I am coherent and rational and no what is killing me.
I feel bad doctors treat people with drugs and try to balance there mind and it never works
though people feel if it were not for the drugs they wouldn’t not be alive!
Wait 20 years and post here what heath problems you acquired over the years as well as brain damage.
I contacted and met my Evil father after 25 plus years and I can’t believe what Drugs did to him words can’t describe!
I can now honestly say Gluten intolerance was his Problem but it is now to late for him.
He has nerve entrapment in his back more or less he is almost paralyzed. He is on oxycodone for the pain. He is also on blood thinners and is coughing up blood so I am not sure how long he has left. More or less he saw Doctors all his life and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and he was insane all his life and he has now paid the final price.
Why I mentioned brains and money he was a very smart Man. 4.0 plus grade average made more money than most people could imagine but he was insane and never could rationalize with people it was always about him! I had to live with the abuse and violence! I saw how he thought and dealt with issues> constant hollering sweating anxiety, depression and psychotic moments. I think he just does not want to see it or he really is clueless? He was out of his Mind on Drugs and Eating the wrong foods. The Rash on his Forehead told the story. I had it on my Hands and it was from eating Gluten and yes it will drive you insane.
Point I am trying to get. Doctors Give Bipolar people a bad name.
If you are diagnosed as Bipolar you need to go gluten free! Quit eating gluten products as well as corn and rice as I found out to late.
I really believe eating Gluten is why older people get Dementia and bi-polar persons experience this earlier in life.
Wheat will kill us all in the end. Wheat has 55+ more Gluten than it did 400AD
because we modified Wheat. Celiac or gluten intolerance didn’t exist!
http://www.glutenfreesociety.org/gluten-free-society-blog/modern-wheat-breeding-increases-celiac-disease-occurrence/
To bad My father wasn’t treated properly as he would have been a great father but it was not going to happen in this world were greed is more important!
Why wasn’t I told the truth all the years being treated by Doctors of Hell > Fuck you all I will pay all you MF Back before I leave this World.
That is my Dream!
Thank you Holistic Doctors for the Help and the truth!
Steve
I need help. I don’t know what to do. My gf is spiralling down and she just broke up with me. I love her so much. I have been reading all your blogs on healthy website and trying to educate myself. I know she loves me and wants to be with me… I just don’t know what to do. I want to support her… But she is pushing me so hard away… And now she broke up with me and I feel pretty horrible. I want her and want to be with her. She can’t hear me. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me that’s the reason she is breaking up with me is because she loves me.
What do I do?
How can I stay with her when she says I can’t
How can I support her when she just shuts me out.
I love her so much. I want to be with her so much. I just want to support her and love her but she doesn’t want to be loved.
What do I need to say or do to get through to her?
I don’t want her feeling like I’ve abandoned her
How do I show her…
I’m desperate… I just want to beg her to stay with me.
Please help me…
I love her so very much. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. How do I show her?
Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am braking into a million pieces…..
Hi Anonymous,
I also had a “best friend” whose problems seemed to take precedence over mine. Maybe because she was so dramatic and vocal about her problems – no one could possibly suffer as much as she has…know what I mean? Also, I knew this person for a long time and adored her. We had a unique bond. Lots of serendipitous weirdness. We would finish each other’s sentences, and even had conversations while asleep. Sadly, in the end, I realized that she really wasn’t a friend for the long hall or a friend in bad times. It took a long time, and an incident that put me in a scary situation to see this. I saw at that moment that the bad had outweighed the good. Sure, we had a lot of great times, but as years passed, she became selfish, judgemental, intolerant, inconsiderate, and sometimes really CRUEL (so I understand what you mean about people writing off rude comments as “just my humor”). She was also subtlely manipulative and wasn’t opposed to using underhanded means to get her way. Ending things with her was stressful.
As for relationships, I think bipolar can make things hard. When I’m depressed, sometimes I don’t even want to speak, much less have a serious conversation about the direction of a relationship. If it’s a looong episode of depression, I may even believe that I’ve morphed into something worse than sewage. Not good. Dating’s a bitch during these times, or non-existent. Mostly non-existent.
I also go for months, even years between relationships. I don’t worry about it much. It comes when it comes – that’s been my experience anyway. In the past I would fill this time with lots of productive activities and really enjoyed these periods, but this time around, not so much. As far as settling, I don’t get involved with people unless there is something about them that I actually like, and I imagine it is probably the same for most folks. Attraction is a mysterious thing. So many moving pieces that swirl and combine to create something beautiful or something fatal. One of my friends met her future husband over the phone. He apparently called the wrong number, they ended up having a long conversation, met, dated, married. Bang! On the other hand, a long and happy marriage can end in murder.
