Suicide Self-Assessment Scale – How Suicidal Are You?

Just how suicidal are you? OK, admittedly, it’s probably not the best idea to fixate on this question, especially if you are depression or suicidal, but in point of fact “being suicidal” doesn’t mean just one thing. Being suicidal exists on a scale. But how does one quantify how suicidal you are?

Suicide Statistics

Thanks to very depressing research we do know many awful suicide statistics.

  • Men are up to 17 times more like more likely to commit suicide than women
  • Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death in the US in 2007
  • Suicide was the third leading cause of death in people aged 15-24 in 2007
  • People with anorexia nervosa have a 40 times greater chance of committing suicide than the general population (anorexia nervosa is the most deadly mental illness)
  • Age, race, substance abuse, mental health and history are all other suicide risk factors

(There are lots of other suicide statistics provided by the National Institute of Mental Health.)

Suicide Self-Assessment – How Suicidal Are You?

Up Down Suicide Self-Assessment

Those are the depressing things mental health care professionals should know about suicide in order to properly assess your risk of suicide.

But, what if you’re like me and would like to be able to self-assess suicide risk? How would you assess your suicide risk?

Here’s my completely unscientific suggestion for a suicidal self-assessment. This suicide scale is based on my own experiences and on generalities; please note everyone is different.

  • 0 – No thoughts of suicide. The word suicide doesn’t even enter your head unless provoked. This is how your average person feels about suicide.
  • 1 – Occasional thoughts of suicide. Suicidal thoughts are not frequent and suicidal thoughts don’t cause distress. Thoughts of suicide are mostly academic.
  • 2 – Thoughts of suicide start to become more frequent and begin to feel more personal.
  • 3 – Suicidal thoughts are frequent and are sometimes accompanied by the feeling you might actually commit suicide. Sometimes you feel you want to die.
  • 4 – Thoughts of suicide are frequent and you consistently feel like you want to die.
  • 5 – Thoughts of suicide occur every day. Almost everything reminds you of suicide and death.
  • 6 – Thoughts of suicide, death and dying occur every day and cause you great distress.
  • 7 – You’re obsessed with thoughts of suicide, dying and you start making a plan on how to commit suicide. You have a strong desire to die / end suffering.
  • 8 – You begin putting your suicide plan into place; you are convinced you will commit suicide. You feel you have nothing to live for / others would be better without you.
  • 9 – You write a suicide note and say goodbye to the people in your life. You might feel a sense of relief knowing that you will soon be dead. You might give away your possessions.
  • 10 – You’re in the midst of implementing your plan for suicide. You’re determined to commit suicide.

Suicide Self-Assessment – What does it mean?

The reason I’m posting a suicide scale is to make a point – not all suicidality is the same, but all feelings of suicide should be taken seriously because it’s a shorter distance between suicide level two and suicide level nine than you would think.

I wrote this suicide self-assessment so that you, each person, can look for warning signs of worsening symptoms. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide do not want to die. I believe that they want help and they want to get better.

But you can get help more easily and more effectively if you talk to someone at suicide level two then at suicide level seven. Ideally no one should have to walk around daily considering ending their lives, but even if you do because of a mental illness like depression or bipolar, try to get that number down as low as possible. Get help.

Scientific Predictors of Suicide

According to a study out of Florida:

Not One More Suicide. Not One More Death.

I have been suicidal so many times, so many days, so many weeks, so many months that I can barely comprehend people without those feelings.

But if I may be so bold, the world would be less without me. The world would be less without my little contribution. I am just one person, sitting in my apartment, crazy, bipolar and lonely, but yes, even I positively impact people.

And I can promise you contribute too.

You might be just a person, alone behind your computer screen. That’s OK. That makes you just like me. You mean something too.

Watch Your Suicide Symptoms – Get Help for Suicidal Thoughts Early

When you self-assess and you’re at suicide level two, you might believe me when I tell you that you matter and you need help. But when you’re at suicide level seven you’re not going to listen to me anymore. You might not listen to anyone. So you need to stop the cycle of suicidal thoughts as early as possible.

Suicidal thinking is just like depression – the worse it gets, the worse it gets.

Suicide Getting Worse

Tell the Right Person About Your Suicidal Thoughts

Your average friend might not be able to handle the fact that you’re thinking of killing yourself. Believe it or not, that’s pretty normal. Your average person doesn’t want to kill themselves and doesn’t want to think that you would either. So you need you talk about suicide with the right people – health care professionals.

You need to tell your doctor about suicidal thoughts so he can change your meds. You need to tell your therapist about your suicidal thoughts so she can help you through them. Your health care team needs to know.

Suicide – Get Help – You’re Not Alone

Get help for your suicidal thoughts through a mental health service provider. If you need help right now, call a suicide hotline.

You don’t have to feel this way. You’re not alone. It gets better.

  1. I am 33 years old. I am probably at a 7 now but have been at 10. I wrote letters to my then two girls and tried to kill myself. I now have 4 kids and remarried but separated. We get along great my ex and I dont. He is mean, angry and literally crazy. I feel scared and lost with now way to feel better about my situation improving. Financially life’s a mess, socially life’s a mess. I have talked to a therapist and he wasn’t much help other than to say I should get medicated. I feel like dying every day, mostly anytime I have to make decisions about me and my life. I hAve 3 children whom have iep’s I can navigate for them it’s just so hard for me. I am so lonely all the time. I am always with my children with never any breaks. I feel guilty if I’m not with them and have no where to go or anything to do if I’m not with them. God only gives us what we can handle I don’t know I believe that

  2. My name is debbie . I an 50 years old and I am suicidal. I have lost so many loved ones in just a few years. I lost my mother, my best friend, my 2 precious grand -children that I adored, and several others. My daughter wont speak to me, and I don’t know why. My oldest son ran (on foot) from the cops one night and got away. A few days later swat came looking for him on some made up charges, so the could justify almost destroying our home. So now my sons doing 2 years in prison and I can’t do anything about it . I feel like a complete failure as a parent. We finally made most of the repairs to the house and things got a little better and then we found out the other day our home was sold for back taxes we owed and we didn’t even know about it being up for sale. We found out when the new owner showed up and told us we had to leave. We’ve been here 15 years and we paid our home off several years ago. I feel so guilty and stupid and confused. We’ve been through hell there’s a lot I haven’t mentioned. You wouldn’t believe the things we endured. We finally see a little light at the end of the tunnel And boom. Here we go again. I feel like we are burden on everyone. I feel like a social reject. But you know the worst part? I was raised to believe that people are generally good hearted. And I have seen the ugly side of humanity that I did not believe existed.We have gone days without food because when my husband lost his job of 20 years we were broke and couldn’t even buy gas to go to a food bank, when someone would say they’d give me a ride, they never actually did, not one time . No Electricity in the triple digit heat of summer. We were so hot we weren’t sure we would wake up if we feel asleep and so much more misery. Lots of people knew about it, they just didn’t
    Care And we understood. That’s what bothers me. The idea that we accept that as normal and its ok.not to care. I can’t live with that. I This country has become a sad, selfish, uncaring, godless. shell of its former self. I a no longer feel that little tingle of pride when I say I’m an American that I once had. I learned by watching people go on with their happy lives that I do not matter. I am a burden . But mostly if you try to live your life as a decent person and feel empathy for people , You will be eaten alive! Now I have nothing left- NOTHING. I’m too old and tired to start completely over– again. So I won’t.

    • Hi I am close to your age I can relate. I try every day to improve things for the pat 5 years or more in this city I moved to, things are getting worse. I do not have kids, I met rotten me one after another or t hey are nice b ut I only see them 1-2 dates. I had a great life was very happy with a great guy, my dad was alive I had good friends I now lost all of that. I lost my only real friend here in april still grieving that I found him too-cant get that image out of my head and I was alone when I found him-feel like god wants to punish me -see people around me happy in love with fancy cars jobs that come easy cute kids I never got married yet- I have one good man but we were poor for 11 yrs so I left him then when I wanted him back he had moved on. Hes dong very well and remarried. I lost friends from having to move so much to keep work in Canada now they wont hire me due to age mainly and I need more eduation I have college. I just got a bill for hydro that went up x 5 with no letter. My family is slowly cutting me out its easier than to deal with my sad situation. I do positive thinking videos daily to help change my thoughts. I know the worst thing in life is to be alone becaue this is how I have lived my family is 500 miles east. I get upset with some in my family who cannot relate to my situation. I met other women here who cannot met friends either. I tried everything so now I want to leave here even if iti puts me in further poverty. I met one man I fell in love with he stopped contacting me then 8 weeks later blocked me on his facebook like how cruel. We got along fine maybe he met someone new-I don’t get how people are so cruel. I don’t have kids I wish I had one child I thnk Im too old for a child now. I was seeing a guy hes so good and nice to me but we both now hes too young for me. My dad died at xmas and this year it looks like Im alone with no gifts -will be thinking of the hell he went thorugh on xmas day 15 yrs ago. My sister wanted to pick me up on dec 28th but its looking like it wont happen they are too b usy with their lives and it means I cannot book my flight back it would cost a fortune because I don’t know what city I will be in and I have no money for gifts too but I have not seen them for 3 years I love my family but now my mom thinks I should not come down there- none have a clue how depressed I am and what its like to have no one around and be poor-Im suppose to have a great job I always had good jobs but the govt here only likes to help immigrants over canadian born people…I never thought my life would turn like this I thought things were getting better for me at least I have low rent….I sent a xmas card to that g uy in the hopes maybe he will have a change of heart and contact me to date me again….I met these menon dating site and since 10 months ago only m et 2-3 good ones the rest are liars married not nice, users, some try to fraud you etc…..its all bad for my self esteem.

  3. At 21 years old, struggling with addiction, alcoholism, and such…
    I’ve got a great job, okay friends, family that’s there for me.
    “Shiny new car” and my own house.

    But the thoughts.. the pressures… they don’t disappear. I tell myself to just wait 3 days, 3 days and think it through. But when 3 days pass, the thoughts are still there. The pressures of life are still there. So I do it again.

    3 Days.

    Wait 3 more days.

    See if it goes way.

    Don’t jump to conclusions.

    Maybe you have a bigger role in life.

    Maybe you’re supposed to be doing so much more.

    Maybe you’re just lost, maybe your soul is just wandering.

    Maybe life will get easier for you, and maybe you’ll find what you need.

    But who knows…?


  5. EMMA!!! I am a mother. I promise you your mom wants to know you are considering suicide! Imagine how much harder your suicide would be on her than your confessions of suicidal thoughts. She doesn’t want you to feel alone. She wants to be there for you. Please tell her. Please.

  6. When I told my GP I was feeling suicidal she just made me come and see her once a week and refused to allow me more than a week’s meds at a time. I decided to keep it to myself instead, as getting an appointment is too difficult (they insist you phone at 8:30 but I can never get through till 9, by which time all the appointments are gone.

  7. hi im danny im 19. i lost my sister at the age of 12 and carryed on coping then to find out at the age if 16 that the dad that i live with isnt my real dad that messed my headup. i was heart broken. started looking for my real dad he told me to go away he didnt want nothing to do wid me. i started noticing my dad i lived with wernt treating me the same as his real to my brother and other sister. it broe us we wasnt the same and when i was 18 me and my ma had an argument in my nanas kitchen and my dad came in and pined me up and asked me for a fight. me having two much respect i said no. they kicked me out aand i live with my nana and when i went for my stuff my mum said i dont fit into the family she doesnt want to know me and i cant see my 5 year old brother who isnt gono remember me. i cry my self to sleep at night always having suacidle thought iv been doctors and stuff but just cant stop it i know i cant do it its just the thought i miss my mum and brother but im aving to go on with life like nothing has happened but i cant coz it has

    • Danny, hold on man. Life has just begun. Those were the hard years. Soon you will have your own family, your own life. At 19 you can do whatever you want. Go live brother. Do it for your sister if you can’t do it for yourself right now.

  8. Hi, I’m emma and I am 14 years old. 8 months ago my cousin who I was very close with took her own life, it has been such a struggle to stay grounded for the past 8 months. She was my rock, the other half of me and it feels like I have not only lost my best friend, but part of myself. ever since she’s been gone I’ve just wanted to follow her steps. I used to think about suicide but now I’m at the point where I’ll have an entire bottle of pills in my hand, I once had to call a suicide hotline because I was so scared of what I could do to myself. I am so ready to end my life and I want to tell my mom but she was broken when my cousin took her life and I don’t want to see her worried about me with everything else she has going on. I don’t know what to do, I think I should be on medication or something but I don’t know how to tell her.

  9. Hi. I am a twenty-three year old woman currently enrolled in a M.A. graduate program.

    To tell the truth, there is nothing really wrong with my life. I should be happy, I should be trying hard to complete graduate school and then look forward to whatever challenges the future will bring. Yet I find it hard to be happy. I’ve been to seen psychiatrists and been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I am taking medication. This situation has been going on a around a year. I am not doing too great in my studies, I find it hard to concentrate and to plan ahead (I’ve already failed one semester). I find it difficult to make decisions. I try to tell myself and to act as if I am fine. There are times when I thought that I am getting better, but really, it can be hard to tell sometimes. I would think that I am ranked around 5 on the scale. I think about death on a daily basis, fleeting thought of “really, you should die” and “you’re nothing” keep on recurring inside my brain. I feel like a failure, despite what friends and family have been telling me otherwise. I find it hard to see any hope for the future. My family is getting impatient and really sick of my pessimism. I am too. Why can’t I just enjoy life?

    I am not sure why I am writing here. Perhaps I will write something like I am struggling but I will be ok. I know that so many other people have it harder than I. I do appreciate the support I’ve been given and the resources that I have. It’s all me. I am very sorry for having caused such troubles for the people around me. I really want to be stronger. I don’t like who I am right now. I think about suicide a lot, but that doesn’t mean I will do it, right? I like to think that I won’t kill myself, but I’d rather have something happen to me so that I don’t exist anymore. How selfish can I get? Ok. I am done rambling. I should really try to tackle that overdue essay. Strange how such abstract notion as academic success will leave me in a puddle of tears and self-hate. Really? What is going on with me? Why can’t I just be happy and just live life?

    I am rambling now. I am sorry. All I want to say for now is, I am struggling with something that I can’t explain. I am grateful for all that I have, family, friends, shelter, food, resources, limbs, etc. I know that maybe there is someone out there being equally confused with this mental battle that goes on and on. I am here and so, you are not alone. Maybe one day things will be better. I am still here, still fighting. I have bad days, but I am here. I hope to be here for many more years to come.

    If you’re reading this, well, hi. I am fine. I will be. Bye, bye.

    • 22 y/o almost have my bacchelor, haven’t failed any classes, my studies are paid, so are my appartement and my car,. I know I am in the low % of very lucky people, yet suicidal toughts always come back since when i was in 4th grade, about 8 years old. I don’t even know where it comes from and never seeked any help with that, I just often wish “I’d have something happen to me so that I don’t exist anymore.” and planned a suicide multiple times and fantasied on dying in accident to prevent me. I don’t know how it can be explained, and why death seems so more peaceful and fearlessness, but i just wanted you to know that there is in fact people like this that lives. When i feel like I want to pass away, i overcome it by remembering that the good thing about living is that death will just finish to happen wanting it or not and that no matter how inequale your life makes you feel, death doesn’t care if you are successful or not, confident or not. when it comes to it, only how much you are prepare to it will determine how you face it. Death will happen unconsequencially the same way living did, stoping your own life is like stoping a movie before the end when you know it is the only movie you will ever watch.

      I feel you. Byebye.

    • . All I can say is I know how you feel its so weird my whole life I’ve always wondered why am i unhappy why even at the age of 16 to 17 years old what I think about killing myself then I think to myself. I have it so good compared to most people and everyone around me tells me how great I am and how good looking I am and all these great things about me but yet deep down inside I’ve always thought about just it doesn’t matter and how can God exist if I feel this way when all I’ve ever done is wanted to just love and be a good person its just so weird and then Here I am at my age now and I’m still going through the same thoughts is when I was 16 17 years old and the fact is I have kids or wife family so many friends but the fact is I can’t handle pressure and just my mind moves a million miles a second and even when I bring it up to people very nonchalantly they can’t even grasp or understand what I’m talking about so I guess that’s why I went here tonight just so I can see that I’m not alone and when I read your whatever you call it it just made me feel like well this person totally understands me so crazy that I’m still thinking about it everyday but the funny thing is is I know I don’t think I would kill myself because I’m too scared at the same time of letting everybody around me down I really actually just like that just I don’t know be homeless and just have no worries but then I think about my kids and my wife I mean how can I do that to them and then again and that’s what I think about I’m better off dead and if I truly truly love my wife and my kids may be the best thing for me to do is leave because all I’m going to do is ruin their lives and make them feel something that’s not fair to them I just have no idea what’s going on

  10. 7 on the scale. I’ve been dealing with depression since 16. I’m 23
    Now with 2 kids. It crosses my mind most days but I feel as if I could never go through with it. I know my children deserve to have a mother and their father is pretty worthless. We have been together on and off for 7 years now. He always tells me I’m silly or crazy or I’m just looking for attention when I bring U.K. Depression or suicidal thoughts . I tell him hi need him to be supportive and not make things worse but he constantly tells me he wouldn’t care if I wanted dead or to just do it already. But when he finds out Id cut tk numb the pain( which I don’t anymore) he would tell me to cut it out or that I was a psycho. I’ve found I’m not as depressed when he’s not in my life but I can’t seem to pull myself away. He is mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to me.
    He almost killed my daughter when I was pregnant with her because he drank to much and beat me up, yet when j did my best to defend myself he still to this day shows me the tiny scar in his eyebrow and tells me it was all me me tat I hit him for no reason at all and that he
    Has never hit me. There have been 4 incidents in 7 years of physical asult and k get mentally abused everyday of my life. I’m not saying j am perfect and never say anything mean or rude but if he were hurting inside as much as I do I would certainly not trea him in such a way to prolong the hurt further or push him to the point of suicide. Idk what to do anymore. I’m just tired of hurting inside

  11. I wanted to comment on Lu’s message. Lu, I read what you wrote and I want to tell you something. I am much older than you and I have a daughter who is younger than you by a couple years. I would first like to say that I think that you are very articulate in describing what you feel and you should also realize that you have a lot coming at you currently, but much of the negativity will pass with time.

    I was wondering if you ever thought of trying something that will make you just feel good inside? Good about yourself and good about what your life can be. Have you ever considered giving your time to volunteer, helping others in need? I know it may seem crazy or backwards, but the reason I mention it is because this very act helped me to overcome some deep grief in my life.

    I know that your mom and dad love you very much, but are too caught up perhaps in their current situation, but this might be a way for you to collect and own happy moments for yourself! Another thing that you could do that may fill you up with some happiness might be to secretly do something totally wonderful for someone else who might be sad or down like you. Even if you write them a card on a piece of paper about what a wonderful person they are and don’t sign it and don’t tell them…I think that you might be amazed at how that sort of act can fill you…plus it’s kind of fun to watch that person being happy and nice to everyone, while not knowing who gave them the surprise…which, in turn brings you some joy.

    Lu, God put you here for a reason and God does not make junk! I believe that if you do something to gain back some control of your own life and control of your own emotions, then you can get back into a very good and very peaceful place, which is what you deserve! And, you will be wiser and stronger in the process.

    I wish you well and I am thinking about you!



  12. I’ve been almost everywhere on this scale, and feel that it is very well written. I am a 31 female failure. After having an amazing and resilient little boy, my life crumbled, fell apart, and continues to crumble into tinier pieces every day. If it wasn’t for that little boy, I would be past a 10 and probably several years ago. I managed to, at least partially, ruin the engagement to my son’s father, who is now very happily married to someone 5 years younger, 15 lbs. Lighter, and a LOT richer than I. Thank goodness he got rid of me! And that seems to be the story…every man I have dated has wound up much happier when I was gone. I gave dating another shot and got the usual…great dates at first and then no contact.

    When I see people my age, they are usually engaged or happily married, maybe even excitedly trying for their first baby. My pregnancy was a shock and completely unplanned and that brings a different tone altogether. I thank God every day for my beautiful son, but deeply wonder if he wouldn’t be better off living with his father andnew wife. They can provide so much more than me.

    It wish it wasn’t so damn challenging to kill yourself… Seems like a my body my choice kind of deal. Watch How To Die in Oregon. Those people are terminally ill from cancer but I’m terminally ill from depression and anxiety. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

    So….basically for me it’s not a matter of IF but when, where, how…I had a brief remission and got away from planning but ending my life almost always sits on a shelf in the back of my brain.

  13. I feel like dying every day. I am a grandma and great grandma. My second daughter died 4 years ago and I still have a hard time with it. My friends are tired of hearing it. My therapist yelled at me when I told her my daughter died saying well, you know what to do. I am tired and don’t want to go on. My husband overspends all of the time and every day I am faced with another financial problem. I know I should leave. Don’t want to leave myhorses and my stepson. Don’t want to start over again. Just tired. Asthma, fibromyalgia back pain. I just feel absolutely tired and don’t have enough energy to go on. Don’t want to do this life anymore.

  14. Hi.

    I am a 13 year old girl in 8th grade, since about 3 months ago.

    I know that I’m young, and that I should “get over” what I’ve been feeling.

    I am about a 3 or 4 on this scale.

    I feel bad being this way. Some say that I’m too privileged to be suicidal or depressed. It doesn’t help my family at all. At least, if they knew about it, it wouldn’t. I let them know a couple months back when someone that was very dear to me and my family was lost, but that was back then. They seem to think that I’m “fine”, and that bad time is over for me.

    It isn’t.

    Since then, it’s only gotten worse. My grades have slipped in a few subjects, especially math. I have very few friends, and only one real, true friend in my life. I cut myself. It’s gotten worse and worse over the past month, starting at “I might cut myself”, to “I need a razor now”. I’ve been able to slice up my hips and stomach since then. I would never cut my arms or legs in fear that someone may see the marks. I don’t like long pants or shirts, but I want to substitute with gloves and makeup. I know that if someone in my family or outside of it sees, then they’ll either freak out and whale on me for it, or point and laugh/stare. I don’t need that on my list of problems.

    I starve myself. Not enough to be considered anorexic, but I do. I feel fat and ugly every day. Unfortunately, my family is very careful about the things I do, and it’s hard to pretend to eat. Emphasis on pretend. I try my hardest to not eat. I work hard in gym and exercise to work off all the fat on me. My parents say that I’m skinny enough and beautiful, but I don’t believe them. I can’t.

    If I was beautiful, then how come no one likes me? I’m one of those invisible girls: the girls that have no friends and no boyfriends. I’ve only had one boyfriend so far, and it didn’t last too long.

    Worst of all, I’m in love with someone. You’ll think to yourself, “She’s 13, how can she know about love?” Well, if it makes you happy, I like someone. But this is a special type of feeling. I feel as if I’ve known them forever, and that I can’t be without them. But I could never tell them. They wouldn’t see me the way I see them anyway.

    I feel as if I can’t hope that my life will get better. I feel sad constantly, and even when I don’t, it is only for a moment. Depression isn’t always sadness, but the feeling of numbness and cold always returns.

    To make things worse, my parents are on the brink of divorce.

    They fight constantly; thankfully my dad doesn’t even live in the same house full-time. My father is emotional – I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but he doesn’t deal with his problems correctly. He takes them out on me and my mother, but ignores my younger brother (most likely because my brother’s autistic) because, according to my father, he “doesn’t do anything wrong”. He throws things at my mother, he threatens to give our pets up to the shelter (a dog and a cat), causing us to flee from our own home sometimes to get away from him, and he is an overall bullshit parent. He plays the victim card whenever we upset him, when in reality we’re the ones who are being abused here (emotionally, not physically – yet).

    My life is kind of a living hell. I worry for the safety of my family constantly, pets and humans, my love for someone will never be returned, and I can’t talk to anyone, and if I did, they would tell me to “suck it up,” or “it’s just a phase, you’ll get over it,” or “you can’t be depressed/cutting yourself, someone out there has it worse than you”. I have never actually tried to commit suicide, but I do think about it, and have considered it more than once. I cry all the time, even over the most stupid things. I want help, but I feel like I will never receive it.


  15. Hi my name is Aaron I been suicidal for a while I just got out of a for year relationship and I’m taking it pretty hard not just that everyday I wake up and I cry cause my situation financially I can’t keep a job cause I can’t focus cause I’m always thinking about me killing myself my family just calls me crazy and get over it I drink to numb the pain of thinking of suicide

  16. I am a bisexual 13 year old and I have attempt suicide I have pretty much done it all I have overdosed I have cut I have tried to drown myself I’m number 8 on the list and this all started when my mom died when I was 6 years old she overdosed on pills and that is when I started to get into trouble but it actually all started when my favorite cousin ever commit suicide by hanging himself when I was in the same house he didn’t know I was in the house but that’s pretty much when it started I was 11 years old when it happened and that’s when I started getting into drugs my friend is actually the one that introduced me to them I thought they would make my life better it did for a quick second but then just all went downhill again but the suicide attempts and the cutting started happening when I was 9 my dad found out and he told my sister my sister had some amazing life but she cut to so I told her that I wouldn’t cut as long as she would stop but that was a lie and my friends that had before pretty much just let me down thay did not really care about me they found out I was depressed and cutting and they just stop talking to me they didn’t they never want to see me there’s always make up stupid lies saying oh we could not hang out with you something but i did find an amazing friend but he ended up moving and that was the worst thing not worst but it felt like the worst I love him so much he was the best hing that’s ever happened to me and sometimes i thank my mom’s death was my fault and sometimes I think my best friend moved because of me I get bullied a lot and my family blames me for everything that has happened and it just feels like no one is there for me people has actually came up to me and say that they don’t care about me people have come up to me and say that just die already nobody wants you and that just makes me think should I or there are just some people out there that still love me I don’t really know but what I do know that I don’t love myself and that’s how I know people don’t love me i was diagnosed with major depression when I was 10 I have been to the hospital more than five times people call me freak of nature and I know people out there have it worse than I do

  17. I have thought about this for years. My parents divorced and my family on my mom’s side just tells me how terrible my dad is when he isn’t. Really, the only thing keeping me alive is my dad. Every single time I go to my grandma’s house on my mother’s side, everyone thinks I am crazy. My grandfather has abused me and no one listens. I try to tell but they don’t care. I try to stop these thoughts and I have told my mom and she doesn’t believe me. Again no one listens. The only person that does (my dad) I am to scared to tell him because I am scared he will think I am crazy.My family have called me a drama queen, a liar, and a stupid pathological bitch. I feel like and can’t take it for much longer. I try but I feel like I am already living in my own hell.

  18. I’m a 16 year old bisexual. Where I come from, being bisexaul is like a crime. I need to let people know. I can’t hold it any longer but I’m scared and to top it all up I’m in love with a friend but she’s with someone. I need someone to talk to but it can’t be my parents. I told a friend of mine about this but she didn’t really say anything and we never spoke about it again. I don’t know if that a good thing. But i feel like I shouldn’t live. I don’t want to die but I feel I’m nevr going to be free. I don’t want to die but at the same time I want to. It’s complicated. I’m at 4 on this list.

    • Hi,

      I just want you to know that I’m a bisexual, too, and I know what it’s like to feel like it’s a crime. But, believe me, it isn’t. It’s just part of who you are. It’s an important part.

      I know it can be really hard to talk to people about it but the Trevor Project was made for people just like you. Many of the people there are LGBTQ and they work with people who are thinking of suicide all the time. Please talk or text them as soon as you can. They can help you; and when you talk to them, you can be yourself.

      – Natasha Tracy

  19. I don’t want to love anymore. At this point hell just may be better than life on earth. The only thing stopping me from doing it is my 2 year old but sometimes I think that eventually that won’t be enough. I am suffering physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse by my husband. Neither of us have been perfect in the relationship. I have forgiven him but he can’t seem to do the same. For the past 7 years I’ve been beaten, spat on, told I’m hated and many other things, too much to write it all down. The other day he put a gun to my head in front of our 2 year old son and told me next time our sons presence won’t stop him. Ive tried to leave and he always says I can but the minute I start packing he begins to threaten my life as well as my family’s life so I stay to protect my family. I am miserable and feel like I should just kill myself and be gone.

    • Hi Anon,

      It does absolutely sound like you are living in an untenable situation right now and that would drive someone to feel suicidal. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Please call a domestic abuse hotline and GET YOUR AND YOUR CHILD OUT OF THERE. If you’re not prepared to do it for yourself, then please, please do it for your son who does not deserve to live in that environment. There are people who will help you get out, find you shelter and help you get back on your feet. You and your son do not have to live like this.

      – Natasha Tracy

  20. 6 on the scale right now. Not at a 7 only because I know I wouldn’t be able to keep my fat mouth shut and I’d be sent off to a hospital the instant the phrase ‘suicidal ideation’ turned to ‘suicide plan’. Everything about myself is loathsome and gut-churning. I can’t look in a mirror without feeling ill. If I feel someone looking at me my heart starts to race – I hate having eyes on me. Staying on top of my life has been impossible. Being aware of my own existence, though I try to find ways to keep my mind off of it, is despairing. If there was a way for me to remove my ‘soul’ – everything that makes me myself, my mind I guess – but leave my body and my capabilities to take care of others and be productive, I would take it in a heartbeat. But I can’t think of any way to do that other than a very science-fiction sort of lobotomy. Suicide seems like the only way to escape, and the only way to get rid of myself.
    My twin sister and I are opposites in every way except for how sick we are. I’m a mess of anxiety, depression, obsessive tendencies and anorexia, and she has BPD. That means, in essence, we have similar levels of pain, but she suffers loudly and tries to take other people out with her, whereas I quietly leech people’s good will from the sidelines. She’s been acting out particularly badly lately. Dropped out of an expensive college, left home, got engaged to a guy who gives her cocaine and enables her unwillingness to seek treatment for her drug addiction or her mental illness in general. As the twin, it feels like my cosmic duty to counterbalance her – or put less stupidly, her behavior hurts my parents so badly and I want to make up the difference. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only thing holding my parents together, especially my mom… I’m the only conduit between her and my sister (my sister splits on her endlessly and scapegoats her as the source of all her problems), so I’m the middleman. Whenever I sense any sort of tension, I need to find the source, and if I can’t give a quick fix, provide a distraction or attempt to substitute a good-feeling alternative with my own behavior and actions. As a Psych major who’s done a lot of research into the condition on the side (due to no small part of being in an abusive friendship with someone else who had the condition), my parents look to me for answers that I just can’t provide.
    The fact of the matter is that I’m too much of a steaming shitheap to be all I need to be to make it up to my folks. I’ve had to drop out of college before because of my depression, and this is my second try, but I feel myself failing. I had to drop a class already, and my attendance is going lower and lower because I can’t get out of bed, and I can’t stop thinking about suicide. My ideas feel too terrible to use for my homework, so I don’t do it. I feel my teachers resent me for being such a hassle, so I avoid them so I don’t bother them. If I get out of this, it’ll be by the skin of my teeth. But I don’t know if I can make it. On the other hand, I HAVE to. If I fail a semester again, not only will I be a disappointment for all the usual reasons, including loss of money, but I’ll be ‘becoming my sister’ or ‘[sister’s name] all over again’. My parents don’t mean to guilt me using her… but every conversation we have when I’ve let drop that I’m unhappy or having trouble in school, she comes up, and the subtext is definitely there.
    As mentioned before, depression has taken two years from my life, for lack of a better phrase. No school, no job, no nothing but sitting around rotting. Sometimes I forget how old I am because those years are just a blank. That period destroyed my parents, too… the longer it went on, the more frantic I felt them getting, worried I’d be a failure, that I’d be like my sister. I got out, but now I feel myself slipping back in, faster and faster. It’s too much. I can’t handle that again. I don’t know if they can either.
    They don’t know how I feel. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that depressed people are great at keeping that from people, me included. As far as they know, I haven’t dropped a class, I’m full of pep and verve, joking around like always, and I’m on the up and up. They also don’t know that I’m gay, that I’m dating another woman and have been for years at this point, and that I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past. They’re conservative, and my extended family even more so. Hell, my extended family doesn’t even know I have a mental illness. God, keeping everything hidden wears on you… but I don’t have another option. They couldn’t bear the disappointment, and I couldn’t bear their heartbreak and the coldness and the ‘it’s your sister all over again’s.
    I promised my family and friends I wouldn’t starve myself anymore, and I don’t want to break that promise. But there’s still this bitter feeling about it, because in a weird way, I feel like my best way of dealing with this is gone. It was such a nice method for me. It gave me a way to have control over /something/, it fulfilled my desire to punish myself, and I liked how I could physically see myself deteriorating because of what I was doing. It was so fulfilling to see how I was rotting away. I still remember noticing when my cheeks were hollow and I could see all my rips and pelvis… I can’t even describe the feeling. It also was nice because it gave me a coward’s method of self-harm: no blood, easy to hide, and more or less reversible if I needed to do so. But now I can’t anymore… I said I wouldn’t, and besides, they know what to look for now.
    Now I don’t know what I can do to give myself control and to destroy myself enough to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. For most of my life, my blood phobia has been preventing me from cutting, and I still don’t think I could manage it without having to put myself through exposure therapy first. Just another one of those great mental qualities that makes me a prime candidate for a eugenics program. I’m too weak to cause myself enough harm when I hit myself. Smacking my head against a wall is too loud, the walls in the dorm are paper thin.
    I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hanging and overdosing for months now. I can’t get it out of my head. Every minute of every day. Before that, it was the less practical option of shoving knives through my gullet. I have enough medication on me to potentially do myself in… but I’m not using it, and I feel like such a coward and a liar. Why don’t I put my money where my mouth is, right?
    I’m just tired of all this. I’m tired of having to keep secrets, I’m tired of being powerless, I’m tired of this constant cycle of near-recovery followed by a painful crash back to square one, and most of all I’m tired of myself. I can’t see a future for myself. Not when I’m this… thing. And I’ll always be this thing. Either I’m incurable, or I’m too much of a disgusting self-absorbed martyr to allow myself to recover. Either way, death is the only way I can see to fix the problem. As so many people have said – it’s not so much that I want to die, I just want all this to stop, and I can’t see another way.
    Unfortunately for the world at large (ha ha), I can’t do it. People love me. If I killed myself, my family and my girlfriend would be devastated. I think it’d send my mom and my girlfriend especially over the edge. I can’t do that to them. But why can’t they just learn they’d be better off letting me go – or at least give up on me being anything worthwhile? All I am is a drain on them: their emotions, their money, their effort, their love and hopes. It’s just chucking all of their resources into a gaping black whole that will never become any less of a pit, nor will it give anything back. It’s sick to phrase it like this, but I’m trapped here. When I stay, I hurt them. But if I go, it’ll hurt them more. So after all that whining I’m just another complaining millenial who talks about how much life ~huuuurts~ and how it would be best to end it all, while continuing to surf the internet and live off my parents.
    God… you know how sometimes, when before birth, one twin will absorb the other one? I wish that had happened to me. It’d be a real win-win. On my end, no more me, and on their end, I never even existed to get invested in in the first place! If only a gal could be so lucky.
    Anyway… thanks for reading this, if you did. If you’re here, you’re probably in a similar boat to me… give or take a few life details. I wish I could offer any kind of advice, but… hey, we’re in this together, I guess. Let’s see how long we can last.

  21. I’ve overdosed many times, but I always changed my mind and called for help. The other day I was really in bad shape, lost a dear friend unexpectedly, was attacked by my daughter for my religious beliefs, was in the middle of looking for a therapist who does EMDR so having to recant all my gory life history to strangers and my regular therapist who is usually supportive got cranky with me…scolding me for wanting to try a different type of therapy and reduce frequency of sessions with her. I was shocked by her reaction, confused and then started getting mad, really mad! I felt like a nuclear warhead about to detonate. I decided I was done. I just wanted to down the pills I have stockpiled at home. I’ve been fighting this for 60 years and I am beyond tired. I shut down emotionally, stopped talking, stopped crying, stopped feeling anything. The session was over and my therapist was concerned. She asked me to go up to the psych hospital and check in to the temporary unit. So I drove up there and forced myself to walk in. The social worker there was a smart ass. She listened to me all of 10 minutes and told me I “had all the skills I needed” to deal with my problems. When I asked, so what do I do, she told me she was waiting for me to decide…so I walked out, came home and took an oxycodone and a promethazine just to knock myself out. I thought about taking more and did pop one more promethazine but fell asleep before I could screw up the courage to take more. Shouldn’t that girl at the hospital have been more encouraging and advised me to stay for a while to calm down? Just because I haven’t been successful in my previous attempts does that mean will never actually do it?

  22. This of course assumes that the idea is an impulsive one and that it is not possible to take a reasoned and rational view that when you have weighed up the pro’s and con’s that exit stage left may be the best option in the circumstances. Perhaps it is just possible to get tired of the endless struggle and the thought of many more years of endless gray. Perhaps it can simple be a pragmatic decision.

  23. So am 21 and maybe my suicidal level might be 5
    Just got admission to college and would be starting by January
    I needed to make a little savings and I got a job
    But each time I see or remember the way my boss treats me and threatening to sack me, I go home crying and won’t talk to anyone even my dad or mom
    I felt so hated , walking down the streets all I think about is maybe I should just run into a vehicle and end it.
    Only if someone could understand the way I feel each time am unhappy
    One day am gonna end it and that’ll be it
    Can’t even explain how I feel properly here
    DEATH …..

  24. If you just try, you will see. But you need to seek him earnestly. Because he is real and he has helped me. I am bypolar and i have been to the pychiaty hospital a couple of times for suicide attempts.

  25. Seek God with ALLL YOUR HEART. And all your pain and suffering including your mental disorders will go away FOREVER! SATAN IS HERE TO (KILL, STEAL & DESTROY).
    That’s his purpose here on earth.

    • That’s nice, but I prefer to read Tolkien and write to Santa Claus. Same idea, just slightly more effective and predictable.

  26. Hi. I’m at a 7 right now. I’ve been abused by my family and bullied at school until I dropped out. I’ve tried to commit suicide before but failed. The police found out and my dad was told to punish me for lying to them. A lot of the time I get told kill myself. Everyone thinks I’m attention seeking and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I get bullied when I walk out of the house. Most of the time I want to die so I can escape this but some of the time I feel like just leaving

  27. Hi, my name is Jennifer. I actually do not know what to type. I have had these thoughts for a while now. I just don’t take myself seriously. And I am constantly asking myself is it concerning that I have been having suicidal thoughts if I really feel I will never go thru with it. I just feel worthless. I do so much for the people in my life, and yes I am loved back. I believe that. But as for me I just don’t see it being good enough. It’s never good enough in my eyes. I sometimes really feel that life is just better without me. I’m 27 years old with a career and loving loyal pitbull. I love this little guy and he is actually the main reason why I would not actually commit it. I used to cut myself in the past before my dog and now that I have him I just think about suicide all the time and never do anything about it physically. I would say looking at h scale I’ma 4.

    • I feel exactly the same. Even have a pitbull that has saved me many times. Please email me to talk if you can.

  28. I think I’m at 7. I’ve been looking for [moderated] in the black market for weeks now. Can anyone tell me where to get this stuff? Where did you get this scale btw?

