Why Haven’t You Killed Yourself Already?
Why Depressed People Don’t Kill Themselves
Many people with bipolar depression are suicidal. Not all, of course, but many. Most people with bipolar depression, in fact, most people who are suicidal, do not kill themselves though. In fact, you can live with suicidality for years without ever killing yourself or even attempting to kill yourself.
And while people stay alive for many reasons, I have my own reasons for not killing myself.
Staying Alive While Suicidal
People have different reasons for surviving with suicidal bipolar depression and I have no desire to take away any of those reasons. One I hear frequently is children. People don’t want to die because they know the effect it would have on their children. This is a pretty good reason not to kill yourself; I’d say.
But other people don’t commit suicide for other reasons. While it may seem odd to some, some people stay alive for their pets. Or family members. Or friends. Or fear of the after-life. Or just plain, old-fashioned hope. There is no shortage of reasons not to kill yourself.
Why I Haven’t Killed Myself During Bipolar Depression?
But the question people ask me frequently is, “why haven’t you just killed yourself?” Their point, and it’s a good one, is if I’ve spent years of my life suicidal, what is keeping me alive?
Staying Alive With Suicidal Bipolar Depression
I believe that humans have an innate, biological drive to survive. In fact all life does. Life exists to propagate life. It’s why people have kids. It’s why plants have seeds. It’s why humans don’t eat their whiny, leaking, screaming, inconvenient young. If we didn’t, we would all just kill ourselves when life got too hard. But we don’t. The vast majority of us never even attempt suicide.
I tend to picture this like a candle flame. It seems that no matter how much you blow on it, the candle insists on flickering away, no matter what. And it’s why so many people who have failed at a suicide attempt are grateful to still be here. They find their candle. It’s still lit. Even though they thought it wasn’t.
Life is a Game, Love
It is my opinion that life is very much like a giant game of checkers. We move the pieces as does an invisible opponent. Sometimes things are going very badly for us and sometimes we’re runaway winners. But we are not the game. The game is not us.
But sometimes we get so wrapped up in the game it feels like winning and losing is the only thing that matters. Sometimes we can’t separate ourselves from the pieces. Sometimes it feels like the losses experienced in the game stab us in the heart.
Suicide, though, is like acting like a two-year-old. It’s like picking up the board and throwing it across the room. Very few people will pick up the checkerboard and throw it across the room no matter how badly the game is going.
The Separation of Reality and Life
So if life is a game, and reality is so much bigger than that, then that separation can help us live. We can try to remember that the pain that feels so incredibly, horrifically real is really happening to a little piece of plastic. We’re bigger than the pain. We’re bigger than the game.
If I try to remember that, then I can find a reason to live. I can see that no matter what, the game can turn around. I can see that picking up the board and throwing it across the room is not the reasonable thing to do. I can see that life has meaning beyond the pain.
Avoiding Suicide Even During Bipolar Depression
I’m not suggesting that this line of thought will help everyone. I’m suggesting that it helps me. I’m suggesting that remembering that life is bigger than the pain and that we all have the drive to survive is something that can keep you alive from day-to-day. I can’t promise it will lessen the pain, but I can say that a perspective change can keep you alive. And that matters. Because the game will change and you should be there to see it.
Dare - March 15, 2013 ←
Someone in the comments talked about the difference in moral weight people give to elderly suicide and suicide of people with mental health problems. While it is true that I’m not likely to “die anyway” in the near future simply because I have bipolar disorder, I agree with what the commenter said…why not give the suicidal person a break if they want to let go? For all grandma knows she might go into remission tomorrow. So should we never let them off the hook either? They might have another 10 years and will delay the grieving period for everyone. Unfortunately it isn’t up to the family/friends when they will grieve over their loved one, suicide or not.
To Natasha: I think you are exaggerating the analogy of the chess game. IMO suicide is declining to continue the game when you see no further moves. It is not throwing the game across the room. I don’t think it is being childish and I think it’s wrong to ridicule people that have made that choice.