Thank you for understanding! It means a lot. Ugh, the thing that kills me about abusive friends is that you often trust them more than a potential date! At least with relationships, you are allowed to distrust and get your feet wet before you commit. With a friend, they always manipulate you by playing the sympathy card. “But we’re best friends forever! Partners in crime!” They can go from “best friends” to nothing like it never mattered, but you still believe them when they apologize. The truth is, a friendship can be just as devastating as a relationship, maybe more. A friend can really ruin your self-esteem because you let them treat you worse than a partner. It’s amazing how much we forgive friends just because they are not the opposite sex.
I guess it’s a case of familiarity breeds contempt. Sometimes it’s the people closest to you who can be the cruelest. Very good point that sometimes ending a friendship is harder than a relationship. I had a hard time – probably made worse because I’m a sentimental fool, but mostly because I really loved and cared about her like a sister. No one can really hurt you unless you love them after all.
Yes, I’ve felt this way. I was set straight very early on though. Not by a partner, thankfully, but a friend. I was dealing with their suicide attempts and abuse at an early age (15). After the guilt subsided and they seemed stable enough to survive, I could finally let them go. But that was after years of playing suicide watch vigilante/therapist. I felt free after that. There’s NO WAY in hell I would put up with an abusive partner. I dealt with the manipulations of my “best friend” every day until I felt totally immune to abuse. Something in me kicked in and looked at the bigger picture. I don’t “only deserve” people who are “abnormal” like me. That’s just a message society seems to feed young kids with problems. After a lot of soul-searching I’ve discovered a person to date, someone I care about who I would have ignored in my past depression/nihilism. Unfortunately I’m not ready for a full time relationship yet but that’s another story. I want to feel stable and happy first. It’s also because of what I went through that I will NEVER disrespect, undermine, or insult someone near me. I don’t care what disgusting things were said in someone’s household, or what disgusting things a person thinks is acceptable to call others bc they are ill. I’ve heard mentally ill people write off rude comments as “my humor” or “just a joke.” The truth is, it’s not. There’s a subconscious seriousness to their hostility. I know firsthand how someone you trust can undermine you. I am beyond sensible enough not to be with someone abusive. Especially who could control me on a romantic level. I just could never be that stupid (sorry if that offends people).
“I just could never be that stupid (sorry if that offends people)”.
No, this isn’t offensive. It seems to me the people who judge others so quickly have made plenty of stupid mistakes themselves. The only difference is they weren’t judged so harshly.
He who cast the first stone…
Broken with Bipolar
Great article Natasha you couldn’t have said it better.
I go to work every day and come home to myself! I am a prisoner in my own world.
I cannot say I am depressed or if I do it is because I am alone. I can work fine with people but deep down I am very different then them so I isolate myself after work. I would Love to meet someone like me because I could relate and so could she. Today After work I stopped at the bar to have a glass of Red wine just so I could feel what it is like to be normal as I watched some people singing. I had about half a glass and left knowing I could never drink it all or I would become sick.
To bad your site couldn’t help bring us together. I know there are others who feel the same.
I think the only thing that has kept me going was my kids but I also feel they are not enough anymore I must be slipping. I do not see a purpose in this world anymore.
What haunts me >I know my kids will be like me in another 15-20 years which I do not want to be around to see them suffer as I.
Fack: Wheat put us here and it will repeat itself and I try to encourage my kids to stay away from Wheat but as kids it is hard.
Lost in Lakeville MN
Steve
Thank you Natasha, you hit it out of the ball park with this article. I am not in a writing mood, don’t know why it is such a struggle for me sometimes. Just wanted to thank you so much for letting me glimpse myself in your words. I have been single now for 13 years and I won’t settle like I did in the past. Hopefully one day, I will find a healthy, respectful love, but if not, I am learning to be okay with that too. Loving myself is a full time endeavor.
Hugs from a fan, Victoria
Thanks Natasha for this. It’s comforting to hear that other bipolar people often feel broken. I feel broken and damaged quite often and find that I never feel like I’m good enough for my husband and I have a constant paranoia that he will get tired of my issues and fall out of love with me. Luckily, he always reassures me that this will never happen. I agree that us BP peeps let ourselves settle into unhealthy or often abusive relationships because I have been through several. As for responding to Cameron asking how a relationship between 2 BP people would work; I warn against it. My ex husband was bipolar and at the time I hadn’t been diagnosed yet. The 2 of us were like oil and water. We loved to hate each other and there was always constant drama and heartache. I think that 1 person being BP is tough enough and you need your partner to be more stable so they can cope with your mood swings. Maybe my ex husband wouldn’t be my ex if we were both medicated and aware of our conditions, or maybe not. I still feel that my marriage was doomed because we were constantly battling each other.
