I firmly believe that suicide prevention starts with a conversation. A conversation that can stop suicide can be initiated by the person feeling suicidal or someone around them; regardless, a conversation is the starting point. But it can be very intimidating to talk about suicide. There are all kinds of “rules” when you talk about suicide, and political correctness affects the language you are “allowed” to use. I say forget all that. Suicide prevention starts with a conversation that makes sense to you, not the PC police.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2020 Starts Suicide Prevention Conversations (Hopefully)

World Suicide Prevention Day 2020 is September 10th. World Suicide Prevention Day is a day to take a careful look at suicide, suicide attempts and what we can all do to prevent them. Of course, as a person with bipolar disorder, I’m acutely aware that about 11 percent of people with bipolar disorder die of suicide and up to half of all people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide (more on talking bipolar and suicide here). However, while this is the case, it certainly doesn’t mean that people have to have bipolar disorder to be suicidal. Suicidality attacks so many for so many reasons; that’s why it’s up to all of us to work to prevent suicide and attempts.

But the thing is, this is hard. Having even a conversation around suicide and suicide prevention is hard. Just saying the word “suicide” to a loved one you think may be in distress, or saying the word “suicide” to a loved one when you are suicidal is a huge challenge. That’s why I think we shouldn’t put additional rules around that conversation. Yes, there are ways to speak about suicide and suicide attempts that are more recommended than others (and I’ll talk about some of that below) but what matters is that we start talking. What matters is that we start having suicide conversations — whether we get the technical details wrong or not.

Why Are Conversations that Could Prevent Suicide Hard?

Conversations can literally prevent suicide and suicide attempts and if we know this, then why are they so hard? Why do we avoid them so much?

Well, from the perspective of a person who suspects their loved one may be suicidal, it’s scary because of the threat of death. No one wants to believe their loved one is in so much pain as to consider suicide — so we deny that it’s even a possibility. If we don’t say it out loud then it simply doesn’t exist. Suicide is so scary so as to force that logical fallacy, denial, on people. I get it. Loved ones are also afraid that talking about suicide might make it worse or they’re worried about what might happen if they’re wrong.

From the perspective of a person who actually is suicidal there seems to be innumerable reasons to avoid suicide-related conversations. In no particular order:

  • The person doesn’t want to admit to feeling suicidal — which may be viewed as a weakness or character flaw either by them or their loved one.
  • The person doesn’t want to die and doesn’t want to think about their death in spite of the fact that something is drawing them to suicide.
  • They are scared that talking about suicide might actually make things worse.
  • They don’t want to upset/disappoint/worry/etc. their loved ones.
  • They are scared of what their loved ones might do with the information.
  • They are scared that other people will find out.

And that’s just off the top of my head. When it comes to admitting to suicidality, fear reins.

The Truth About Conversations Around Suicide

I understand all of the above points. I have been in the shoes of someone who was suicidal and I know how hard it is to talk about it. I know how many times I didn’t talk about it. But I also know that conversations can prevent suicide and suicide attempts so we absolutely must get over our own fears and have them.

What you need to know about suicide-related conversations is this:

  • A conversation about suicide doesn’t create suicidality in a person nor does it encourage people to act on their suicidal feelings/thoughts.
  • While a conversation about suicide is hard, it’s worth it. Imagine if something terrible happened after you chose to say nothing. Preventing a bad outcome is worth the discomfort of the conversation.
  • While there are “best” ways to talk about suicide, in the end, they don’t matter nearly as much as just being open, honest and vulnerable.

Suicide Prevention Conversations Started by a Loved One

If you’re the loved one of a person who may be suicidal, consider these tips when starting a conversation:

  • Find a time and space where you and your loved one are calm and in private.
  • Use straight talk. Don’t dance around what you’re trying to say. Don’t use euphemisms. Say the word “suicide.” You’re concerned this person might die or harm themselves gravely. Say it.
  • State why you are concerned about the person’s safety. Make sure this is accompanied by information about how much you care about the loved one and that suicidality does not change the way you view your loved one.
  • As I said, be open, honest and vulnerable. Speak from your heart. This will be hard. That’s okay.
  • If you’re not sure exactly what to say or how to say it then say that. Don’t let this stand in the way of opening up such an important conversation.
  • Listen without judgment. This is critical. If the person feels judged, they are unlikely to open up and be honest with you. Judging a person or denying what a person is feeling is a good way to alienate and further distress a person. Remember, even though this is hard, you want this person to come to you with their needs. You need to respect their needs in order for that to happen, though.
  • Make sure you know the next step to take if your loved one is suicidal. If you’re not sure, you can always call the suicide hotline for your region with your loved one and if you fear for the immediate safety of your loved one, then call 9-1-1. Their life is worth it.

Suicide Prevention Conversations Started by the Person Who Is Suicidal

My advice is similar to anyone who might be suicidal.

  • Find a time and space where you and your loved one are calm and in private.
  • Use straight talk. Don’t dance around what you’re trying to say. Don’t use euphemisms. Say the word “suicide.” You’re concerned about your very life. Say it.
  • State why you are concerned about your safety. This is very hard but it’s the way to get help.
  • Be open, honest and vulnerable. Speak from your heart. This will be hard. That’s okay.
  • If you’re not sure exactly what to say or how to say it then say that. Don’t let this stand in the way of opening up such an important conversation.
  • Make sure you know the next step you want to take. If you’re not sure, you can always call the suicide hotline for your region with your loved one and if you fear for your immediate, then call 9-1-1. Your life is worth it.

Recommended Ways to Talk About Suicide

As I said, there are some generally agreed-upon ways to talk about suicide and suicide attempts. The big thing to remember is not to put any judgment around suicide. Don’t make suicide sound like a goal or an answer. Also, do not paint it as a moral failing or sin. Suicide is an act that is usually a symptom of an illness. Remember that.

In general:

  • Don’t say someone “committed suicide.” Instead, say someone “died by suicide.”
  • Don’t say a suicide attempt was “failed” or “successful.” Instead, just keep to saying a person “attempted suicide” or “died by suicide.”
  • Don’t inadvertently glamorize suicide by talking about famous people who have died by suicide.

But, like I said, conversations can prevent suicide so it’s much more important that we have them rather than focusing on us having them “right.” If your loved one is suicidal, focus on how much you love that person and how much you want to help them. What matters is that they get help, not the, perhaps, winding way they got there. If you are suicidal, focus on how you honestly feel. You are not alone in feeling that way. Only by being open and honest can you get the help you need to get out of the pain that is driving you to a place of suicide.

So this World Suicide Prevention Day 2020, let’s focus on the conversations we can all have to save people’s lives. The discomfort of those conversations absolutely pales in comparison to what we have to gain.

See more suicide posts, here.

Specific tips on how to help someone who may be suicidal by the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be found here.