  29. I’ve never got any professional help from anyone. No one would take me seriously. The closest I’ve got is some school check ups within a week of a panic attack I had in school and an offer of a hug from my dad when I tried to tell him how sad I am but he didn’t get the complete message

  30. Im a 14 year old girl at a grammar school in the UK. I have suicidal thoughts everyday. I’ve attempted suicide, but I’ve always been too cowardly to actually take that one step further, or press the knife just a little harder. I get stressed by school a lot, but I just stopped having the will power to do anything about my grades or homework about a year ago. I fight with my parents a lot, and don’t trust my own mother. I am pan romantic omni sexual, and have come out to people as the wrong thing twice now because its so complicated, and people say I’m attention seeking or making it up because they don’t understand it. I recently told my parents about my sexuality. I didn’t enjoy it. I feel like my mum is constantly incorrectly accusing me of things, and my grandad (her dad) is constantly insulting me and calling me disgusting or a slut since he caught me kissing my boyfriend in august. I’ve only had three relationships, but the last one was quite serious and it destroyed me when his mum said she didn’t want him dating someone two and a half years younger. I barely sleep and have a wide variety of regular nightmares or nightmare themes. I cry a lot for no obvious reason, and hate the fact that I could disappoint anyone, especially my friends. I have negative thoughts about my mum, then have negative thoughts about me for having those thoughts. My dad has seen me crying occasionally and he knows about a couple of the things that make me sad, but he treats them as all small individual things. My dad worries about me and that makes me nervous and worried back. I have panic attacks. I’m claustrophobic. I try to help other people I find online or round my area who hate themselves and pretend that I had all these problems in the past so I can help them from experience and make them say something nice about themself. But then I think and realise that everything I’ve said to them is a lie which makes me sad. No one seems to think there’s any big problem wrong with me. They just blame it on the break up, or an exam. I hate people not taking me or my problems seriously because of my age, and over exaggerate things to my friends to make them seem more interesting which makes me sad about myself and feel like a bad person. I would say I flit between a 5 and a 10 on this scale. I feel like i can’t handle life. Exams stress me, people more. Friends have problems and I try to sort them out but it never works. My little brother has problems with certain things about life and expressed them openly, and gets mad and people tend to overlook my quiet suffering and go straight to him. I’vetexted some guys some words and things when they’ve sent me messages trying to “comfort” me after my break up and then I cry and feel guilty soi block them then feel guilty about blocking them because I encouraged them after all. I get called slut, slag,bitch, whore and a wide range of other names for certain things. I have what some would call a curvy body and have lots of problems with perverts and anonymous online messages threatening me or calling me things or black mailing me. I feel like I can’t handle life and then try to kill myself then cry because I’m too cowardly to actually do it, then cry more because I think about what I would be leaving behind, and how sad they would be,and what would happen if I died. I am overly ambitious and have planned my entire life but nothings going accordingly so far. I don’t want people to not accept me, and I can’t stop beating myself up about things even when I try to fix them. I want to kill myself sometimes and when I want to I try to but I spend the rest of the time feeling guilty about trying to die because of my life and what would happen to it. Im an attention seeker and a horrible person to some of my classmates and constantly worry whether I’m good enough or not, and how icld be better, and I have problems with turning people down on small things like dinner, or advice on things. I hate myself, and think that if any other person had been born into my life they would be happy as ever, but I just hate myself. I want something bad to happen to me. I don’t know why. Yet I still get nightmares about those things. I don’t want to die but I’m scared I will hit another low and try to

  31. I’m about level 4 right now. About a month ago I went from mild depression/severe health anxiety to a severe depression in a flick of a switch. Since that evening I have lost all my emotions and have severe anhedonia. Totally dead inside. Force feeding myself and minimal ability to sleep so there’s no escape. Had to stop meds as they made my suicidal ideation and insomnia even worse. Could never do it as it would destroy my family but fear living out my days in this almost vegative state.

    If I was able to feel the comments here would bring tears to my eyes. Especially from folk so young. Hold on people.

  32. Hi, I’m at a level eight. I’m quiet young. The thing is, I want to die but I’m not necessarily depressed all of the time. Sometimes, even when I feel happy I still want to commit suicide. The thought of it doesn’t scare me at all. I’ve completely come to terms with what I plan to happen and I’m not even that sad often. Happy, empty, nonetheless fine. Yet I still want to die… What does this mean?

  33. I am at level 6 but feeling really desperate. The only thing stopping me committing suicide is the fear that I won;t die and will just end up in a worse situation. I spend all day doing nothing apart from using the computer and fearing that I’m in a trapped situation, My life and days are so empty and I’m also scared that a point in the future my financiaI situation will come to a point where all my savings will be used up and I won;;t have any money to live on. I can’t get better but I can’t end it all. I am living on my own and have 1 phone call each night from my sister. If I say anything about suicide thoughts she just tells me off

  34. Here I was thinking I was full on crazy. I’m breathing easier at a level 5 knowing that there are other people out there like me. Natasha, you have no idea the impact you’ve made on me…

    “You might be just a person, alone behind your computer screen. That’s OK. That makes you just like me. You mean something too.”

    I cried when I read this. Thank you for saying that.


  35. 44 male….another med change…. I’m at 8 on this scale…..I haven’t worked in two years because of major depressive disorder…. I’m finished with people telling me I don’t look sick and should go to work….under Psychiatric care and receive disability assistance…. I’m single …..I have two kids…..I have no desire or passion for anything anymore…..its gotten worse and I can no longer continue the ups and downs.

  36. Hi,

    I am 19 years old and have been trying to cope with my mental health issues from a very young age. I bounced between 2-7 on the scale from around the age of 10 and upwards. Since I was 17 however, it has never been below 6 but I did get all the way up 9/10 not all that long ago and because I got that bad, when I’m at the point of 6/7/8 on the scale , I tend to believe that I’m not ‘ill enough’ for help. This scale has opened my eyes to the fact that, ALL suicidal thoughts and feelings that cause distress are serious and need attention.

    Thank you.

  37. I am a 56-year-old woman.

    I bounce between three and five.

    Why do I keep telling myself that I am, so, gonna achieve my dreams and be the person I was born to be and blah blah blah blah?????

    Why do I think / believe / KEEP DELUDING MYSELF that I’m gonna succeed THIS time?????

    I have LITERALLY no family and no friends.

  38. I’m 17 and very alone. The reasons i want to kill myself are listed : I’ve hated myself for as long as i can remember. Since I was very small my mother has told me I’m ugly and stupid. The most common insult she called me was cow.
    The only friends I’ve been able to make in my life are friends who were interested in me sexually. Without people validating my body i feel useless.
    I was raped by a person i was very close to my freshman year. It was extremely tramatic. I still have nightmares.
    I’ve been dating this great guy for about two years but he recently left for college. He’s been my only friend for sometime. When i started dating him I was the happiest I had been in my life. I had a great body and felt great about myself.
    Since i got so comfortable with him i let myself go and gained 32 pounds. He tells me he loves me, but i hate my body and self so much. Im stupid and pathetic.
    I also an in my senior year and I’ve started applying to schools. I’m a talented artist. I’ve always wanted to create art for a living but ive finally decided against my dreams.
    My father died in May. It was a motorcycle accident.
    i feel so alone. I hate my body. I hate myself. I’m a loser. Everyone who knows me when be better off if i were dead. I wish i would just fucking do it already. What am i waiting for?

  39. I’m 15 and I’m a 9 on the scale. I started having suicidal thoughts when I was about 12, but back then I was only a 5. It has gotten much worse over the years. I have done a lot of research on different ways to commit suicide. I’ve been to a psychiatrist and I’m on medicine for my anxiety and depression and I’m on the highest dosage yet I still feel the same. I have come home many times and put a gun to my head because just the thought that I could easily end it all right now by just simply pulling the trigger gives me relief. Honestly deep down I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to be happy again, but as each day passes the possibility of that happening seems to get smaller and smaller until someday I won’t be able to see that possibility. I won’t have any hope in the idea of things getting better. And when that day comes I’ll end up killing myself.

  40. I’m 13 yrs old . On the scale in about a 8-9 .
    I constantly think about suicide and I cut . And I’ve tried talking to a professional but it didn’t help at all.

  41. Hi, I am 14 years old. I am at about a 7 or 8 on the scale. I know all of you are probably gonna say you haven’t lived yet. You are just a kid it’ll pass. Suck it up. You need help. Well yes I am a kid. I haven’t been here long. I have had several people tell me this. Well, I have had these thoughts for some time. It’s come to the point where I can’t control the thought of dying . Thinking everyone will be just better off without me. All my sisters do is fight with me. Trying to run my life. I have missed a lot of school due to these thoughts. Telling my parents I am sick because I don’t want to see anyone. Yes I have been on the popular side in school and have many friends but I have come to the point where none of them matter. Nobody matters anymore. Just this thought. The crave for pain. The depression. It has come to a point where I have excluded myself from everyone. I exclude myself from my sports. I have started taking large amounts of pills, seeing what my body can take. I am too scared to go to someone for help. I am a shy person and I don’t know how to bring this up to someone. Being judged and put down is something people seem they have to do to me. This makes it hard for me to trust anyone.

    • Hi Pailey,

      I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much right now. I know that must be very hard. And no, it doesn’t matter that you’re 14 — 14-year-olds have real suicidal feelings just like anyone else.

      I know what it’s like not to want to talk to someone about something so scary — but you have to. You have to choose a person and open up because _you_are_worth_it_. What you are, who you are, and what you will grow up to do matters a great deal.

      Sometimes, though, it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to a person you know so talk to the Lifeline:

      They will never judge you or put you down as they are specially trained and can help. You don’t have to use your real name, and you can even online chat instead of phone.

      Please listen to me when I say that life doesn’t have to be this painful. It can get better. It does get better. But you have to reach out for that to happen.

      – Natasha Tracy

  42. I am 46. Mother of 2 young children. .level 8 on your chart. I have a date and I am writing a diary where I am planning it.

    • M,
      I’m sorry to hear you’re at a level 8. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes and know how hard it can be to overcome them. I promise you there’s hope. You might not see it now but what you’re going through is temporary. I’m not sure if you’re religious but I know that there’s a God that loves you and your 2 young daughters more than you know. I know this because I’ve felt his love and just when I feel like I’m going to break he’s lifted me up and given me strength. That same love you have for your daughters, God has for you. Just like how you wouldn’t abandon your daughters in a time of need… God won’t leave you in your darkest time. Whatever your beliefs are, wherever you are, PRAY. I promise you God will answer and comfort you.

  43. My name is Valerie and I’m 31. I have always had good intentions by my life but I’ve been deeply depressed for about 17 yes. This is had led me to be unable to graduate from college and not work for a long time. I do not drive also because I have panic attacks but I have had many cars. I was told I do not have bipolar disorder but I’m pretty sure I have PTSD. I have been suicidal since I was around 12 but it came back full throttle and worse than ever before in 2013. I have three kids by three different men. I get verbally abused, physically abused doesn’t matter it’s all the same. I have. 2 month old baby but I don’t think I can raise my kids anymore, I’m unhappy, mistreated a lot and I’m too sick in my mind anymore I want to end this. I no longer hVe goals, I want to die but fasr

  44. Hello name is Brian, I am a 29 year old living in the UK. I am currently dealing with so many issues converging at once that I don’t know if I can ever change myself or my life. I feel cursed. It’s though this inner need and want for myself to fix my life is invertedly preportioned by the ongoing lack of change. I feel like I am destined to suffer. I am totally alone and am becoming crippled by the negativity I seem to create for myself. I have only my Mum left as a family member but she lives in the Philippines. My relationship with my Mum is rediculously distant, socially and emotionally. My Dad and step-dad have both passed away. So far I am addicted to cocaine (5 months or so), addicted to gambling (since 21), and porn (Which has become worse since the cocaine addiction). I honestly don’t know what to do or where to start. I don’t have a job and havn’t had one for over 2 years now and suffering from extreme depression and anxiety makes it incredibly difficult to maintain one. I have become this scummy blob with no self-respect. Most of the time I isolate myself and tend to talk to myself a great deal. I honestly feel as though any attempt to regain my honour is nothing but a shadow. Like it’s in vain, or will never be enough. I have been a bad person over the years and have made more shitty mistakes than anyone I know and I hate myself for them. It actually haunts me. My domestic hygene is rediculously low. The rain pours through the walls and stinks the place out. I don’t have a cooker, fridge, wardrobe so all my clothes end up smelling after one night of being left out which won’t help if I am to hold down a job without being laughed at. I owe the banks £6,400 and yesterday I recieved a letter from a debt collector saying they came to collect £640.00 for something I have no idea about. I don’t want to go into the ins and outs as to the source of my income but everytime I do well I feel like I could actually provide myself with a future. I save dilligently and then in one session I gamble it all away and consume huge amounts of cocaine. I hate this cycle and God knows how I got here and if I’ll ever get of this mess. I’d say I’m a #4 on the scale. I have a hand full of friends but am becoming more distant with them as time goes by. I just feel like a waste of space. I never used to be this way. I was full of life. Drivenl and optimistic. All I do is worry. I worry about my future, my integrity, my Mum, my finances, what other people think of me, my increasing addictions, my social skills, my mistakes. I want a norwmal life more than anything but I have become weak and the trend is beginning to fill me with hopelessness. I am genuinely afraid I’m too far gone. but I think the worst part is I feel completely alone, hence my blog.
    Thank you for listening.

  45. I’m 20 years old girl who tried to commit suicide but failed. I knew I had some issues. Things got worse for me as my parents hold my finance they didn’t allow me to seek professional help. My boyfriend dumped me. I was overwhelmed. I wake up at the morning thinking why do I want to live? I always wake up feeling broken and abandoned. I failed in everything in my life and without my parents I wouldn’t go anywhere which makes me feel like I’m a burden on everyone. I’ve been mocked on because of my color and my looks. Now that I can’t kill myself I pray for god to take me away.

    • Hello g,

      I am a level 7 also. I am also a father of two and 36 years old. It’s comforting in a sense to have someone in a similar situation…

  46. I’m 18 and I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 13. Throughout my entire teenaged life I’ve been back and forth with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I went from hating myself to pretending to love myself to realizing I hate myself. It’s all a load of bullshit and at this point, I’m tired. It’s like I cry but I’m not crying for myself. I cry for my loved ones. If I had no one, I would be long gone by now. For the past year, I’ve been feeling like I won’t live past the next moment and I am totally content with that. Suicide is horrible. Period. There’s no way around it. But I can’t help but being attracted to the absolute fact that if I kill myself, I will no longer have to deal with feeling like shit every single day of my life. I’m in college and half the time I can’t even get out of bed to go to class. I’m not here on a scholarship. I’m wasting my mothers money and my own money. I’ve explained to teachers why I’m absent and they’ve all referred me to the counselor. I haven’t gone because I realize this: I want to die. I’m tired of wasting others time trying to get help. I can’t be helped and I’m ok with that. I don’t know what the point of this post is…maybe it’s last words…maybe it’s me being dramatic…maybe it’ll help someone know that they aren’t alone. I don’t know anymore.

  47. One of the reasons that I want to take my own life is to show others just how much I am hurting. It is a selfish act I know but if I share with others just how hopeless I feel they just consider me to weak and pathetic. Most people could care less about someone in a dire situation because they have their own problems to deal with. People can be selfish and harsh, the world is a hard and cruel place for sensitive people and that will not change. As time goes by it just gets harder, more cruel and will crush all but the most violent and murderous, psychopaths. People with feelings can’t tolerate all of the hate and oppression that will inevitably become amplified as we continue to evolve on this planet. You can’t stop it. Just look at history and then realize how crowded the planet is now and you cannot argue that the trend is humans become more aggressive, narcissistic and aggressive. As a society we are doomed. This will not change and the world will end badly. Most humans are bad and this is accepted as normal now. Who needs it.

  48. I have thought about suicide since I was a little girl. I am now 20 years old and just attempted suicide about a week ago. Nothing feels worse than knowing you’ve failed at yet another thing. I have suicidal thoughts dailey and plan an attempt about every other week…my ‘thing’ is pills. After taking about 3 sleeping pills I try and seem if I’ll calm down and usually end up quiting there. However, last week i didn’t care AT ALL….i told my dad i was going to kill myself tht Saturday night….i got drunk for my first time ever and he ‘talked me out of it.’ In my mind…it just was postponed. The very next day i got a little upset nothing even remotely major and just without even crying or second guessing i downed about 30 sleeping pills and i think about 15 Tramadol….i didnt care to keep count this time. I started laughing and cried a little off and on but didnt really care about the end result. I had tried suicide before, about a year and a half ago, and took around 50 sleeping pills. That time i got scared and told my dad. This time i didn’t tell him anything and just pretended like nothing happened but he later figured it out i guess. It’s sad to me that…someone knows someone else is suicidal and yet doesn’t bother to pay a little bit of attention to the person when they’re upset. But yet when his wife was suicidal he followed her around the house..missed work…took care of her. But his daughter….pays NO attention to. You would think that since you were out of someone’s life for 10 years, caused some of their issues, was told you left them for your new wife on their 6th birthday….you’d want to cherish every last moment you have with them considering they’re 20 now! But oh well, ANYWAYS, I guess i blacked out and my Dad took care of me. I vaguely remember falling asleep…throwing up a lot, which is abnormal for me because i usually have to make myself throw up in any situation, and saying i have to go to the bathroom and ending up sitting on the bathroom floor staring at i think the bathtub and just getting up and walking away. My dad said i for whatever reason took the batteries out of the thermostat on the wall, took the drawers out in the bathroom, and was breathing very shallow. You would think he’d call the ambulance but then again im glad he didnt. I know in a way im seeming bitchy…maybe spoiled… but my tone is only like that now because i feel numb. my dad and i are actually very close and he’s the only one i have. i just still have some issues with the past. Im usually the quiet type…i dont see the purpose in ranting and telling everyone your personal business and issues on social media because deep down no one REALLY cares and isn’t going to change the real world when you get done typing but my dad suggested that i do this to “vent.” Ever since last week i dont feel ok….i breath very shallow, i get dizzy quite often, my chest pains have gone from occasionally to multiple times daily, and a lot of times in the middle of talking i forget what was going on…it’s embarrassing. right now my face is bright red…no fever…my bp is 105/58 and my pulse is 77. my pulse is usually 90-100s…I’m a “small and skinny” girl. And even with all of these issues….i still feel i would, without hesitation, go and do it all again but with more pills….if it wasn’t for my dad saying he’d probably end himself too if he found me dead…which is just stupid in my opinion. anyways, rant over. and yes…i know i talk about my dad a lot thats because my mom lives in another state and has….non nurturing feelings towards suicidal…almost heartless lol. So, i don’t talk to anyone but my dad because i dont want anyone saying something like i do this for attention because attention is the last thing i want, need, or deserve. The End…i wish

  49. I do not have bi-polar disorder and have no idea what it is like to live with it, I simply stumbled across this website when looking for help.

    Currently at point 8 on the scale, I am completely losing my mind and the pressure I am putting on my friends and family is ultimately going to leave me even more isolated. I have been dealing with a chronic nerve condition for nearly four years, and my girlfriend of twenty years left me six months ago. Because of the former I work from home and am isolated from day to day conversation and it is not unusual for me to spend 4, 5 even 6 days without having a face to face with another human being bar short lived hello’s and how are you with people in the local shop. Human are pack animals and are not meant to live like this.

    My girlfriend had to leave me, the stress was making her severely ill and coupled with the fact that I was a truly awful partner she had no other option. I don’t blame her or feel anger towards her, it is a situation of my own making. However I literally am grieving like no other and attempts to move things forward just cause me to collapse further. I am dire need of some help, have been reading up on the affects of suicide on those around you and that has stalled things somewhat but I don’t think, ultimately, that it is going to make a difference. I am becoming more and reckless because I also feel too cowardly to do anything, in the hope that my life will be taken by “accident”. I honestly don’t know where to go or where to turn. [moderated] I have tried to go through with it before but stopped because it was so painful (seems almost comical given my situation) [moderated].

  50. I’m 14 and I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs. I tell some to my parents, and they help me, but I always get somewhere at about stage 3. I’m the person who has a strong belief in God, even for being a teen, and yet, I always feel that I’m never good enough. I always see that there’s this person who does this and this person who does that, and I can never ever do things right. Even in Gym, I don’t play sports, I’m an artistic person, but I feel I’m constantly judged on my ability to play sports. I don’t play football or soccer, I do Karate, so I am a fit person, but I don’t have sports skills. I look over at the girls doing their games and I see them all doing stuff, while I’m standing still with the other guys around me doing stuff, not even looking at me until the coach comes over, wispers something in someone’s ear, and then suddenly I’m asked to go someplace to get the ball, which I immediately give to someone else because I know I can’t do anything.

    I go through this cycle often. I’ve had thoughts of one day just shooting myself in the middle of the field, or hanging myself somewhere around the school for someone to find my body so that they are traumatized and not one of the people in my family.

    • Hi Davy.

      You sound like a very level headed young person. You understand where your weakness lay and what your strengths are. A part of growing up is knowing what you are good at and what you are not so good at. I think in your case instead of growing your natural talent, or your passions, you are concentrating on the things that don’t need to apply to your life. You DO NOT have to be good at sports, same as I am not an athlete, nor am I a good singer. But I know there are many skills I have which make me happy. You say that you practice karate. Good for you, you have mentioned that it keeps you fit. So there are two great outcomes you have mentioned. You say that you are artistic, in what sense? Do you love to draw, or paint, or play music? Why don’t you start strengthening your natural abilities and concentrate on doing the things you love. Your still young and you won’t be in school forever. The teachers sound like they are singling you out. A case of bullying by the sounds of it. What about maybe asking your parents to have a word with the head teacher if that would not be too stressful for you?
      Do not ever feel the need to be good at something you feel your not because you will always feel that you are not good enough, and why should you be, you know already that you do not like sports. You will shine when you do something you truly love, with people who shine with you. Take for example, if your great at guitar, join a band, jam with some friends, join a music club. There, you will find like minded people who love the same things as you, you will fit in and you will shine. Please do not let anybody make you feel bad. Concentrate on the things you love and grow those skills. Your life has only just began, there is so much ahead for you. This is just a small chapter in your life even though it feels like this is all there is. In a few years maybe you will go to college, university. Get your own place, drive a car, get married, have children, meet new people, experience a whole new world. There are endless possibilities for you, and you can choose the future you want. You can stand up for yourself and take control. You are unique, we are all unique, and everyone of us is special in our own way.
      Please feel free to message me back. Write a list of all the things that you enjoy, that make you happy, or that you are good at and what makes you, you! I would love to hear from you.

    • Hi Davy, i’ve been writing you since 130 in the morning I just got done at five all the advice I was going to give you now was just got a raced I’m so sorry but like I said at the end of it you’re going to make it stronger than you think you are make your own path do what makes you happy what makes you proud of yourself and get a shit what people think everyone changes, talk to someone you trust me don’t make it

  51. I’m almost 25 years old and I’ve been a 3-4 on this scale since age 11. I remember because that’s the year my mother moved us without choice and things began to rapidly change in my life.
    I’m married now and just had a beautiful daughter but somehow this feeling of escape because I am worthless continues to come over me. Most days I push myself to be content and stay “happy.” My partner is always contributing insults and put downa which fuel my desire to leave this place. I just don’t want to leave my daughter with a terrible memory for her life. I suppose she’s my reasoning to stay. It’s so hard now. I’ve given so many proposals to my husband to listen to me as a companion and communicate so I can feel better and have someone to talk to. He shuts me out and doesn’t want to understand my feelings ever. Things used to be different. It’s not a joke and I’ve had terrible strong suicidal thoughts and 2 attempts growing up.. I will stay here for my daughter but I’m not sure what good that does when she will eventually be ablessed to sense my sadness inflicted from her father..

    • Oh man that sounds awful!! Don’t let your poor daughter grow up in a loveless environment, not just meaning the relationship of you and your husband, but you too! she deserves to see her mum happy! If she see’s you getting treated badly by her dad she will think its normal to get treated like that and thus potentially accept someone doing that to her. You sound really strong and like a good mum and your daughter is lucky to have you. You obviously care about and love her very much. You should get to a therapist or a psychologist, I know its hard but its worth it. You should work out if you really want to stay together with your husband if he makes you feel so sad. Do you think he could change? Do you think he would be willing to do therapy with you? If not, its hard but you should think about the next step. You don’t have do go through life unhappy. You really don’t. Your daughter deserves to see her mum happy, and you deserve to be happy. What does make you happy? Being in a relationship is not the be all end all. Its good though when its with someone awesome you get along with. I know plenty of single mum’s who are doing so well for themselves and lead happy fulfilled lives and their kids are thriving. aWishing you and your daughter all the best for the future. XXX

  52. I’m very unhappily married. I have not been attracted to my husband for a long time…years actually, as his weight gain has steadily increased and exaggeration of bad habits seems to be a new pastime of his. Am I any better? Maybe I am not fat, but I have taken exercise and healthy lifestyle to the extreme to survive and give myself purpose daily. While I search up superfoods, he searches through his facebook for new games to lay on the bed and play for hours. While I sit with my heart breaking silently, he lays and snores loudly as he does every night and day when he’s home. He’s replaced love for me with food. I’ve replaced the love I had for him with healthy on overdrive and my daydreams of a ‘real man’ that will never come to be in my life more than likely. I’m not a little 20 something girl anymore, I’m pushing into deep 30’s so I don’t think any man is going to be so willing to be flirty with me. I’m also terribly shy. I have friends, but I don’t let anyone in too close to see what pain I live in daily. I’d be ashamed. I’m always smiling and joking and singing silly songs with my kids but I am dying. All I ever wanted was the love they told me about all my life, and it was a lie. A fetid, repulsive lie.

    I found a small bit of joy in nature some time ago, and I thought it was getting better. As long as I could go out into the mountains and be alone, it felt okay. It recharged me. I had many deeply personal spiritual experiences in the mountains near my home. Many animals ‘spoke’ to me in dreams and in waking life; eagle, vulture, mantis, beetle, butterfly, moth, dog, and wildcat. And there were other signs that I still hold deeply meaningful. My hubris cut short…I feel as if it’s okay to let this all go because I know I will go on. Everything goes on. I made a dreadful mistake marrying this man. I made a dreadful mistake quitting my career to be here for him and our kids and neglecting my future. I keep thinking, maybe if I was still working full time in my field, it wouldn’t be so bad. I could network my self out of this bad way, and things would look up eventually. As it stands for me, I’ve been out of ‘real’ work for more than 5 years and that’s a professional death blow. That’s all on me. Being an unattractive, unmotivated slob that just wants to lie prostrate on a bed (minus a woman) was/is not the kind of man I married and that’s his bad. You don’t neglect your spouse and yourself and expect a good return.

    So, one day, I think I will muster up the courage to do it, to just hit the reset button. Even if I come back as a snail, or not at all…just one with the dust, it’s fine with me because more than a death wish I have a wish to have meaning in my life so that it is worth living. Mine is not right now, and I have waited for so long. I study indigenous plants of my area and I know of many readily attainable things that can give you forever peace in sufficient dose. It’s always in the back of my mind when I am out there in the woods looking at certain plants. How easily it can be done, and how quickly. It gives me a morbid sense of comfort to know that I could eat or drink something and just wander off and be done with it when I truly reach the point of no return. Likely, not found for days or even weeks because the forest is such an expanse. It seems so unnatural to die in a cold, human made space. I wish to go where life will surround me and feed from my demise. Purpose at last.

    I don’t wish my husband ill anymore. I know he’s suffering from his own torments. I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t my biggest problem in life, though. If only he’d love me the way I wanted…no, the way I thought I ‘deserved’ to be loved. See, look at me. Expectations. “What I deserve”. Who am I? And why do I feel I deserve to be loved in a certain way? I see my fault in it all too. Am I shallow because the 180 lb. man I married is now pushing 300 lbs. and I don’t find it cute at all? Am I wrong to not sleep in the same bed as him because his sleep apnea/snoring keeps me up all night and the depression his weight makes in the mattress makes 130 lb me roll into it? But I like having a man hold me while I sleep. See, that’s the kind to ‘love’ I want. Little things like that are my ‘expectations’. You know, to be able to sleep with the man I married, maybe have sex without being crushed, maybe enjoy a little conversation and not the sight to my man asleep as soon as he sits down because he takes so much medication to sustain himself due to all of his conditions. I feel like I am too young for this. But I am too old to attract another man and try again to have love, or so I think (feel). An elderly couple falling asleep on each other is endearing, but my husband is only 40 ish. Clearly, he is ill and his body is tired. I get it. But I need more from a man than this.

    “Is it what I deserve?” That question has kept me awake at night. Haunted my meditations. Made me relive the horrible, horrible ways I treated boyfriends when I was young and stupid as fuck. I’m glad I told them all that I was sorry. I’ve learned to let the past lie still after a lot of sleepless nights, but still, what if…

    I’m okay. I’m cool with dying, it’s just the getting there that flusters me. And catalyzing the effort to really do something so final. In my mind, I hear: “Is there a chance for the future? Maybe things will get better…just have to hold on. You can survive this. Think about your kids…” But my kids see. They’re not dumb. But maybe I owe it to them to hold off until they both get out of the house if I am still here and the dynamics are still the same at that point in time. I have hope that maybe I’ll find a job good enough to let me pay for a small, simple place and enough money for food and bills. Or, maybe he will die…it’s not such a stretch because he is so fat and unhealthy. These are my only fragments of hope. I only wanted love and to be loved. Now I want to die.

    • I am so sorry you are hurting so badly! Please don’t do anything to harm yourself. I totally understand what you are feeling. You may not actually want to die, you may just want a positive change. Your children will be devastated if you were to hurt yourself. I don’t think suicide is selfish, but it really does completely destroy lives of others along with your own. I am a guy. I am also well into my thirties. And the woman to whom I am married knew me first as a 185 lb man. Now I am pushing 300 (I am pretty heavily medicated and have the sleep apnea too!) I also made the decision to leave work and raise a child (without any family or friends to help) while my wife purses her careers. Guess what? It has been about five years for me too… So I’m kinda like your husband and kinda like you in a lot of ways. I feel like I am well qualified to reply! If you are so disgusted by your husband, leave. Get a divorce. You can start again. You may not be able to believe it or you may not want to believe it, but there are plenty of lonely men who are not obese who can love you the way you want to be loved. You will have to work at it, but I assure you you can find someone easily on a dating site who wants to be in a relationship. The Freudian in me wants to say that you are projecting some of your feelings about yourself onto your husband, but I’m no psychiatrist… I do think that it is cruel that society sells us such a ridiculous fantasy notion of romantic love, mostly to women. Every girl seems to think she will be swept away by the man of her dreams. To be honest, I was never physically attracted to my wife, and at times when I was younger I felt like I was cheating myself out of something by not pursuing a more attractive, more affectionate woman. But I no longer feel that way. I love my wife because she is compassionate, hard working, loyal and (with some coaxing and in her own way) affectionate enough. So many people have it worse. Some will never be loved at all. Some will never have the emotional strength to commit to another person. It can get better for you with or without your husband. What matters at the end of the day is you not feeling like you want to die. I think about killing myself. I don’t want to die. I just want my life to be better. I don’t know what will make my life better, but I know that for me and for you, suicide will not help.

  53. Im 21 years old. I have been under stress for 2 years now and no matter what I do, I am always reminded 7 days a week of how much of a failure I am. Several times I thought of killing myself and I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I spent all my elementary life and highschool life being the average kid. I then hit university for engineering got addicted to games screwed up in 2 years ended up deciding to leave the school and start over at another school. Although I believe I wouldn’t consider myself addicted and just more of a casual player like a hobby during the second year, it was too late because I was already borderline passing. From that point on I just remember myself regretting everything. Parents reminding me everyday since that day hey your so lazy, stupid dumb you dont do anything you are useless. Always being compared to other people about how much of a failure I am. I am sick of hearing it every morning as I get up, that is the first thing I hear. What a way to start every single damn morning. Honestly everytime I hear someone telling me I am a failure…I just want to run a chainsaw down their face. Anyways I started college right after with no year gaps. It is for a business degree and the first year i didnt fail anything in fact i got pretty decent grades, couple As Bs Cs and unforunately a d but i didnt fail at least. Still throughout that year I just hear them sayig the same things…even in the summer same thing…school started 2nd year..same thing up to now same thing..its understandable that they may have said that for awhile when it happened but…really 2nd year and im doing pretty well and i still have to wake up to that? Just the other day mom said to go with her to costco to stack up on water bottles…she forgets to pick them up being dostracted with all the other things and it was my fault i didnt remind her…Really? You are going to call me stupid and dumb in the parking lot because you forgot? What a great life..i probably just need to give up…no matter what i do, i am just not good enough.

  54. No one knows this about me because I come off as happy go lucky around everyone else, but I’ve been at a 3 since I was 17, I’m 25 now. I’m afraid it’s getting worse now though because I do all the wrong things to battle it. I self-medicate, I depend on others for happiness, I isolate myself, when I’m alone I tend to just lay around and get nothing done because I try and avoid things that give me anxiety and I constantly distract myself. I’ve tried getting out of this rut for years now and occasionally I have, but I always fall back in the same self-destructing habits. I know a lot of people on here are in much worse situations and have more a reason to be suicidal but that’s what scares me. My life isn’t complete shit and even when I’m happy sometimes I think this would be a good time to go out.

  55. I’m a 15 year old girl and I don’t really fit on your list. Suicide is in my mind usually but I’ve gotten so good at pretending that I feel happy sometimes. When I’m alone this never happens. I was going to say maybe a five, but I have made a plan on what I’d like to do when I wish to commit suicide. I’m very scared of hurting people. I want to self harm, so I can feel something but I pass out at blood and can’t take lots of pain. I get very angry at myself that I can’t bring myself to do it, suicide or self harm. I needed some place to vent so I knew some one could maybe see. I hope I haven’t been a burden.

  56. I was 10 at the age of 12. I’m now 25 with depression and anxiety. I have been on a rollercoaster. I’ve learnt that my head makes lies. And thoses say that I’m worthless and its on those days I wished that I took my own life.
    I’ve tried over years. But Iccouldn’t do it.

  57. Stay strong. Things can and do change. The way you feel now won’t be how you’ll always feel. Please talk to someone you trust about how you feel and find a way to keep yourself safe. Or ring a helpline and talk through what’s going on for you right now. If you don’t feel able to keep yourself safe, it’s really important that you let other people know.

  58. I’m thirteen years old and I’m a level nine on this scale. I’m worthless. I’ve screwed up so many things in my life and everything has been set in motion the longer I hold on the further I fall. I know the voices in my head are telling me lies, and yet I believe every single one of those lies. The lies that I’m not strong enough, not good enough. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either. Please help me I almost did do it this morning I’m scared of myself.

    • Hey, sweetie.I know what youre going through. Life gets hard and feels impossible to go on. Im not gonna say”OMG,why?!”.I promise. Someone loves you so much and they care. I care.I believe in you. I will be here.Okay? Email me,okay?

  59. I wanna be done at life. I’m 15 and I’m at a 6 or 7. No one ever understands me. There is always suicide on my mind even if it’s at the back of my head. I hate my life, my junior year in high school is so stressing with my college class. I feel worthless, no one loves me or cares about me. They only want to talk to me when they need something. I’m going blind slowly by the day due to the condition in my eyes. I lost a testicle due to an injury in soccer. My parents make me feel like shit. There is no reason to live. I don’t want to grow up, I just wanna go straight to hell or purgatory where I belong. My dad says I’m the stupidest one out of my siblings. When I’m home alone.. I’m so tempted to OD on Advil, Aleve, anything I can find. I have come close to hanging myself..

    • Hi Taz,

      I’ve very sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It does sound very painful. What I can tell you is that I was 15 once and I wanted very much what you do. But here’s the thing, those parents of yours that make you feel like shit and call you stupid? They won’t always be there. My mother used to make me feel like I was the worst person and the worst daughter but she doesn’t have that power over me any more and some day your parents won’t have that power over you either. You will be your own person and you will stand tall.

      I can’t tell you what to do but I would ask to you to please, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will talk to you know matter what your concerns or problems are. Whether you’re a 6 or 7 on the list or a 1 or 2, these people want to help you and they can turn you on to resources that can teach you ways of coping that you might never have thought of.

      Please contact them. They want to help you:

      – Natasha Tracy

  60. I’m a 33 year old male and at a #9 on your list. I have a bachelors degree, am a Navy vet, and live a sober life.

    I’ve never been too hung up on emotions in my life. I suppose I’m rather emotionless in day to day.

    The largest stress in my life is a result of having a low paying job, being forced to pay child support, and the constant threats from the child support office. My current employer was to deduct from my wages and pay, but they didn’t, and I now have a warrant as a result and about to have my drivers license suspended.

    The mother of my daughter has spoken to our case worker and requested the support to end. She’s a nurse and makes a great income. Her husband also had a good job. They make about 6x of what I currently make. I do not see my child too often. She is 13 and the last thing she wants to do is spend time with family members, we’re not cool enough.

    My thoughts of suicide revolve around protest to the local family law. The experience that I have had with child support has not been an actual support of my child, but rather a means for the county to find a revenue stream off me. Any job interruptions has had them hounding me and reminding me that my money is not for me to live, but rather to pay taxes #1 and then pay them #2.

    Anyway, I’m about to become homeless and living in a 15yr old jeep and not have a license to drive it.

    • Chris….
      Call a help line. I was a nine until I read yours. I googled something because I’m pretty low and found this site. Your post was the first I saw. I’m compelled to tell you that you are going to be fine. Please pray….go to a local church. Someone is going to help you. Call a help line. I met my angel shortly after seeing this….a slap in the face gave me a wake up call. Its amazing what a stranger can do…..*he* uses us. Anyway….I may not be making any sense. I still don’t feel 100% better…but I’m not a 9. Please don’t do anything bad. I have a 13 yr old son….he’s changed so much. But I know….it would kill him to see me go…and in the most horrific of ways. You’re a hero. Thank you for serving the USA. I’m praying for you today. I really hope it works. Just give it one more day…

  61. I was diagnosed as bipolar at age 25. I am 52 now. There have been some close calls. I am a 2 now but was hanging around 8-9 for 7 months last year following the death of Robin Williams. I have a wonderful support system and access to great meds so I finally got re-balanced but it was a nasty 7 months and I don’t think I will make it through the next time. So, for now, I am grateful everyday for the people in my life, my job and my pets. Daily gratitude for the little things really helps.

  62. I have been at 4-5 since I was 14, I am now 60. I have reached 7 numerous times. I reached 9 once heading for 10. I told my wife and she called the suicide hotline and the Psych emergency people took my belt and and my keys and put me in the back seat of a cruiser with bars in the windows and without door handles. The emergency Psych ward was terrifying. A lot of big men talking to people who weren’t there. After some counseling I had dropped to 5 or 6 and they let me go with my wife’s supervision.

    I had been on an SSRI for 12 years but it did not help a lot. After the episode, they added a mood stabilizer and an SNRI. Iit usually helps but I am still at 4 most of the time, except when I am hypo-manic where I wish I could stay even if the world hates during those short episodes.

    I have promised my wife I will not start planning killing myself again. I also have come to realize that if I did succeed in the suicide, my kids may take it as permission to do so themselves.