I have been married for 12 years now and never knew “what was really wrong” with me until just 6 months ago when I finally went to a psychiatrist and it was confirmed. My husband doesn’t understand any part of the mind disease and his is such a wonderful man, very loving and caring and patient and I am very blessed to have him in my life and as the father to our son. That being said, and I am so reluctant to even say this after reading the other comments, but I feel like I sabotage our relationship because I truly do not feel like I deserve something so wonderful.
We have had our hard times as we are a blended family and his daughter tore our marriage apart for the better part of it and we are in the healing process of that now that she is grown and out of the house, but I am very reluctant to make the very best of what I have because of my feelings of not deserving it. We could have so much more and it could be so much more fulfilling for both of us, if only.. It isn’t because he doesn’t make me feel like I cant be 100% free with him but more because I feel like I don’t deserve to have that fabulous marriage I know we are capable of having. I visualize. I daydream and I long for so much more, so much happiness, the capability of being able to reach out and approach him with my loving arms. I think about it all day long. Then I get home and it is the furthest thing from my mind and the thought of acting out what I imagined all day freaks me out.
Some day maybe. I wont stop dreaming. I wont stop imagining it. And he says he wont stop waiting for that day. He is in this for the long haul and is very supportive. That alone should be reason enough you would think.
I think that broken feeling comes and goes. I feel very broken when I’ve been depressed for months on end. On a good day, though, I don’t. I sometimes feel people around me are more broken than I could ever be. I also think that everyone has been in a bad relationship or two. And everyone has also had some good ones. That is, unless you’ve never been in one. Relationships are a crapshoot. They are inherently risky. Anytime you put your heart out there you may hit the lover’s jackpot, or you may lose. It is just a universal truth. If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t bother writing songs about it. There are also lots of elements that come into play. I’ve heard stories of people who were happily married for YEARS, and one day one kills the other. I, personally, feel broken when I am utterly depressed – but know I am less broken than a sociopath because I do not need to prey on people to feel powerful. A sociopath is broken because they’re cowardly, and they cannot fix what is broken inside so they prey – I don’t think they have a particular type. They simply prey on anything that is remotely vulnerable. This could be your grandmother, a neighborhood child, a stray dog or cat, the man in a wheelchair, and unfortunately, people who are mentally ill. You want to know what else is broken? People’s inability to perceive their own ignorance, people who are so afraid of varying realities that they will attack you for being different simply to preserve their own view of reality. These include fundamentalists, the klu klux klan, and Rush Limbaugh. Open minded people do not need to do this.
I may be broken, but in exchange, I’ve felt gloriously happy just to be alive, and I’ve also felt as if I’ve fallen to the seventh layer of hell.
It is with great interest that I read this article as I have been in a relationship for quite some time now and have bipolar disorder. Although it has its ups and downs I feel genuinely loved and appreciated. I don’t feel broken, and I most especially don’t feel ‘damaged’ because I have bipolar disorder. I don’t feel bad about myself because of my disorder and I realize it is merely something I ‘have’-not having anything to do with who I am as a person. I consider that on so many levels people are generally insecure about their own issues (bipolar or not) and their low self-esteem may lead them down on a path of a love that lacks lustre. There are so many reasons why a person cannot like themselves and this causes a type of ‘settling’ at times. We all have relationships problems and nothing is EVER amazing at all times, but if you are in love and enjoying your life together more than not, then perhaps the struggles are worth the effort. I don’t give my boyfriend a big prize for accepting my bipolar disorder because really the only important element in all of this is that ‘I’ accept having bipolar disorder and know who I am aside from it. :)
I feel like this. I feel like bipolar disorder is a major negative about me as a relationship risk. It is a big negative to have any major disability. Especially one that has impacted my finances so that now I am dirt poor and trying to find my way out of that. Who wants to hitch their wagon to someone who is disabled and poor? Let’s face it, that does not sound like a winning profile for Match.com.
Now, realistically, I know everyone has their positives and negatives, and I have plenty of positives that make me a good person to have as a friend or a partner.
But stigma is real. We all have heard the horror stories of the “psycho ex girlfriend.” There’s a whole lot of crap out there by guys about their “bipolar” exes. Some of it is true. Some of it no doubt reflects the overlap of bipolar and borderline and the tendency of narcissists and sociopaths to seek out relationships with borderlines. Narcissists and sociopaths make very negative exes.
Still, that means everybody and his brother out there has heard of how horrible it is to be in a relationship with a bipolar chick.
It’s tough to adopt and maintain a positive attitude.
Thank you. Beautifully written. I do share the sorrow of feeling “broken beyond repair” at times.
I would love to read the thoughts of those with bipolar who are in relationships with another bipolar person. Does it work, or is it a receipe for disaster?