I personally would have respect for a suicidal person who can say that they know they could continue living but for reasons they have determined to be sufficient they are choosing to end their life. I am not saying that they should do this rashly or never seek out other perspectives.
I just think everyone has a right to make their own choices and if someone’s choice is to quit living, they are allowed to do so. Soldiering on is admirable and it is absolutely true that many people think they cannot continue when they really can. For those who have decided they cannot…it is ultimately for them to gauge and decide. And if they don’t want to go on, is that such a horrible stance to have?
Natasha Tracy - March 15, 2013 ←
Dare,
“Why not give the suicidal person a break if they want to let go…”
It’s not about a break. Why not give the person treatment? I have been in a place where I wanted to kill myself more times than I can count, but every time treatment has made a difference. Bipolar disorder doesn’t have to be lethal. Treatment is available and _something_ _will_ work, although it may take a lot of time to find.
Doctors have given up on me. Essentially they told me to die. They were always wrong. I’ve moved on every time.
Is wanting to die a horrible stance to have? Not horrible. Normal. But not in need of death, in need of help.
- Natasha Tracy
Steven - March 15, 2013 ←
Natasha,
I agree that a suicidal person is in need of help, but not death. However, I have been told many times during my multiple hospitalizations that thoughts of suicide are not “natural” and are “horrible”.
i just don’t understand how trained professionals don’t get that thinking about suicide is “normal” for me. It is not that I want to die; it is just where my brain wanders to during periods of depression. I don’t want my bipolar disorder to be a fatal illness, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t have these thoughts or feelings.
I may want to throw the checker board game. But I won’t, because I hope to win the next game. There will always be a next game. And they better watch out because when I go hypomanic (and I know I will at some time) they will not stand a chance.
Majo - February 21, 2013 ←
i havent killed myself because of my mom…
Jessi - December 26, 2012 ←
This article is my life. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I can even count for suicide attempts/plans/ideation. Ever since I was 14, and that’s only when people caught on, it had been a struggle since puberty basically. I always told someone. It was always last minute, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything I would. They only saw the depression and the pills they gave me made me so much worse. I’m so thankful that I’ve made it through, I’ve learned coping strategies and have medication that actually makes me feel okay. And even then I still have bad episodes where I truly want to die. But now I have the knowledge to know to weather the storm or go somewhere safe (friends, family or hospital) you can want to die and not want to die at the same time
Beth - December 20, 2012 ←
Thank you for this article and thank you to everyone who replied. I have had SI for as long as I can remember. I also survived 2 suicide attempts. My father in-law took his life on Monday and I’m surprised by my feelings. I’m angry. And, I feel guilty for the anger because I KNOW. I know the pain. I get it. I don’t know what else to say right now, except to thank all of you again for your comments – I’m not alone and neither are you.
Ralf - December 17, 2012 ←
There have been times I’ve thought, “I can always kill myself tomorrow.”
Sometimes procrastination is your friend.
tabby - December 15, 2012 ←
someone who kills themselves is a coward. someone who tries to kill themselves, is self-absorbed.
harsh statements. yet, no one really looks at the fact.. the bottom line… someone wants to die and longs for it, in order to end something so intensely incinerating within their spirit.
no.. it’s not pain from cancer or pain from nerve damage. no, that would be ALMOST acceptable. Funny, how that is. Someone who has an extremely terminal and horrifically painful degression to the end, medically diagnosed… folks can ALMOST accept that person’s will to be done. Heck, there are even legal documents one can sign or have their families take over and draft up, when the one is no longer able – legally.
Yet… Bipolar pain or Major Depressive pain or schizophrenia pain… nope, not acceptable. Why? cause it’s not real, not to most, not to the majority. You can do something about it, you can turn your life around, you can think “up” instead of “down”, you need to take yourself out of yourself you self-absorbed bastard/bitch and focus on others, etc.. etc.. etc..