  63. I’m at 7 what do I do because I know how I’m going to die first I’m going to brake it off with my friends by any means necessary then I will fight with my parents an family to make them hate me then I’ll hang myself and I won’t be hurting anyone because I would’ve severed all ties with the world and I don’t know if I could stop myself I’m about 7

    • I have always been high on this chart however, I know that i do matter to someone. I know what you are going through is hard but don’t let that get the best of you. Never forget that you are cared about and that we want to see you alive. I have suffered from depression before i even knew what that meant. I was in the fifth grade when I first decided my life wasn’t worth it anymore. I had tragic things happen and i tried however thankfully i did not succeed. There has been many times that i don’t want to be alive because whatever i’m going though is too difficult to handle however, I have grown each and every day. I am not recovered as depression is concerned however each day I am learning to handle everything differently. I know like is hard at times and difficult and etc but don’t let that be the reason that you don’t live a full rewarding life. If you ever need to talk i’m here

      • Carley, how do you do it? I’ve been struggling for a long time. I read that using antidepressants are dangerous for people with bipolar. I am on 2 antidepressants. I don’t think my doc knows what
        T he is doing. My mood swings are dangerous.

  64. I hqd attempted to suicide various times there isnt a day i think about it i picture my funeral my burial my family or whatever is left from it …everyone says i have a temper i know i do ive lost love for almost everything abd everyone i wish i could talk to someone at home i cant say what im feeling and it something thats killing me slowly daily . I come from drug addict parents my childhood has some good a very horrible moments i was molested by my girl cousin i grew up feeling like i was always a burden to everyone every single one of my family members bullies mee to the point where i hqve no say where they shut me because i cant speak my mind because im stupid because i dont deserve to be loved because all my reltionships have failed because everything that sorrounds me is envy hatred drugs sexual abuse i cant understand i try and give the best of me and people still seem to get into my skin and make me feel less because all ive ever wanted is to actually feel loved for someone to actually say it show it sincerely because everytime i show tthe best of me someones brings me down ive even thought of killing my whole family especially those who have tormented me over the years those who are selfish euch as my father who blames me blames us his own mental illness everytime he called me.a hoe it felt as if it was engraved in my skin like if a was been punshed mqny times in the stomache everything my mom beat me for qnything or when they both left raise my younger siblings they didnt care i was given a chance to say no i wasnt given the right to be a teen i wasnt given the right to to ecen speak what i was feeling ive been cocaine free for almost 3 years i changed my drug abuse and dedicated myself to raise my siblings i work i rent my apartment i have food i have shelter i just dont hqve love i dobt have comprehension because im not allowed to do so i have allways been that anboying shadow that follows you everywhere i believe maybe its time i end this now i dont want to feel anything i dont want to be with anyone i dont want anyone to have anything to be with me i just want to for.once feel free i believe thats my only way out i will end all arguements i will end this anxiety ive been fighting for years i will.end this depression since i was sexually abused at the age of 8 i will be in a better place …

  65. Hello , im 23 years old. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the start of the year but I believe this has gone on for years (at least the past four) but have always been afraid to go to the doctors until I pretty much broke down at uni. My parents think I just had stress cause of the course work. I moved back home and everything seemed to balance out . I’m taking 20mg of citalopram , I haven’t got one main doctor as the first person I had was a student and left the second person went on annual leave the third person went off sick and the forth person spoke to me over the phone as he cancelled my appointment last minute. I have struggled with my weight all my life and find it hard to maintain weight loss . I feel I have become more depressed since gaining a lot of weight . I have been to fitness camps , hypnotherapy , dietician, counsellors you name but I just can’t stay focussed enough. I have started my social work placement but am scared people will judge me on my size as I’m the only big person in the building , social work has always been my passion but every day for the last three weeks I think about suicide . I have in the past . But now I feel like I have nothing to live for . I feel my parents don’t accept me as I’m big and I feel so embarrassed for my friends to be seen with me . I split up with my ex also as he didn’t love me due to ‘gaining weight’ I just don’t know what to do with life anymore , It makes me laugh when my family say oh your stress seems to have gone now. Or my manager at work who I confided in just calls me a drama queen and to get on with it …. I dunno what to do anymore :(

  66. I’m 23. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 21. I’ve been battling with suicidal thoughts and actions since my ‘parents’ divorce when I was 14. It’s been a downward spiral from there. I now have 2 children and a loving and supportive husband. But it’s still hard at times. This disorder turns all negativity (actual and perceived – and even from myself) to me, which makes it hard to not feel depressed and suicidal. Obviously, I’m the problem, right? Looking at your self-assessment, I am a 9. I’ve already written it all out…I was going to do it, but I stopped myself. I’m still not getting the ‘help’ I need, but I’m more afraid that I would have my kids taken from us, or I would be locked up somewhere, in a drugged state. I’m not ready for that kind of judgement on me yet…

    But never-the-less, when the time comes…IF the time comes…I’m prepared. And it makes me sad to even think about it, but I know it may happen for me. I wish I didn’t have to think this way. I wish it would stop.

    God Bless you all, I hope you find a way out other than this way. I had one friend who committed suicide, he was a good man.

    • If you need to speak to someone I’m here. You sound like a very kind and loving person who has been through a lot. We can’t help the way we think only the way we act, let your actions speak louder than your demons and keep moving forward in life!

  67. Im 18 and i would probably be a 6. Although, i have also taken the step to write a note, there’s still no plan to do anything. (Though, pills seem to be the most realistic.)
    I’ve never had a close relationship to any peraon, romantically or other wise. My family annoys me to no end, I’d move out but I don’t want to live alone. I can’t afford college, nor do i think I could make it if I were able to attend. I really don’t do much. I consider myself and artist, but I haven’t had the motivation to draw in a few months.
    I really only stayed alive for my animals, but a few days ago my ferret passed away and I had to put her cage in storage. My room feels empty now and it echoes in a way that’s really depressing to hear.
    I guess I’ll try to keep alive with the thought that I will one day take care of another animal and make their life better. But really, I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of dreading every day I wake up.

    • Hi A,

      I had a kitty die last year and it was very upsetting for my depression but I did get a new cat and I have to say, he’s every bit as enchanting. There will be others, when you’re ready. Animals are important for our happiness, I think.

      – Natasha Tracy

  68. I’m 14 and im having suicidal thoughts everyday to the point that i think im at number 6. I wasnt sure if i was just going through a phase bc of how people usually say stuff like people my age thinking of suicide bc of petty problems but at this point, im not sure anymore. Everyday i think of dying but i dont want my loved ones to worry or think im just asking for attention so i keep quiet about it and hope i get over this “phase” but its been a year and i still havent gotten over anything. I used to think i was just being over reactive and that i wouldnt actually kill myself bc i didnt want to hurt the people i love but right now, i dont know anymore. I constantly think of dying or having an unfortunate accident kill me but im scared of what i might do to myself. A few moments ago, i had a fight with someone dear to me but also the one who causes me most of the distress im feeling because of how he enjoys making me feel like shit frequently or physically hurting me but i tried to convince myself that it was mostly my fault and it wasnt entirely his fault he was mean. i was really really close to trying to smash his face with a piano seat and i feel horrible thinking of doing that. Everyday, i wish to simply disappear and for everyone to forget me so that nobody will get hurt and i keep wishing to never be born. These thoughts keep convincing me to stop studying bc it makes me think of things like “why i should study when ill end my life soon?”. Because of this i also often skip meals and whenever i want to tell someone about my problems, i worry that i might just be bothering them or annoying them because everyone has their own problems that i know nothing about. I used to think what im experiencing is normal and that everyone are just good at hiding it but right now, i dont know. I constantly give my depressed friends advice and pretend to be optimistic but my heart always aches when i remember how i cant even help myself. Sometimes i enjoy the pain i feel but it makes me wonder if im just over reactive or if im just masochistic. Whenever im openly sad around my family, they always think im overreacting or doing it for attention so im not sure what to do anymore, especially since when i told them about my trichotillomania, they repeatedly told me that i was overreacting or just didnt care. I want to call a suicide hotline but my family and friends are always nearby so i dont want them to worry and hear me talking about suicide. Im always stressed out and i have many problems so i thought that if i made friends, i would feel better but it turns out i ended up meeting more people who would feel sad if i died. Im worried and confused, i dont know if its because im young that im experiencing this or because im actually feeling sad. I know this entire chunk of text makes it seem like my family are the horrible ones but theyre all having their own problems but i just dont want to go over my boundaries and tell the world about their personal problems and tell everyone about their life story. I feel guilty about feeling so sad when my life is so much beter than many other people’s lives and that im even ranting about it and this makes me feel even more miserable because of how much of a terrible person i really am im sorry for making anybody who read this text waste their times im sorry. And im sorry for having to have my mom waste money just for my living necessities im so sorry for living.

    • Hey marsh. I am in literally the same situation as you. The only reason i’m here is because my family has put so much time and effort into trying to give me the best life possible and i just feel guiltier and guiltier every day because i know one of these days its all gonna go to waste

  69. I get these headaches and thoughts of being unloved and uncared for and the feeling of futility of our whole existence. I live it out knowing I ll be out of it in a few hours. But those few hours I have this constant urge to pop in some pills and go to sleep forever painlessly and never wake up at least to end those migraines. I get these feelings every once in a while. When I am out of those phases I feel the whole thing was so ridiculous.

  70. I am generally good however I have always, always wished that I had never been born. When I have asked friends if they’ve felt the same, they have looked at me like I am crazy, even my depressed friends who are either on meds or should be. So WTF am I experiencing? I have a reasonably good life – I have a partner, kids and I am studying to be a nurse. I am intelligent, artistic, have friends, not too overweight, reasonably attractive… so why do I feel this way? I just do not want to be alive and by all that I hear, this is the wrong way to feel. I have been diagnosed with ‘minor’ depression – i have not had that so-called black fog descend upon me like it sucks all the life out, although I have heard it is common for some and horrible. My general demeanor is ok with daily cipramil, and has been for nearly 15 years, however, if given a choice, I would choose not to be here. I have times, like tonight, where I have a fight with my partner and I want to stick my head in the gas oven – such a simple solution, yet my thoughts are with my young kids and I do the dishes to push back those feelings! Fuck! So theraputic!
    I wish the best for all here on this website, especially the author. Thanks for giving us a place to express :)

    • Hello. I say that alot too many people. If you believe me, I feel the same way you do. I go about my day some good some bad. It can be any day, i wish my mood had a factor in this feeling

  71. Recently retired, major financial loss, loss of status and isolating myself. 3 years of suicidal thinking almost every waking minute. No benefit from numerous meds, psychology, counselling, eat, meditation etc. feeling level 8-9, but it would be terrible for my family. I keep trying to hang on, but it’s so hard and more and more keeps going wrong (stock market crashing today).
    Any ideas?

    • To Dave:
      All I can say to you is FAMILY – darl, that will be the worst for them especially if coupled with financial loss… they (presumably) don’t deserve the complete loss that your death plus financial hardship would bring. Keep keeping on mate, you are a truly worthwhile person with much to give and the fact that you are seeking help here, is indicative of this. I wish the best for you and your family. Take care, xx

  72. I’ve been thinking about suicide almost every day for the last 3 months…what is worst I have been roaming around these websites that talk about depression looking for some kind of hope. I feel the threat of killing myself more real; this really scares me. This never happened before…I am really scare that I might really do it…

  73. Hi.. Im 23 I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember, my mom had bi polar so she couldn’t take care of me so I went and stayed with my auntie and her boyfriend. He started sexualy abusing me I grew up thinking it was normal, i kept it in until I was 18, I told all my family it was the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life, we went too court and he got off, I felt like there was no justice in this world, I use too drink a lot and go with a lot of people I still do it now iv cheated on my girlfriend near 30 times I just feel like I have no self respect for myself and it’s not fair on her. she has currently left me I feel like I am nothing without her. I feel like I have no purpose in life it just needs to be over I’ve tried everything these feelings just won’t go away. God let me get threw this day

  74. I’m grasping at straws right now. Forcing myself to stay put.
    Worried about what will happen to my children!
    This dullness has always been with me, just sitting there, waiting.
    Sometimes I wake, listen to my partner breathing, turn to the wall and silently scream. Because it wants me to go to the shed. So, I get up and have a smoke, walk past the backdoor a few times, then retreat back to bed feeling like I’ve let myself down. I’m so desperate right now. My brain feels dead and I stare into space for hours. No thoughts, no nothing.

  75. I Think that the people who wanted to commit suicide for any different ways of those reasons without a doubt in my mind should absolutely get help effective immediatley.!
    But to those who are beyond any reasons of gettitng any type of help should just be done and get over with it already..!
    And perhaps since i’m leaving this comment to all who can see this? I just got one thing to say….
    I have been verbally abused ever since i was born into this cruel world and ever since that unfortunate day i was and shall always be thinking of ending my pathetic exsistence…!!

  76. My opinion is that suicide is a right. Not everything can be fixed, not everyone can get better, and not everyone wants to live in this world. I think that if someone’s life consists of nothing but numbness and occasional moments of pain, then let them choose. Obviously suicide isn’t to be taken lightly and anyone who comes to the decision to commit should definitely evaluate all options and spend no small amount of time making the decision. I know that the death of a loved one causes a lot of grief, along with many more emotions, but no one should have to live in suffering just because others want them here. That’s just how I feel though. I just wanted to state my opinion, as I don’t think suicide should be a hushed, taboo type of subject; it needs to be acknowledged.

    A for the record, I’m not trying to get anyone to kill themselves. Professional help is what I’d recommend for anyone that’s suicidal. I like this website, and I think anyone feeling suicidal should take all of your thoughts into consideration. I hope this comment doesn’t get deleted just because I have a differing opinion, as I’m not trying to ruffle any feathers, I’m just joining in the discussion.

  77. When i was a baby My mom and older sister locked me out of the house in the backyard while my mom would be sleeping in the “daytime”. and i would wake in the mornings and crawl out of my crib and go and get rotten bottles out of the refrigerator and i was beaten by my sister and my mom would just rely on her roommate to stop my sister from hurting me cause my mom was always using the excuse of having PPD after having me. This would continue til i was five years old. I would be locked in the backyard and Abused. My mom never put me in preschool but she enrolled my older sister. so I never knew how to really speak for myself or interact with other children or people. Growing up I literally had to survive myself i stole my first items from stores at age four. it angered me to hear my mom say “we can’t afford it” every time we would go to the grocery store. I was Great in school excepting math. However I was a loner and didn’t know how to interact and had no friends throughout All of school kindergarten – senior year. My only friends where One friend I have to this day and my high school sweet heart. I never went to prom or any other formal social event. It’s depressing to think of it. I wanted to have friends. I just didn’t Know how to approach people!! So that’s when I began to hate life and think about suicide. I wish it happened many years ago. I lived all the years it didn’t happen. the year 2012 was my best year. I was lively and caught lots of eyes and had a new love interest. “Darren”. i was aged 24. then life was taken away from me by my mom once again by her low life ways because she got jealous of me. I never got to see Darren again. :'( . She decided to send me to group homes and to this day she still SLEEPS throughout the DAY like the fucking loser she has Always been! Her large ass can’t fit into a movie theater seat that’s what SHE did to herself as a result of Karma for Sleeping in bed for more than 25 years. I am age 27 today. I didn’t want to live passed 24. I was shown that i am not good enough and not worthy to this world.

  78. I am at #9, at the moment. 3 days ago.. I was at 10. It is hovering between 9 and 10.

    Only, this time.. I’ve set no specific date which for me is very telling because normally, in my mind when the decision is made, I set a date. A date is set so that things can be settled, handled and honestly “waited”. I tell NO ONE that any of this is happening… I go about my affairs, tending to my affairs, suffering and struggling in complete silence… waiting and I do so because there is that thing, right? “Wait 24 hours” so, I give myself – normally – a 2 week window to aim. Figure that this is enough time for things to be settled and whatever will happen will happen and since I am sitting here keying… apparently, life changed enough OR I went inpatient somewhere at some time in the past.

    Yet, this time… there is no date. I refuse to set one. It is settled and I’ve decided but for the first time… it’s a day by day thing.

    I do not care that it will “hurt the loved ones”… if I were killed in a car crash, it would hurt the loved ones. If I had cancer and dying, it would hurt the loved ones. You can’t get away from being hurt in this life and if you can, then aren’t you a charmed and fortunate soul.

    My loved ones have repeatedly, over so many years, told me of how miserable I make them… how stressed out my life makes their’s and how I drain their lives of all their joy. Now, my 19 year old child sounds off….

    Seriously…. “hurt the loved ones, if you kill yourself”… no, I’d be relieving them.

    • So, like I shared this on my Facebook page… just the link and not a word more. Just the link… as an informative thing… no “pointing out” that I am Tabby or hey, I’m suicidal, etc.

      My older sister decides to send me an email to advise me that I’m to be “more mindful” of what I post on Facebook because “some unwitting kind natured soul may think they need to do something or become concerned for you and well, in a course of a few hours completely unravel your whole life by calling someone or someplace and what if your employer saw it. You employer can fire you and you’d be out of a job and lose your home just like that so, really, you just need to be more mindful of what you post on Facebook cause although we know you’ve been depressed here lately, you do not need to post stuff like that or some of the other things.”

      and you wonder if I am exaggerating about how I’d relieve my family?

      yep.. 9 or 10, depending on the moment or the day…

  79. I am at about a 7 today. Why? Well I had a couple one night stands, and while I should be okay in terms of the worst-comes-to-worst outcome of one, I’m just a very paranoid person when it comes to that thing. I am CONSTANTLY thinking about it. Pretty difficult not to. Also, I met a pretty cool girl and things were looking good and then I got flaked out on. No explanation or anything, just flaked out and that’s the end of it. Now that single situation isn’t what bothers me. It’s the collections of poor outcomes with girls. I seem to be a consistent failure. Also, I feel like I’m wasting my potential by underperforming in college with 3 semesters left. I have a 3.2 GPA, but that’s going to have to be changed quickly to go to graduate school for the specialty I want. I basically am just extremely stressed out and keep running into failure and or thoughts of failure. I’ve had thoughts of just ending it, but I wouldn’t want to put my family through the shame. So I’ve thought about running away and taking several thousand out of the bank and going far far away and having a little fun before I just go to some remote corner of the country and find a way to hide my own end so it remains a mystery. Nothing seems to be going right, nothing at all. Why grind out daily life only to be deceived by something that looks like it might bring a ray of light into life only to be crushed time and time again?

  80. Unfortunately, I’m at approximately level 9.

    I would like to list some of the things I’ve tried to overcome my despair:

    Confronting fears

    There are many more, but they’re just coping mechanisms to temporarily ignore the truth -I am weak and dependent and not fit for survival. Giving in makes me despise myself more.

  81. Near the end of highschool, Suicide became a thought. In university, it blossomed from a thought into a suggestion.

    I fluctuate between 2 and 6 often. Sometimes, like right now, I can think that a shotgun would taste mighty fine at the moment, but I have no will to actually kill myself. It’s scary to think about, but then again there’s so much more in this world I fear. The sheer pointlessness of everything around me, that I am required to find some appreciation for for merely existing – like it holds beauty for its coincidental matter. How I was so selfless yet became so misanthropic, no one is worth anything – and it used to mean everyone was valuable. I feel so alienated in every environment, and I’m supposed to reinforce myself by cherishing how unique I am, so maybe if you were to put my tomb on display I would be appreciated for something – I wouldn’t know so it wouldn’t matter to me anyway.

    Perhaps I long for something to give meaning. Something serendipitous to make me appreciate, but I could bet my life and lose on that. Depression has so many layers, and my future terrifies me. No career but writing, and such a silver lining that is – I’ve been blocked for too long. There used to be a time where I could pen the most heartfelt into something interesting and worthwhile, like depression was a tool or enhancer, but no longer is it an enabler. My memory is failing me when I had the best, my awareness is shrivelling up into simply floating by automated in my movements, no longer do I feel like the same person. Everything about me is dying, I wouldn’t be surprised if I turned out terminal. And yet the end is my biggest fear of all, just never being aware at all. My consciousness is sobriety, and death is not even a state – it’s nothing. This is purgatory, and freedom does not exist.

  82. I’m a 7. Let’s see what happens in the next 2 to 3 months it might get higher.

  83. I’m at lever 4-5 right now, I’m 44 years old and I was living and taking care of my ill mother she had COPD and she passed away recently at the age of 82. Now I’m all alone my father passed away in 2001 of cancer, i just discover recently that I have ADD and that explain all the odd behavior i had all my life, i could never hold on to job, i don’t have any friends, i have mood swings, and just feel that I don’t belong anywhere. So I’m planning to try to make a life for myself but if it doesn’t happen for me then I’m punching my one ticket to the other side. I feel really at peace with my decision, i want to live if a have life worth living but if I’m all alone i prefer to be gone. I had a great life, i have many good memories. Im not working right now, i have a little bit of money saved up so I have about 5-6 months to figure out ii my live is worth living but suicide is definitely on the table for me. Thank you

  84. For the marine above with tons of money and a wife who loves him and kids, how would you feel if you were all alone? I hav e no friends in this new city for 6 years now, Im low income and I cannt find work or a partner…everyone I know is married happily with good jobs homes and kids and vacations and lots of money. Im 51 tomorrow and I dread tomorrow coming as I will be all alone….

  85. So… a while back I was at about a level 5-6… but I knew what it’d do to my family and friends so I asked my mother to take anything I could use to kill myself from the house, that was about a year ago. I realized that being depressed isn’t helping anything in my life so I decided to turn things around, now a year later I am at level zero it feels great! The biggest problems I had were all in my head, and once you get out of your head and stop letting those thoughts run your life the rest is easy… get rid of people who cause the depression, you don’t need them, they just make things worse. This is my story, yours might be different but that is how I fixed my depression

  86. I’m 21, currently suffering from what i believe is depression but not seeked any medical advice.
    My Single parent farther i have lived with my whole life is currently terminally ill.
    I have lived with him since aged 3, and he has been my everything.
    Since finding out his illness of cancer it has been a bit of a downward spiral.
    I had just started a relationship before finding out the news, which in some ways is great but others not so great as if we fall out it makes me feel even worse.

    I work around 190 hours a month, my job involves a lot of free time which sometimes i talk my self in to and even more depressive state. i’m finding it harder to encourage myself to go to work. i never took a sick day in a year and 1/2 a recently have taken about 5 and used 300 hours of holiday due to me not really wanting to be there but not be able to afford to live if i was to stop working and take sick pay.

    the other thing that is getting me down is that when my dad dies, i will face having to move home. I live in the UK and live in a council house but because it’s three bedroomed and it’s just me and my dad that lives here it most likely means that when he passes away they’ll make me leave my home for some where smaller although i can afford it here. i have lived her best part of 19 years. the council can’t tell me if i i can stay here till after my dad dies which makes me worry more. if i am forced out my home to live some where else i’m too sure how that will affect me.

    i would say on that list i vary between level 3-5… but feel when everything happens it might escalate…. to what level i don’t know.

    thanks for reading….

    • Hi axel. Please contact the citizens advice bureau for help about your home. You are under a great deal of stress now with your father being so ill. Embrace your new relationship and cherish the remainder of the time you have left with your dad. My love goes out to each and every last one of you, please reach out. Xx

  87. Why not my phone never rings and I have the smallest cell phone plan and roll over a minimum of 80% a month. And that is because I call trying to talk to anyone. I do not sound depressed on the phone as I do not want the other person to feel obligated to talk. The only reason I haven’t attempted it this time is that I have 2 dogs and a bunch of cats that depend on me. And is it fair to them?? I have one son that can’t be bothered to take 5 minutes to talk to me about anything with out yelling at me and he does not have time to talk. But I see his Facebook and such and he is always out doing something. I go out of my way for everyone around me and there is NEVER a sole there when I hit bottom. They don’t know how desperate I have become. I do not want to be anyone’s downer. I feel so isolated and I try to come up with a reason to be alive (if this is what you call it). I have no family that I can speak of My son is a 28 year Marine that doesn’t call for months and when he does it is he needs or wants me to do something for him. I call to just talk and he does not have time. I try to get together with people I now and everyone has a LIFE!!!! I have become numb…. My heart and sole feel completely EMPTY… I have tried in the past and someone walked in towards the end and all they did was 51/50 me. All that does is push you farther. I just want to now why it is illegal? Isn’t it MY LIFE to do with as I please.

  88. Anoymus july 20 2015 i read your post and can some what relate to what your saying first time i have ever posted on any thing like this just randomly found this page wondering if. Ud like to get in contact pen palls or some think ?

  89. I guess I’ll start off by telling you guys my age. I’m 19, my depression and suicidal thoughts are really unlike most. I don’t know why they happen. I don’t really think I’m bipolar and I like to think I’m an intelligent guy. The urges just get progressively worse as I age. I’d also like to add that I’m not an attention seeker, and I don’t even think I want someone to talk me out of it. I get a sense of relief even just thinking about following through with it, I find it sort of poetic. It’s always confused me as to why these emotions have followed me ever since I’ve understood what suicide was, right now it’s the worst it’s ever been and it’s strange because my life is going well right now. I’ve actually just enlisted in the military and I was excited about that, and then this. From good to the absolute worst. As I’ve stated before I don’t want help and I’m also not a dark person I’m lively and sociable. But this urge is always there going away for a bit sometimes a long period of time but always finding it’s way back stronger than it was before.

  90. I feel strange because I have been a no.7 on the list for over 2 years now. Never even realized there was a list until I started roaming the internet for answers… What do I do with these feelings? I’m so tired…

  91. Life is literaly pointless. A self perpetuating system to spread genes on a tiny speck of rock on an average galaxy amoung so many others.If the whole planet was to vanish, it would not change anything. I have several medical conditions which grind away any joy I could find in life, these are chronic and progressive- it is not ever going to ‘get better’. I physically can not change my situation, my onw body is tearing itself apart. I used to be an active person, O used to have friends, now I do nothing, I have nothing intersting to say and see only my wife and child- these are the only reason I am still here as I am the only bread winner in the family. I am trying to devise a way I can dispose of myself without causing others to suffer- I dont want anyone to find my corpse as its not fair on whoamever may find me. Yes, suicide is selfish, I know that. Which is why I want to minimise any impact on people who know me or dont. I have tried convincing my wife she would be better off with someone else, but she is still here. Once she has seen reason, I can progress with the rest of my plan.

  92. I am around 4 on the list and my age is 39. All of the irresponsible things I have done earlier in my adulthood is catching up to me. i can not outrun them. Everything i try to do to correct my situation is not working. I always run into a set back. I have started to abuse alcohol now. It numbs the pain. I have a wife who is calling it quits due to my behavior over the years. And she deserves better. I know it. I am telling myself and her that we can make it, but deep down I do not know. i am thinking about giving up!

  93. I’m 21 and Ive grown tired of living. I’m at number 4 on the list. I’ve grown tired of living with tattoo regret, and no its not just a tiny little tattoo or one that is on my abdomen or back or easily concealed. i hear people in complete desperation because they have a tiny little tattoo that they just cannot live with. and it makes me think…. wow these people are so distraught because of a tiny little tattoo that can be easily removed and concealed…? I have tattoos all over my calf shin and foot, and they are dark, along with a 3 quarter sleeve on my left arm, a piece on my right forearm, and a big piece on my right upper arm. 5 of them are cover ups. many of them i just settled with because i was in desperation to cover the poorly done ones. i feel like i’ve literally dug my own grave and i cannot forgive myself for it. I consider myself to be a very attractive woman naturally,…. but what i have done to myself is making me feel extremely depressed. Im ashamed to go out in public. one time i was working and a small part of my tattoo started showing, my customer was so into me until he looked at my tattoo and said “wait… you have tattoos? why would you do that to yourself, its not attractive its not feminine at all its trashy.” He also looked at my breasts afterward and said “oh god you have fake boobs too?” thats when i told him to either buy the product or to stop wasting my time. i wanted so badly to burst into tears but i put on a “i dont give a fuck about anyones opinion” front. its something i have to do almost everyday. Its very hard. Another time a coworker said to me “oh shit you have tattoos…? i would never buy anything from you” and i told him to go fuck himself. These are just a couple incidences…… i cannot go anywhere in public wearing a pretty dress or short sleeves or shorts without literally EVERYONE staring at me and a lot of the times they’re not good stares, especially from older women…kids look at me like i’m a freak. i was not expecting this type of negative attention at all… ive never been an attention seeker, ive always kept a small circle and dont like to party much or go clubbing. i got my tattoos for me not for anyone else…i really did not realize how cruel people are until getting tattooed. its really taking a toll on me. i read threads about hiring people with tattoos, and the comments i read are so mean and disheartening…. i have no more hope of happiness unless i go out in public covered. when i am covered everyone loves me i dont get stared at excessively… im tired of being judged. im tired of feeling like i want to burn my skin off. i wish i could just take a pill and make this feeling go away, but this feeling will not go away until i get these things removed.. and my hope is running slim. Men only look at me as an easy fuck and nothing more after knowing im covered in tattoos. im afraid i will never have someone fall in love with me. Im afraid that my kids will make the same mistakes as me, im afraid to have kids because i dont want them to have a “different” mother, this will make them feel different. Trust me kids can be big bullies and i dont want my children going through that or deal with being around a mother who hates herself. i was suicidal in my young teen years due to anorexia, only one time i tried to follow through with it but my sister stopped me. I havent tried to commit suicide recently but waking up everyday has literally become a huge hassle for me, randomly everyday ill have a quick flash thought of myself shooting myself in the head. i feel so disgusting. as much as i would like to believe that appearance isnt everything…..well it is. Even on the threads i read about hiring poeple with tattoos the comments say the same thing. everyone knows its all about appearance. I really just want to die i cant look at myself without feeling so sad afterwards. anyway… just thought id throw this out there. ive never commented on one of these threads before.

    • I am 50 and soon to turn 51. I am all alone here still in this city, I am too broke to move. I got a bit of work thank god from someone I know but its only 2 months I will save 80% of it to leave here but dont know where to go. Today i got the news my cousin just had twins, she is a vet down in florida whose from canada. I am very happy for her but it makes me more sad about my life. I dont have kids, I keep meeting rotten men over and over and they come to me and are so sweet at first, some are very educated too. I cant meet females friends here at all if u dont work they dont like u same for housing no one will rent to you here if your out of work and over 35, this city is filled with greed and soulless people. I always thought things would turn around everyone told me it would but im now 50 I have been since sin ce 2001 when My dad died. I lost my best firend here to a heart attack I miss him so much. He was my family here. I cannot find any work at all its 2000 applications in 3 years now, they call me for an interview the odd time but once they see my age they find some reason not to hire me, i always got hired my whole life in great jobs, so I know some is ageism and some is I only have college not a degree. I had one great man him and I split I left him big error but never can i get him back he remarried and turned wealthy. It seems everyone is doing great but me, they have great careers, loving husbands, kids etc I want these things too, its too late for kids now. Last partner i had 4 yr abused me and lied to me to make me think he owuld marry me he had no intention and its too late for kids now he also stoled from my bank account a nd made me homeless…..I see a neat course I want to take but its 1000 american and i cant afford to take it, it would give me a new career and job! I have to use the money I save to money from this horrible city i feel thats more important. The govt denied me disabiltiy and took 1 yr to tell me so and made me live in poverty….Ihave good health other wise Im very lucky but being alone is killing my spirit…

  94. i suffer from depression. i don’t get alone well with people I’ve become antisocial and become jobless because of an anxiety attack at work from feeling everyone was against me. I’ve push my family away due to my depression i feel suicide most of the time and my death is the best option . I’ve plan my method but yet to go ahead with it but i feel time ticking to the point of saying good bye to the world..

    • Last night I started my suicide my letter it is getting to hard to deal with this problem that I have with coping with this. I have no one else to talk to I am scared that people will ridicule me for what I have been thru.

  95. Where do I start. My relationship went down the toilet recently after 20years of what I thought was a good relationship. Kicked out of the family home to become homeless all the time my business collapsed whilst going through this. So no home, no job and no money. Unable to see my children makes all this twice as hard. Every bit of money I get I give to my ex to make sure they have a roof over there heads whilst she makes plans to go out and enjoy her new found social life. She now has a single status on her Facebook and has blocked me as to stop me seeing what she is now doing with her life.
    I have now found somewhere to stay for a brief period of time which is a blessing for now but on this suicide scale I’m knocking on an 11 I’m sure as 3 days ago I went for it the only thing that stopped me was the firing pin jammed as I pulled the trigger whilst the barrel was buried in my temple. To which this made me rage with anger thus ensuing that I smashed up my apartment.
    Trying to take each day as it comes and all this because I’m still in love with a women who doesn’t care anymore but I’m struggling to control my emotions.
    Take care everybody xx

  96. I think i fall somewhere between a 5 and 6. At times I can be walking down a street and see a way to kill myself and I sometimes get quite vivid images in my head of doing it. I dont understand it because admittedly, my life really isnt that bad. I’ve been like this for years and I dont know why I’ve never been able to shake it. I have never told anyone and I do fear that, given the right issues in my life, my 5-6 could quickly advance to something worse.

  97. I’m a 7 entering an 8. Have tried to put a positive spin on life but I can’t seem to catch a break. My mother has died after becoming tetraplegic due to alcohol abuse and consequently lost all my friends, my father is emotionally abusive and had affairs when mum was alive, and I have lost most of my friends and the ones who did stay (bless them) can’t begin to understand. Don’t know who is left to talk to but I feel like a burden regardless.

    • I am 50 and soon to be 51. I have been young and depress and lonely and I never felt I was good enough as the others, it was alway others with more friends, it was easier for them to do well in school, they were liked more. I was shy its not that \I was a bad person I was shy. My parents did not do anything about my situation as those days there were no services for that. I am not blaming them. I figure god wanted me this way for reason. I am now 50 still not married, still not in secure work that pays well and that is my passion, still not settled, still trying to find friends. The good news is to day I had my GP apptment and wow it was amazing .Not only does my new doctor disagree that I cannot work and should be disabled, she believes that all I need is work that fulfills me,she knows have ADD but its not severe and since I worked since age 15 in many jobs and was only really fired once, she nows I am not bad enoough to be on disability. She wonders why I am being left behind. She is chinese and I am white. Do I tell here I know the reason its because I am white. I am no longer eligible for help with retraining or to get a job. But I told her I have found a bit of work for a few months so I pray she will keep that private between us. I feel I am close to something big changing in my life be it a job or a partner. The man I dated last friday his wife is a doctor for the prime minister, so if he found me top notch that boosts my belief in myself and how others see me. See I am tall and good looking and I have held good jobs but I did not get a degree and I am no longer 24, I am 50. This dr is only 28 herself, she does not understand how it was for our generation, how we got laid off all the time, how we constantly had to retrain and upgrade. I also met a lady who wants to help me she may find me a job and this is what i am praying for. I never knew they had this service I thought they just did counselling there, wish I knew this 5 years ago when I was made homeless and had to go to them for counsellng!

  98. I’m 19, kind of waiting for it to end entirely. By that, I mean myself. I graduated HS and I feel like instead of everything getting better, it’s progressively gotten so bad that I can’t help but be obsessed with wondering I want to end it all. My exgirlfriend broke up with me less than a week ago, and she was quite literally the only friend I had. And although she still wants to be in my life, I’m scared that it’s too early to call someone that I’m in love with my friend, and thus I haven’t had much communication with her that’s been a positive one. So in a sense, I’m alone. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for community college or if I should just take a break and find a job, get some experience, you know? Or if I should do full time school, part time job. I’m also in debt, probably over 800$ because I was so irresponsible and got a credit card without having a job. Anyways, aside from all of that, I’m not happy. I’m ok some days, and I’m ok here or there, but I could quite honestly careless about being alive, being here, typing this, though I’m hoping someone could share some light… possibly wisdom? Though I know it’s unlikely considering we’re all struggling so bad mentally, physically, emotionally.. with so many other things. I keep getting off topic about why I wrote this, because I guess even writing out why I want to commit suicide would be a burden unto those that I don’t even know. I’m looking for a friend I guess too, but I don’t think anyone wants to text or call a 19 year old, and I really shouldn’t post my information out there but I do feel desperate, though I know I can’t be gullible. I’m looking for a job day in and day out with absolutely no experience to back me up. I’ve gotten some interviews, but lately no ones called for anything. Not even for a pre-screening. Um. I feel like I’m rambling, and none of this is making too much sense… But I’m lonely. And I miss and crave so many things and people. I want someone to be here and care about me, I want so badly to have a job and have no worries, and I want so badly to have friends.. someone to call when I know I’m not safe with being alone. Someone that cares about my well being and how I’m doing. I don’t have that, or i don’t accept if from those I already know. I don’t know. I just know I’m so lost, and I’m so stressed, and I’m so, so so very tired of living with myself. I can’t go on like this, I know and the worst thing is that no matter who I tell this information to, it’s the same “it gets better”, “things aren’t that bad right now” talk and I’m so over it. I’m so sick of swallowing advice that does nothing bother me mentally that this is all anyone that’s suicidal ever hears. I’m planning so much in my mind; I haven’t found anything that’s concrete and quick enough for me though, and at the same time I’m hoping for the best but I expect the worst out of everything and anyone and I’m on the brink of just not letting my hopes get up… I’m mentally over all of this..

    • Well Im back. Today I had my first counselling appt that my doctor told me to go to, the rest of the city is booked since November. This place is catholic and they only see you twice, so kind of a waste really, .like how can a strange help you in 50 mins? I did makeup and hair and looked decent, maybe this was not good idea. The part of town i went is poor, I am poor but before I was poor I had very good jobs and clothes and the odd time I have money to buy something nice. I went and this counsellor was kind of cold, I almost felt like why bother might as well leave she seemed bored. At the end she told me she does not think i even need counselling and that I am doing well! Then I said to her, well is it normal to have no friend,s, be alone all the time, and be broke, she had no answer. She did give me a number to a lady who may help with my friend’s death certificate and the possible estate I am entitled to… she is the only solution to this problem for me an d this could change my situation so I can move and secure housing with the money I get. This lady said its not up to them to get me friends its up to me, but she was a useless counsellor as how can I meet friends when I have no money and I am alone and broke? Then she admitted yes it is this city, and that many complain of this problem. So now the problem is this goes back to m y doctor and disablity- I have zero chance of getting disability now, thanks to this lady. I almost wonder if someone from govt cal led her and told her to say what she did so I cant get disabilty as it makes no sense to me that she thinks I am fine. Plus i Have 3 with cancer in my family I worry about daily and I dont live there.

    • Hi Salai if you want to talk or share some thoughts I am here, I don’t even know you but I care because no one in this worlds seems to anymore. I’m here for you email me!

  99. At this moment in time, I’m a 4 on the scale … which is a good time to talk about things. When I’m a 9, I’m so lost in a self-obsessed spiral of internalised hate that I can’t imagine sharing that hell with anyone. That would be mean considering other people, or thinking that something was wrong.

    I was first suicidal at 17. It was a hysterical affair with a lot of crying, screaming, and desperation attached.

    At 21, I learned to cope by just having the occasional two or three days where I didn’t leave my bedroom, eat, or see anyone. (It’s a lonely way of coping, but it worked for me … for a while.).

    At 23, I’d rationalised my self-hate. This was the closest I came to actually committing suicide because I was no longer hysterical, emotional, or erratically starving myself. My self-destruction felt like a completely logical decision based on fact and probability.

    At 24, I’ve got past that particular low in my life. I’m still lethargic and miserable a lot of the time; thoughts of suicide return FAR too easily for me to feel comfortable. It is at this point, when I’m able to accept how bad and dark my thoughts have been, that I realise I should probably tell someone.

    When I’m right in the middle of that spiral, my thoughts are two mangled by the depression to believe that it’s worth talking about. I have never had a legitimate reason to feel depressed. I have a comfortable life, and have never struggled particularly. I’m just a self-obsessive and if you study anything that closely for any length of time you begin to despise it; that’s just human nature.

    • Hi all I am back. I kept thinking if just a few little things oculd change for me I would live a happy live and forget about suicide by sad things keeping hitting me over and over. My sister got over her cancer last week, one day before she finished her nephew died of a brain tumor at age 30, left behind a 2 year old girl. I am battling anxiety, depression. I have this nutbar guy down the hall whose a big issue in this building last week a huge fight broke up and he got beat up and hes in a wheelchair but he is a big troublemaker and really not a good person. So one night he came at my door trying to get me involved as he called the bylaw about a dog barking, not sure why he would do that, looking for allies I guess. Im too friendly. Every friday and saturday night he comes half drunk knocknig hard on my door and I dont answer, but once he came and called many times and my first date with a guy freaked and took off, its a little game he has. So Im leaving a note on his door not to bother me, I can complain to the office about him. Its alot of different cultures in here and people dont get along much here. On to the government- they are playing games with me to see how far they can push me. 1) my cable and tv, phone company will not let me access my account even though its mine for 8 months, the man who was secondary on this bill was my best firend who died, they wont take him off the account, not sure why! I told them for 3 months now he is dead but no one took over my friend’s estate so they want official proof…but in the meantime I pay the damn thing every month it comes to my address here, my friend had a different apt than me. I still miss him alot, I have flashbacks about him, wonder if he would be alive now if some different things happened, but I cant change the fact he is dead…he died alone too that is so sad. I restarted trying to date since its the only hope to change my life if I can find a likeable person we can leave here, well I met a guy and hes coming here tonight, he hates this place too, he said hed live in the forest even to get out of this city its that mean and soulless here. He said he wants to move out west but he would not go alone and I said same here. he seems like a level headed guy so far. I cant live where my family is Id starve and its very bad there now, no work. Im suppose to have some work for 2 months I hope it starts this week but I have to save most of it. The good news is this guy does not have kids so him and I can leave but hes working here, not sure if he can get a job that easy he is 53 now. I see my new doctor again this week Im scared to see her. I will tell her i want depression pills as I want them as a backup in case things get worse, I also have sleeping pills they think are used up but I never used them…so I would not take them I would save them for that IN CASE TIME, caus the pain is too much to bear. There is so much abuse in this city I cant even tell u, even for me to go to the pool the women in the class, one teacher is abusive with me and makes a spetable of me in class, there is one older lady whose nasty too. One day we were getting out and that teacher came up to me and another lady and said not to use the showers until they were done as there are only 4 showers. Its a french english thing the french ones are a closeknit group, but this whole city french get privilege here over anyone else, even 72 yr old ladies who are french here get jobs over me Im 50 and dont look my age. I had a date friday night, the guy was romantic, has a good job, but he was moving too fast. Then I had spilt some sauce on my chest and he got up and licked it off me! god! He found me attractive that was so good for me uplifting cause i dont get treated go in other areas I cant find a job, I cant find any female friends here….so this wont work with this guy but who knows maybe I will find a good one…but alot just play games my profile is very professional and I state I want someone serious. The thing is i dont tell them in on welfare they would all leave…that is pathetic this world. like i could have a good job but tomorrow wake up with cancer, are u going to love me the same? Whatever happened to loving someone no matter what, good and bad, sickness and in health etc….The govt office is strange they wont give me my friend’s death certificate that they already took the money for it, so I called a few burial grounds and one man told me they are just playing with me…see he had no funeral so I need a registration number from the cremation but due to privacy I cant get that information, I dont know where he was cremated, his family wont contact me or his friends. i cant afford a lawyer. If they take too long I cant try to go after the estate. If I could get the money which he told me its all mine 2 weeks before he died, I could change my life and get out of here and buy a small place and have money for awhile to live, but its very not looking good now as they are taking too long. Another hurtful thing is his close friends never cared much, they never called me to see how I am not even once…. Then his other good friend who is the head of the place we volunteered at said I could get free counselling where his wife works, so I went and they asked me how much can I pay after my first appt, so either he lied to me or something is wrong. He is known to be underhanded…dont know why him and hi wife would bother, me and my friend are the ones who saved him from the street my friend saved him thousands of dollars and now hies starting a business thanks to us, is this is all he can offer me?? This is no favour!

  100. The feeling of being alone has always been something I have dealt with since the times that I can remember as a child. I remember being the fat kid, the only kid with big lips, big feet or just not pretty. I was always the one people came to with problems but would be the first to be ditched for others. I would have boys or men ask me why I hung out with certain girls because ” I wasn’t pretty. So i should just go home.” I was the black sheep in my own family as well .I would never get invited to go places, my birthday was never made a big deal, I wouldn’t get gifts on holidays. I think I have a well balanced personality. I don’t trust easy but i’m not rude to others. I can befriend anyone. It is only when I realize that someone doesn’t deserve my friendliness do I back away from people. Because i never was made to feel special or important in anyone’s life, I would always have that thought in my head about disappearing. and would anyone miss me if i was gone. Sometimes I would zone out looking out the window from my bed and simulate in my head someone walking in thinking i was dead.Now that i am older I have learned to have my own self-confidence. We all have our moments when we feel down and worthless. But I have learned to surround myself with a different group of people that i used to seek out. I always had a lot of people that I knew. I just had to recognize that they were just people i knew, not friends. I learned to be proud of who i was. I am funny. I am hard working. I am chubby. I am sincere. I am honest. I am caring. I am no longer struggling with my self-confidence because I acknowledged that it is called SELF-confidence. why would I let others affect the way I feel about myself? I do go through periods where I get sad because I struggle financially. I can barely take care of myself or my daughter. And yes it hurts. It hurts to hear my daughter say she’s hungry. It hurts to see my paycheck go to my rent, when my fridge is completely empty. It hurts to see people post pictures online of them going places with there children and i can never afford to go anywhere with my daughter. my financial situation hurts every single day. but it is what I did to myself. I had no choice. I didn’t have a family to help me with anything and they still refuse to loan me $50 if I ask. It is always judgment and belittling me. When I would cry about things people would tell me that I am being ridiculous. Sadness is a natural emotion and you should never feel ashamed of it. It keeps me going to know that this world is a beautiful place. It helps me to know that it is possible to make it through anything. I know everyday life can throw you challenges but with every experience you have to learn ways to get through it. Don’t go for people that look good on the outside to make you feel good on the inside, because it doesn’t work. Don’t let finances make you feel that you will never get out. So what if you have to default on some things. You are most important and you only get one life, so take every opportunity to see the good in the world. because there are people like me who genuinely care you just can not be afraid to find us. We have struggled, we have been kicked while we were down but its the fight in us to make it through. And we love to know that there are others like us that understand and will be that encouragement to push on. I am an open book and there is nothing about me that I am ashamed to admit. I am human. I am me and no one else. I am strong and I WILL fight my battles everyday. I WILL not let people force me to forfeit my OWN battles. I WILL survive. I WILL be your friend.

  101. Hello to all. I have never written on any website about my depression and the thought of suicide. I am 32 year old. man, I have a college degree and I have no children. I worked in a prison for 7 years and I got depressed and quit. For the last year, I have been jumping from job to job. I had found my dream job for two months and I had to quit before I was fired because I couldn’t get along with a supervisor. I did well at the job and I liked it. The same day, the girl that I thought was my girlfriend said that she wasn’t my girlfriend even though we had gone on several trips together and were very sexually active, she said that she thought I was a cocky-loser and that she didn’t want to be around me anymore. It just seems like for the last year, my life has just been in the dumps. I just feel like I have very little hope for the future. I had never thought about suicide seriously. Within the last year, I have thought about it numerous times. The other night when I had been drinking, I put a pistol to my head and I really thought about pulling the trigger. I just feel like I would be much happier if I was gone. I am religious and I fear if I commit suicide that I will go to hell. I also really worry about my parents and my brother and the pain that I would cause them if I killed myself. I guess one question I don’t understand is that people around you want you to be happy. However, I just think I would be happy if I was dead. Someone please comment on my situation, but please don’t say, don’t kill yourself and all that stuff. I don’t know what to do, but I know that I don’t want to listen to someone say don’t kill yourself and seek help.

    • Bill, I know how u feel I’ve been there myself my comment is further down this page. I realized I’ll feel nothing when I’m dead. There’s no feelings no happiness. I’m not gonna tell u not to kill urself because if u were going to ud just ud never comment on some website. There are days I think about multiple ways I can die. But they are just thoughts. Even tho I think about suicide a lot I know I can create a reason to live if I want to. It’s hard to create a mission and not fail but I’m trying. The only difference between us is I have kids. Don’t let no woman make u feel inferior. Don’t care what people think of u. U r human. Humans fall. Humans make mistakes. But the point is u can do better by urself. U are ur worst critic but u are ur best lover. U only have to answer to urself. So give urself some slack. Find something to lift u up. A hobby a trip. Pick up start somewhere new.make new friends. U can do this all 7 have to do is say u can and get up and do it. I know it’s hard to hear all this and say. It’s easy for u to say. It is I have scars on each wrist. 2 sets. I’ve attempted twice. But I kept goin and I still have down days but I’m doing better. I just gotta leave my gf. She is mean and abusive. So i still have issues. And the fact is I know how to kill myself even without owning a gun. But I know I. Won’t do it because deep down I do wanna live. I just don’t wanna be in this alone

  102. Its the same cindy as above. A few little things have gotten better but I still cannot meet any friends. I am seeing a man the odd time but hes not a good person- he is one of these types you dont know his past and he is a tough guy type who wants to fight anybody…like come on hes 44 not 14 time to grow up. My family live 500 miles east and 3 with cancer in one home, my mom fell and broke her ankle, my sister getting cancer tx fell last night when her dog got scared she picked him up. I was denied govt disablity its damn pathetic it was 13 months of waiting, now I am appealing but I am pretty certian I will withdraw it, it will take another year, they will keep me poor, cut my bus pass out and Im not allowed to look for work for another year. My best friend died in april, I have no where to spend xmas this year. I had signed up to a dating site and the men just want a free sex cam show its sickening, cant believe the world has come to this, first they act like they want a relationship but they dont. So alot of upset over that. Im going to a pool but the odd time the teachers have attitude and pick on people in the class, like is there anywhere I can go and be myself and enjoy myself? I had joined an ADD group a lady had put on but shes too far she was making stupid rules saying people have to use a fake name, trying to control what people say. Also she is 32 and Im 50 and she has this attitude that she knows better, its typical with the younger girls and it just disguists me, they have no respect for older women. I had emailed her about my disablity et c and she never responds and once I called her she was on her way out. So I thought why bother, if she cant respond to at least one email why bother going to her home, and she wants people to do things together near her home well her home is 1 hr by bus for me on sunday, that is the day she picks. I have no car and no one to drive me. Then I finally got a cousellor who i saw once but i really need someone every week. Here if your not working counselling is not free. Also my new doctor I am not impressed with, she is younger, she may be a great doctor but I dont like her attitude, she was looking down at me when I met her she is chinese, and since I am on low income she looks down at me and she told me I cannot go to dropin clinics which i found out is not true. I think its just her way of treating certain people differently. Im suppose to see her in early july to see about depression pills well I should have been on them since Dec. I still want to leave this city. I think I will cancel my disability, and I want to take a little course that Im glad I got it half price and I am getting a passport for the States in case I can move and or work/study there, since this country treats me as an alien in hiring and to study, I am better treated in the american system than here in Canada. They wont hire a white woman born here who does not speak french and any woman over 35. I am highly skilled but out of work 3 years now here. Still some in my family dont bother with me much,but some are sick.

  103. im 43 im 9. i am so tired of nothing ever going right in my life i have lost so many people i care about i push people away.. and yes no one will care if im gone hell they wont even shed a tear… i recently moved out of state to try to get a better life and maybe once in my life feel better.. well noting has changed my shitty life has followed me here … my family thinks im a lost cause and yes i have been told i dont deserve to breathe the same air as others.. i just think their right now… i lost everything i owned and now homeless all i have is my cell and my pocket knife …. life sucks period

  104. i’m 13 and i dont know what to do anymore , my dad left when i was young and said he hated me . i have been self harming ever since i was 9 and my mum just found out but she acts like nothing has happened . i’m so scared of opening up because everyone always leaves and they get hurt. it’s like i’m screaming but no one can hear . i cant even hug people anymore because the cuts hurt where ive gone deep . girls at school saw my scars and started laughing calling me a freak , they would shove me into walls or stab pencils in my cuts . no one cares anymore they wouldnt even notice if i died

    • Hi Izzy, i’m so sorry you have gone through so many things. Adults sometimes make horrible mistakes and say things that are stupid and impulsive without even thinking about how it can affect their loved ones.That is not an excusable behavior. But it’s true.An error that he will live to regret. As far as your mum is concerned maybe I would say she is scared and doesn’t know how to deal with your cutting but know that maybe you should take the time to say mum I really to talk to you about my hurting myself . Only if you feel she can help you. You can try it.

      • thanks i did but she just walked away . She threw my blades in the bin shouting to stop and that ive messed my body up she kept screaming making me so ashamed , i hate it so much i so messed up i’ve tried killing myself but it didnt work . my mum came in the morning where i tried to kill myself with bandages over my arms but she kept smilling telling me to get up for school . Everyone says its gonna get better but it really isnt , i dont know how much longer i can take

  105. I’m a 30 yr old female with 3 children and a gf. We live in an apt and we both have decent jobs. Sounds happy right. My 2 hole life bad things have been happening to me. From my piece of shit step father getting to know me at 12, to 2 different abusive relationships; well now 3, and I cheated. And I’m being made to feel horrible 2 years later still. But even worse I can’t afford to leave. I have no friends. I’ve been alienated. No one to talk to. I go to work and people ask me am I ok? I say yea or I’m fine. But every thought is I could do it this way or that way. I keep saying when can this be over. It’s my fault for watching greys anatomy and criminal minds. You learn way to much about dying. The issue is I know I cant. I have kids. My kids won’t be forced to live with their pos daddies. And I can’t let them down. I think about it. I can’t say when I’ll stop. But I won’t do it. I won’t leave my kids alone. I feel so useless sometimes. Worthless. Even my gf makes me feel this way. All the guilt and doubt. All the fights. But my kids are helpless. And I have noone. Not one person who is willing to help me. Not one friend. People at work. ha. Not worth it. Drama. Knowing ur business. I wish I lived with my mom again. I wish my life were different. I wish I could make it all better and go away. But this is how my life is and this is obviously how my mind is. I’m suicidal. Not by choice. But I’m alive by choice. My kids choice. Someone’s gotta choose.

  106. I am 30 and dream of suicide every day. When it first started happening I would go to the psych ward, call friends and family, contact my counselor. Now I take comfort in thw thpughts. They dont scare me anymore, they make me feel at peace. I am so tired of the mental battle, the anxiety, depression, shame, guilt. I haven’t felt genuinely happy in years and no one knows because I am really good at faking it. Is wanting peace so bad?

  107. I’m 53.
    I’m a 10.

    I’ve suffered depression since I was a teenager.

    My life hasn’t improved.
    If anything, my sadness has deepened with age and experience.

    I suffer a physical, gut wrenching pain daily.
    I’m consumed with hurt and sadness.

    I need to escape my misery.

  108. Hi I scored a 7 on the quiz my parents are divorced and I live with my mom the only thing that keeps me happy and not think about my screwed up life is video games my mom doesn’t like it but that is what me and my friends do it gets me out of this crap world I am bullied a lot called gay, Canadian, a p***y everything I have almost shot myself and I’m thinking of doing it again I want to be happy and have a family when I’m older but I want to give up to I need advice please.

    • Hey.
      I planned my “disappearance” (it was suicide, but I thought it would be easier on my family if they didn’t have to deal with a body) when I was 17.

      In the end, I was too much of a (as I thought at the time) “coward” to go through with it. I screamed, and cried myself hoarse for months knowing I wasn’t “strong” enough to die, or “strong” enough to keep living. Eventually, things started to get better … I starting making plans and finding reasons (however trivial) to keep going. The six years since I was 17 have included 4 of the best years of by life. I’ve travelled, met incredible people, and experienced incredible things … I still get depressed sometimes, but when I remember all the things I’d have missed out on if I’d gone through with it the first time, it reminds me to keep fighting.

      I’m sure this doesn’t help right now, and it’s probably difficult to see the positive experiences you might have ahead of you, but I’m glad I didn’t give up then and I’m sure in the future, you will be too.

      Keep fighting and do whatever you need to do to keep going (even if it’s playing tons of video games). x

  109. Informality… Im sorry for all the mistakes….. Its really hard for me to open up.. im not the type of person who would talk about my feelings…..

  110. HI, my name is Gareth and i scored a 9 on the scale. From reading all previous posts i noticed that i might not be welcome, not as in chased away, but as in not related to….. I live in a small mining town in the south of Africa called Rosh Pinah. One obvious observation is that help is available for almost all the previous post or comments… But I’m alone here in Namibia…. There is help here but i prefer not be be classified as “crazy”. I have been on anti depressants since the age of 8, I’m 16 now and i feel like its been long enough. I have had many problems at home and made the decision last year to leave to boring school. I suffered from extreme anxiety and was hospitalised in South Africa….. My parents spent thousands on treatment which truthfully made no difference… The decision was made to bring me back home, which honestly i didn’t want.. my parents have had major problems in their marriage and i know i was the cause… Me and my dad would have regular fights and he would often say things i will never forget. He decided to go for concealing and things finally got better…. I came back to my previous school only to fall in love with the prettiest girl in school. after gathering the guts to ask her out, we finally started dating last year June…… i never knew so much would happen from there! She is an Indian and for obvious seasons our relationship is kept on the down low…. my parents are extremely accepting and immediately accepted her as both daughter and my girlfriend……. now this might all sound like everything not that bad… but my girlfriends parents have found out about our relationship on many different occasions …. they have burnt her, dragged her around and even verbally assaulted her… she means so much to me ….. i cry myself to sleep many nights or i don’t sleep at all… i stopped eating regularly and have fallen to the bad habit of smoking.. (which my parents don’t know of)….. but i can’t help but feel this is al my fault… if i never came home ….. or just killed myself during my anxiety attacks and depression pits…. she wouldn’t have to live trough this…. i have given up all my friends and sports to try and help her trough all her problems… i know its not healthy to help someone with depression if you are suffering too… but here… theres no one who can actually relate…she has become my everything !!!! i was involved in a serious motorbike accident on the 2nd of December last year while my girlfriend was in india …. things have only got worse from there…. not a day passes where i wish i never stood up…. if i just passed on there none of this would be happening!!!! i have hurt my parents enough as is, and now her…… this might sound like a stupid situation… but i really can’t take this anymore… all i need is help…. please don’t comment and tell me how stupid or childish this post is…. i am in dying need of help…. i want to leave …. i just want them happy… I’m sorry for the formality of this post…. its really hard for me to express myself, si i decided to do this in the way which best suets me.. :(

  111. Hello. I’m Natasha. I’m 14 years old. I got an 8 on the scale. I hate life I hate my family, I hate basically everything except art and music. No I’m not an emo or a goth even though I have nothing against them unlike people at my school who like to make fun of me all the time. I get bullied and beat up regularly. I have been sexually abused and harassed and I cry myself to sleep every night. I wrote a piece of writing in my English class that basically said everything that would go through someone’s mind if they have the same problems as me. Life isn’t easy. My family don’t support me as I’m different. They’re all Christian, but I’m atheist. They always try to shove the gospel down my throat and change me to what they want even though it’s not what I want because it’s not what I have chosen. Yes I respect it but they don’t respect me and my choices. I have been sent to my school councillor to try and help but it’s doing nothing at all. My entire body is scarred from head to toe. My life is a mess. I have anxiety, depression, stress, bipolar disorder, anger issues and many more things. The slightest thing will set me off. If someone makes a stereotype about people like me, my anger comes out and I attack without my brain even thinking about it. I don’t really sleep because I can’t. I am unable to sleep. It’s a problem I have. I express myself through art and music. People then judge me and throw me down and beat me up. I draw things and no one knows what they mean. Only I do. It’s like a code. I have lost so many friends to illnesses and it has torn me apart even more. I have attempted suicide a few times before but I couldn’t fully bring myself to do it because my friend came running round the corner and stopped me. I wish she hadn’t. After everything I’ve done. I hung with the wrong people and they turned me into a walking slut bag. They left me to get raped. Didn’t happen though. I fought my way out of it. My whole world has come toppling down on me.

    I’m the biggest mistake that has ever happened to this planet

  112. Hi,
    My name is Kailie. I am a 15 year old girl with divorced parents.. On this I scored a 7. I never used to feel suicidal tell I lost my best friend and a year before that lost my grandma. The month I lost my best friend is the same month I found out I wouldn’t have my parents together anymore.. Right now I am fighting with my mom and about her dating a guy I don’t feel safe with. I feel like he might rape me or beat me,my brother, and my little sister. And this guy I like and we are technaclly dating u can say I never get to see him or talk to him. He works 10-11 hours shifts and is to tiered to talk when he gets home.. We live 3 and a half hours a part and he never has time to come and see me. Being with him has helped to a point but I still feel like I wanna just die… I have all these meds I am on and no body monitors them but me… And it is so hard to restraining my self not to take them… I have been told to move all objects like knives and pills form the house but I feel like if I pick it up I might hurt my self… Can anybody give me advice on what to do or how to deal with all this??

    • Hi Kailie,

      I know it all seems like a lot right now. Especially not having people you care deeply about around you–your friend, your grandma, your boyfriend–when you are going through something so emotionally exhausting and straining as your parents’ divorce can make life especially difficult. My own parents are divorced, and I can relate that it’s a sadness and frustration that can be completely overwhelming to the point where you’re not sure it’ll get better. Please, please, though, know that it does get better and the loneliness and upsettedness you are feeling is not the final word. Talk to your mom about your worries with your medications and having other dangerous objects around that you might hurt yourself with. If her boyfriend does show more signs of being an actual threat, tell another trusted adult–your dad or someone else. And above all, remember that you truly are loved and are a beautiful being–love isn’t something that can always be felt, and loneliness can seem so oppressive at times. You are young and, I promise you, have a beautiful life ahead of you. I firmly believe that you can persevere–and that’s all one can do sometimes, just focus on another day. Don’t be too hard on yourself–life just plain sucks sometimes, but it will get better. Kailie, you are loved–please reach out to those around you, and try to remember this, which can be hard on the bad days. I love you and am pulling for you!

  113. I find it comforting to think of death. To know that at any moment my life can end. I don’t want my next birthday to happen. It’s in December so I often think its a copout but the thought of continuing to be a burden to those around me suckd. I hope typing this out is somehow helpful if not to me thrn to someone else.

    • hi there linda it is true death happens to all of us but it doesnt need to happen at the wrong time for anyone, theres more to life to enjoy its a gift most are lucky to have. my birthday is also in december its seems people with birthdays in this month have alot they deal with. don’t do anything you would regret later on seek help talk to someone right away!

  114. I scored an 8. I’m in my 30s and have been suicidal for over a decade. Nothing has gotten better. I am unemployed and will never look for jobs again. I cannot fit in and can only be a burden to coworkers because I’m a retard. Too much hatred and anger in my home. I love my parents but I am too tired. There is literally no hope.

  115. I scored a ten but i don’t find it surprising. I remember first thinking how insignificant I felt on a daily bases when i was a little girl. I felt like a burden to my family and my siblings. I just wanted to not be a burden so i tried to be the best kid I could be never doing anything wrong and I just wanted to be the ideal child so that my parents would support me. Most Ideas that i had they shot down and I could only comply to their ideas. I could draw and sing and I liked church. It was the only escape I had the only things my parents found acceptable for me. These things became like a curse because i wrote my pain in my songs, and the depression began to show through my art work. I eventually felt like I didn’t want to desire anything any more because I didn’t want to deal with what other people wanted for me. my true life was hidden in dozens of journals. Writing became my outlet from expectations and pressures to be the perfect child so that i wasn’t a burden to my family. I couldn’t make my mom tired or hurt by writing, I couldn’t make my dad angry by writing, and i couldn’t in my siblings way if i was writing. I wasn’t a burden when i was quite and I liked that. Like now I suppose.

    At 17 I started having suicidal contemplations, i figured it would be easier if i didn’t exist because there would be one less problem to deal with.. The idea had subsided for a while as I was in college and made friends, I felt free and safe to be myself. the idea grew and i felt like it became a conviction that became stronger after being sexually assaulted at 18. I dropped out for a while to get away from that environment. I was stuck at home again, There were ups and downs. Sometimes i’d feel like i was progressing and other times bad things would happen. At 21 my best friends family kidnapped me and submitted me into a hospital. I’d never been on drugs in my life, i didn’t drink, i was a virgin, yet they sent me to the ER, and jokingly told the doctors that they didn’t know if I was on drugs. I had to prove my way out of a rehab center and a mental facility because they thought it would be fun to joke with my life. My family treated me weird after that, like a failure, so i worked hard to gain their approval I went to school, got straight a’s, got a job, graduated from a college, bought a car, and got my own place to show them that i was always fine. It’s like nobody believes in me anymore. I got a boyfriend and things seemed well. He was christian, had a good family, and went to church every week…until he forced me to have sex with him. My life felt like it was falling apart. I stopped eating, I still maintained straight a’s but didn’t get the scholarship i worked so hard for. I had to quit school again in the last week to get a job to pay my rent and still managed to get a 3.0 gpa after dropping most of my classes. So I got a job I worked hard and financially I’m stable. Things were going good again and then I found out I had pre-cancer in my cervix that makes it really hard to have children. I have been denied from every single insurance company you can image. So things are really tough. don’t get me wrong Life is good. I’m doing fine financially, I have a really nice place to live, a really nice car, a job, a boyfriend, yet I feel so empty. LIke I’m fighting in vain and everybody can see my struggle yet all they have to say is to stop complaining about it. I can’t be around my family because they have families, they struggle but they are happy to live. Everyday that I am alive I wonder what for? Somedays I feel cursed. Somedays I try to be grateful. I feel alone everyday unloved, and like i have no purpose or a lacking personality. Yet apart of me still wants to see if something good will happen. THe only think that keeps me from committing suicide is wondering if it will get better. I’m 24 I’ve been through so much and no one really cares. Before I used to feel like a burden to those around me…now I feel like a burden to myself. Even taking care of myself is a chore because it’s not enjoyable or valuable or fun really. All I want is peace with myself and without guidance.. or anyone who cares in my life… sleep is the only peace I find and if death is anything like it i wonder what constant peace would feel like. I dont want to hurt or harm myself or others…never have. I just want to be loved and heard, and helped. I wish someone would care. I dont want to lose the gift of breathing but when breathing comes with so much baggage all i could wonder is if I’ll ever be happy.

  116. My name is Aiden. I am a aspiring actor, singer, and author. I live in Florida. I live a good life, but I still have deep depression. I am a eight on the suicidal scale. Most people would think this would be unlikely, but I’m a 12 year old, and I’ve been having these thoughts for the past 3 years. I always have tried to make everyone happy, but in the process I’ve been making myself miserable. Only two people in my life have ever known about this, and that is me and my best friend. It all started back when my parents started fighting. They would pretend nothing was happening, but through the air vents of my house I could always hear them yelling. After a year they were better, but my grades and friends shot down to the point of me getting C’s, B’s, and A’s. I only had about 6 real friends. My parents act like I’m a stranger, like they don’t know me anymore. Ever since then it’s slowly grown worse and worse to where I think about it every night. I constantly have dreams ending in my death from either me or something else. The only thing that’s been keeping me here is my mom, and my best friends. If it weren’t for them, I don’t know if I’d be here today. It’s somewhat gotten better. Whenever I start to feel stressed, and angry, or sad, I put all my emotion into my writing and music.

    I don’t understand why I have to feel like this. Can somebody help me?

    • aiden, I can identify with you. I may be 12 years older but I’ve been there. I write music too. it’s never too early right now to go for your dreams and to really talk with your parents in a very serious way about what you need and how you feel. I wish i would have had the courage to do that without breaking down in tears and not saying anything. What’s kept me is my voice and how powerful it feels in a song. I didn’t start writing songs until i was thirteen. you’re special. Parents fighting all the time is hard… i’ve had to go through that too. Your writing is so good for 12 years old and if you went to college maybe starting early or at 18 i bet you would be a great writer.

  117. I scored an 8 on the suicidal scale, that sounds about right. I am 22 but ive been feeling this way since 15 sadly and ive tried many medications and coping skills and nothing helps how i’m feeling. I lost friendships and my relationship is now starting to be on a tight rope due to putting my boyfriend through alot as much as he loves me and tries to show me somehow in the midst of everything ive changed all together as a person i want the young me back when i was about 5 and everything felt right before everything changed. My family just doesnt understand alot of them don’t see the real me and they treat me like a stranger. Id do anything for someone else before i take care of my own self but a portion of me is starting to feel fed up. Theres nobody on this earth i can talk to because everyone seems to think its all in my head which i know it is but its quite a fight. Not sure if theres anywhere left to turn but the only thing keeping me here is the things my boyfriend tells me like: how he would feel if he lost me and the look on his face gets me everytime just like a child. Hoping somehow theres a way i can change my life around even my health is going downhill i now have 2 health problems i just wanna get better.

    • Chelsea,

      I just want you know that i read your post. I’m 24 myself, feeling as you do often. Like a stranger to family, people thinking that the struggle is just in your head but having your health remind you that there is something really bothering you. I would listen to you if you ever need an someone to just talk to and someone who understands and can respond instead of ignore. My name is Eva Preyer you can find me on facebook and I will listen. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, I’m so glad for mine too, haven’t told him about my struggle lately. But I just want to let you know that I understand and if you don’t believe me i wrote a post as well, feel free to read it if you think you can relate. I think things can get better.

  118. We all have sad stories some of us just wants someone to listen while the rest of us just have gotten to the point where we don’t care we just want to die, any place is better than where we are. The only thing that’s preventing me from doing it is my mom, we’ve been through hell together and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s tried to sit me down and talk about when she leaves but I can’t handle it. So as long as she’s alive ill never let these thoughts break my mother’s heart. I’ve always been the perfect child, the pretty girl. But I’ve learned that even in a crowd you can feel so alone my past is painful but I don’t carry it with me … ive had suicidal thoughts since a young age but I’m used to life being great and then one day it’s just not. I feel like I’m strong enough not to do it but even on my good days I wish someone else would.

  119. I’m 15, and my mom was on the phone talking about how worthless I was for thirteen minutes- and when she put down the phone and saw me all she said was “Why are you crying? You don’t have time for that! You have homework!” I’m not really sure how to react… I would put myself as a 4 on your scale, but I would say I’m afraid that if I tell someone that I’m suicidal they’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or attention… What should I do? I’m not sure I want to die, but I found myself looking at a gun a bit ago…

    • You are not worhless dear, ive been in your shoes before our parents never know something has really gotten to us making us feel down and they think we are too young to feel anything but you’re only human and if needed reach out to someone from here or start a journal. Stay strong things are going to get better!

    • I feel completely at a loss right now. I feel up and down on that scale. At its best I am a 5, but tonight I feel like a strong ten. I get crazy thoughts about walking into the kitchen for a knife. I dream about and pray about a stranger randomly shooting into my brain stem. I wanna die quick and easy. I dont own a gun. I pray to God to let me die in my sleep. I had demons visit me in my room one night as a result of that. I cant stand my life. I need help. In a bad way.

      • I feel same way William..i don’t know who to talk to….i want a quick death and hope I run into an armed robber or some situation so someone can do it for me…I want to die and don’t have guts to do it myself…….can I talk to u about this? I don’t want to be judged just someone to listen to me

  120. I’m 18 years old who’s beginning university this year. I’ve felt suicidal since this year began and all my grades went to shit. I feel like such a burden and a shame for my parents, they’ve trusted me and expected something good from me and here I am telling them I got F. Again.
    I constantly get fantasies about me shooting myself in the head on a rooftop.
    I feel so ashamed to be me… I feel so bad for my parents that has to live with such an awful daughter. I just want to get rid of their problem, I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired of being depressed.
    I just don’t want to live anymore. I can’t become anything.
    I’m not smart, pretty or talented.
    I hate myself so much.
    I wish I can end it soon.

    • I guess I am not sure where else to talk, I’ll try here. First, sorry if this story is long, I don’t mean to waste anyones time. I’m in my 30s, and am usually alone. I’m atrocious at making friends. Even in high school (Ages ago now) my friends would approach people and id make friends off their willingness to talk to anyone. Well, for those who graduate high school, you know what usually happens. You all go separate ways. (For kids who are young and still in high school, and are bullied, trust me, high school ends and you wont see 95 percent of them again!)
      Any who, as for family, I got none. My dad was the “black sheep” the outcast on his side. My mom, same thing. That made me an outcast by default. I’m an only child. My father passed away a few years ago, which was no fun. Now, all I really have family wise, is my mother. That;s really all I have family wise. One time (Beore my dad died) my aunt called, because she knew he was close to death. I tried being nice telling her I love you, and she basically said,”okay, get your dad.” I got the message loud and clear.
      Friends…..I honestly have none. I know that’s hard to believe,”everyone has a friend.” but I honestly don’t have any. I am definitely a “glass half empty” type person, I wasn’t always this way.
      Relationships, i’ve had 2 long ones. The first ended, and we were suppose to be friends no matter what. Well, at this time we had the same mutual friends, but I told them all to make sure she’s ok. Well, eventually they all took her side because I wasnt going to bad mouth her. I wont do that. We ended things, it was pretty mutual, I was honestly ready, but I figured we’d stayed good friends. Well, we didn’t. She also dated a guy she said she was just good friends with, I trusted her, and when we mutually broke up, yup, she was with him. I think they’ve been together for like a little over 2 years. Good for her.
      The last one ended a few days ago, Im still baffled. Again, we said wed always be friends, and this one I honestly thought we would, I mean I told her stuff I’ve never told anyone. Well, one minute she told me the loves me, next a small argument, boom, over, and I got no way to talk to her. Also, it’s deja vu as I wont bad mouth her, and most of my friends were hers first, so I wont do that, they were her friends. Again I just want them to make sure she’s okay. I just cant bad mouth my ex’s, I don’t feel it’s right, and I def loved her, but I just want her to be happy, whatever it is.
      Ive tried even making friends online, but that’s a disaster too! I just feel I’m always alone, but i’ve been alone so long, you get used to it. I try to make the best of my time with hobbies (solo hobbies) I have. In the end though, after awhile it does get to you.
      Just atm I feel horrible. Im getting at a point does it matter if I live or die? Truth is, if I died only my mother would care. If I ever lose my mom, idk what I’d do.
      In the end, sorry for venting here, I wasnt sure where else to go. Also, I dont wanna call those hotlines, I just can’t. Sorry if I wasted anyones time by this story.

    • I know what you mean about not being pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough… I have four siblings- all girls. My eldest sister got a full ride scholarship, my second eldest sister is on multiple sports teams and was the captain of the track team, while my second youngest sister is extremely popular and pretty and gets good grades, while my youngest sister is the baby of the family and utterly loved by everyone while being the artistic one with band and choir and theater. So there’s no way I can be the best in any area that my parents will notice- if you put me against any of my sisters I fall short. So, try to think of yourself by a different measurement. Rather than comparing yourself to people, see the things you yourself are good at and realize that even the smallest skills or traits have a value- maybe not to you, but to someone, somewhere, so try to focus on that. This might seem trite, but I hope it helps you.

  121. Hi, am 17 about be 18 in a couple of months I have just found out when I was 14 that I had some medical problems. But what the twist is that the doctors told that I had them since I was 6 years old. And life keeps getting tougher because none of the doctors can’t find out whats wrong. I’m home bound and have no job. So, I keep thinking of committing suicide almost every day but don’t know how to tell my parents.

    • alyssa,
      just talk to them about how you feel how difficult is has been for you. I’m sure they’ll listen.

  122. I have thoughts of suicide everyday for the past 12 months. I go about my day as happy as can be. I sort of do it to get myself out of it but it never works. My suicidal feelings are different. The fact that my life could posively impact anything isn’t enough for me to want to live. Before I had everything going for me. I was smart dean’s list honor roll student in college wanting to be a doctor. All of a sudden I had serious sleeping problems. It affected my health it got so bad. My grades went down and I was too ashamed to even try anymore. Everything just fell apart and I fell feeling overwhelming shame and humility as I fell. My life just went on autopilot, everyday became a blur. I felt angry at the world for being such a cruel place to people all over the world. I felt so strongly about it for so long that I lost all anger and just accepted that all I really want to so is die.

  123. My name is braden and
    Everyday i have thoughts of killin my self ive planned it before ive told people i was dont with life i need help.

  124. I understand how you all feel i made my piece with god and layed in the road last night hoping to get hit and go out easy but never did one of my friends picked me up still want to try it again been depressed all day stayed in bed and haven’t talked to anyone I’m only 17 but i feel e a fuck up and that i want out

  125. What made me more depressed is when my only friend here of 5 years that I lived here, died suddenly, my family were not understanding. They dont get this man is my only family here so its like losing your whole family when I lost him. His family did not bury him at all so he layed in a morgue for weeks and I had no way to find out what was happening. His ex wife will get all his money and she is a millionaire’s daughter and has a big job and I am pushed into poverty again. If he were alive we were going to have a new business and I would have been working with him That is also lost. My only brother was supporitve at first long distance then started making snarky comments like’well people should take care of themselfs if they dont have healthy lifestyles” (because my friend was overweight and sick alot and liked beer). Well my friend did not eat half of what I ate in one day, he was visually impaired and his build some is inherited and the fact he died of a heart attack was more likely genetics due to his blindness as it ran in his family with two others who died of bad heart. I found that so hurtful. THen my sister emails me” you are going to have to let this go!”….well tell me, if you have a ft job, a very good friend and this man looked out for me in every way even my financial, and that man dies suddenly and on top of this where he managed the place we used to work, they did not even buy a card or have a function at all for him, my friend saved this man’s business and he is also lying and if money comes in, he is suppose to give me 20% as m y friend was suppose to get 50% and give me half….but this man thinks I dont know this and he is underhanded. All he cares about is getting the file from the last meeting they had at my friend’s apt which no one is allowed in his place since he died except the family, who has not bothered to contact the supers for 7 weeks now. So it tells me money owed was discussed and that owner also does drugs sometimes and used to show up there asking my poor friend for money. This man is soulless. I went into the workplace and he had my friend’s photo and my sympathy card turned facedown. There was no where else to send cards or flowers thanks to his family being so mean and heartless. My brother is coming on a trip and I dnt care much to see him, he has not been concerned or cared for me in years thanks to his wife. It gets to a point like why bother. The last time he came the talk was all about him an d his wife he never once asked anything about how IM doing, I brought it up that I cant find work for 3 yrs and Im low income and dont have enough to live. When I said i cant meet friends here he say go to the gym!! I was homeless and in a mess and he did not offer to show concern, not even meet for a coffee. The other family who care and love me are both with cancer now. My dad is dead. All my friends are happy in love so are my sisters with money, kids friends, etc I have none of that. They play favourites in my family. Some have turned people against me….I was always told they were too busy to see me and I found out what that means, its not true at all. They just dont want to see me. Even my niece and nephew here avoid me, they only see me if I make a plan but they take their time to decide and only spend 1 hr with me then leave so why bother. Its always me making the first move. Their parents must have told them to avoid me, Im not stupid. When my brother came on a trip I told them 1 week before hes coming and to message me back so we can all go together, I did not hear from them. Then I get a call and meet my brother and find out he already saw them the day before, so that says it all. And then Im told they are too busy yet they have time to bring a friend and show up when my bother is staying in a hotel and do dinner. Do they really think IM that stupid, that they did not get my facebook messages?? I should tell my brother off, then he had the nerve to say”well middle ages people should have their affairs in order” (about my friend). My friend died unexpectantly he had no heart issues his yearly physical was great . Then I could get into all the guys I had dates with who everyone was a jerk to use me but played the game…

  126. I’m Matt Behr, I’m 16, and I am at about a 6 or a 7 on the scale. I feel determined to kill myself and am having a hard time dealing with the seemingly unavoidable thoughts of dying. My suicidal thoughts are very focused on how other people have even the slightest chance to die soon, or in the far future. Just the thought of having other people die before I do is tormenting me. Now, I feel it to be hard to help someone with this, because everyone dies at a certain point, and with that knowledge, it drives me closer and closer to suicide. It’s a tough case.