You must choose life because your family needs you. Family, who begrudges you – berates you – rolls their eyes when you are needing to be to yourself, or who have totally written you off as a loser and a failure. Yeah… okay, it would be heartbreaking and the damage long lasting. Same for if someone died of cancer or a heart attack, but no.. you chose this.. they didn’t chose the cancer or heart attack. Hmmm… thereby, it leads back to “it’s not real, its’ just in your head and your way of thinking.”
So… choose to live in & with the visceral excruciating pain of Bipolar depression that only a magnitude of chemically concocted harsh meds can render you near comatose to suppress… all in order to “save” the family any undue pain and distress. Or, choose to end your undue pain and distress of having to live with the visceral excruciating pain that is as real as if someone were burning you from the inside out… that only a bag of multiple colored pills could render you docile in order to suppress.
Either way… life, itself, has little importance. It’s to keep yourself around so others won’t suffer and by keeping yourself around, and the appointments – bills – pills – and ills… you cause suffering in and around those you are keeping yourself around for… cause, if they are like mine – they are oh so quick to remind you of it, each and every day.
Oh, but that’s right… I forget… it’s all in my head and I could just “think” it differently.
BTW: I struggle through those blackened days (cause really it takes so much courage NOT to that mere “normies” have no effing clue of) because if I kill myself I do believe that I will be separated from my loved ones and my God, The God, when I pass on.
Ridiculous as that may seem to many nowadays, the thought that I’d not see God or walk in the garden with Jesus – see my mom & grandparents who have long passed or the little animals I’ve lived amongst since I was 3 – or to even see my beautiful daughter grow up and what immeasurable pain i would cause for her (cause really she is the only one that matters)… just keeps me clinging to myself and rocking to and fro…. when life gets to living it every 10 minutes.
Life can be measured in mere 10 minute periods, little 10 minute hurdles to jump over… just to get where the pain subsides just a wee bit… cause even a wee bit, is a whole lot to a suicidally depressed person.
wilf - December 15, 2012 ←
Children is the why for me? As well the hope again u nailed it. 2 days before my first psych visit sb interesting
Sarah - December 14, 2012 ←
Brilliant article but perhaps not the wisest choice of title? It’s topical and catchy, yes, but if my relative were suicidal I wouldn’t want them to read this question, and then stop reading.
Leslie Neshama - December 14, 2012 ←
~~I agree with the others, Natasha. What you are writing here is epic, and hugely comforting.
I have carried suicidal thoughts for many many years. The thought of the pain I would leave with those left behind is not something I think I can do.
When I am suicidal, I cannot do it to Them, ,,,,and that is a good thing.
If we kill ourselves, we are ending our pain, but it will be leaving a legacy of pain for those that love us.
When I can no longer carry the burden of suicidal depression, I ask for more help – sometimes I will need the hospital to keep me safe, when I cannot do that for Me.
I talk to my psychiatrist about suicide, and have learned that talking greatly discharges some of the pain. My thoughts are exposed, en plein aire, and I do not have to be ashamed. Suddenly I am not alone, and the despair can be seen and recognized as despair.
If you have chronic suicidal thoughts, you can survive them. One day at a time, one night at a time.
Pain cometh in the evenings, but joy cometh with the dawn.
April - December 14, 2012 ←
I’m still here because my son. I don’t think he could make it without me because he is developmentally delayed and extremely clingy. When I was single though it was my cats. I know it sounds weird, but their unconditional love kept me going when they were alive. I think God put them in my life for a reason. I adopted them from my friend who had to give them up. Now that they are both gone I miss them more than I do some people. My mom had severe depression when I was little and now that she is passed away I wish she was here so I could talk to here about how she made it through bad times. She died of cancer at the age of 49. Thank you for having the courage to talk about your struggles because it really helps a lot of people.
April
abbie - December 14, 2012 ←
Natasha this post is epic & the timing couldn’t be better, IMHO. I’m grateful that you addressed the comment saying that the person was “a coward” & that’s why they didn’t self-destruct. I am with you, that it takes INFINITELY more courage to keep on keepin’ on. The first time suicide touched my life I knew it was that person’s way of copping out. His life must have been miserable, at that time, to be sure, but EVERYONE has times that are seemingly insurmountable, and WHAT gave him the right to QUIT? That’s what I thought as a teenager and that’s pretty much what I think now. Taking away every possibility of turning the pain and misery around, is the coward’s way out. I know mental pain and I know hopelessness, but it’s not just a cliche’ that when you hit the bottom, you can only go up. Someone said “Don’t quit right before the miracle”.