  127. Hello, my name is Amanda. I am 18 years old and i am about a 9. For many months now probaly a year i have thought about suicide from sun up to sun down. I say it repetativily to myslef in the car and when i am alone, that i should kill myslef and no body loves me and that im fat and ugly worthless. i rage alot in my car and alone and often scream ar myself and talk down to myself and hit myself. I work and attned college so its easy to hide my beat up face from my parents. My mom left me in npr when i was 14 explaining that she just didnt want to take care of me and i jsut didnt get it. i was kicked out of my fathers whn i was 11 for being whore although i had never had sex and clearly didnt know what a whore was because mmy stepmom said i was having sex because the crazy neighbor girl who was much older said i was. I have straight A’s in school. i work out regularly. i do very well acedemically and take very advanced classes. for my prom which jsut passed my parents took pictures and didnt even post them, i sat in my room and watched all my friends stream photos of their prom. i just barely found a lst minute date, My best friend is a 22 year old who does alot of drugs and displays alot of self harmful behavior like lots of unprotected sex with strangers. i personally havent dated in along time because i can no longer feel a spark or anything for that matter for anyone. i actually get very mean and nasty when a guy starts to fall for me. And its very rare because alot of guys dont go for me . Especially when my friend is around. The only time i feela anything is when i cry because i cannot tak e my life because of my father, He is the only reason i hold on. Hes such a good man. He only does what he thinks is best. But i think after 5 kids and my stepmom. ive kind of jsut been forgotten. when my father picked me up from npr when i was 14 he was so disappointed, i had many arrests. For fighting. All of which were with adults much older than me. A few of them were my moms abusive bfs . And she called the cops on me for beating them when i found they had touched her. And da few older women who attacked me when i was out with my mother who liked to drink and party and could not defend herself. i am very strong and hurt them pretty bad, i was charged as an adult since 15. i moved in with my father and kept getting in trouble. Killing him and breaking his heart was all i did. I hated school. i hated the kids there. i never understodd the drama and the one night stands or sexat partys. although i am very nice t everyone and well liked, i always hung out with an older crown outside of school. But from the start i was never really invited. i have been baker acted for hurting myself. But ihate medicine and refuse to take it since the VA has made my mother an abuser of medication. I skip school alot although i maintain my grades. I was never praised for not having sex and getting pregnant and doing drugs and attending student coucil and sports teams. i was still the little girl that was a whore at 11 because of a rumor my stepmom dragged out i was still a liar and a violent person , even though when i fough its for what i believed was right. i was never praised for cleaning the house and dressing conservitavily . And then lol i started with weed. and then molly. And then shrooms, And then it was acid. Then i tried coke. Then someone slipped me meth in a blunt and my self esteem is at an all time low. My prratents forced me to date because they havent seen me date since i was 16. And this boy waited 5 months going above and beyong to make me feel beautiful and loved just to get in my pants…the next day he brekas up with me , goes back to his ex. tells me to stop thinking so highly of myself and that i shouldnt wait for sex im not worth it and they come up to my work all the time and put gum in and on my car. and go through the drive thru and throw sauce and drinks and food at me. and run me off the road. and i dont tell my parents. they dont ask where i am when im out for hours. they dont tell me congrats for finsihing high school. lol they jsut said wooooowwww . when i said my last day was a few weeks ago lol. they didnt even buy my graduation picture and theres a whole wall of my brothers and sisters dedicated to jsut their graduation. and a whole nother wall just for sports. My pictures arent on either wall. they have 2 of me int this house full of photos . ….this house of empty photos. i confessed my depresson and suicidal thought s to a friend who jsut got help. And he crushed me and told me im pathetic and he hopes that i actually make it past 24 and that i stop being a drug addict. lol im so worhless. lol i jsut want my dad to say hes proud…and and have a picture of me next to his step kids. i got past trying all those drugs and never stayed on any of them. not even weed and he doesnt even know. …ive seen my friend O.D and watched another friend die on his bike right in front of me on 19. why did they die……thyew were so beautiful…..why does my friend who uses me and does these horrible things with giuys for drugs, why does she live such a nice life. why am i working so hard and thriough all the chances ive had to be much much wrose, and stayed this person with morals…why am i so unhappy. why do i feel left out. i love so muxh and so hard. i give anythign and everything i have to others so they can smile. why cant i feel love. why cant i feel beautiful. why cant i be wanted . Not eve nsexually but just to be missed or be aroubd…….i dont wana hurt naybidy. But being herre just causes my parents to fight and stress. And theres jsut so mcuh going on…….i dont wana hurt myself, cuz ill hurt my daddy . but if i stay ill hurt him … idk

  128. i just really need help I’m 13 years of age and everything just seems useless to me in life people text me nasty things that art even true and everyone just hates me and i kinda hate me to. Ive started cutting just to take the pain away . I’m a mess i really need help . it feels like i don’t belong in tho world i just want to escape in never land

  129. My name is Amanda and I will be 30 on the 16th of June. On May 11th, 2013, I lost my brother to suicide. I have been a cutter since I was 12. I lived in a group home at the time of my brother’s death. Although I got to go to the funeral, I slept through most of it because the Dr. from the group home had me heavily sedated. This weekend I would have to say that I was a 9 on your scale because I had my plan in place and had actually overdosed on my medication to the point my blood pressure bottomed out on me. At one point I do believe it had gotten below 80/60 so I am very lucky to be alive right now. I have also been in and out of the hospital like 4 other times this weekend for slicing my wrists and forearms as well. I’m going to go see my Therapist and Case Manager today and tell them I’m ready to let them help me.

  130. Hello I am Chloe, 14 years of age. I’ve had a really rough life with some family drams. Latey in the last few months, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. Suicide is all on my mind 24/7, that’s all… I’m most liekyl a 10, planned to commited suicide- want to kill myself. Need some help asap

  131. I feel like I am at a 9, things just got out of control this past weekend. I feel like a failure but yet to this point in my life have been successful. I am 48, have been with the same company for past 19yrs as network engineer, and I can honestly say I enjoy my career. I have been married 25yrs, have a daughter in college and son who is a sophomore in high school. Both wife and I have excellent careers, but she always throws things in my face, like how she works a lot (as if I do not) She chooses to work a second job on weekends for extra money then tells me she works just about every day, and I am a nine to fiver but on call 24×7. Our combined income is 250k, in Ohio thats pretty good. I have always been the discipline parent and never got any backing support from the wife. Now my kids hate me, wife says kids walk on egg shells around me. I would do anything for my kids and my wife but yet I am the villan. I do not drink, do drugs, just work, support my son in his games and support my daughter. All I ever wanted was for my family to love me, but honestly, I think they hate and despise me. Last year on fathers day, not a happy fathers day from anyone in my family. I am really tired of the hate I feel they have towards me. I have thought about just leaving the home, then perhaps they all could be happy. However, I cant see myself without my family and thats where the thoughts of suicide enter my mind.

    I commute 70 miles to work each way, and I wish I would just get hit by someone in car and take me out. I have tried to think of ways to end it, so it would not look like suicide so my family could collect on my insurance policy. If I do go thru with suicide, I just want to be cremated then have ashes flushed down toilet because thats what I feel my family thinks of me.

    My whole family, wife and kids just coming down on me. I have no one to talk to. No real friends here, just a bunch of school parents I know from kids sports teams etc. certainly not people I could talk to about how I am feeling. At work its the same, just people I work with but not close with, I just do my job then come home to a family that hates me.

    Throw in the fact that I have sleep apnea and maybe get 4hrs sleep a night, not all at once though. Im just tired, really tired of all the crap and how I am being treated by my family, a family that I would do anything for. It hurts, at night s in basement I will cry, just on how miserable I am and cry more when I think how family hates me and would be better off without me in the picture….

  132. Hi. I am a woman in my late 40s. I had a happy life into my 20s and 30s, but I had to leave my city many times for work and this would mean new situations and people and upsets. I had one man who loved me and I loved for 11 years but I left him in 2001, but he did not stop me. I hated where I was living we had no real friends and no family around. We were low income drowning in debt. I also had loans to pay that took 12 years and its the reason why I never married or had kids. After this man I met rotten men, they seemed so nice the first 6 months…then turned abusive. I had to keep moving for work, and came to a big city that if I knew about the way people think here I never would have moved here. I have been here 7 years in like a kind of hell. You cannot make friends here. Its filled with very nasty people. I had to live in rooms after I lost my good job and did not have enough to eat well and for the bus. I sent over 2000 resumes and still have no work. I worked since I was 15 and always held good jobs and I am educated but this city they don’t want a woman over 30, they just wont come and tell you this. I have no family here, I had one good friend for 3 years he died last month unexpected. I tried dating for 6 months and I had 7 dates every one of them was a rotten man, lying, broke, does weeds, has no car, dating multiple people, is still married, they all just want sex they dont want an ongoing relationship, why did they waste my time. I got rid of all of them there is one still calling who just wants to use me. I want to leave here and move to a smaller place I have in mind but again I will still be alone. I dont have kids either. My family some have cut me off and dont care, some do care but have alot of their own problems but they live far away. Same as girl above if i moved back to where they are Id be in bad poverty, its very depressing there. Every person I met her did something mean to me or they dont bother with me or they are not good people, even the place I volunteered for over 2 years I wont go back there….I dont have enough to retire and if I get a bit more money it wont make any difference to my future.

    • Never have posted or replied to anything like this online but a few things you said sounds so much like me, I now know it’s not all in my head. Everyone is out for themselves, I also didn’t have children and all the men I meet just want sex. They could care less about how you feel…they will just move on to the next one. I often wonder whats going to happen to me as I get old. I was looking out for a man in his 80s, running his errands checking up on him daily so he didnt have to go into a nursing home. I got my company car taken away so he let me drive his since he can no longer drive. In a nutshell, his place burned down and his dead beat sons came for the car, didn’t even give me 1 day to get my affairs in order. I took care of their dad for free for years and they couldn’t even show me the courtesy to treat me with respect. SORRY HAD TO VENT wish I knew voodoo…lol

  133. Hi, I am only 12 years old (yes I know please don’t make fun) but this past year I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. Along with that I have been very depressed. When we go to lunch I don’t eat. Even though I bring my own lunch to school. I feel nauseous all day. My grades have been dropping. I am ignored or used by most of my “fiends” I am left out, often times the “annoying” one. I am left out during lunch while my fries are talking, I just sit there and A, waif for the lunch period to be over, B, Silently cry to myself, or C, start out loud bawling and hope someone will at least ask me what’s wrong. I’ve gone to the nurse during lunch and everything but then they force me to eat and have me sit in a chair. Everytime I even think about school im soo nauseous. I’ve lost a lot of weight lately. I’m not anywhere close to being attractive, while everyone else has boyfriends. I have an annoying voice and I’m not athletic at all. I don’t take compliments well either, because they are totally unexpected and catch me off guard. I end up saying “NOOO omg”. Sometimes I think “what’s to live for??, I have nothing. All you do in life is live and die.” I’ve had problems with my sexuality too. I feel disgusting if I were to turn out to be gay, and that also makes me depressed. I’m about a 3 ot 4 now and I’ve gone to a few counselers but I’ve never felt comfortable. Help.

    • Young
      Google Madison Holleran. Her story is very sad but it made me think. I am 53 and have thought about suicide since I was in my early 20s. My best friend killed himself and I had no idea he was even thinking about it. It took me by surprise but after the smoke had cleared the thought was now in my mind. I am between a 3 and 5 on most days but a couple of times I have been as high as 10!!! At that point I was placed on a 72 hour hold. One thing that keeps me going is the thought of what this would do to my family. I was deeply affected by my friends suicide and 30 years later it still haunts me. When I watched the video of Madison and I could see the pain in her fathers eyes as well as her friends it reminded me of the pain I felt when my friend died. I would hate to put my family through that. I have been taking a break from therapy but should be going back soon. I hope you continue your therapy as well. There are people who care and who will help. You have to find something you love and stick to it. For me it’s music and camping. Sometimes I listen to the same song over and over with headphones so there are no distractions. I hope you hang in there.

    • Hi Young,

      I would never make fun of you. People who are 12 years old can still have mental health challenges. Here are a couple of things I can tell you:
      * Keep getting help. Help takes time to work and you have to keep at it to feel better but you WILL feel better.
      * You do not have to face your problems alone. Reach out to organizations that focus on mental health and youth like this one:
      * If you don’t feel like your counsellors are helping, see a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in care for youth. Those people are most likely to be able to help.
      * I understand how scary it can be to think you might not be straight (I’m bisexual) but you don’t have to be. There is nothing wrong with not being straight, if, indeed, that’s how it turns out. Call these people to talk about these issues:

      What I’m saying is that you have a lot of life ahead of you and _it_gets_better_ so hang in there.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Hello Young,

      Let me first say that I am glad that you’re sharing your feelings with us. You are helping a lot of young people by showing that it is ok to express yourself and most importantly to ask for help! I am proud of you. I am 37 and it seems like only a few years ago that I was a teenager. Sure, you have heard that before but trust me, this time in your life will pass soooooo fast. You are at a stage in your life where your body and mind is changing very fast and becoming more mature. You have so much to live for and you can use your experiences to help others. Do you feel only this way at school? or other places? Maybe the environment that you’re in and who you are around is not good for you right now. What helps me to get over my feelings of doubt and sadness is to think about the positive things I have done and how I am needed and loved. For example, I teach and I have had several students tell me I am supportive and want them to do well. That is a good feeling of being wanted. Whether you are gay or straight you deserve to be loved and to give love. As I am writing to you right now, I feel better already knowing that I may have helped you in some way. God bless.

  134. Every day I feel loathing for my life. I imagine ways I could quickly die… I am so unhappy. I have three children and I would have killed myself…I know I would..if they were not here. That doesn’t stop my depression or constant sadness. I volunteer tutor. I work in a job I hate. I hated all 21 jobs I have had. I am a workaholic and I am given far more work than I can handle. I pi ver eat..I spend too much..I go out frequently searching or happiness but it’s short lived. I am kind..generous and intelligent but all I want is to hide away and shut out the world.

  135. Does anyone elsef eel suicidal on cloudy days? It’s somewhat cloudy now where I live and all I can think about is grabbing a knife and opening up my veins. God I want to die! God why did you make clouds? They are my bete noire!

  136. I’m 22, feeling about 8 or 9.
    I wake up each morning to the immediate thought of how miserable I am.
    I’ve tried thinking positive for the longest and it did nothing to help me.
    My mother physically and emotionally abused me and my siblings and allowed horrible sexual abuse from older family members.
    My brother was murdered from an abusive step father.
    My father was an alcoholic junkie and the only time I saw him in 4 years after my parents split I was 7 and within the first day he cut off all my hair as punishment for absolutely nothing.
    My mother kicked my brother out when I was 13 and he was 15 because my brother was upset that my mother would let a pedophile live in our home.
    Shortly after turning 14 my mother pulled me from school and registered me with home schooling, within weeks I came home to find that she had moved away in secret without me. I had nothing and I lived off friends in a flurry of drugs for 2 years.
    My sister living hundreds of miles away in another state had grown up with our father and by the age of 23 had 3 children with a man exactly the same as our father.
    She manager to get me a bus ticket to come to her.
    I worked hard to take care of my nephews and try to be emotionally supportive to my sister while trying to control a heroin addict for 4 years.
    During this time I met what would become my first boyfriend and biggest mistake. All my free moments would consist of him controlling me, raping me, locking me in closets, beating me in his home and in public for children and people to see but no one did anything to help.
    After getting home late because of these reasons I was seen as being irresponsible, unreliable, and unless.
    Nearing the end of these 4 years my father who had left the country long ago contacted me out of nowhere for the first time since he took my hair and claimed he was a changed man and wanted a relationship.
    He told me if I could get my GED he would take me in and help me get a job.
    One month later I broke up with my boyfriend, my sister had found a new boyfriend and was moving in with him with no room for me, and I scored extremely high on my GED and passed with flying colors.
    My father laughed hysterically at this and said he didn’t actually think I would do it and said he would not do anything of the sort with helping me. I assume he did it to hurt me for whatever reason. Not that anyone has ever needed a reason to ruin me. I managed to get back to where I started 4 years prior to that and found an office job that i’ve been at for 2 years as a medical debt collector. So now being 22 my mother,(after 8 years) shows up on my doorstep amazingly with the man that she kicked my brother out for and stormed her way into my life and racked up all my bills. The only family I have in the area (I wasn’t very close to them much in the first place) decided to drive all the way from a different town 200+ miles away and go into my home while i’m at work and go through all my things and take almost all my belongings. Everything I worked so hard for was taken away.
    In the mix of all this i’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. I remember coming into work trying to hide rings around my neck or missing chunks of hair. Recently in the past few months I realized that it must be something about me that makes everyone hate me with such a passion my whole life.
    It makes me think back to the things my mother used to tell me when I was a little girl.
    The most memorable thing I can remember her telling me is , “Think of happiness like something you hold in your hand. People are born givers and takers. Givers give their happiness to the Takers because thats what they are born to do without selfishly thinking of themselves.” She always told me I was a giver. When I was younger I thought it was a great thing and was happy that my mother would see me in a positive light until I grew up and realized how horrible what she meant actually was.
    I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about this and how i’m just not meant to be happy.
    I think about suicide many many many times a day and have attempted 6 different times since I was 12. Normally when i’m in the moment before jumping from a high drop or throwing myself into highway traffic I think of all the things people have told me when I actually asked for help. “Thats the cowards way out.” “It’s not as bad as you think it is.” “Dont be stupid.” “Its a permanent fix for a temporary problem.” “Thats so selfish.” and then I think about all the positive things that could come from it. “Maybe after someone would realize the wrong they’ve done to lead up to this, that might motivate them to be a better person to others.” “Maybe someone will finally love me.” and then I think its for nothing because they could forget I was even alive rather quickly.
    Sometimes I stop my suicide attempt in the moment because I think to myself “maybe this is some kind of strange karma to make up for an immense good that could be coming to me in the future and if I hold on it might all be worth it.” Then I continue my life without anyone knowing how close I came to jumping because I know noone cares.
    I hate that I have such horrible depression and the only moment in my life I remember being what I would consider “happy” was taking care of my nephews. I would love to be a mother some day but I have such a horrible fear that I will never be normal enough. I dont want to have my own children because I have horrible medical complications in my family.
    I worry about therapy because i’m scared ill be considered an unfit mother because of some mental illness and never be happy again.
    I worry that if I can’t be fixed I can never adopt a child to give them a loving home.
    I probably sound like i’m delusional to even entertain the idea after all i’ve been through and how I feel that I could ever be a fit mother and adopt a child; which just makes me feel worse because its been the only thing i’ve ever been good at.

    • Hey Aaron, I felt compelled to reply to your post. That’s a very rare thing for me.

      I came here to this site feeling sorry for myself. I’m suicidal because of life conditions I’m responsible for. I’m 27, I have a pill addiction, I’m back to living with my parents, and I hate my crappy job. But you know what? I’m lucky. I have good parents that are alright with me still living with them(they actually prefer it), I have a job when other people don’t, and aside from a pill addiction, I’m in good health.

      If there is anyone I should be feeling sorry for, it’s you. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through. You remind me a lot of my cousin who experienced some similar hard times – though nowhere near as painful as what you’ve described. While I know that someone having a worse life than me doesn’t dismiss my pain or my right feel depressed, it does put things in perspective for me. It makes me look at those I’d hurt if I did kill myself; people that love me. Something you’re missing in your life.

      One thing that is always on my mind when I think about killing myself is how I’ll be forgotten. No one wants to be forgotten. Knowing someone out their loves us and is thinking of us keeps us alive. Even if we are no longer living. I want you to know that I won’t forget you. Every time I think about ending my life, I’m going to think about what you’ve been through, and how you’re still here fighting. I promise you. If knowing you can change a person’s outlook on life isn’t enough reason to keep on living, I don’t know what is.

      I know it’s hard. I know it’s painful. But I also know good will come from it. You’ll be the mother you want to be some day, I know you will.

      Whether you believe in God or not, at least know I’ll be praying for you. In your darkest moments, somewhere around the world, someone will be praying you’re doing alright. Lets keep each other alive.

    • Aaron

      You write very well. Perhaps pursue a career where you could put that talent to good use. I don’t have much to say about your suicidal thoughts as I am battling those demons myself… On a daily basis no less. I won’t trouble you with my own tales of woe. I grew tired tired of talking about it so after 4 years of therapy I quit going. I truly hope you get better. My thoughts are with you. Best wishes.

  137. Hi I’m nineteen, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar mania when I was thirteen. My father was very physically and mentally abusive towards me and my mother. I dropped out of school in the ninth grade and obtained my GED. School fell to nothing once my mom and dad got a divorce and I realizing it was gonna be tough not having good money to keep us stable and having to survive with little of nothing. Everyone in my family would always expect me to become the man of the house, work to pay bills etc. I also have two brothers so with that being said my mom had her freedom to do whatever and I was left home to babysit at 17 through 18. No one would help me get a truck or car to get to work so I was stuck. So finally my grandparents decided to give me their 2002 dodge ram extended cab to use for work and a way to get around. Trucks not in my name because it was used as a collateral to get my moms car. Well about a year ago I found out I was diagnosed with OCD cleaning disorder to specify what type of OCD. I got a good job working for Budweiser I’ve been engaged for two years. I’ve been working for Budweiser for three months now and I’m trying to move out. My mother has no job and I feel like I’m being used. Trying to find love and attention from my family and trying all these years is just made me give up. Idk if anybody will read this but I feel like my life is over I have nobody as family to understand what is happening so this is what I all needed to come down too…

  138. Iam 44 years of age, I was diagnosed with HIV 20 years ago. For many who have this illness it first feels like a death scentene. Doctors will tell you otherwise which with advances in medicineI is some what true. Am 2% of the world population one of the lucky few to live a drug free life from viral drug intervention to keep me stable. I was told by my doctors that am an elite controller a rare gentic of DNA in my makeup that keeps my CD4 count low and my viral load undetectable. Its hard living in fear of death no matter how old… how ill…how much pain you are in. I live with the thought of a short life every single this a blessing! I am still healthy 20 years and still here. I have suffered with depression …rejection …feeling outcast from society …but all my feelings and emotions are held within. I hate my life.. I hate my job..I hate this battle from within to lead a normal life. My only real freind is my dog his been with 11 years . I say to him which of us is going to die first me or you its my private joke. His become very old and suffers with arthritic pains. I never imagined a life without him as his always been there for me. He knows my every thought and feeling … which am someway sharing with you. I know some people may laugh at this but I dont want him to die..I dont want to be left behind. I have nothing more to give to this life yet to follow this path to exist. I work to live, life has become such task.. I feel privileged to have made it this far and I know from what I have read here their are so many people worse off than my self. I am here to tell you a very shorty story in breif of how my world revolves. Seriously have nothing else to live for. I think about suicide all the time and I know its time to move on.
    I get nothing more out of this life only to live in fear of lonelyness…fear of when my body gives up.I feel like I have been fighting to stay alive for more than my fair share. There is no prospect or future, nothing to look forward.. If your reading this I am not looking for sympathy, am just telling you how far I have come. Am looking at my dog asleep at my feet and wish one morning I just never wake up. The rate of suicide in Ireland is high here . One more death wont make a difference but at least my story may live on and one day someone will listen.

    • hi j,

      i find it ironic that while i came to spill my secrets on this page of suicide, I’d be reading someone elses and writing to them about how i can relate to them. With finding about precancer and not having medical insurance at 24 , to finding out that i received herpes. it does feel like a death sentence in the worst way. I know now Hiv must be similar to this. I wonder how life got to be so lonely yet i still wonder if i can go on to never have another breath a day too soon. we only get so many…that’s what keeps me going is knowing that it wont be forever but having time to live moment to moment. I’ve been working on making better moments. I hope this works. I just wanted to let you know that people do listen. I’m listening to your courage to write this post and I’m listening to your openness, and I’m listening to words I wouldn’t have been able to relate to had it been a minute too soon. I think more people are listening to. i appreciate you for sharing.

  139. I’m a 40 year old woman. Married. 3 kids. I’ve been suicidal my entire life. As young as 9.

    I first attempted suicide at 14. It was a bottle of Tylenol. I was mad when it didn’t work.
    I’ve made numerous attempts since then. [moderated] I’ve given up trying because it never works. I’d love to just shoot myself but I fear I’d live [moderated].

    I’m tired. I’m not afraid to die. I look forward to it. I know I have kids and shouldn’t be so selfish. But I’ve always been at the point of thinking that no one will care and no one needs me. They’d be ok.

    I recently had major surgery. I was sad I woke up. And that none of my family came to see me during my six week recovery–or even called to see how I was doing–let alone offer any help–spoke volumes to me.

    My husband is a jerk. He makes me want to shoot myself in the head almost daily. Maybe that’s on me–allowing another person to affect my feelings. But I really do feel like I’d rather be dead than continue suffering around him. Yesterday I just wanted to fling myself out of a moving car than listen to him.

    I’m at the point where attempting suicide isn’t even an option anymore. But I wish I was dead on a daily basis. It’s a horrible way to live. I hate my life. Antidepressants and counseling haven’t worked. We even went to couples counseling once (after I had checked myself into a mental hospital) and my husband was such a jerk that the lady said she could not help us. A psychiatrist told me that my problem was 1/3 depression, 1/3 hypersentivity, and 1/3 HIM. LEAVING him isn’t an option. I’ve done it before and he just made my life worse. Why shuffle my kids back and forth and be poor and still have to deal with his crap? I’m so done. I just spend each day going through the motions.

  140. I’m 8-10 I really want to commit suicide please someone help I want to end it a painless death [moderated] just please someone help

  141. I hate my life it could be worse but come on my grandma and grandpa is dead my mom rather kill herself than look at me she threatens to kill me and i want to say just do it but i won’t school is just a place where i can do work and get bullied i have no friends because they started to bully me i beat them up because they try to beat me i have tried to do it over ten times today i wish i was never born i wish that you could still go to heaven if you commit suicide why dose life for some people suck people say i am crazy well i wish that i was not hear right now and to top it off i am bipolar i am called fat at school and i cut every night because i wish that i was a ghost nobody could hurt me then maybe i people saw how much they hurt me they would stop and i am 13 years old i hate myself i wish i was perfect but i am not no won tries to help me i am at 9 i have recorded videos left notes tried to run away it dose not work may be i am useless in life nobody cares about me maybe it is for the best is what i tell myself all the time but it is not i wish it was

  142. I just want to die….
    i hate my life….my wife…..marriage was the biggest mistake of my life

    • Vangard,,,,,,leave the marriage, that was the best thing I did for my sanity. Just leave…Imleft him with everything just took my clothes ,my car , and the child and started over in a small apartment with nothing and now better than I have ever been and did it without any child support no contact and he made no attempts to do the same the love was just gone .

  143. I don’t get this 0-10 scale. My thoughts of suicide don’t occur everyday, but. I have the distress of a 6, the plans of a 7, and feel I have nothing to live for / others would be better without me like an 8.

  144. Hi my name is Janely and I live in mass.Usually I’m a pretty cheerful girl and I’m very nice but I’ve been dealing with crazy things in my life.First my mom and her abusive boyfriend and people at school and just everyone picking on me.I don’t know what to do I don’t know what I am in this life anymor. And I haven’t attempted suicide but I don’t know if its because I’m too weak to do it or if I’m too strong not to. I have too many emotions that I don’t want to deal with anymore. I’m angry because the people I love are avoiding me. I feel so lonely because my mom doesn’t understand and I could never tell her. I’m angry at the world for being so cruel.I’m sad because noone will listen and I’m on the edge.I just feel like I’m worthless which is why everyone picks on me which is why I’m like this. I always ask myself am I getting what I deserve?do other people feel this way?I’m sixteen and I never thought that these thoughts would ever cross my mind but these days they burn in my head to the point where I can’t sleep and then I just feel worse. I feel like no one can help me because they will just say compliments that are so meaningless at this point for me. Maybe it’s simply too late for me. Maybe I can’t even be saved…..

  145. Dear Wendy, I just read your message and I think if you left your boyfriend life would be so much better. It seems you are on your own anyway with him, so being really on your own , you would not judge yourself by him sleeping with the dogs, let him, he no doubt deserves no better. I wish you happiness x

  146. My name is Raheem Moore. I’m 23 years old, and I live in the worst place in the country (new jersey).
    I’m here like most people.. because I don’t feel like life is worth it anymore. I lost everything. My girlfriend of almost 4 years. And my daughter. When my ex left. She took my 3 year old with her.. broke my heart. I raised that little girl.she became my only reason for living and now I’m only limited to seeing her in pictures and on video chat via Tango…..I almost died February 20th of this year, due to a car crash.. I was in my way to work when it happened.2 days after,I got the call from my baby’s mother that she’s been cheating on me and is leaving me for another guy.. long story short. When she left me here in was Just so I could continue working and return back home (Florida) with my wife to be and daughter.. none of that happened. Instead I’m stuck in my dad’s apartment.. feeling as though I’m the biggest burden to mankind…. lost my car.. lost my family probably lost my job, (another long story), I lost all will to live. I just don’t know what I did too deserve all that I’m being served..and if nothing else matters to me.. my 3 year old daughter does. She’s the only reason why I haven’t gone through with it.. but sadly, I’m afraid she wouldn’t be enough to keep me alive anymore.I know I’m rambling. It’s just something I’ve always done. But I once tried to commit suicide when I was 17. Sliced my left arm right open. Sometimes I wish my school nurse wouldn’t have found me..because I wouldn’t have had a child to hurt because of my actions…I just don’t see a point in struggling, and being miserable.. I’m not the type of guy that has patience for a therapist nor will I go down that route again.. I don’t drink nor self medicate by using pills or what ever this younger generation is doing these days. I smoke pot. Witch helps but that too is running its course and is becoming less effective. Truth is, as a former gang member. I’ve turned my life around tremendously. But why am I being dealt the shitty deck of cards?. I know this is life and shit happens. But why to the good people..why does set backs happen to the ones that is showing the most effort in succeeding ina positive way..I’ve always battled with depression, but not like this.I feel like I’m at the end of the rope and my adult brain can’t really come up with a alternate solution to cope with the pain I’m feeling inside..a few people around me pretend as though they know what I’m going through. But they don’t. I cried myself to sleep every night since Halloween of 2014. I dragged my self into work everyday, in hopes of my hard work and efforts finally paying hopes of going back home on the 28th of February to my family… lord knows that the thought of having my girls in my arms once more was all that I was asking for…everything I’ve ever did was for them. And this is what God blessed me with. All I want is to have my daughter back.. I’ll figure everything else out.. because without my beautiful child by my side.. feel as though I’m already dead.

  147. Pingback: What Do I Have to Live For? | Anita Agers-Brooks

  148. I’m 13 years old and I’ve been depressed for about 7 months. This is probably nothing compared to anyone here, but iv’e tried to kill myself at least 4 times. I’ve tried slitting, overdose, and drowning. It never worked. My friends acted like they didn’t care. They would listen to my problems for about 20 seconds, and then say: “I thought we were talking about peanut butter…” My parents yell at me constantly even when I do the smallest things that piss them off. But I met this wonderful guy and we are pretty much best friends now. My parents signed me up for “therapy,” which to be honest only made it 10 times worse, only because they signed themselves up for a session. And there’s this rule where what I tell the therapist, she can’t tell my parents unless I give them permission, or unless I’m feeling ‘suicidal’ or doing ‘self harm’. (Totally defeats the purpose here…) I knew that they would tell her things that I didn’t want, so that basically put MORE stress on me, and I got even sadder. I’m a little better now, because my parents cancelled their little “meeting” with my “therapist,” and like I said, I met a great guy who’s helped me so much. One of my now best friends saved my life. I was about to take like all the drugs in our cabinet, and I called her up to say my goodbyes. She started sobbing and crying and telling me that she would kill herself if I killed myself. So I didn’t. The next day was my party. I told her that I would definitely kill myself on the night of my party no matter what she told me. But I didn’t. So now I’m a lot better. I still get a lot of those stupid outbursts where I feel completely useless, and I want to kill myself. But they’re not as bad as they were before. TRUST ME!!! LIFE GETS BETTER!!! You just need to wait, and get help. And think, if you can’t live for yourself, live for somebody else. It will make your life a lot easier. ~ Allie

    • Dear Allie,
      I am 26 years old and had a lot of the same thoughts when I was your age and a little older. When I was 11 my mother was killed in a car accident and after that I decided that life was no longer worth living. My family is a gun family so it was always pretty obvious to me how I would kill myself and at one point I even wrote a note, a will, and gave away alot of my stuff. The thing that stopped me was the thought of my father or brother finding my body and having to clean everything up and go to another funeral after my mothers, I realized that one of them or even both might do the same thing as they were both in the same place as me. It doesn’t really matter what your reason is for living as long as you are. I would say by high school things got better and I think that’s when things get better for a lot of kids as they find their real group of friends when they are thrust into that new environment and when they get used to the huge amount of hormones in their systems lol (I am not saying that suicidal thoughts are all just hormones, I am just saying that it can be a factor when combines with other issues in ones life). I guess what I am getting at is it will get easier. I try to think back to what my big problems were at that time in my life and I would say the biggest was my peers, specifically those of the opposite gender but based on your name I am guessing that you are a girl and since you are a girl and about to be in high school then that won’t be a problem for you for long. Also, remember that your parents love you and might not be able to take you passing away. You are exactly right, “if you can’t live for yourself, live for somebody else”.

      Good Luck Allie,

  149. I really do not see the point in carrying on in this miserable life of mine anymore. My boyfriend of 12 years would rather sleep with the dogs than me. My two adult children have beautiful lives and do not want to be bothered by me. On September 20th of this I would have earned three degrees AS in Accounting, a BS in Accounting, and a BS in Public Accounting (within 4.5 years). I have nothing in my life that makes me happy. I have been contemplating suicide for two days now. I could chug some bleach that would sure do it or I could over dose on my antidepressants that sure as shit do not work. I am planning on writing good bye letter to my 4 girls and my 3 grand-daughters but not not my boyfriend. I know it is not how a normal person would think but my sadness and loneliness has hit a point that feels like it will never decrease. I see a counselor but she does not help in any way. My personal physician thinks I am a great women but is clueless about how I feel on the inside. I truly am afraid to die but why live day by day feeling so lonely, so sad, so worthless, no invisible.

  150. I don’t know if I’m suppose to post this or not but I’m just fed up with everything at this point in my life .. I’ve got the worst luck in life & everybody expects so much out of me for so long & I continue to fail them & continuously let them down & I’ve lost a lot of great friends & family because of my unhealthy ways but I do try my hardest to change but it never fails that all eventually comes crashing down on me over & over .. I honestly see no purpose in my life like what exactly am I here for I find it very hard to find my purpose here & I know there is others that have it worse but still my point is no matter how bad the situation is if a person is completely fed up with that situation that it leads to suicide it all equals up in the end.

  151. I’m at an 8. I’m physically disabled even though I don’t appear to be so, crippling back & knee pain. I’ve tried working with my doctors & all I get is the “drug seeker” label, so I have no choice but to turn to “hard” drugs just to be able to cope with the pain and all that leads to is addiction. I’ve done rehab, it works but then the pain is still there. I’ve lost my wife because she couldn’t deal with me being in constant pain & then when I confided in her about everything, she filed for divorce. My children & pets have been the only thing keeping me alive over the past 6 years but now my kids are becoming teenagers & are “too cool for Daddy”. I won’t leave my pets behind, already have made the plans so that we’ll all pass together. I’m working on my letters to my children, family, and friends, I know from personal experience that not having that as a survivor denies the closure. I refuse to call the crisis line, confidential my ass. Last time I did, I got a call less than 10 minutes later from the sheriff dispatch & a visit for a welfare check from a deputy. Guess what that did to my sense of trust. I would rather make my plans, carry it out, & die alone than have to deal with those self righteous jackasses. Since I’m physically disabled & cannot work, I’m on SSDI but child support takes 2/3 of it & since my monthly benefit exceeds the preset limit & since I’m not the “primary parent” for the sole reason that I am a male, I cannot get any additional assistance other than a whopping $51 a month to feed myself & my kids, whom are home with me over 60% of the time. And when I point this out, I’m told to get an attorney. If I could afford an attorney, don’t you think I would have done so? MY kids are out of school & home this week for Spring Break, I’m going to have the best time possible with them during this week so that their last memories of their father will be of love and knowing that they were the most important aspect of my life, & when they return to school a week from Monday, I’m going to implement my plan. Don’t mistake this as a “cry for help”, the sole reason for me entering this is two fold. One, so that I leave a record of my existence & the facts that led to my decision and secondarily, so that perhaps people will read this at some point in the future & put forth effort to change the established “system”. Believe it or not, the female is not ALWAYS the best choice to raise a child!

  152. I want a change in my life, but I’m afraid of change right now. I just go back and forth in my mind thinking about what I want to do. I feel very hopeless and alone right now.

  153. I’m at a 8
    I can’t do this anymore
    I have no one to go to
    I’m scared of talking about it
    I don’t know how long I can stay
    I can’t do this anymore
    I’m sorry

    • You are scared and frustrated. And it clouds our way of thinking. PrayI usually read the bible n pray that God release me from the pain. But also, take the risk to talk to people. It really feels weird at first. But also praying feels easier. God doesn’t judge or feel weird when I talk to Him. I just don’t feel like he’s waiting for me to stop talking so he can talk about his troubles or that he’ll be annoyed by my whining.

      I’m not gonna say some passive garbage like, “I’ll be praying for you.” Because it would only be a promise for today.

      But I’m hoping that things turn out better for us all. We are all messy. We’re all good people. What’s messed up is that us depressed folk see the wrong in humanity clearer than most. But it forces me to be the kindest dude on earth.

  154. I have just read the suicide self assessment, am at stage 8. Three weeks ago I would have said between 0 -1 and have been rapid cycling since then I went to 7 and now 8.
    I have always struggled to ask for help but today phoned my gp and will be seeing him in half an hour. It is still incredibly difficult to verbalise things I have done to myself, am so ashamed, I never want to admit them out loud to anyone.
    I have avoided seeking help recently as terrified it may impact on work. I have discovered that every hour taken off for appointments is calculated and after 5 days worth it comes out of unpaid time. This freaked me out. I have leukaemia and have regular appointments, now I have to try and tally up my hours in a year. The dominoes keep falling and I spiral more and more out of control. A month ago I was invincible, super woman and barely sleeping was so full of energy. This is a nightmare

  155. I’m about to commit suicide.
    i dont even have a phone to call for help.
    i have everything ready for a death as painless as possible.
    i dont want to die. i just dont want this huge void thats sucking my whole life into it. ive been fighting for too long.
    theres no one to stop me. im all alone.
    i guess this is sort of like my final plea for help…

    • Hi Enough,

      I have been in your position before. I know how scary it is and I believe you _don’t_ want to die, I believe you _want_ help. But you have to reach out for that help. I understand you don’t have a phone – so go to a hospital. Walk into one and ask to see someone. I don’t know how things work where you are, I’m sorry, but I know that there are people who help people who are in mental distress. Reach out to an organization or, like I said, just walk into an emergency room. If anyone is having an emergency, it’s you.

      Please do this now. Your life is worth trying to get help.

      – Natasha Tracy

  156. This is actually the first time I’ve ever been able to fully explain what’s going on in my mind.  After seeing all of the posts on this page I feel like you all would be more understanding, regardless of the length of my post which I apologize in advance by the way.  You don’t have to read every word, or any of them at all, I just feel like it’ll do some good to have my situation out there for someone to stumble upon that may be similar in which case I would like to hear how you cope with it in the long run. 
    I’m an 18 year old male in a small country town in Texas, diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder when I was ~11 years old.  Was never clear on how or why it was developed or at least I wasn’t told.   For whatever reason I kept every single thing bottled up from everyone and my mother felt it was a good idea on her part to take me to a therapist for years following which always yielded 0 results being that I never opened up to any of the psychiatrists.  It’s not that I’m afraid of what they’d think etc. just that for some reason it’s like my brain is hardwired to cringe at anything that deals with what they call “help”, so I just put on a smile and said I was cured.  Didn’t work unfortunately, since then I was doped up daily by said mother on very high doses of Seroquel, which I put a very abrupt end to a few years later due to very unwanted side affects that I never spoke to them about.  In a nutshell, things went south one year my dad got arrested for domestic violence and me, my mom, and two brothers were relocated to a discreet family shelter for a year or so.  We decide to leave after everything settled, parents get divorced soon after, older brother gets sent to boys ranch across state and I choose to live with my dad in moderately poor conditions for a handful of years.  Mom remarries and dad gets a new girlfriend.  Dad was somewhat of a drunk, only at night though.  Just so it’s out there, it’s not like we were family in the ghetto or anything you all are probably thinking, fairly wealthy and well known family around this town but very few blood family members left.  Anyways things get out of hand one night and he decides to get into a one sided fist fight with me and stepmom, landing him in jail for the week.  I move in with mom and stepdad, he seemed to shape her up to a somewhat more decent human being so all was well for a couple years.  They get worried, aggravated more like, that I never spoke to them about anything that was going on, I kept my circle of friends fairly small so I didn’t really have a whole lot of people, if any, to talk to about this stuff. You all are the first.  Moving on.  They get worried so they make the school send certified “psych” people to conduct tests through my high school years.  Finally cleared of their diagnoses by faking my way through it, wasn’t hard they were just worried about my grades and whether or not I’d beat someone within an inch of their life or something.  I was the quiet smart kid in the back with the big coat on with his head down never saying a word but had the reputation of a more likeable charles manson I guess would be the way to say it. (clean police record btw).  But I was well known and more or less well liked once talked to.  Moving on to this time and day, 10 more days until my birthday whippee. 
    Live with my Mom and stepdad again after moving around quite a bit, got tired of moving so I reduced my possessions to a twin bed set a flat screen tv an xbox and a bed side little table full of personal effects between me and my girlfriend, and a few other things.  Getting towards the end don’t worry people.  I’ve had 5 jobs since I graduated last June. Got my very first truck two Decembers ago, it may very well be the one thing I truly loved in my life, darkish green ’94 Chevy c1500 with a 5.3Ls, from stock to fully custom by myself.  Totaled it September 11, 2014 because of poor choices on who I gave rides to. A couple I had history with in passenger seats, 12:30a.m. going through town, girl’s drunk ex spots her with other dude in my truck, ends up playing extreme bumper cars with me all over town trying to chase us down and run us off the road and kill them from what the police told us later during questioning. Completely totaled my front end when he got floored it in front of me and hit the breaks 20 ft away sideways, me slamming into him doing 40 with a blown drivers side tire in front. Lost vehicle a month ago because I stupidly had a title loan on it prior to the wreck and ended up losing my job. So I now have no job, living with in parents apartment, with no vehicle, and absolutely no aspirations to speak of.  Have very eradic mood swings when I’m alone, very large percentage of the day.  Very regularily “abuse” antihistamines fully aware of risks, have high tolerance thanks to the seroquel years with dilaudid here and there.  If I’m not in an active conversation, 99% chance I’m in what my therapists call the “2,000 yard stare” which unbeknownst to them is very comfortable to me, still aware of surroundings but no thinking whatsoever until something needs my attention.  I’m fairly happy I suppose when I’m busy with something but during down time or just at random during the day I hit a very depressive mood where I really want to just get it over with and down a couple bottles of my favorite sleeping pills, very strong insomnia by the way end up taking 800mgs Diphenhydramine regularily and stay up through them until the next day, and just going to sleep.  I have absolutely no regrets for thinking this way but for some reason I feel really bad for whoever would find me that way because they don’t deserve that and I know it.  Girlfriend is my high school sweetheart and I can’t imagine putting her through something like that, which would be the only reason Im typing this now. I don’t get crying kind of sad like a stereotypical suicidal person, just a mind numbing kind of state that I snap out of after a certain amount of time, but repeats almost every day. I do not want any kind of sympathy, just want to know if there is anyone with a similar situation? Most of you seem to know why you feel the way you do, and are completely justified to feel that way, I dont judge. But being that I dont have any sad type feelings for past events or remorse for any of my actions of events, i cant seem to put my finger on why my mind is stuck in this cycle? Whats worse is I somewhat like feeling like this and still to this day will not willingly go to a therapist and repeat this to any of them. I do apologize if my explaining has been haphazard or if I lost you a while back, also about how long this is, hopefully you guys like reading idk.  Thank you for listening, I do feel a little better for the moment but I’m up for my second day now so we’ll see how it goes.  And no I won’t be acting on those thoughts any time soon, not trying to worry you or anything just wanted to get my story out there.

    • HI I wrote a post that is quite similar to your …just not as much detail. I’ve been here. It’s almost like your telling my story. I’m 24 though and a girl. Sometimes i cry randomly to get the pain to go away quicker these days but for years I was numb while writing my own post i was numb. But I feel like you understand and were able to put in words some of the things that i battle with daily. It’s hard.

  157. this is just to vent:
    my issue is, i have reoccurring suicidal thoughts all the time. the thing is, i feel like i have nothing to be suicidal over. i have no reason to be depressed. everything is okay; others have it much worse. i realize that, and that makes me feel pathetic. like i deserve to die. and that makes me more suicidal. it’s a cycle, a never-ending cycle. and frankly, i’m getting sick of feeling like this. the only thing that’s stopping me is knowing how many people i would hurt. i know i’m loved and cared about. i just feel like they’d be better off without me.
    i know it’s normal to feel this way. i know i’m not alone. but that doesn’t make it hurt less.

    • I too know that I have it good, very blessed in many ways. I certainly am in a much better place than I had it five years ago.

      Five years ago, my then wife decided she wanted to go in her own direction. I won’t go into all of the details, only because I really do not have the kind of time necessary to get into it at this juncture. Nonetheless, after dealing with the emotional turmoil, the hell that one must go through to get to the other side. The path that must be taken to be able to have the time necessary to emotionally heal so as to open up your heart once again is one I never want to go through again. I even want to help others avoid having to experience it. Want to help even more so those who find themselves in that dark emotional place called divorce.

      I state this briefly only to point out that not once during that experience and the other experiences you have during a bad marriage and whatever other bumps there are in life did I ever contemplate suicide.

      I do not want to of course. Its just starting to concern me that after all the things that have occurred in my life and to now be in a much more settled place, in a very loving and supportive relationship and have what is best described as was #2 on the list – “Thoughts of suicide start to become more frequent and begin to feel more personal.”

      Maybe its a phase, maybe its part of the changes that one goes through as you hit middle age as I am now. Not sure…. But I don’t want to and will start to inquire, ask and search for a resolution so that these thoughts of despair get cleared out of my mind before they become uncontrollable and I find myself where I no longer want to reason and only want to stop the madness, the noise that exists in my head.

      Will continue reading here to see what else has been said in the hopes of helping and of course being helped.

  158. I want to die because there is no relief and are no answers. I am a woman no psychiatrists can explain: I show every sign of being lesbian except sexual desire for women. Before you dismiss this, allow me to describe it to you. You might recognize others like this: 1) Tomboyish, androgynous in behavior and appearance. 2) Prefers sports and athletic pursuits to baby care, fashion and jewelry. 3) Deep, masculine voice despite female body, face and appearance. 4) Extremely visual: i.e., the way a sex partner LOOKS is more important than any other factor – this is more prevalent in males, and heterosexual women like this are RARE. 5) Attracted to men who are effeminate or feminine, and who possess very high level of physical beauty. 6) Not attracted to the typical sloppy, chunky, boxy, ugly, grimy, low interest in appearance heterosexual male AT ALL.

    The above combination of traits has isolated me and wrecked my life. I find myself repulsed by the typical gay or straight male, finding him physically unpleasant, yet stupidly attracted to male twinks, most of whom turn out eventually to be very, very into other men, and reject me. This has gone on for 25 years and I have yet to find a partner anywhere. I’ve tried women and just cannot get into breasts and vagina. To me, they’re as repulsive as the usual sloppy heterosexual male and his genitals.

    At the same time, straight men upon meeting me quickly become obsessed. Many have stalked me. Though a tomboy inside, I unfortunately have an hourglass figure, symmetrical, clear features, wide, baby-like eyes, small nose and mouth, small chin, long shiny hair and a body that yells FEMALE a thousand miles away. Both gay and straight men keep falling in love with me. I don’t want either. I want the impossible: an effeminate, beautiful male who desires women, not other men. After 25 years of the pain and rejection of this, I want out.

    So today I am thinking of guns and of hanging myself, and am reading your website. It’s amazing to me as an American how British websites make so much more sense, with more information and understanding, and less hyperbole. I appreciate the content of this site. But I doubt it will prevent the inevitable.

    Because psychiatry has no category or explanation for women like me, and I am isolated, at the end of my rope without hope for a partnership, and very alone.

    It’s like being a mutant or alien here speaking a language you other humans cannot understand.

  159. I think SOME people who commit suicide truly want to die. In fact I’ve never attempted it bc im too afraid it wouldn’t work for some reason. But I can honestly honestly honestly say, I would LOVE to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel bad for a few people (fam and friends) but they’d get over it. I don’t have kids so I wouldn’t feel guilty. I’m BP II btw, on meds and “stable” but would chose death over life any day….

    • Bkbaby I feel the same as you do, no kids and fam and so called friends will get over it.
      I am in full” fake it til you make it mode” smiling ,running errands and functioninginform day to day.
      I take my meds and eat ,shop, sleep, clean like I am okay , but I have planned my departure
      I have a date time location and method all planned out and only God can prevent me from succeeding.
      I pray that I die in my sleep but so far no luck so I have tomhelp it along.

  160. Hi just joining the chat. I have been taking meds for bipolar for over 10 years and from time to time they had to be adjusted ,because they seem to stop working and the voices and visions of graduer returns and I become royalty and those around me are my minions and I stop speaking to people I called my friends because I feel they have betrayed me and my trust and then I am all alone even though I live with my family,. I can’t stand to be around them then I start plotting to kill them then other days the feeling is gone , then something will be said or done by someone and I’m back to my serial killer thought. I daily plan my suicide but then quickle realize thatI am coward, so it will have to be swift and painless. My past attempts were overdoses and they were not painless at all . I also feel like I would be a perfect candidate foe a suicide pact because I feel going with others who suffer like me would make it easier, no more pain , no more suffering ,no more being judged, no more lonliness ,no more meds. Or doctors , just peace and silence at last. God please grant me death.

  161. My name is Sascia, i’m 21 years old woman. I lived with my parents, my younger sister, my grandpa and his new wife. I just move back here to my home after spending a happy 6 years life away from home on the other side of country.
    i was very happy with my life away from home. I stayed with my aunt and her 10 years old daughter. I was really really happy to have a life there, i have a lot of nice friends, i had a nice jobs, and i really enjoy every single step i took back there. But everything has changed since i moved back to my hometown. My parents forcing me to come back here and stay here forever. I was thinking maybe i can just stay a couple of weeks and talk to them nicely that i really want to spend my life in the island and continue my career there. But i was wrong. I talked to my mom about it, about how i want to go back to the island so badly. But she got angry and cried because all i told her. She didn’t want me to go and left again. She said i did a lot of bad things and i can never return to the life i want.
    i was thinking why my mom got this angry to me and i found out that my aunt told her everything. She knew my secrets and all bad things i did. A week before i left, my aunt read my diary i hide. Whats inside it until my mom and my aunty really angry to me? At the first i just wrote about my daily life because i dont really like to write my daily life on the social media. Include all of bad stuff i did like when i get drunk and woke up in a stranger’s bed, when i lied to my aunty.
    My whole family are religious people, and they are fanatic. But i’m not fanatic to a religion, That’s why my family hate me for what i did because it bad for them and bad for religion.
    I’ve been in relationship with the guy i love. I love him, he love me. We had a really good time, he is a nice guy,he always support me when i’m down, he was the one who always remind me to not to do the things my mom hate, he was always there for me in my hardest time, and we’ve been in relationship for 3 years. Until we broke up august last year. The reason is we have different religion. Our family are fanatic with our own religion, and there is nothing we can do with it. But we still in good communication since then because we know, we still love each other. And this is one of the reason my parents don’t want me to go there again. to separate me with him.
    Last night i tried once again talked to my mom, but it didn’t end up well. She cried, like a lot until she was sick. She is sick now because of me. I am an evil.
    It’s been almost 2 months since i was here, i lost a sense to be a human being, i refuse to eat, i lost a lot of weight, i feel useless, i’m jobless, i got nothing to do with my life, i don’t know what to do. Maybe if i die my family will have nobody to stressed about and no one get hurt because of me anymore. All i can do is just crying from wake up until i sleep again. I have no one to talk to. I am unhappy in my own family surrounded.

  162. My name is Jeremy Meyers, I’m 13 and live with my mom, dad, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, and my great grandma.

    If been depressed about three to four years now but it’s only getting worse. At the beginning I only had suicidal thoughts about every three months and I really didn’t know why, my life was pretty good, yeah I had a couple bad grades and people that really hated me but I just didn’t care. A year passed and I almost failed 6th grade, this is when I really started trying in school but then my great grandpa and grandma couldn’t take care of themselves anymore so we moved from my house in Kentucky to my grandma’s in Ohio and I went to school there. I quickly started to hate that school I had homework everyday and big projects every month. So I failed social studies,barely pass language arts and got A’s in math and science because that’s all I had time to do. I started to get extremely stressed out but never showed it because at this point I started hiding all of my feeling except and replaced it with a fake smile and acted happy all the time.

    My parents got into a huge fight bigger than their other fights they have like at least once a year so they split up I went with my mom along with my brother and my sister went with my dad. We moved into my uncles house and went to a different school and this school I actually like I made friends and was truly happy in along time. On April 23, 2014 a day after my birthday my great grandpa past away. I knew he was going to die soon, but I didn’t expect to get as sad as I did again I hid it from everyone. My parents got back together and I was forced to move back in my grandma’s house losing all of my friends, but at least I’m able to see the few friend I had at that school again.

    8th grade year comes along and Im talking to my only friend he was asexual and atheist. And I tell them I’m gay (I’ve told any one this ever and I kind of blurted it out) and he quickly says “no,no,no your gay as in happy”. I say “nope I’m homosexual” back to him. He then says”no, you can’t be gay you look or act like one” and I just glare at him for a couple seconds. I tell my parent a week later and find out my mom is bi. So my best and only friend moves away to Oklahoma so I no longer have any friends, I’m still stressed out, unhappy all the time, and I’m getting F’s in my report card. I start act like I’m sick or excuse to not go to school and my parents have to start pulling me out of bed but still end up not going.

    My mom puts me into Ecot (an online homeschooling website). I really didn’t know what to do so I just logged in everyday and told my parents I was doing my work. They didn’t check on my at all really and I just stayed in my room all day. My sleeping schedule started to get crazy, changing frequently just because I refused to sleep or I sleep all day. I started to fell extremely lonely and that no one gave a shit about me. My mom and dad got my first report card for Ecot and it was all F’s, no work turned in whatsoever because I just didn’t care anymore. Life wasn’t going to be amazing as I always thought was going to be I was deeply depressed, unhappy all the time, I just couldn’t find anything to live for.

    My mom took everything away from me. I wasn’t aloud on my tablet, or the computer, or PS3. I wasn’t even aloud to watch tv (The only reason I’m on here is because my grandma lets me on her tablet behind my mom’s back). I just laid in bed all day. The suicidal thoughts I had every couple months began to happen every week. I would cry before going to bed and felt like dying. I took a knife from the kitchen and started to slash at my arm, the knife wasn’t sharp enough to make me bleed but when I was done my arm was covered in scrapes and bruises until it was swollen and red. My parents still don’t know I do this but I’m getting really close to just walking into the street and getting hit by a car. I want help but I’m afraid of telling anyone how I feel, I’ve always been like this, I’d rather get hit by a speeding car than cry and talk about my feelings in front of someone.

    • Hi Jeremy. I’m El. I read your comment and I felt like you haven’t told your parents (obviously) and that your parents are really unaware of you and what you do. Can I just say SAME? I was overly suicidal upto two years back and even had a note planned out and written but I chickened out at the last moment. Now, I just walk with a fake smile, fake laugh, fake everything around and my own parents feel that I am happy whereas I am miles away from feeling anything. My mom knows about my depression yet she doesn’t want to take me to a pyschiatrist because, I quote, “What will people say?” She also feels this is something that has to do with me being a teen and my hormones acting up. My dad has no idea of anything – pretty sure he doesn’t even know what subjects I study. I’m writing to share with you my incentive to stay alive. When I realised that my famliy just does not care, I knew I had to get out – and fast. My grades had fallen to an all time low but I have promised myself a life completely different form this. I started immersing myself in my studies to divert my attention from my parents fighting and my dysfunctional family. I advise you to do the same. Think up a believable future, that you want to live through. And then work towards achieving it. Its hard work, I’ll give you that, I gave up so many times I’ve lost count. But it helps to know that if anything, YOU can create your own paradise at the end of the rainbow. It helps to know that in a few years you’ll be away from all the drama and tension of home life and on your way to do something solely for yourself with no one looking over your back. It helps to know that in a few years, I can tell my parents exactly what is on my mind without fear of being evicted from my home and being homeless because I’ll have my OWN home. It won’t be big and expensive but it’ll be a better place to live in. A place where I can cry when I want without being judged. A place where I decide my life and my rules. And if you are worried about people not accepting you because of your sexuality, let me tell you that the support for the LGBTQ+ community is more than the dissuport for it. You’ll be accepted. And you’ll be fine. But you have to know that you yourself can only decide what to do with your life. Its your life. Your rules, your decisions. Don’t let anybody decide somehting for you and don’t let anybody’s thoughts become your own.
      Oh and that friend who left you? He’s a major dick (sorry for the language but he is) because you yourself said he was asexual. He disregards his own community. Don’t give him any thought. You can live without friends too. I do. Its even less of a hassle.
      I hope this helped. And please don’t get hit by a speeding car. If not for yourself, think about the driver. But that doesn’t mean you try something else. Please, give life a chance. It does work out in the end, although it si a long road. Its worth the wait.

    • youre very young but you are worth time and space. This world wouldn’t be the same without you. Who’s to say maybe you’ll be the next great olympian or maybe you break a guinness world record! You wont know unless you stay. There are millions of suicidal people including myself but at the end of the day we are all worth it lonely or not!

  163. >be me
    >21 Hispanic male, average build
    >work call center job
    >depressing as hell
    >never had a gf
    >has no friends
    >after fulfilling financial obligations plans on offing myself (in an effect to not be selfish)
    >tfw nobody cares

  164. I’m almost 32, female. Married to a wonderful man for over 7 years. Mother of an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.

    I’m bipolar. Rapid cycling, with both euphoric and dysphoric manias. Sick for at least 17 years.

    Last year, my antiantidepressant caused a severe seizure so I can’t take them anymore. The antipsychotic is effective against euphoric mania, but not depression.

    I’m desperate. Exercise is meant to be a good natural antidepressant and I hike whenever I’m not in work or looking after the kids (badly – I make sure they’re fed, warm, safe and well, but I can’t play with them like I should). I’m currently doing maybe 65 miles a week. It’s not working anymore. I see the ice over the river and I am tempted to jump in.

    My family would absolutely be better off without me, but how do you communicate that to innocent children?

    I don’t know anything.

  165. It is very hard. I am in a relationship at the moment. I am 23 female. I have been with my bf 4 years now and it has been so difficult. I found out a day after Christmas that he has been talking to another girl. I confronted him and he apologized and wanted me to stay with him. I still don’t understand how I managed to stay. I love him but he is causing me so much pain. I think about leaving but I know it’ll be the same. I will continue to suffer. I have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is the pain that it will cause for my mom. She is the only person I care about . I care about my family and friends, but my mother is the only great woman I would really never want to see suffer. She is a strong woman, and I wish I would have inherited that from her. I am a great person and I know it but something inside aches and makes me think that it’ll be better to die and end the pain.

  166. And the whole “get help, you’re not alone” thing is a ridiculous, if well-intentioned, cliche. Some people are alone and pretending otherwise is condescending.

  167. Sometimes it’s not about wanting help or wanting to get better. Having a better life, sure. Everyone is so quick to accuse depressed or suicidal people of being mentally ill, needing medication. Sometimes life just truly sucks. Sometimes people don’t have anything in their lives to make them happy. No reason to want to live. Why is it not rational to choose no existence versus one filled with pain? If a person had a non-useful arm that only caused constant pain, would it be irrational to amputate? Of course not.

    People say it is a selfish act to commit suicide, and I suppose sometimes that is true, such as when say a husband and father of 3 decides to kill himself because his shares went down or something. But take me, a guy who has no family left who speaks to him, is constantly physically I’ll and is about to lose his job and end IP homeless, has not had a romantic partner in any sense of the word in a year and has not managed to even begin to move on, and hasn’t even heard the words “I love you” from anyone in months… Who would I be hurting? Some people might feel bad that they didn’t pay enough attention, but I doubt a single person would shed a tear. Hell, I wouldn’t even have anyone to arrange a funeral for me. Now tell me why I shouldn’t kill myself. Go ahead, I’d love to read it.

    For the record, I’m not actually suicidal because I’m too much of a damn coward to risk the chance that there is a god and that is just be killing myself to spend an eternity in hell. But please don’t try to use religion as an argument. We’re talking rationally here.

    (By the way, owners/designers of this page, do you realize how hideously tacky it is to be displaying all these social promotion buttons in such a way as they cover up part of the text box while trying to discuss something like this?)

  168. I am 24. I am bipolar and my mood can flip on a dime, especially if one of my triggers presents itself. I have messed up every relationship I have been in. I’m flat broke And it’s not for lack of trying, I bust my ass and it seems like no matter what I do, there is an anti-me barrier I can’t break through. I have horrific trouble getting to sleep at night, I will lay there for hours with my mind racing. The only thing that has ever given me any relief or helped at all is not legal in my state. I also am subject to a drug test for a new job soon and I’m stressed about it. The job was unexpected. Even if I land it I don’t know how I will make it 3 weeks til I get paid, I have 5 dollars to my name. Almost every single night I have suicidal thoughts. I think about what I would need to do before I could commit the act and then how I’d be able to do it. I just feel like giving up and that things would just be easier if I ended it. The sleeplessness effects my health and my ability to function properly during the day. Sometimes all I want to do is shut myself in a dark room and never come out again. I’m almost out of food, bills are due, and I’m already behind on rent. I recently moved to a new city. I just can’t take this much longer. I can’t bring myself to talk about these issues vocally and especially not to anyone I know. Right now I’ve been laying awake in bed for 2 hours and have no feeling of being tired, only that I wish I could end it. I have become a master at masking my feelings in front of those who know me, but I feel like at some point I might lose control. Idk what to do. I can’t afford to even do anything about it. I need help. Both financially, and mentally and I don’t know where to turn.

  169. I’m 26, female, I recently had my first child. My daughter and she is totally perfect and I love her so much. I’ve felt suicidal for a long time I tried to overdose when I was 15 but apparently [moderated] couldn’t kill me just made me very sick. The only thing stopping me is my daughter if anything ever happened to her I’d be gone. Even then some days I feel like she would be better off without me. My relationship with her dad has turned to rubble. I don’t think I can make anyone happy. I cry everyday. I hate myself I’m not smart pretty skinny or funny. I’m so self concious and I will never be good enough for anyone. I’m disgusting and impossible to love. I just wish I could grow a pair and end my life. Everyone would be happier apparently I’m a coward aswell.

  170. I have recently come out a bad domestic voilence relationship… he is still in my head i have two beautiful children my youngest 14weeks old my eldest 5…. we have a trail date for april but even tho hes supposed to not contact me because of bail he has and hes trying to convincing me that im lyin and it didnt happen ive had the marks and bruises to prove it…. i cant take no more even the other day whilst drivin i even thought shall i jus drive into a tree really fast… only thing what stopped me was my little girl needed collecting from school…. i keep thinkin my only way out is by taking tablets and oding… but then my biggest fear is what if i wake up and im still here and would my children be taken away… my whole life is a mess i have no way out

  171. I’m not entirely sure what to say. My life is ok, I have literally no reason at all to be sad and yet every day I just feel like I’m floundering. It’s a struggle to pull myself out of bed. I dread being around anyone at all, having to put on a smile and go through the day to day menial bullshit. What’s the point.
    At the end of the day, I don’t matter. Suicide is always on my mind, some days worse than others. And I don’t know who to talk to about it, or I even want to. I don’t know why I’m so depressed, but I can’t help but feel that everyone I know would be better off I just. Never woke up. My boyfriend says he feels that way sometimes, but I feel it constantly. I fuck up everything, and basically I’m a waste.

  172. hi.. i am 24 years old and always having difficulty in getting a sleep and most of the time i just want to die. i guess i am battling through depression. my life sucks. i have a daughter whom i really love and a girl i really need. it is strange because they live in other country whom not so far away from here but i am having trouble to have an citizenship there. i want my family to be whole again but my ex girlfriend does not want me anymore in there life. its hard to have a peace of mind because i want to do things that a father should do but i cant, that is why we always argue on something. i know its my fault on why she hate me but i am doing everything i could just to forgive me but she said if there is a person who wont be sorry its me. im totally unforgivable. how i wish i could talk to her, i tried several times but i am afraid its too late and i think she has already a boyfriend. all the things ive said to her is not want i meant. i gave my life to them and start thinking about the future with them but it all change all of a sudden. i dont know what to do, my life is crushed, i dont have any direction to what i should do, i dont want to have a broken family. i think i am not worthy to live because i always tend to hurt someone i really love.

  173. See I’m a fairly mentally unstable 19 year old I’ve been suffering with self harm and suicidal thought for around 7 years now, at first it was something to disguise the pain of never being able to live up to my fathers expectations, the path I’ve got to try and match to live up too! It used to leave me in bits the sheer horrid thoughts of it. I dwelled upon the thought of death from a very young age and the only thing I used to think which still stops me doing it now is the people you hurt with it.

    Everyone here is a very strong person to live with the thoughts like we do, nobody understands us, nobody truly wants to help because when you show them your scars and how generally unstable you are they think you’re a freak and you need to be locked up, I personally have never gone through with an actual plan only left mere body harm to myself, but reading this thread and what other people experience it kinda makes me feel like I can live with it. I’m going hrough my first real relationship break up of being partners for 2 years and confiding everything inside of her. The pain never seems as if it would get any better, why would it I lost the only the only thing i have truly ever loved, I do believe the pain will get better and I will be able to work without looking at tools as a way to kill myself, looking at a cars and trying to end it all.

    Thankyou for the ability for me to post my feelings anonymous you guys and girls are all beautiful people and do Not give up like I am not you will get through it. Thankyou for your time. I do not want help I just wanted to post my feelings

  174. i have no interest in living life.. my age is 25 i have given so may attempts for suicide. even today i have tried to die but .. bcz of blood clotting i couldn’t. I do’nt know this is a diseases or what but i feel like i am living for no reason and i just want to give up.. finish my life. i just have only feeling that no one likes me love me.. i am alone.. i am the reason for all problems happens around me.

    i don’t know how many more attempts i will give but i really don’t want to live any more…..

  175. I was a handsome guy once.. now my face started to burn.. m becoming more and more ugly. . I cant see myself in mirror. I wish I never see it again.. and I wish I must die…

  176. It feels like I’m cursed or maybe in hell. I can’t go on anymore, the past two years I wake up every morning with thoughts of my ex and all throughout the day. She basically threw me under the bus when she left me afree losing family..I am pretty much antisocial now. I quit school, lost my job, lost interest in everything, I drink to the point where I blackout and already landed in the hospital. I quit smoking cigarettes lol I don’t know how but I did. I’m a great listener and it would be nice to reach out to others and maybe help someone. I think about suicide every hour of the day but it won’t happen and I can’t reach out to people I know, I’ll die before going to the looney bin. I wish she would come back to me. :/

  177. I have bi polar disorder and bone and lung disease and sometimes the pain is out of sight and i dwell on suicide everyday now, i’m a 48 year old Male

  178. i never thought in million years I would ever wanted to kill myself, but well here I am thinking the only way out is death. My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. We lived together, we loved eachothers so deeply I can barely put it into words. However, I pushed him away, I made him feel miserable and depressed. I would tell him horrible things and now he just had enough and left me. I have been crying every day for the last 3 months, begged him to come back to me. I lost the love of my life, my house, the stability of a warm home to come back to after a long day at work, friends we had in common, the local pub…everything. I thought of killing myself but I am too scared of the pain to do it. i am trying to find the less painful way to leave this fucking horrible future I have ahead of me. I am 31 years old, I am lonely in a big and cold city is not even my home. When i despair, the only thing it would make me calm is the thought of death. Soon I will fall asleep for good and the pain will finally stop. I will no longer live such a empty, aimless life. Can’t wait to become more brave.

    • Hi Anon,

      I understand that going through a breakup can be very painful, but this pain does pass for everyone. You’re in the midst of the grieving process and, yes, sometimes it feels like it will never end, but it will. People fall in love again. It may not happen tomorrow, but it can happen for you too. But, for now, work on making yourself feel better. See a therapist as they can help you work through your grief and out to the other side.

      – Natasha Tracy

  179. “Thanks to very depressing research we do know many awful suicide statistics.”

    What educated health care professional would phrase it like that? I don’t think you are professionally trained at all. If so, you need to rethink your delivery and processes.

    You have a blog for these poor people to come to and vent and/or threaten suicide and they go unanswered by anyone. This is a horrible website and you are doing people a disservice. There is no help provided, just your callous words of “encouragement”.

    • I’m not sure if this is rude to do on not… but I have to respectfully disagree with you on this count. Even if it was poorly phrased, sometimes blunt words help. Anyone who has dealt with backstabbers and liars appreciates a person who is honest and upfront- although tact is very much appreciated in most cases. I think the blog is very helpful, as it is serving its purpose. People who feel suicidal can vent onto this website and know that their posts are being read and that their problems are noticed. I don’t know about everyone, but I’ve posted my issues on sites just to get them out of my system- I don’t really expect to be answered. So when I am answered it seems like a great gift and another reason to keep on living. So following that -terribly roundabout I’m afraid- logic, I would say that this site is a good thing.

  180. My name is Brie and I’m 16 years old. When I was 13 I started cutting and it would be full on. I would go months of being clean and then I would get those thought in my head again. Now, my arms are full of cuts. I tried explaining to my Grandma that i was having suicidal thoughts almost every night and I even had a note written,but I ripped it up. Last night I broke down and showed her my arms and told her how serious it was. Now she’s taking me to a medical doctor and trying to put me in a rehab center. Is there any other options?

  181. My life has completely taken a dive over the past 8 years. My ex abandoned my young daughters (11 and 14) in 2006. He was, still is emotioally and financially controlling. I’m on SSD and make $938 a month. He will only respond to a text if I kiss his ass. I have to pretend to be nice and literally beg for money, if its $25. Usually I ask my kids to ask him. My father and brother died within two years of each other. I have no family left. I have my kids but they don’t help. My ex scammed me into bancrupty saying we could then keep our home of 22 years and my car. My car was soon gone and my house is in foreclosure. We can’t afford to move anywhere. We couldn’t even afford a moving truck and movers. We’d also need a dumpster. I was also told I’d probably have to give up my dog. He’s my best friend. I have absolutely no reason to live. My daughters? Please! They’d get over it eventually. I have a right to be at peace. I think those against suicide are completely selfish. It’s my life/death, not theirs.

  182. I am ready to die. I feel at peace about it. I have no desire to tell my friends or family about it, as I do not want to be stopped. I am going to go have a nice meal, maybe two. And then I will do it. Not sure how yet. I am a big guy and If i was to die in my bed getting me out. Not sure what to do in that regards. I don’t want to make a mess for anyone to clean up. I am ready. As an Atheist I am ready for nothing. The only thing that does give me pause is if I am wrong. Heaven or hell. I have no desire for eternity.

  183. Mental health Hospitals are great places for “on the edge” suicidal people, because after a few days, you will not be on the edge, because they will be pushing you, ” over that edge. I have been in four times, I would rather go to a regular prison before going back to a “Mental Health Treatment Hospital.

    • I hope things are going a little better for u, Justme123? I see you”re still here, that’s good. :) Have u done one on one counselling? That helped me a lot in the past with a traumatic break up. Medication or different medications?
      A big thing that keeps me going is my family and friends; knowing how much they’ll be hurting if I were to end it. And sometimes I think of the things I have achieved, and realize that if I was finally able to get there, then maybe I can get to the next step, next goal. Maybe more good luck is in store for me if I just get through this now. Something elsecthat sometimes helps is remembering that , unfortunately, there is most often people going through even worse situations than ourselves. Maybe they jave no jome, no food, are victims of on going war, abuse, whatever.
      Anyway, I hope some of what I said may have helped a little. You’re not alone. This life is about survival. Unfortunately it’s just harder for some of us, even a lot harder. Sometimes I just think about the things I do love in life, not only family and friends, but great food, clothes, movies, etc. It would be horrible to never have an ice cap from Tim Horton’s or a Big Mac again! Lol.

  184. I almost died a few months ago from a suicide attempt, yet someone saved me when I was almost gone. I was never in a psych ward, however. Since then, there have been many a time that I have wanted to commit suicide… though deep down, I guess I didnt if Im still here. Im terrified to tell anyone, like my therapist or doctor, because im afraid of being commited to the hospital. I have no idea what its like. Can someone tell me what thats like_ I have this fear of the unknown thats really preventing me from getting the help i need… Please enlighten me. Thank you!

  185. I suppose this is as good a place as any: My name is irrelevant. Usually, I wish I was a ghost and no one could see me. Other times I wish I were a brute and all those people couldn’t hurt me. Neither is true, the latter possible with training. I have a real talent for hurting people, and there isn’t a life still lived I’ve left as other than a mistake. I’m hanging onto the possibility of redemption, but my fingers are cramping. Abyss on either side, doesn’t matter which way you fall.

  186. So, I commented on this posting back on – let’s see, September 16th 2014. I also so remember when you initially posted your Suicide Self-Assessment Scale.. several years, several years.

    Thing is: time has passed and life has continued and yet, I still tend to hover between 7 and 10 during most depressive and/or mixed episodes. It occurs about when life has become so overwhelmingly difficult to bear.

    I work FT, outside of the home in a dead-end job that grossly underpays me for what I possess; knowledge and experience wise. While that may appear “hypomanic”, it really is not and is, instead, the truth.

    In addition to struggling continously for years to just make ragged ends come together.. I’m now having to work over-time, have for some time. It’s taking it’s toll on me.

    That means: I am not sleeping well. I am certainly not eating well. I am so exhausted most days that I actually forget what day it actually is, often times my own name is lost in the shuffle and I do believe I’ve stopped taking both my Seizure Medication and my High Blood Pressure Fluid pill. It’s 1:55am on a Saturday, I’m sitting in the dark and well… I just vaguely remember that I’ve stopped taking the meds a few days ago…. I think.

    My mind then starts all the ruminating of things and people and events of the past, coupled with the present and then it shifts to the future and well.. see’s NOTHING, absolutely and completely NOTHING.

    It then starts focusing on why there is nothing seen, for my future. I am fat. I can’t keep up with myself any longer. I have only the $ I have from check to check and even then, some checks I do not make it all to. I have no education, no skill set any employer seems to acknowledge much less want, I am mentally ill and unmedicated because medication causes me to not be able to function while working and well.. got to work till i take me last breath…. I have no partner, no mate, no crime allegiance… no friends, best or otherwise. Just painfully lonely… painfully and sadly, lonely. No medical help, no psychiatric help… insurance deductible just reset and well, it’s a high deductible to meet and when you come up short on the paychecks… you can’t do the deductibles.

    I then say to my mind “think of the positives”. Alive, have child who is healthy reasonably, have roof and food (the overeating thing confirms) and electric. I have a job, I receive pay of some sort, I do have health insurance.

    I then hover between 7 and 10. I even looked up suicide chat lines last night.. and again, last week.

    So, my getting through every 15 minutes of life… gives me pause to see if help is there. Hmmm?

    • Wow, I’ve never heard anyone say that about people against suicide, that it’s selfish. I totally agree! People always say we’re the selfish ones for ending our lives, but they’re being selfish for thinking that!
      I wish I had something reassuring to say…We so easily think about our own deaths, but it’s so horrible to know other people feel the same way.
      The way I see it, being able to enjoy this world is the luck of the draw. U either succeed and are happy, or u struggle and suffer. I’m 30, and nothing is getting better, no matter how hard I try. Life just keeps beating me down every turn I take. I’m one of the sufferers. I hate this life. But somehow I keep getting back up and fighting, even though Ijust want to go to sleep and not wake up. If things don’t get better, I just hope I can one day lose the will to live and find the guts to end it.

    • Tabby: I’m sorry to hear you’re so lonely. Is there not free counseling in your area for people with lower incomes? I don’t know if that’s something usually offered where you’re from. If u haven’t tried it, it can help quite a bit, talking your issues out; even just having someone to listen. And have u tried any online chats that are not suicide chats? There’s Facebook, MSN, Twitter, lots, I just don’t go on many. Lol U never know, u could make some friends on there. And of course, there’s online dating, too, for all ages. And try to spend lots of time with your son or daughter! There’s also sometimes free training workshops at employment agencies for different careers.
      Anyway, hope some of that helped a little. Good luck to u!