VenusH - December 14, 2012 ←
I believe in reincarnation and once i had a “this might your last existence, don’t screw up” talk. THere is no way out in my belief system…. it’s merely restarting and losing all gains….
and I do remind myself I matter and i have yet to achieve some things. and as avid traveler, knowing there are places I still haven’t seen keeps me alive as well.
Jake - December 14, 2012 ←
Luck and determination keeps me alive. Nice post Natasha.
Delby Morrison - December 14, 2012 ←
The sole reason is b/c my parents are still alive and it would wreck their lives. No other reason.
Harry - December 13, 2012 ←
I’m not suicidal now but when I was the one thing that held me back was the fear of dying. Not fear of death itself – that would have been most welcome, but being scared witless of the dying bit! Disembowelment? Ooooh! That could hurt a lot. Jumping under a train?How mjuch woukd that hurt? I mean, it was pain that I wanted to escape from, the pain of that state of mental anguish, so I wasn’t enthralled by the idea of causing myself more agonies,even if it were for a short moment.
Donna - December 30, 2012 ←
This is the first time I’ve explored blogs on bipolar. And, Harry, it’s the first time I realized someone else goes through and thinks just like me. You mean I’m not the only one who thinks these crazy thoughts?
Harry - December 30, 2012 ←
Yep! Join the club, Donna! We’re the “BP Survivors Club”, by accident or design, we’ve just about got through another year! :¬)
Amy - December 13, 2012 ←
Hi Natasha,
One of the most perplexing things about being suicidal is this notion that you have to stay alive so everyone else will be okay. People with terminal illnesses can make the decision to stop treatment because they want the suffering to stop, and that is acceptable. They put up the “good fight”. They should be allowed to make the choice to end their suffering. If someone who is depressed, who has struggled with the inability to feel happiness and feels there is nothing to look forward to decides to end their suffering by ending their life, then that is seen as a selfish act. Childish even, as you say in your blog–throwing the game board across the room. I have talked to people who have lost loved ones to suicide and they always talk about how selfish it is. And it pisses me off.
I think in many cases bipolar disorder, or any mental illness, can be viewed as a terminal illness. I have had this diagnosis for 15 years and I certainly never expected to live this long. It is a strange comfort to me to know I can stop the depression, confusion, anxiety, hopelessness if I choose to. (This is one reason we don’t keep a handgun in the house.) I’m still here. And I put myself in the hospital this summer when I realized I was squirreling away lethal doses of my medication, thinking about who I would give my horse to, trying to prepare my husband.
The point is, it is a struggle to live this way. And for me, it is just as much a challenge as fighting any terminal illness. The difference is, if I died of cancer, no one would think I was being selfish.
Thanks for the post. I’m glad you aren’t afraid to talk about it.
wendy - January 30, 2013 ←
I hear you, I have said many times I would rather have cancer than depression. I have been living with this probably since my teens or before. I was not diagnosied until my twenties and am now in my fifties. I just would like to wake up and have these feelings be gone. I get pissed off also when people say you are selfish. I takes a lot of guts to try suicide, I know I have tried it twice. The second time I really wanted to die.
Liza - December 13, 2012 ←
when I’m so down, I truly wanne kill myself, but do not have the energy to do so. I’ve no thoughts about anything/anybody to keep me here, I just don’t have the strength!!!!
Paul Winkler - December 13, 2012 ←
When I have been truly suicidal (which has only happened 2-3 times in spite of the many, many depressions I’ve had) I cannot imagine anything I could think or do would have changed my suicidality. The first time, I was interrupted by someone who I never imagined would ever seek me out to speak to little old *me*. The most recent time, I was interrupted by the cops who took me to the mental hospital for a few weeks. While there, I changed my mind, with the help of some med changes and getting angry at some people. Absent these interruptions, I believe I would not be here.