  187. I don’t want to sound negative because that’s not where I’m coming from but It never really does get better. Only for short periods. I have everything to live for but I still love my thoughts of suicide. They comfort me. When my kids are a little older I will be giving up because I’ve learned that it never goes away. We go round and round in circles. It’s ugly and sickening and etched in our minds and bodies and souls. I don’t believe it is wrong to commit suicide sometimes. Not if your children are adults. My kids and nature are the only things I love in this world but it’s not enough to make me want to grow old going round and round in depressing circles. 10 years of abuse has fkd my mind forever and nothing will ever change that. You learn to live with it but it never goes away. I want better than that. I want a better life without ruined horrible memories. I just hope they don’t hate me. It’s my choice and it’s my right. It’s my life.

  188. Well, was hoping for a little help, but looks like its the same here as everywhere else. So I guess today is it. Thanks for nothing. My advice for the rest of you. It never gets any better, just get it over with. Bye

    • Hello JustMe,

      You certainly insist on putting a lot of pressure on people you don’t know to come to your rescue in a very short amount of time. That’s not reasonable. The fact that no one has replied to you could simply because no one has been on this thread and year your 1 or 234 comments. That’s pretty natural.

      As for what to do, there are many things. The first thing you should do is call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They can help you no matter whether you are suicidal or have other issues with which to deal. There are also many mental health agencies that take client on a sliding scale that may be able to help you. What about rTMS? What about ECT? These are things you haven’t talked about that very well could change everything for you.

      Please see this page for numbers and links:

      – Natasha Tracy

  189. Hey Memory, I’m right there with you. I have had a plan for awhile, gathered up what I need and have been getting things in order. I to am completely aware of my choice and want to finish this. Just making sure I don’t leave behind problems for others to deal with after, it’s bad enough that they do not and never will understand, so just make sure all your affairs are in order first, thats my only advice.

  190. Probably hovering between 7 & 8…
    I guess maybe i don’t even belong on here. I have been diagnosed in the past with major depression, but not bipolar.
    But I’m a bit scared that maybe this is all i can take.
    plans? I never do anything without a plan, lol
    lost my relationship and job over Christmas.
    keep trying to find some light. But it’s pretty dark in here.
    there were a lot of birthdays in the last few weeks. Didn’t seem right to leave on anyone’s bday.

    • Hey. You are not alone. I caused my girlfriend to run away from me. Quit a job because she worked there too and it felt like the right thing to do. Now, nothing. Just silence. Or at least it would just be silence if not for this tinnitus. I get the dark, and I am sorry you do too. Sometimes a feel like an over filled methane balloon, or maybe like the detritus after it broke apart. I was pretty well set on seeing myself out, now I refuse to. The remainder of my life will probably be squandered in erratic half measures, but maybe, just maybe, one day I will have the opportunity of helping someone in a lethal situation, having been on the precipice there will be nothing to hold me back. Burning building or not.

  191. I have no desire to live anymore. I have contemplated about dying for a long time but today I came up with a plan. I thought a lot about it and realized that’s the best thing to do. I am so defeated and tired of dealing with the problems that I have tried my best to care for but unable. I just want to give up and really another step closer to do so. I told my best friend about it because i share almost everything with her. I am sure I worried her a lot. That’s not my desire but I want people that are in my life to know… especially those who have loved me over the years and continue to love me that I love them more and back. I am just not capable enough anymore to drag this battle at another point in time. This it is. This is the year and I am ready to end my legacy. I am completely aware of my thoughts and the processes involved in letting me choose this path.

  192. Just read some of your other topics, your bipolar info is great, easy for the non afflicted to understand, maybe. But now I need to be clear that I am not expecting you in particular to respond, I was just hoping for anyone to respond. I also realized I didn’t mention by issues, well in a nut shell, I broke my back in three places when I was in my early twenties, which has caused severe pain in my legs and feet, non-treatable and progressive, almost constant. Diagnosed with high anxiety, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, tried all the meds, don’t work. My sleep pattern is generally 3 nights of no sleep then 1-2 nights with some sleep, then total crash for 24 hours or so. Repeat. I do not hide any of this from my family, have tried doctors, therapy, counseling. Don’t know if there is anything left to try. Ready to give up

  193. My kids are grown, no longer at home, one navy the other army. My husband works out of the country. I am not just some teenager that just broke up with her boyfriend. This has been my life for several years, it just keeps progressing, not sure how much longer I can keep it at bay. Tired of being alone.

  194. I have spent many hours online looking for live, anonymous suicide chat rooms. They are always closed, I don’t want to call someone because they will call the police, then they will drag you to the House of Horrors, opps I meant Mental Health Hospital. So how do you get the help people talk about. I have tried to be honest with my doctors but when I am, they always want to lock me up. which will make it worse. I ready to just give in and let go. I can tell by reading many of the other posts that not even on this site, do people get many replies. So I really don’t know why I’m even posting this.

  195. I like the scale you created, thanx. I generally fall between 7-9 on most days. That is how I came across your post. Doing research, not sure why. Don’t want to call a medical professional, they will call the police and have me arrested. Been there, done that. The so called treatment facilities will push a person who is close right over the edge. I don’t want to live anymore, but don’t want to cause pain to my family. So I live every day, hoping to be hit by a train or get test results of cancer, any cancer, I don’t care. Just want it to be over.

  196. This scale’s a bit awkward for me. Most days of the month, I’m a two or three. Then, about once a month for a few hours, I spike up to a seven. As in looking around the kitchen and medicine cabinet, debating what pill/knife would be most likely to kill me. Not just for the sake of knowing, but because at the time, I am very seriously considering doing it. Luckily, I’ve always snapped out of it before I’ve had time to decide.


    • hey there kristi :D i am not really good at helping people :/ :p but actually i just wanted to know if there is a reason you wanna do that ? well i, myself have thought of doing something like what you’re saying but it is just as you said once a month for me too. Do you have any serious issues or are you just like *me ? i am the guy underneath your post look it up so that you know what i mean by “me”.

      • That sounds surprisingly like me. And yes, I did read your post. =)

        I also have the same reasons, more or less, for not killing myself. Your post is so similar to my life that it almost seemed like I was reading someone who had lived in my mess of a mind for a day… which is weird. Really weird.

        Anyway, it’s nice knowing I’m not the only ‘weirdo’ who completely loses it on a monthly basis.

        • :p it is a relief for me too :) don’t really worry about it ,just stay close to your family and friends they might not be able to help you but just by being with someone will help you (that works for me,, even though i like being on my own :p ) and remember when something goes wrong or even if everything is wrong go outside get a drink and look at the stars :D we are like nothing in the universe so our problems don’t even exist :p find something you like to do and go for it (ps. don’t worry if you do not succeed in anything, ’cause i’ve taken up so many hobbies like guitar or even trying to learn german :p and i just do them in my own paste ) stay strong and sane :) and remember there is always someone that cares :D and sometimes going insane is not bad it might help you understand life better . just keep in mind that you should not be putting others in danger :) (that was actually irrelevant :p ) what i said would be if you are a teen or without a child,, if you have children then you will have to do your best and forget about suicidal thoughts ’cause it’d go right through them and it’d be a difficult life for ’em ,, just find a hobby like watching tv or something and feel good about it :D btw there are way more weirdos than you can imagine i already know a few and it’s just fine to be one :p never lose your smile :D

  197. I didn’t really want to write anything here :/ but since i’m here i guess i need to express what i feel ’cause i’ve started having suicidal thoughts even though i wanna live :/ .Well i have (i could say) a good life, i am close to my family and i have some good friends to hang out, but still i get so depressed with the pain and poverty in the world that i just make my self cry ( i intentionally make myself cry , i just feel like i need it ) and then i say that life is not worth living. I mean who doesn’t like to sleep ? why shouldn’t i get into an eternal sleep ,, easy and cozy :D btw i am an atheist , i am saying that ’cause a lot of people say that it is against religions to suicide well i don’t care about religions and i believe that if someone is in pain, should give an end :/ everyone must be given the right to leave if he/she doesn’t like it “here”. But the truth is that i don’t want to die though :/ i love my family more than my life, i could never cause so much pain to my family ,, it would just tear them apart and i don’t want that :/ … i actually think that i might be bipolar ’cause a lot of times i am happy and then the smallest thing can swing my mood and again i think about the wars and pain and suffer (ex. like the war in syria or that b…. hitler ) why not sleep ? :/ ,,why bother growing up and facing difficult times ? yeah i know that there are good time as well but even when you are happy others are not, others suffer :/ so you can never be happy , always that i laugh i thing of other that suffer and get into depression :/ another thing is that the more i have, the less i like my life :/ well i hope you can get something out of this message , this is just what i have in me and i really wanted to get it out :/ btw i guess i’m in level 1 to 3 (i mean the no. that are in the post) and just a short background of me : i am almost 19 i am a male and i live in south europe (btw andrew is just a made up name) and i am both happy and sad all the time :/ it’d be a relief if i knew that someone has read my message :)

  198. I don’t know what to do. Ive never been suicidal before. I feel really safe saying that when I was younger I was sexually molested, I cant tell anyone I don’t know why. I have become a bad person, desensitized, spiteful, and sexually confused. Its amazing how no one realizes the pain im in. My parents care but, im selfish. I… don’t know im not afraid to die. I just moved and all my friends are gone. Im just starting highschool. Everyone feels so happy, and I stick out like a sore thumb, just completely detached. My art is getting darker. But people cant know I feel this way. Ive seen a therapist, Councilor, don’t matter. All they want to do is put me on meds, im already on meds. You know when your driving through a tunnel and feels like it takes forever. Im stuck. I make everyone around me miserable. Ive asked god. But nothing… Ive lost a considerable amount of faith. Maybe I wont post this. I want people to feel this bad with me. I want someone to hold. I overthink things. Theyre only two things I feel Sadness and regret. maybe this wouldn’t have happened. its funny I see all the horrible things worse than whats happening to me but as much as… no im just a dick. people don’t like me cause im diff. I thought about cutting but my parents will notice. all they’ll do is get angry with me. I want help. pls I need a friend. I never asked for much. im 15 my name is charley, im aging a thousand years a second.

    • I read your post and its basically everything i think everyday my mind never stops i cant stand do it anymore. But im here another day. sadly. anyways you should message me if you want a friend…im ok :P

      • Thx that would-be be cool. Idk… Tbh I seriously doubt tht I’ll live all too long. I’m not being over dramatic either. Looking back I’ve tried to take my life a multitude of times and played it off when I got caught. I can’t get a gf or bf cause I’m really emotionless. Chelsea u got an insta? I sometimes wonder if someday I’ll walk into the street unknowingly. I’m an unorganized weird emo. Worst, I’m losing myself, I cut my hair, I’m ignoring my just made friends, I can no longer control my depression, and I’m using my bed as comfort. My parents get mad cause they think I’m sleeping in. Hope the new year is diff. I might just start writing a life blog to keep my shit together. Thx Chelsea wish there were more ppl like u…

  199. iam between no 8 and 9 on the scale. i have no idea how to stop thinking of suicide or end this suffering. I think instead of hurting others its best that iam gone. I have no desire to live. i cry a lot. i have lost my identity. I dream about inflicting pain on myself and pray God gives me death. MY heart feels as if its bleeding. I hate men. I hate relationships. I donot want to be in any relationship. Iam married and he promised me that relationships isnot painful, but guess we both are naive. Im 25 and i give up. I want to kill myself if it wasnot for my faith, would have done days ago. My husband and i live in different countries and i crave his presence and also love making. i cannot bear it any more. I dont want to hurt him or my family , so i have to kill myself. I just wish someone kills me or i die very very quickly in an accident. All my dreams feel destroyed. its all because of men. Men have brought me ALOT of pain. my dad included. Iam done with them, i am going to i think seperate with my husband. I want him to be happy and live a happy life. He cannot do that with me because we arenot together and my depression and stress is getting more and more severe with passing minutes. I know soon i will be like a dead vegetable, deep in depression, just lying on bed. Iam on prescription of Prozac and Rivotril and STILL iam so depressed… its scary thinking what would i have done if i wasnot on meds right now. I think i owe it to my parents, my husband and myself to end relationship with men. I will devote myself to charity and adopt kids. maybe iam even pregnant. i feel iam. i dont know i think i will abort the baby.

  200. My husband attacked me 3 years ago and for my safety and the safety of out son I took him to court and he was found guilty . He has left me with arrears on the mortgage , and all the utility’s . I do work but one of the utility companies keeps taking me to court I,’ve tried to explain my situation to them but they are not listening. This Christmas was the worst I had no money to buy my son even 1 present, he understood, but I can’t help feeling I’m a total waste of space. No my car has just failed it’s MOT , and it will cost too much to go to work by train. I know people will say that it’s just a car , and I know it is. But this is just the last thing on a long list. Week before Christmas got another CCJ . I’m in constant pain from my knees I’ve been suffering with this since the age of 13 . I go to my doctor and he just gives my pain killers with no explanation as to what is causing the pain and anti depression tablets . I know this is a disjointed ramble but this is how I am a the moment, nothing is working and things are not getting any better. I have no friends and my family are too busy going on holidays and spreading their money to even give me the time of day. I’ve now got no money for the heating and the power will run out soon. I know if I commit suicide my son will be devastated but he is young and he will get over it. I’m a 6/7 on you scale

  201. I am feeling very down now. I quit a job, I moved to NYC from Canada, which in turned I moved to from Brazil.
    I was amazingly unhappy and miserable in Canada, absolutely lonely, and bored and coping with jobs that were boring, the people were super boring and cold, and I had social anxiety that kept me from making friends, plus I hated the cold and how boring Canada was.
    Then when I finally had the guts to move back to Brazil, which was scary, I was dragged back to North America, for a job in NYC, that I imagined would be a thousand times more fun and better and nicer than Canada, but oh boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
    Here loneliness is a 1000 times worse, people are a 1000 times more boring, and closed and reserved and making friends is virtually impossible. Well, I am a big part of the problem too, since I like being alone, I am an introvert, but oddly enough, some times it gets to me and I start to feel lonely and miserable, mainly when things are not going well.
    Now even more, since I quit the job, and now I am really miserable thinking about all the lack of comfort and the poverty I will find when I go back to live in Brazil with my sister and mother.
    My mother is a complete idiot, she is almost illiterate, doesn’t understand things and can’t do anything at all, she’s totally useless. I am gay, and early this year, the idiot came up with the stupidest comment ever. After I said that I was unhappy and miserable living alone in NY, she said, “why don’t you get married?” I am gay for fucks sake, and she should know that, since it’s been almost 40 years that she never saw me with a stupid woman.
    Then, their place is so dirty, and noisy, and messy and both her and my sister are big idiots who live off of beliefs and religious faith, which I hate. I am not a total atheist, am agnostic, but I think beliefs is ignorance.
    Now I am feeling super down, completely lonely, getting older, and to make matters worse, my stupid niece committed suicide 3 weeks ago, which is making me scared I might be headed in the same direction.
    Hopefully not, I don’t want this additional depressing moment (I had countless in my life), to make me spiral down and make me lose the battle, I want to cope as I always did in the past.
    But this time it as a confluence of so many bad things and the same time, and quite frankly, I feel doomed.
    I am a bit hopeless to think that I will probably be lonely and miserable my whole life.
    Plus I keep thinking of how bad I have it in terms of money, since I was born in poverty and after so much fight and struggle, and battles I’m still in poverty, which sucks, because I will go back to a poor and uncomfortable household, to live with my poor and stupid mother, that I kinda hate.
    This year, I spend the whole year with a missing tooth, because my mother didn’t take care of my teeth when I was a child, she was very poor, and now the stupid american dentist botched my dental implant, so I have a hideous implant and tooth. This year was definitely not my year.
    In your scale, I think you should have a “scared to start thinking about suicide, but afraid it might snowball”, type of thing.

  202. I am 20 and I have been dealing with suicide, since I was 15 years old, I have been through so much. I have lost kids because of abuse and I have had family problems, and nothing has gone right for me since. I was put away for suicidal thoughts and self harm. I have been going through treatment since that day, therapist, doctors, hospital visits. nothing seems to be working for me, over the years I have tried to kill myself multiple times and I have failed. It also doesn’t help that I lost my Great Grandfather the same year I was put away, 12-23-10. I cant help but think of him, I miss him, he was my everything, I love him so much and he is not here for me. Some days I lay in bed and cry all day, or I cry in my car, or in the shower. Today I cried for two hours and punched anything I could, I am so angry and hurt, I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I cry because I miss my kids as well, I cry because in such a short time, my life was changed and I don’t even know who I am. I have an addiction, and I cant help but do it, it makes everything better and makes everything disappear. On that scale above I am an 8, everyday I think about ending my life, I have a plan, and I am convinced that I am going to do it soon. I am Bi-polar, I suffer from PTSD, severe Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

  203. So, I stand at a rating of 6 right now. I’ve been up and down that scale my whole life. I have a mental health team, but nobody has called me back in a month. My support system is on strike while they deal with their own important life issues and then all that’s left is my boyfriend, who’s so RELIEVED I’m not manic anymore. I’ve only been depressed a week and I’ve done all the therapies, I take my meds regularly, I’m not drinking or an alcoholic but a bottle of 2 or wine sounds great right now at 8:30am. (I ‘know better’ than to go there).
    I want to make a plan but I’m ‘smarter’ than to start that too. My issue also having BPD is I can be really impulsive, this combined with the insomnia that never went away after the mania ended and the physical exhaustion of the depression, I can’t get out of bed. I’m super angry and hate everything and everyone. Part of me is afraid I don’t need a plan, part of me is glad I have the ability to just wait to dissociate, and become impulsive enough to just do it. The phrase it gets better makes me roll my eyes everytime I read it. It doesn’t. It never has. It’s always up or down, black or white etc. I’ve been to the hospital but because I haven’t “self-harmed” I’m fine. Then again one time I had SH’d and they didn’t take me in and I attempted the next day.

    Anyways, just needed to rant to someone, I don’t expect saving. Peace.

  204. I’m 28 and have to sons a loving fiance, I tried to commit suicide when I was 20, my fiance (friend at the time) saved my life. The thoughts have slowly creep-ed back and I feel I am letting her down and failing my boys. I dont want to feel this way but don’t know what to do…….

  205. I see my comment got removed. This is what is wrong with the world. When you truly vent, or want some kind of help, you get shot down. Shame on this article and its moderators.

  206. I’m a 20 yr old male and I have consistently thought about ending my life. I don’t want to tell anyone not even my girlfriend because I feel ashamed and weak to her. I love my family very much but I just find the pain from fighting with my girlfriend and my job and money and bills too much to handle. I’m a 6 on your scale and I just really want help. I don’t wanna call any hotlines or see anyone because I feel like less of a person and selfish if I was to do it especially to my family and my girlfriend. My girlfriend thinks that she’s not good enough for me and suffers from a massive self conscious problem. I do a lot of nice things for her to help her understand but it never seems enough. I don’t know if I’m the problem but I really feel useless. She wants to leave me because of those thoughts she’s having . And I’m really upset and scared that she will. This has made my decision to end my life a lot stronger and i really don’t know where to get help from.

  207. I’m a 15 year old girl, I live with my parents who hate me i have no friends im about a 5 on the scale but still I dont want to live like this anymore

    • Hello Emily! I’m 15 year old as well and would like to help you, if you want someone to talk to.
      I’ve had depression for few years and I want to help others to feel more useful.
      I could be your friend if you want, and I would be happy to get someone to talk to :)

  208. For all of you who are saying that you wish to end your life and that the world will not miss you; it truley saddens me. I often think that suicide may be the quick and satisfying way to end my existence. However I know that we only have this one life to live and if you have ever had a moment of happiness in your life that it is always there, waiting for you to accept it. We spend so much time dwelling over our sadness that we don’t realize that people actually do care for us and that we can choose to be happy and abstaine from the things that sadden us. Even if you think you do not matter, know that thousands of people just like me who can relate to you care whether you live or die. We struggle with this every day. Please just consider that all we really have is the support and understanding of each other to keep is going and if one gives up that helps to break the bond that we have that binds us together. Everyday people may say that they won’t be missed but they don’t realize the people in thier lives that actually have love for them. What will we leave them to deal with after we are gone? It’s something I think about frequently. Yet, for the ones who have been treated like garbage for all of their lives, who have had no one to show sympathy or cares towards them; I care about your life. You are a person who MATTERS! You are me, you are each person who feels as you do. No matter how awful life may seen or how horrid things may be, we always have the choice if how we will receive them. I will always choos to take these problems head on rather than lie down and be deafeated.

  209. No, sometimes it does not get better. Sometimes it gets worse, much worse. I have lived with MDD and suicidal ideation since I was 4 yrs old. I attempted electrocuting myself at 5 by wetting my hands and rubbing them on electrical sockets because I saw a film where a child died that way. I do not have s happy period in my life…even my best days carried the crushing weight of ssdness and worthlessness.

    My one and only serious relationship finally ended after 10 yrs when he could bear my depression and suicide attempts no longer. He is a normal healthy person who cannot relate to a desire to die. He too thought it must get better….the right meds, or doctors, fitness plan, love. Well the mental health profession is s joke. It is not intended to treat the severely lifelong depressives like myself. I have been locked away in state hospitals, forced meds of all sorts, and TMS “therapy” which fucked my memory and caused me to lose my job. I have no insurance and qualify for no public assistance. I found another menial job which serves one purpose…. To allow me to save up enough money to carry out my final suicide plan.

    Thinking of my plan is the only thing that pulls me out of a depressive state. I crave the relief, the end to this, nothingness.
    I have no family and no close friends. My cat passed away this summer. I will not be missed.

  210. I’m a 15 year old girl and have been feeling depressed and suicidal for a while now. I would say I’m about a 7 on your scale and I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I tried telling my friend about how I was feeling but she sort of brushed it off. I’m so done with life and I constantly think about dying. I have a wonderful dad but my mom left me when I was very young and that has had many negative effects on my life. If she didn’t want me then why would anyone else ? I can’t tell my dad about how I’m feeling because he wouldn’t understand. I’m so tired of feeling this way and the only solution I can think of is dying. I have even gone to the length of planning everything out and that scares me. This is not how my life was suppose to go. I just want to cry and scream all the time. Im so scared , lonely and confused. Please help.

  211. Well, it looks like I’m a seven. Sadly, I have a source to my depression caused suicidal thoughts. I live with a mother who emotionally abuses me and a father who told me it was my own problem and that I had to deal wi it by myself.
    Heheh, I find the music that I’m listening to as I type this ironic.

  212. I feel as if there is nothing wrong with a person who would like to commit suicide.
    You have no choice of being born into the world, however you can choose what you want in your life and attempt to achieve your goals, and YOU SHOULD also have a right to choose when you would like to die.
    Why is death a controversial topic in America. At the end of your life your spirit will rest peacefully outside of your body. It makes perfect sense that medical insurance should allow for the right for people to decide when they would like to end their life. Everyone has personal traumatic life events, and some may wish to simply rest, so why would suicide be shameful??

  213. I CANT tell any counselor or therapist I have seen!!! Even mention suicidal and their answer is to hospitalize you! It doesn’t matter if I actually have a plan to go through or NOT!

  214. Some of us just fall through the cracks and there really is nothing to be done. I have been to years of therapy and even worked as a mental health care provider. But a recent car accident, my fault, leaves me without transportation and therefore without a job. I am a financial burden to my family and am holding them back. Yes my death would cause them pain , but they are well and they will have ample help and support to move on without me that they cannot get with me here. That is just the pragmatic reality. In some areas help for those that are somewhat capable, and yet still impoverished just doesn’t exist. I only write as a reminder that sometimes it won’t get better, all stories don’t have a happy ending.

  215. I am an 8 on your chart, I know the only reason I have not ended it yet is because of my dog, I have had her for 10 years and the thoughts of were she would end up if something were to happen too me has prevented me from ending it. I live in hope that my situation may change in that time but have resigned myself to the fact that when she goes I will follow.

  216. I have been suicidal since I was 3 I have Depression and PTSD I have been verbally and mentally abused by my dad for years I have attempted suicide 26 times but people catch me before I follow through I have also been possibly been raped I have woke up with bruises on my breast and my groin I know I shouldn’t be suicidal but my mom has and sometimes is still my health is not good but I’m better then I have been! I also have done self harm since I was 8 but it got really bad last year I’m only 15 and have been craving pain I’m done with this life of mine but I’ll hold on for my mom and baby sister ! But all I want to do is strangle myself I’m sorry I just need to vent and have no one and can’t contact anywhere for help with out my mom finding out she does not know I’m suicidal only my boyfriend and best friend have saw me attempting suicide! Will this pain ever end???? Stay Strong For those of us that can’t :(

  217. So many of the comments are from people who have a REASON to feel depressed. Their environment or situation or events cause their thoughts of suicide. It’s not like that for me. My depression is for no reason. I was helping my son with his homework and I get so impatient, then blow up, and the only thing that I think about is how to die, or how badly I want to hurt myself….all because I don’t like how my kid answered me when I asked him a question.

  218. hi, I’m a 14 1/2 teenage girl. Recently I have been easily upset, unhappy, and the things I used to enjoy are not fun anymore. I just feel useless, hopeless and forgotten. A lot of relationships in my life have ended, my best friend of 13 years just lost interest in me. I feel forgotten. I have thought about suicide before but recently it has become frequent, I have planned and figured out what I am going to do. I go to bed in tears every night thinking about it. Only my 3 closet friends know, I don’t want my parents to find out because I know they will be disappointed which will only make me feel worse. I want help, I just don’t know what to do. I feel depressed, I have taken many only quizzes about determining if you have depression and everyone says severe depression and to get help. I need help I just don’t know what to do? that’s why I need your help.

    • Hey, Kelly. I’m 17. I have been where you are now (I’d even started physically harming myself). In a way, I get what you’re saying. Although most people say that it’s good to speak out, I never really told anyone (I was fearing the very same disappointment). Luckily for you, you still have 3 close friends who care about you enough to listen to your troubles and still choose to be your friends (I’ve never really had friends, ever). I still can’t pinpoint exactly what caused me to start feeling that way -for now, I’m blaming teen hormones ;)… So here’s what I did: I started listening to romantic music, instead of reading up on how to commit suicide, I started reading romance novels. Now here’s my little big secret: from those books I picked out a hero. In my mind he has his own world and one day I hope to be a part of it because my hero might exist in real life but I just don’t know it yet. I know this doesn’t wholly solve the problem of depression but it gave me something to look forward to, knowing that my hero thinks the world of me even with my troubles. I do hope that you feel better soon.

      If all else fails, you can always give suicide anonymous a call. P.S. Can I be friend no. 4?

      • you are more than welcome to be friend number 4. thank you your story has really helped. I’ll try what you sujested and I will get help if it becomes to much for me to handle. I have recently gain a new guy bestfriend that has attemped to hurt himself and he has really helped me and I am able to help him. thank you so much. ilysm

  219. I’m between an 6-7. I suffer from Bipolar II, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and schizophrenia. My bipolar is rapid cycling, so over the past 6 months I’ve cycled through 3 depressive episodes and 2 hypomanic episodes and two psychotic episodes. I’ve had them since I was 11, when the bullying got even more chronic and worsening, causing CPTSD which my psychiatrist says stemmed the bipolar and schizophrenia. I had a genetic risk for a mood disorder but because I display nearly all schizophrenic symptoms they also diagnosed that.
    I recently came to a crash after my hypomania, and have been stuck in an apathetic, unmotivated, and disoriented state of mind. I have a therapist appointment on Saturday, should I bring this up? I lost all pleasure in life and aren’t motivated to live anymore.

    • Yes. Bring it up. Tell your therapist what you are thinking about. They can help return the please to your life.

      Signed – someone who scores at a similar level, but empathizes with the fear of letting other people know.

  220. I’m 16 my parents fight everyday allday I’m tired of it. Sick of it. Every time they fight i cry. I don’t want to commit suicide every time but its getting more frequent. And sometimes i think what’ll if i commit suicide and tell them. When there out so they will come back and find me not awake but like sleeping. I wonder if that would stop them from fighting and actually realise what there doing to me and my brother he’s older but still. If they do still keep fighting i plan on moving away when i finish school. To the Bahamas or Hollywood somewhere nice

  221. Hi ,

    I am 36 years old and I think I am on 7 on your list. I lost my mother in a tragic incident when I was 6 in which I survived. Our house keeper poisoned us, even my 2 year old baby sister’s milk bottle, who was fortunately a sleep. The problem is I can never forget it even after all these years. My life is filled with strange tragic events which has made me doubt every thing I do. My father remarried and few years ago even my step mom tried to commit suicide. My grandma who looked after me when I was young died in my arms, my one year old nephew was attacked by our dog right in front of me and I couldn’t do any thing and to make things worse My father who was the kindest person I every knew recently passed away in a freakish car accident. Since my child hood I’d never been interested in any thing or anyone… some times even at that young age I thought of dying. Even now after so many years I still am not interested in life, living, relationships. I’ve never ever even had a girl friend and I even quit my job. Every thing seems so pointless. I even have began to plan how I should die… which actually led me to this site. Several times I’ve considered getting professional help but never actually got to it. I also feel so damn angry all the time. I’ve tried to have some meaning to my life by helping others through donating blood if and when I can, cause I’ve got a rare type.. but still it seems so pointless… this life…

    • Hi Dushantha,

      Thank you for reaching out here. I’m not a doctor but what I suspect you may be suffering from is a form of mental illness called posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is very normal to suffer that type of illness when something traumatic happens to you – especially when you’re young at the time. Perhaps you haven’t been able to move past that event because of PTSD? (Anger, by the way, is very common in PTSD.)

      The good news is that PTSD is extremely treatable but you have to get help to make it better. Read more about it here:

      Of course, I could be wrong about that but even if I am, a professional can still help. See your doctor or a psychotherapist to get a professional assessment and see what can be done. There is no reason you should have to live like this. You deserve better.

      – Natasha Tracy

  222. I’m an eight on the scale. I’ve only ever told one person about how I truly feel and I would never dream of telling my family because they would treat me differently. I’m almost 16 now, but since I was thirteen I began to think about how I would kill myself and how others would react to my death; I definitely want to die before I’m 20 (round about that age) and I’ve wanted to do drugs for a while too. Suicide is constantly on my mind, I’m normally thinking about how I’ll commit while listening to music. It has began to get in the way because I have a strong feeling I’ll die at a young age so what’s the point in trying at school anymore? My parents are mad because my grades are dropping and because I don’t really care about anything anymore. I don’t see the point to living to an old age and working towards everything when you’re just gonna die at the end. Why bother?
    I hate it when family members (when someone gets married or has a baby) says to me ‘that’ll be you soon’ it’s fucking annoying because I don’t want to live to see it. It would be more relevant if they said it at a funeral. I constantly think about how people would react to my death and how long it would take them to get over it, I feel particularly bad for my parents and my best friend because I would imagine them being hurt the most by it. But it doesn’t stop me from being determined to kill myself in the future.
    I don’t know whether I should tell anyone about how I feel, because it’s just gonna create more problems for myself.

    • Hi Dark Angel,

      I’m very sorry to hear you are hurting so much right now. Please understand that what you’re describing is likely a mental illness, and not you. You absolutely don’t have to live that way. You don’t have to feel that way. You don’t have to care about nothing. You don’t have to die at a young age. When I was your age I felt the same way but I’ve done so much that was worth living for since then – including get better.

      The person you need to tell is a professional. They are the ones that are going to be most able to help you through this. I know it may sound hard to talk to someone like that but they want to know and they can help make it better.

      If you feel like you can’t do that, then reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are trained to listen to situations like yours and sometimes just talking about it can make a person feel better. Call 1-800-273-TALK and visit them here:

      You have the power to change your circumstance. I’m not saying it will be easy but it will be worth it.

      – Natasha Tracy

  223. Im a 7 on this scale, ima 26 yr old male, been depressed and or biopolar since about 12. Heres what has driven me to suicide over the years. As far as I can remember I started depressing when mum got dementia when I was about 10, that was hard bcoz it wasnt like a death where it hits u at once but its like watching a loved one die day by day. Ive always had a problem concentrating on anything and I feel awkward when having a conversation with people. I started smoking pot but have given up for a few years now but I have developed a minor meth addiction. I probably smoke meth 10 times a year. I have never had a connection with any family member and I have never been able to keep a steady job because of my condition and the worst thing is my family drilling me everyday to go back to work and yelling at me and telling me theres nothing wrong and im just lazy, oh how I wish that was just the case. How the hell can anyone work if they feel like this. In the past 6 weeks I have spent approx 22 hours of each day in bed. I feel so down that im almost certain there is no way back up. I feel like im letting down my fiance and Im positive ive only kept myself alive for her sake but at the same time whats the point of living? If any1 out there feels like I do they will understand that this is not a life….

  224. Hello, i dont know what to do. Im on 7-8 on your scale. Im 15, and the suicidal thought came around when i was 10-11 due to seeing a family member die. I just came out from a familytherapy hospital, i was there for 2 months.
    It helped when i was there, i feel like im A little bit stronger. God, im so tired. I dont know why im writing this. Sorry. Next years im going to a school where i have to live in. I have planed it, so i can take my own life there. So i have Asked my mom to help me to get in to the school. And i think we do get in, beacuse of my doctors and stuff will help me to.

    • Hi Snow,

      I know when I was 15 I was often very high on this scale too. I came from a home with a lot of problems and I was manifesting a mental illness.

      But it gets better. I know that it might not feel like it right now, but it does. Sometimes it takes a long time, but it does.

      I understand being tired. I have written about that very thing. It feels like the weight of the universe is on our backs and we can never put it down. It would make anyone tired.

      It sounds like you are still contemplating suicide – considering it both yes and no. This is okay. Many of us have thought of suicide. But there are better options, I promise.

      If you felt better in the hospital, maybe you could figure out why. Was it the medical help? Was it counselling? Was it art therapy? Was it feeling safe? What was it, exactly, and how can you put that into your life in the long-term?

      It’s great that you’re feeling a bit stronger. Maybe that means it’s time to see a new doctor, or therapist, or trust a friend with what’s going on for you. These are all things that might be able to make that tiredness a bit better, even for a moment.

      In short, thank you for reaching out here and I encourage you to reach out to others as well. There are always alternatives to suicide and there are always alternatives to living a life of pain.

      – Natasha Tracy

  225. I cannot believe YOU said people who commit suicide don’t really want to die.
    Why can’t people respect their choice… it’s not all about you and everybody else.

    When they live through the really bad side of Bipolar Disorder then they should have a voice. Otherwise shut up..There are not the ones living with this horrible illness.

    It’s’ their choice NOT YOURS! (WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?)

    Ego and control. Be honest – think about it. The people crying are saying what a waste. Just ask them where they living in the desperation of darkness in the pit with at that person?? Everyday day 24 hours and day ..You’ll find the answer to that question will be NO.

    Death is a welcome friend.

    Take some time and really thing about it and the other side. I hope you see how selfish they are being. Any person suffering should have the right to choose… it’s their life and they should be able to decided what they want. Don’t underestimate them they are smart enough to make their own decision and I will ALWAYS support and respect that.
    How they got to that decision is simply… because they accepted their choice, Finally relieved and happy because it’s done. Go celebrate and reflect on the fact it’s okay they are free now. They reached out to the sunny rainbow how beautiful is that?? . In their life it’s a way to get relief from the dark ugly desperate side of Bipolar Depression

    People always say it’s wrong…. people with the Big Egos saying what’s right for them.. Hear the word “THEM” They think they know it all. If they really cared about that person they would want that person out the dark, nightmare dungeon. Everyday has there 2 cents.. It’s all about them and their own beliefs.

    Selfishly they refuse to be happy for that person who died because they lost control and didn’t win. That’s makes me sick!! Selfish people with who want to push their beliefs for their own again agenda. Are they guilty of something??

    Only people that have never faced it could make such an ignorant statement. Those are the facts!!

    • Thank you Laurie.

      I have very similar feelings on the matter and no one seems to understand. I’ve been feeling like I’ve just been living to keep other people happy for a long long time, and the conversations I have with close friends always make me feel worse because they don’t get this. I am glad that they can’t relate, and I don’t want them to ever know what living this way is like, but it’s very frustrating when everyone around you is just saying “It’ll get better, any day now” or “you can’t just give up.” I’ve been removing people from my life more and more rapidly, and eventually I’ll have been separated from everyone enough to where it won’t be a big deal when I am gone. I just wish I knew someone that could be happy for me for finally taking control and doing something for myself. I am glad you understand.

  226. @doesnt ,atter – Hey I just read your post and it sort of hit home for me. Myself like most people here have a type of bipolar, i am bipolar 1 with Schizoaffective disorder. I’m about a 7 on Tracys scale. I too have tried to OD on pills too and was pissed off with myself when I woke up in the hospital the next day. That was the first time I was put in 5150. I tried 3 more times in the last 4 months. But now that I’m on medication again it’s a lot better. Ya I hate the side effect too, the catatonic like state of just staring at a wall for hours on end. If you can’t afford to see a doctor or pay for medication then why don’t you apply for government assistance like medicaid, or medi-cal if you live in California like me, even if you’re underaged you can still receive it. But if there’s one thing that I learned was there are people out there that want to help you to stop having those thoughts. I like to consider myself one of those people and yes it does get better. I know it sounds likes a cliché but it’s true of course you have to put in your own effort to get better as well. I never thought I would get anything done in my life but years later I finished college and have my degree . If you need any support or just want someone to vent to then I’m here for you just like I’m sure you can vent to anyone else on here. Anyhow I hope you reach out to someone to a trusted friend and those thoughts stop.

  227. i dont know why i’m posting this.i guess i need to vent.i wont go into personal stuff i’m uncomfortable with that.but i am suicidal.i think i’m too chickenshit though to actually go through with it.i’ve tried in the past with pills.obviously that pissed me off bcuz i coulnd’t even do that right.i know i need to get back on my meds but i hate the side effects.i dont have money for a dr anyhow.then it takes so dam long for the meds to even start’s all a bunch of fucked up’re damned if you do &damned if you dont.idk what to do would be perfect if i could just fall asleep & not wake up.thats the kinda death i want-painless.nothing messy. i worry for the ppl that have to clean up after a messy suicide. i woulnd’t want my loved ones to see it. it’s gonna get better right??? cuz i’m really getting has to get just has to…

  228. I am 22 years old and I have been depressed/suicidial for a vast majority of my life. Beginning from the age of 12 on I have been experiencing anxiety, loneliness, and depression. My persistent thoughts of being a worthless loser invades my mind everyday. Although I am a senior in college, I do not feel complete or whole. I feel empty and sad. I am at my breaking point at this moment since I believe that my goals are slowly fading and becoming unattainable. With this realization, I have become progressively suicidal over the course of the past month. By reading the above article, I have concluded that I am a 8. I can’t do this anymore. My passion to live is slowly losing momentum.

    • Dear Danielle, and others who have found their way to this site,

      Collectively, we are in pain, and collectively, it is important to know we are not alone. There are ways of climbing out of deep depression, beginning with the peace of mind, no matter what is happening in our external world, that is ours, internally.

      There is nothing that guarantees that taking our life will bring us to a new place free of the pain we feel now. I find that each time I’m about to travel suicide alley again, something tells me that perhaps I tried or did that in another lifetime, and this time, I am here to persevere, in spite of the gnawing, brutal pain, to see this through until my natural death. We all die, sooner or later. The blessing is, according to an ancient Chinese proverb, to die a happy death, knowing you have done a good job at life, and have completed all you have been put here to do.

      Life is truly precious. When we are looking at it through dark glasses, to say anything about living is precious seems antagonistic, yet, to take a walk in nature, listen to the birds, observe the fresh petals of a flower, follow the flight of a butterfly, then we realize that the same force that has breathed life into their presence is the same force keeping our hearts beating. Together.