So guilt and worry about what others might feel never seems to have entered my mind; I think I was too self-involved and focused on my own pain to think outside of that little reality, or to use any of my cognitive skills to save myself.
Suicidal ideation now, that’s different: I’ve survived a million instances of that.
Miranda - December 14, 2012 ←
Hi Paul
“So guilt and worry about what others might feel never seems to have entered my mind; I think I was too self-involved and focused on my own pain to think outside of that little reality, or to use any of my cognitive skills to save myself.”
My sentiments exactly. I also suffer from SI all the time but I have learned to cope with them now.
Thanks for sharing you could not have worded it better (I can really relate).
Take care!
Travis - December 13, 2012 ←
Hi Natasha, that is an interesting read, many years ago i asked a friend who also suffered bipolar what keeps here alive, i was suffering the depression and was treated for that at that stage but now better treated for bi polar. anyway i asked her what keeps her from doing it, knowing that she to was a smart girl and if it really was so bad we would know how to do it. scarey to think the amount of ways but yet we still fight it off…. I have lived with the notion that i would always die that way, so obviously had suicidal tendencies for many years, tried overdose a few times and when i finally was put on the right meds for me i actually had to give them to someone else untill i was more stable, so that they could give me enough for a week but not access to them all. … yeah the darkness really does take control and it really is just a matter of trying to find ways to not want to end it, which is become part and parcel of our wonderful illness……
Miranda - December 14, 2012 ←
Travis,
Reading your post was like reading the past 14 years of my life. I can really relate to you. I have been there and regardless of what anyone’s opinion is, sometimes its just impossible to breathe. The pain is gut wrenching and very dark. It has been years since my last SA but still my meds are kept in a safe (go figure). I wish people could be more understanding that it is not a selfish act but one out of bitter despair and darkness that takes control and nothing else can take away the pain (at least not at that moment). I have many blessings in my life and I am so very grateful for them and I would never intentionally cause them pain & suffering. But when that darkness has taken over, many times I have thought everyone would be better off without me. I have since then learned to keep it together but when I hit rock bottom again the SI never go away.
Thank you for sharing your post it was comforting…..
Dave - December 13, 2012 ←
I haven’t killed myself because my nephew blew his head off and I saw first-hand what that does to a family. So although I often wanted to make my exit, I couldn’t bring that misery down on my family.
Amber Lisa - December 13, 2012 ←
As someone who has suffered from bipolar depression, (and it’s awful, if it’s really intense and thick) I must say that not killing yourself is quite the struggle. And the key is not to accept the depression and just keep sticking it out, but to find a way to get the hell up out of the BP depression! For good! Which is what I did, through therapy.
I believe, at least for some bipolars, what could be making you so damn depressed, is unprocessed child hood trauma, that is just rotting away in your brain. At least, that was the case with me. Once I processed the trauma, I stopped with the deep, intense “oh my God it just hurts to breath!” bipolar depressions. I still go up and down – but life is nowhere near the roller coaster ride it used to be.
Gray - December 13, 2012 ←
Ask myself why i continue to go on everyday living with this horrible illness. It has sucked my soul away to the point where I merely exist for my family and friends. Think the only reason I’m still here is because I don’t want them to experience such pain. Not saying I’m the greatest person in the world, but wouldn’t want to be the source of sadness and pain for
them. That, and I’m a coward.
Natasha Tracy - December 13, 2012 ←
Hi Gray,
I hate it when people say it’s cowardly _not_ to kill yourself when it’s exactly the opposite.
The hardest thing to do in this life is live it. You are brave, and you are strong, and you are courageous for doing so. Don’t diminish that.
- Natasha Tracy
Wondermare - December 13, 2012 ←
Thank you, Natasha. This post has brought me huge comfort on the lowest day I have had in years.
Natasha Tracy - December 13, 2012 ←
Hi Wondermare,
I’m honored I could help. :)
- Natasha Tracy