      Honor yourself. One thing I can guarantee is that from early childhood, we suffered abuse, lack of love, and poor parenting. Our parents did the best they could. Can you imagine what was done to them?

      There is a time to forgive, but for now what is important is to know how to heal, and that means to find whatever it takes to bring joy to the given moment, here and now.

      Here are a few things that help me when I’m plummeting into the deep, dark hole of despair, to feel my heart beat, and to look in the mirror and say to myself, “I really do love you.” Remember that child within. Don’t you deserve to have all your dreams come true? Persevere. As someone once said, brave the battle of life with strength unchained.

      Lots of love to you.

      Gifts from the Universe:
      “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle*
      “You Can Heal Your Life,” Louise Hay*
      “The Language of Letting Go,” Melody Beattie
      “What About Bob?” – film with Richard Dreyfuss and Bill Murray (very good astrology)

      *on youtube and book form

  229. I’m soooo scared I’m an 8 on your scale I’m in my early teens… I’ve been suicidal for 4 years my family my freinds everyone brings me down I’ve started abusing drugs achole and self harming I’m going through a major panic attach it’s lasted 4 days strate I see my therapist in two days idk if I will make it I have an hour by myself I don’t know if I can controls myself I’m just listening to music the last thing and most important thing I’m holding onto!! No one knows about this….anymore my parents found some cuts a few mounts ago they thing I’m an attention whore and they sent me to a cousaler they think it’s all the sudden they don’t know that all the trips to the dr for anorexia was part of it that it’s been going on forever I just got back into public school(I was homeschooled)and I made freinds with the sort of outcasts but there all stoners and kind of mean I’ve always been a lotner prob cause at one time for 6 months I didn’t Relly see my family at all but Sunday and for them to eat and go to bed afterwards they think that did no damage to me!!! They don’t see any of it and these so called peers say commites about my hair my mom said wanting to die my hair was hiddious and my sister called me frankenstine and said because I don’t talk that much that I don’t give a sh*t when I told my parents they said I was being mean!! No one no’s I’m suffering they don’t know I self harm anymore that don’t know any of it I’m dyeing inside!!please help me!! I’m so alone I’ll never get out of it not even when I’m dead

  230. I’ve been alone all my life and been suicidal most of that time. I am between an 8 and a 9 on your scale. It has become a constant struggle to simply get through a day. I am single and chose to adopt a child because I wanted to try to help in some way and I love children. Now my child is a teen and rejecting me. My job is filled with younger folk who think of me as nothing (I’m in my 50s and just earned my second master’s degree so I am not stale). I’ve never been able to please anyone no matter how hard I’ve tried. I live in the shadows and try to paste a smile on for others when I’m with someone else. As much as I’d like to do it now, I have to wait until my child is 18 (5 years) and then I do believe I’ll say goodbye. It’s strange how numb I feel about it all. Some of you say it gets better but, after 50+ years, it hasn’t. I’d love to know your secret. I just don’t have much more energy to keep up the facade.

  231. I’ve been suicidal for most of the last twenty two years (I’ll be twenty nine at the end of this year) and been researching the subject for several months. The first time I knew I wanted to die I was six. Whether it’s emotional, clinical depression or actually logic based is something I’ve never been able to figure out. Truthfully, it feels logic based, I tire of going through the monotony of daily living. Wake up, breathe, eat, sleep, repeat. One can fill ones life with all the variety the earth has to offer and experience only temporary satisfaction. One can experience the greatest feeling possible in connecting with and loving another person and then experience the worst feeling possible when betrayed and lied to by that same person. The universe is a spectacular place abundantly rife with beautiful form and function, from the chaotic bubbling cauldron on the surface of a star and the precision of necleosynthesis at its core, to the perfectly defined and exact motion of the atoms in your DNA to produce laser light, the myriad of emotional content produced by nueropeptides, the gloriously ordered display of a rainbow born from a haphazard spray of random wavelengths of light, the electrically charged feeling of kissing someone for the first time, the depths of depression knowable when love is lost… I have a deep, profound appreciation for physical reality and what it’s capable of. My disdain comes from living. I do not want to participate. The sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, jealousy and hate that I feel is typically unwarranted and attempting to decipher why I feel the ways I do has become tedious and tiresome. I only stay here to spare my loved ones the pain of separation, or on some days purely out of curiosity. For instance, my most recent excuse for not leaving yet is as follows: the New Horizon satellite will arrive at Pluto next year about this time and to see the pictures and data will be, well, divinely revealing. For me, akin to seeing a long-time crush naked for the first time. But I am tired, and using excuses is getting worn. I don’t imagine my desire to spare my family and dwindling few friends will remain steadfast for very long. And of course, I can’t help but wonder if it’s more selfish for them to want me to stay or for me to want to leave. Unanswerable. In any event, this is not a choice I’ve made hastily or without forethought. This is not a conclusion I’ve come to based on any fleeting emotion. Death is what I want. At least, I don’t want to be here any more. There are so many theories about what waits on the other side of the curtain of death. It is slightly unnerving, but simultaneously very exciting. The last great adventure. As previously stated, I’m planning on leaving after about another year, but I’ve no idea what the future holds and if I find a motivation to stay I won’t deny myself an extended pause to consider what I’m potentially abandoning.No one act or single event will drive me to suicide: this is something I have always known was coming and have been preparing myself for since I first realized what these thoughts and emotions meant. Death by my own hand. I love the universe for what it is, but I don’t need to be here for it to continue functioning. Life will go on, and when there’s no more life the universe will hardly notice. I have served my purpose. Simply having come to this little planet and exchanging energy is the only responsibility any of us takes on upon arrival here. So go forth into the world and see all of its splendor. When you do decide to take that final step into uncharted territory go without regret or fear. Nothingness gave form to the reality we live in, and in time all things will return to nothingness. Don’t be afraid, embrace death and darkness, your true grandmother, the mother of reality, and go lovingly with her. This is not an attempt to encourage or drive anyone to suicide, nor is it an attempt to stop anyone. I simply mean to promote foresight for those considering suicide, and insight into the mind of the suicidal for those of you who have lost someone like me. And, my last hope, to dispel the fear associated with all of this: God isn’t judging anyone. We are God. The God I serve, granted it’s not just a hallucination, is simply the force of nature that gave rise to all things. The potential that allows existence to be. The only rules God has given us are the laws of physics along with brains so we could figure things out by ourselves. One can not blaspheme. It is impossible. I’m very interested to see what kind of response this open letter receives. May you all find peace and camaraderie, more so than me.

    • This is one of the most insightful things I have read… It beautifully summarizes everything I’ve been feeling over the past few years that I’ve never known how to put into words. Thank you for making me feel not so alone.

    • I feel as though you wrote this from my thoughts, I am in the exact same emotional place as you. For the last 15 years I have felt suicidal nearly every week, if not every day. And the love and loss of friends and girlfriends had only made it get progressively worse. I feel as if nothing I do has any purpose, and living had become a chore. Even the last two years withy now ex girlfriend, as happy as I was to be with her I still felt like taking my life. And my poor emotional state is what eventually drove her away from me. After we agreed to take a break and before she even moved out I tried to take my life. I got a hair cut, had a drink, put on my most expensive suit, and sat in my car for 30 minutes before I decided to start it inside the garage. Unfortunately i couldn’t get it to start, so I went outside and decide to drive my truck around town and think about life. I was even tempted to drive my truck off the bridge into the river, before I got a phone call from a friend asking if I wanted to go for dinner. Now here I am out of town at work, waiting to go hole so I can try to take my life again. Even though i may work things out with my ex, I no longer feel joy in anything I do. The worst thing was when I decided to tell her all she could do was make me feel guilt about how I felt, “didn’t you think what that would have done to me coming home to that?” “What about your parents” “why are you being so selfish”. As if I had a choice. I honestly would like to feel better, or “normal” but nothing works, nothing changes. And I just tell my ex I’m okay now and that I don’t feel this way anymore because I don’t want to seem like I am doing this to gain attention, because I’m not, everytime I have made an attempt on my life I haven’t told a single person about it, something has just always not worked. I am to afraid to cut myself, but every times I’ve overdosed somebody found me and gotten me to a hospital I was even was successful in taking my life once only to be resuscitated by a friend who had decided to stopby to grab winter tires that were in my basement. I just want this sinking pain in my heart and weight on my chest to disappear. I just want to be free from the shackles of this world, me nothing in it works as a substitute or distraction anymore. I feel burnt out and empty, as if each passing day adds more weight and drains what little power I have left. Everytime I go to sleep I pray I won’t wake up, I pray that I can stay in my dreams, my dreams which are the only place I feel safe. My dreams are the only thing I look forward to, I hate waking up, and I count the minutes to when I can go back to sleep. To enter my own world where their is no pain, no suffering, no emotion. Just beauty and peace. How I long to sleep, for the never ending sleep of death… But here I am, pouring out what’s left of me into these lifeless words which may never be read. I guess I have to wait for my time because even when I try to take my own life something prevents it. One day I’ll be free

    • Hello,
      I was writing a essay about depression and I don’t know how I ended in this blog. Maybe God brought me here to read your testimonial. You are suffering of a major mood disorder and it is called major depression. I can write about my life and believe me it is not pretty. I suffer the death of my mother when I was 14 years old, my father abandoned me and my little sister, I was abused, I was neglected, I had nothing absolutely nothing to live for. But the only one who was there and I didn’t know was God, He saved me from commit a suicide, you just have to talk with God, go and bend your knees, and talk with Him, ask for help and He will help you, ask for forgiveness and forgive. You are not alone, you can not rely on people, people come and go from our life but God is always here, unchangeable, the beginning and the end.
      It is not wrong to be depressed. But it is wrong—and not especially helpful in overcoming a depressed state—to give up on God when we are depressed. “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 43:5).

      • I’m very glad that religion saved you- but please don’t push your religion on others. I’ve been an atheist since my cousin was raped and killed and I was beaten half to death. I’m blind from brain trauma, my parents are emotionally abusive, I have dissociative identity disorder, chronic depression, and I’m a bully magnet. Although I am very grateful for your advice, I think I’ll find a different way to deal with my issues.

        • Forgot a word. Partially blind. I can’t see out of my left eye, and I’ve lost peripheral vision from my right eye.

    • The wonders of the universe! If it weren’t for them… Always something new; but it never really feels the emptiness.

  232. I like your scale, I would say that I am currently at 9.

    I am 29 I live in Scotland, I do not get to see my kids anymore and it has been gradually making me more angry and depressed.

    I either kill myself now or I will snap and hurt the people who wronged me first.

    I have alienated myself from everyone so that it is easier for them to take. If im not a close friend they will not care

  233. I am sixty five with all my degrees in metalwork and jewelry and no one wants my work. I have no income coming in, I taught for 28 years but can’t find a job because of my age. People do discriminate against seniors in every way. I’ve tapped out everyone close to me for money, tried disability and was denied, and not getting enough social security because I haven’t been able to work full time over my life due to narcolepsy. I have no where to turn but to end my life. I take anti-depressants but this can’t bring me money to live on. I feel more like this is the practical solution for someone my age who has no where to turn. I have tried EVERYTHING. Time to give up

    • Sandra-
      Do you have any of your metalwork posted online for sale? I love hand crafted jewelry & would love to see what you make.

  234. I just recently started following you on Twitter and circuitously found my way from a tweet to this page. I found the chart very helpful. For the last couple of years at least, I have hovered around a 6 and was up to 10 with a suicide attempt in March. Thankfully, now I’m seeing a good counselor after a not-so-great experience with another one, and I’ve been on meds now since March — Sertraline and , recently, Bupropion as well. So far, the meds don’t seem to be doing any good. You and others have helped me to better understand what I’m going through.

  235. Why leave a letter? The have never listened anyway. Why plan, organize and put in order, who cares ? When I go, I go. Period. I’ve been through it all, counselors, meds, books, etcetera.

    I may not be alone in the sense of the human race, but as an individual, I am alone.

  236. Am I alone in any of these stages as a human being, no. Am I alone as the individual I am? Yes
    I’ve been a 7-10; as to the letter, why? I’ve said it all, they won’t or don’t listen so why should I leave a letter? When I go, I’ll go; no organizing or planning or the putting into order ( for what reason?); when the time comes; I’ll go. I’ve heard the selfishness of it, the being of worth, but for all I’ve tried, including counseling, I’m not of worth. Will I be missed? Yes; like anything occupying space would. But I won’t be mourned. Natural death or otherwise.

    I’m 60; my advice to the younger; don’t do it. Wait until life has left you no where else. You will go through many lives in one life, so wait before deciding; you have time .

  237. I do continually love this Suicide Assessment Scale you conjured so long ago. Each time I feel suicidal, as I do now, I try and re-pull it up. Would love for it to be the “standard” scale used by medical/therapeutic practitioners… it’s so much more realistic.

    I am, at this moment, between 8 and 9. The will is there, the want is there and well.. yesterday, in my mind, I started “writing” out the letter.

    The waves of pain that come when I try to battle the strong impulse and want… so much pain that I can barely breathe much less think. It’s all there.. action plan and commitment to act on the plan… it’s just something within that just keeps battling to not give in.

    That “wait 24 hours” has come down to “get through the next 15 minutes”… each 15 minute interval and you know what? I’ll put on my big girl panties and hitch up my pants and likely drive into work into a dead job, this morning… all the while wanting to die but wanting to live, as well.

  238. I score highest on your list. I’ve thought about suicide for a long time. I’ve had a number of things that have depressed me I don’t need to go into. I’ve been so depressed I’ve been disabled for over ten years, and though I’m still seeing a psychiatrist for medication and to keep my disability status, they haven’t helped me. No one has cared enough, no one knows how I really feel or gives me a second thought when I’m out of sight. I’m worthless, hopeless and I’m turning 60 tomorrow. I’ve been looking for legal advice as it relates to suicide but can’t find any. I’m totally alone, ineffective and insignificant. I can’t do anything right.

    • I am so sorry you feel like this. I also struggle with severe depression. I know it feels hopeless, and I know how tough it is to feel alone and insignificant. However, please know that you are not insignificant. If you were, then how could your words have stood out to me so much and brought me to tears? We may not know each othe personally, but I believe we are all interconnected spiritually. Those of us struggling with suicidal urges are a family in a sense. We can’t say no one understands us because all of us in this struggle are one with you. We are one with the survivors. They relate to us and feel for us even after having passed through the darkness. We are connected and significant to each other. We can help others like us by acting in kindness and support to those like us on sites like these.These acts of kindness give us our significance. You, Mr doe, matter to me and your words matter to me. I even went through a confusing process to sign up on tjis site solely to respond to your words.there are good peopleout here who hear you. Please let that motivate you to see your value. Dont let yourmind trick you into thinking otheotherwise. Ok? My prayers and thoughts are with you. Sending love your way! -gillian

  239. Why am I broken this bipolar is crap I self medicated for years grog and weed only lost my wife family and dont see much point in fighting anymore ive been off everything and its worse for while it was ok but when I see my exwife and kids I dont think I can fight this ive written the letters and dont see much point ive been admitted several times ive been to rehab ive even been to church ive talked but the darkness never leaves and if tommorow is the same im outa here got my spot got my life insurance sorted so my kids wont need for anything im scared but the pain is worse than scared and I think ive searched the web spoke to everyone taken my meds and I still think its time to cut my losses no more pain for me or my family so just thought I would try one last vent not sure of why

  240. I spent August 15-25 in a psychiatric facility for what my doctor’s listed as suicidal and homicidal tendencies. I was very hesitant going in but it was the best decision of my life. For years I have battled suicidal thoughts and hated myself. I didnt understand my mind and how it interacted with the world.
    Yes, being admitted is scary and degrading but it is worth it if it saves your life. I will never forget my experience and everything I learned. My diagnosis is complex and in limbo between the psychiatrist and psychologist but a form of Bipolar is part with suspected BPD. I will overcome…
    Please get help.

  241. I’m 18 years old and I find peace with thoughts of suicide. I don’t know when the thoughts started happening but feels like forever and I have them multiple times a day, everyday. Have looked into ways of doing it and ran senareos repeatedly in my head. I find life to be complete bull**** and I see no point in going through each day having to go through more and more hard times. I get to where I don’t do anything but sit alone, sleep days on in, or stay up for days on in. I use to have a great work ethic and wanted to do nothing but work but now I see no point in looking for a job, im gonna struggle with or without it. I’m a drug user. I’ll do just about any drug put infront of me without hesitation except needles. My favorite drug is Meth. I feel happy when I do it, I feel complete, I feel confident and comfortable with myself. I don’t use this drug often because I know how much I like it. I’m a user not an addict. Ive been thinking that these thoughts aren’t that bad but then I find myself on sites like this and next thing Iknow im typing and telling ccomplete strangers about this and I haven’t told anyone about it. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I dont want tox scare or hurt anyone, cause odds are I wont do it, but then again I might. Usually I’m the one peopletalk to about their problems, I’ll let people vent to me in whatever manner they need if it means they need someone to scream at to make them feel better. I have one person I can tell everything to and Ihavent told her about wanting to die. Im afraid to. Shes one of the main reasons I havent done it. She comes from a rough past and has had people in and out of her life and I promised her I’d always be there for her and I’ll never leave. I want to keep that promise but what if I hit a breaking point where ive had enough? Sure it wont matter to me cause id be dead but that would destroy her and I haven’t mentioned I’m the oldest of 6. I feel forced to be here out of not wanting to make my 5 younger brothers live through life with the thought of my suicide eating at them. And to top it off my dad has been in ICU the past 2 weeks getting over ammonia. And in the time hes been there he lost his business, my mom lost her job a few weeks prior so theres all these mouths two houses to try and pay for, my trucks transmission went out so I cant get a job if I tried.. I wish I could turn it off and nobody
    Know. I dont know what I should do. Part of me says I should go see a professional, but I dont think talking to someone who just sees me a paycheck that I cant afford… it would be so much easier if I just turned the lights off. Sometimes when im feeling down I’ll start thinking about it and I’ll actually feel a little better. Its kinda peace at mind knowing I go through life because I choose to, but at the same time it worries me. The thoughts have greatly increased since it started so does that mean it’s gonna keep getting worsr? When I first looked stuff on the internet about suicide, I started reading about it more and more frequently. I don’t know.. living really should be a choice. There should be a place people who want to die go ,after saying goodbye to their families, and get put down. EWould make things a lot easier. I’m so back and forth on it too, one second I’ll be completely down to do it then next Im not. Sorry if this is scattered or if it doesn’t make much sense.. I havent slept in 3 days im going on day 4 right now. It felt nice typing it out somewhere and noone I know will know anything.

    • Is there a way to delete all that? I had been up for like 4 days and I guess I decided to share with the whole world some of my personal thoughts. Id like it to be taken down and forgotten about please. I will admit it was nice to go on about it and feel like I was telling someone, and after I posted that I read on to others and realize I really dont have it that bad. Sure things are hard and are only going to get harder but thats life and what is life? Complete bull****. I think wanting to die comes from not knowing who I am, what I want to do with my life, I have no goals, no passions. But I have my whole life ahead of me, im still growing up I haven’t yet became a person. I’m still sculpting through the bull**** life dumps on me to become the man I hope to be. I need to get over myself and focus on whats important thats making sure my family and I are all ok. Yhey need me more now than ever and here I am contemplating suicide as I stare at the wall infront of me. That ends today.Thank you for providing a place for me to let that out without having to say anything to anyone. Hopefully this will be the end of thise thoughts. But please as Irequested take this down

      • Eric and leron. We all seem to have a lot in common. Im so back and forth over the last couple years but the last month has seemed like my boiling point. Im just exhausted and tired of trying when nothing ever seems to work out. I feel selfish but at the same timewhy should I? I know people have it way worse then me, but honestly it doesnt matter. You feel how you feel, and I feel alone. Always. Which is fucked up because I know I have family thqtnloves and care about me and I wpuldnt want to hurt any of them bu hurting myself. I dont know anymore. Im 19, got hurt with no insurance. A bunch of other bullshit rkeeps piling on and it seems like nobody gives a fuck or will give me a break.Im just so done and dont know what to do anymore and as you stated, the thing that seems to comfort me the most is knowing it can all end. I dont need helpi just need someone that cares without me spilling my heart out

    • Hey Eric i read your story and i can relate to most of it I’m going through the same things your better than i am with words though lol i need a friend maybe we can vent to each other because every site i go on say not to go through this alone and i saw your post and it explained a lot to me

  242. …I don’t tell my therapist or psychiatrist about suicidal thoughts. I’m terrified of the idea of being hospitalized. Actually, I did tell my therapist once. She never saw me again after she called the cops on me. I literally ran out of the room and hid when she told me she was going to call the cops. That was years ago. I’ve since realized that if I’d let that happen, it would go on my mental health record, possibly preventing me from getting on medications I might need. I can’t tell you how completely horrified I felt at her trying to lock me up instead of actually trying to help me think in a way that didn’t lead to suicide. It was like a betrayal, even though I know it was her job. I saw it as a betrayal. It’s like someone doesn’t know how to help me, so instead they’re gonna throw me in a kind of prison and basically force me to promise not to kill myself before they let me out. How F-ed up is that? I’ve since realized that Vitamin D deficiency actually contributes massively to my depressive thoughts… how am I going to get Vitamin D in an f-ing mental hospital?

    I’m still suicidal, though. Lately it’s gotten really bad and I just wish I had someone to talk to about it. But I feel like I have no one. It’s led to my boyfriend abandoning me and me closing off more and more from the world. I like your scale… I’m about a 6.5 on it, I think. Not a perfect scale as it makes it sound like all those things go in order. They don’t exactly. When I first became suicidal, it was very sudden, like I was at 6.5 at least. The thing is, no matter how intensely I’ve wanted to die (and it’s been quite intense), I usually don’t contemplate methods. Why? Because I have only one way I want to kill myself, really…. and it’s not available to me. It’s never been available to me. That’s probably the main reason I’m still alive, actually. Those reading this may please themselves by thinking this is somehow a good thing, but I don’t think it is. I’ve been suicidal for 10 years, the majority of the time. My life has been crappy for at least 10 years. I kind of wish I’d just killed myself 10 years ago because things have gotten only marginally better. Is all this suffering worth it, for some people to pat themselves on the back that they “saved” my life? This isn’t living. I don’t feel alive. Unless you can make me FEEL alive, you haven’t saved my life.

  243. Were to begin,.. i have absolutely lost hope in everything i once believed in. Lost
    My father at young age. Lost all kinds of weight. Dont have no support of anyone. Almost homeless.
    Am alive, but feel as if am already dead. Am so alone. I try to get jobs and hobies and watch movies all dayy
    To forget what this miserable life has in store for me. I try and be positive at times, but theirs always someone
    Who manages to bring me back down. Am already to the point were i have wrote letters to people who might be effected by my doing. I feel that its my time, past my time. No one.. ever bothers to ask me how i am doing, or even better house full of people, and no one can say happy birthday or at least acknowledge my existence. Fed up
    With life in General.

  244. Thanks Natasha, It feels good to know there are people out there – strangers – like yourself that care.

  245. I am a forty seven year old male who is currently separated, divorced most likely within two weeks more. I had everything I wanted the wife, the kids the dog and the career. I was blind sided by divorce and now live alone within my private hell. I have isolated myself from friends and family and constantly think of suicide. I have attempted a few times, obviously without success. I own an old truck and have the hose packed into it, so when the time comes I will be ready. Ironically, I also have a stool and a rope in the truck so if the moment is right I can hang myself. I even have the tree picked out to do the deed. I know I am incredibly close to killing myself. I have come to terms with it and accept it. It’s funny because suicidal people become more philosophical and accept that everyone dies at one point and life is short so killing oneself is a brave act. This is how i feel. Now for the selfish part of my suicide, I have decided to kill myself once I am officially divorced due to the fact if you are separated, your ex will receive monthly support from the government pension. However, if you are divorced she will not receive anything and one can assign this pension amount to another loved one. I don’t want her to benefit from my divorce. That would be the ultimate disgrace. She wasn’t happy with a hard working, loyal, good father, that didn’t drink, do drugs or abuse her in anyway so I don’t want her to benefit anymore than she already has. She has kept everything I ever owned, up to my baby pictures. I have a few suits and a few household items I took when I left the family home. She takes about $2500 a month from me even though she makes about $5000 a month herself. It is grossly unfair the way this all turned out and I am ready for my peace.

  246. I am a 47 year old male who feels so unwanted and unloved. I have moments where I recognize and can see the idiot every one else sees. I think about suicide or wanting to die every day because of loneliness. Have now started thinking about ending it all after our Mom dies. I feel like such a failure, a mistake and a reject because I don’t how to develop a relationship with a woman and I no longer want to live alone.

    • dont you live with your mom, dad, brothers etc? so after your mom dies. why would you end it. I think i know who you are. I found this by chance.

  247. 5 but going closer to 7. Every day. I see Robin Williams die and I wish it had been me who was freed. Each day, going through the motions. Not knowing why. Wishing for a sign to show me the best way to leave this place

  248. could you help me with how to talk to my friend?what should i tell?how should i start the conversation?i have no idea what to say.please help…i just manage to call her up and hang up saying really sorry for bugging you again.

  249. i am a 14 year old and i have been planning to end my life for 3 whole years now.every time i see my dad staring at me with that disgust in his eyes i feel like running mom died when i was 8 and have been abused regularly both verbally and sexually by my family one give a damn about what i think anyways,maybe it really doesn’t matter.i have this friend of mine i want to talk to about the way i feel ,just once before i end this crap but don’t know how to talk about it.any suggestion?

  250. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way but it’s been going on for a few months now. The thought of suicide is happening everyday now.

    • Katie, sweetie..please go talk to someone about this. Do not keep it inside…

      You can also write to me …

      I hug you!

      • I just dont think anyone will understanding. I don’t even understand myself at times.

          • I have a daughter that a not even one yet. And already I feel like I’ve failed her beyond repair. Me and her father separated and since then he’s changed into a whole different person than the guy I fell in love with. He claims he wants to be apart of her life but makes no effort. In the end though I’m always made out to be the bad person. I have stepped up to the plate and provided for our daughter. I can’t even count the amount of overtime I’ve worked to provide for her. He left me to do literally everything on my own not once has helpled with anything since. I look at her and I see the hurt and pain she’s caused because of all this drama that her dad is bringing us. One minute he wants his family and the next he doesn’t. He grew up in a split fai and he always vowed that he wouldn’t put his family through this now where is he.? But that’s only half of what I’m feeling. I don’t have any worth. I have failed as a mom to keep her family together. I have failed as a daughter I can’t even visit my parents without them talking down on me. I don’t see my purpose anymore I just don’t I’ve tried everything.

            • You haven’t failed. Your husband has failed. He sounds confused and immature, and he might have hidden that from you by saying the right words. Please don’t give up. You sound like such an awesome mom, and I wish I had someone as caring as you in my life.

            • Think of the admiration that will be in your daughter’s eyes when she’s a big girl and fully understands all those long hours of work you had to put in. Think of how she would feel if you weren’t there for Parent’s Day at school, for her Prom dance, for her wedding, for her first child (your grandchild). Would you want to rob that little princess of those memories with her mother?

              You haven’t failed her. She loves you unconditionally. Hold on to that.

  251. You are simply WONDERFUL, Natasha! This scale is so useful; if I could walk into emergency room or a doctors office and say, ‘this is how suicidal I am’, instead of just saying I have suicidal thoughts. It’s such a simple solution to a confusing state and medical problem.
    Keep up the amazing work!
    I love you.

  252. I have had many horrible moments in my life starting early. Then my parents were the cause and i used to believe that I was smart, beautiful and strong. I have bounced in and out of struggles. I am an only child on my mothers side born to a woman whose hated me since the day I was born. I’ve never had anyone who cared about me or what happens to me. I find that it is harder and harder to try. Everything that people think of as unbearable has happened throughout my life. My mom slept with my husband and kept silent while my husband and his family conspired and stole my 2 month old, 16 month, and 3 yr old children many years ago as those children are grown now and reject me it still hurts deeply. My family did not help me no one hugged and comforted me. My dad took that time to ask how did I not know my husband was planning to leave me and take the kids. My mom said I could not stay with her and gave me 30 days to get out. I survived because I had hope. I am now in a place where i have no more hope. I now have a chronic medical condition that killed my legal career. At that time my long time on again off again relationship proposed and asked me to move Into his grandfathers home who had past away. I thought it was my beginning. I divorced the husband I had not seen in 19 years. I communicated with my stolen babies and learned they didn’t want to know me though they knew the truth. After two years of everything going perfectly I gave up my apt that i could no longer afford on disability. We (my two teens from another relationship and my intended) moved in the house. I thought I was on my way to happiness when ALL OF MY FRIENDS, Including the oldest and dearest hit me with jealousy and hatred and total disrespect that made the relationships irreparable. Then two weeks before the wedding HE HAD HIS FATHER TELL ME THE WEDDING WAS OFF. i WAS DEVASTATED AND EMBARRASSED. My family was not there for me no one comforted me in my despair. My children were hurt and I wanted to get my old apt back. They rejected me because of my changes in income. I sucked it up as best I could. He continued lying to me and the kids saying we were just in a rough patch. The First year was easier to try to work thru as I tried to honor my boys wishes to graduate with their class.I had planned to find work I could do with my health ans save so we could move promptly after they graduate. I have failed at this between deep depression and worry and a bad car accident. Two years ago he stopped pretending to care. All intimacy stopped. A year ago he moved to the other side of the house. In the beginning he would come and talk to me before leaving for work and upon returning home. 6 months or so he stopped his morning visits and 2 months ago he stopped his evening visits so I never know when he is home etc. yesterday we took my son shopping for senior pictures. He was distant. Later in the day I needed to talk to him as my son is difficult and the senior pictures might not happen I shared my frustration looking for comfort from the friend I used to have in him and he made it clear that the did not care. There was no comfort, no conversation. He blew me off and I went to bed alone and I tears. he no longer calls during the day etc. and today I woke up tired of waking up. I have no one. I asked my cousin if I could visit for a few days just wanted to get away and clear my head and he blew me off. It has been 3 years and I have not been able to heal my heart and come up with a plan to carry on mentally and financially. I have no one to lean on and no one to care. my kids don’t care they just don’t want me to upset there lives. My parents don’t care and it is obvious my FIANCEE PLAYED ON MY INSECURITY OF BEING DISABLED and he took advantage of me because I told him I would not move with him so he bought out marriage. The only good month in this house was the first. I can’t work so i am home alone all day. Always alone no one calls and I realize often that no one would miss me but my oldest and baby boy and increasingly that is not enough. I need some hope I have never been so hopeless and so totally alone waiting for the day he leaves cause I know he has someone. Everyone betrays me Even my dad went out and made a new daughter who he loved and raised as he became a stranger to me like I was the daughter from the affair. I am on Wellbutrin which helps on some days but I need some kind of help.Sometimes when I’m driving I think of doing something careless and final.

  253. A while back here I posted because I was feeling around a 7, my house was in foreclosure and I was worried I didn’t have enough money to live on, and I felt totally alone all the time. I got a big raise at work and now I’m more like a 1, because at least I can support myself. I’m not going to say anything cheesy about there’s hope but I will say that back then when I posted I never thought I’d be anything but a 7 again.

    The problem is that I’m still alone (no face-to-face friends, one relative who loves me but usually ignores me) and that issue has not been solved, and sometimes I do get suicidal thoughts thinking about it, even with other things in my life going all right. So I’m still worried.

  254. At the age of 7 I lost my mother and since then I have been living with a step-mother and step-brother but I feel I am no longer part of my own family. I don’t have the courage to tell my father but I feel that the only person I can honestly talk to it about is my grandma as she also feels the same as of her age. I mainly feel like this as most of the people I know have perfect lives and have a full family, but that doesn’t help as daily I am picked on for being fatter than them that doesn’t help at all. At the moment I feel like a reject from the community but my only comfort is video games. then after a while I felt that having a complete setup for committing suicide but what would be my downfall, I didn’t think there would be any but it really doesn’t help when people say “Go kill yourself” and “Your dead to me”

    -Hope you read this and have a reply soon thanks for having this web page for this great help.

    • Hi Alias,

      It sounds to me like you’re pretty young, although you didn’t say your age. I can tell you, that when I was young, things felt horrible. But here’s the thing – you grow up and you get to make your own life and it’s different than the one you experienced as a teen or child. Bullying is horrible. But it gets better. It’s not fair, but you have to hang on until those who would make fun of you grow up and learn how horrible they have been. You’re right, it doesn’t help at all, but you have to remember that it’s their tiny, dark, weak selves that work to make others feel small so that they can feel better.

      All that being said, seek out the help of a school counsellor, psychotherapist or doctor. Those people can help you. You don’t have to go through this alone.

      – Natasha Tracy

  255. I feel like i want to die daily. I had a son that passed away 5 years ago and it’s just something you never recover from. No ammount of counseling or drugs will fill the hole in my heart. I also have3 non curable illnesses, one bpeing a pain disorder. I have two other young children and thank goodness for that. They are what keeps me alive. I find myself at a 7 on your scale but i don’t think that i would ever do it, i love my kids too much to hurt them in any way. I feel like the real question becomes at what point is it a legitamate desire to die? At what point do we accept on someone wanting to commit suicide and give them the dignity to actually go through with it it? I feel that sometimes there are lives that are so deeply affected by pain, things that are chronic and can never be fixed. What are everyone’s thoughts on that?

  256. In 2010 I lost three people from suicide. January my old room mate who I used to find overdosed I moved out and she ended up dying because no one found her. my friend and love throughout high school And up until his death hung himself. My best friend Christina who shot herself in the head. This happened jan. Feb. Then March all unrelated each of them did not know eachother. Then my father’s ex killed herself in april. I lost my friend on a mo ped on Halloween and my friend Ken died in November of cancer all in the same year. I’ve lost people throughout my life I was abused by my mother and siblings. Bullied by people in school and have had lots of deaths I cant list bc there have been so many. The 2010 tragedies did not affect me at first I took care of my friends who were grieving I have always been the caretaker while everyone in my life has fuck ed me in my life. Bottom line I am also very successful but work from home I am isolated for the past 5 years……i do not believe anyone truly loves, me bc my close friends committed suicide and my family and friends have never been appreciative of me. No one helps me no one is there for me. I’m just the girl with no more friends a family who treats me like shit. I have no one. I am emotionally drained and haunted by my dreams of sean the second one who committed suicide. I dream of him everyday and it needs to stop. I need to forget him. But my dreams of him are constant and it’s extremely painful there was very much unfinished business. So bottom line after all the trauma, in my life and my generosity toward people everyone takes advantage of me. I have no one. You can have all the money in the world but if you do not feel loved you have nothing. That’s how I feel. Everyday I am in constant pain I can’t let anything go. I’m 31 and have been through so much I feel old. I hate my life. I wish I could be happy and have peace just one break in my life to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been tO three psychiatrist no one helps. I’m all alone. My best go Kristina who killed herself treated me the best out of most of my friends In my entire life. Then a month later after knowing I just lost two friends she killed herself two days after planning her wedding and going through bridesmaids dresses. I don’t get it. But I would understand if someone like myself too their life because of the hell I’ve been through and no one understanding what I’ve been through. I won’t kill myself but I wish I would die.

  257. Thank you for posting this. I am bipolar and offing myself has always been in my head since I was 6 or 7 dreaming about it in my room. I learn a lot from this but most importantly that I am only a level 4. That made me feel amazing to know that it is not ruling my life anymore. Again I just wanted to say Thank you and have a groovy day!

  258. i have nothing to live for anymore. i have no job, no friends, no family, no money, at the end of this month i will be living on the streets. i have a college degree but i can’t even get a job doing data entry, and my field of study was something easy i chose just to have a degree and i didnt learn any skills from it and wasn’t interested in it. i wasted my life, my money, and the lives of the people around me. i’m 25 and i don’t think i’ll make it to 26. the world is better off without me. and even if people did get sad about me dying they would grieve and then they would move on, they would hurt for a while but they’d get over it.

    • you are perfect the way you are!

      hang in there.. i have had depression and know how painful it is.. and all the dark thoughts you get about harming yourself.. i have lost friends to suicide…(they thought no one cared either) but in reality they were very much loved…. and i see how there families and friends lives have all been changed… for the worse.. they are always thought about daily.. and especially missed on holidays and family gatherings…

      try to change your outcome… get out there… get involved and try helping others (children/teens and adults) know they are not alone.. use your stories.. your voice and be a hero… life is a roller coaster… but life is in your hands….

      you are loved! and im my thoughts and prayers everyday! hang in there. (if i didn’t .. i would’ve never met my fiance.. i would’ve never had my son… i would’ve never met my niece and brothers wife…. there is so much possibilities out there… keep on being a fighter (prove to your self YOU CAN DO IT! – YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE LOVED!)

  259. I have tried 2 commit suicide about 6 times and the last time it happened I was put in hospital for 2 days and it frightened the life out of me- all of these occasions were due 2 drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Now I have been off the drink for a while and I am slowly starting 2 feel that way again! I would say I am a 2-3 at the moment but it’s scary because I have been here before! I feel so alone because nobody else I know has thoughts like me it feels like I am not normal! I do not know why I am so unhappy as I have a loving family and a good job but I still feel like this! I am nearing 30 and I know I want a family and I don’t know if this is messing with my head or if I need medication! I have been through counselling and all sorts, which makes me feel better at the time but then I go through this crazy state of mind again! I feel so helpless and do not know how to control my own mind! Paranoia and anxiety are also playing a massive part in my life jus now and I’m scared if things don’t get better I will stupidly do something 2 myself again!! Has anyone been in the same situation or know of good coping strategies?x

  260. Feelings of suicide pop in my head everyday, everytime I hurt someone’s feelings I feel like they would be better off without me, but it’s probably true. I’m only 12 and I’m ready to go,
    I’ve been very open about my brothers death, and no one seems to care that I have feelings too. I get bullied a lot and my school just makes it worse, considering my parents are mostly all the time drunk and having sex. I do have a little sister and a bigger brother, he is just as suicidal as I am, we agreed that one of us had to stay with our little sister, Alexis. She is such a sweetheart but we both just cant do it. I’ve already written my suicide note, and I’ve had this rope for years tied perfectly for when I’m ready, I just can’t do it though. I just need help. Please!

    • Hi Skylar,

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s not fair. And it’s not right that you parents aren’t helping your through it. But what you need to know is – it gets better. It really does. The bullying stops and you become an adult who can take control of her life.

      It may seem like no one in your life cares about your feelings but I promise you, people do. Talk to a counsellor at school. Talk to a doctor. Be honest about your hopeless and suicidal feelings. You have to reach out. You have so much more life to live and it _will_ be better than it is right now. I promise.

      Please call a helpline and talk to someone. People _do_ care. People want you to feel better. People will help things improve but you may have to reach out to outside your family.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • you are loved! <3
      Things will and do get better as time goes on.. i promise. i had the same thoughts at your age and longer.. but things do get better! you are loved by me and others on this community site, hang in there . you are perfect the way you are!

      use this feeling as a tool when you get older to help other children who feel as you feel right now , just hang in there!

  261. I think about suicide everyday its an constant repeat thought in my head when I try to forget it comes back there’s alot of things I think about but suicide seems to be the only one worthy of listening to I think suicide is a person living in you that wants out and the only to free itself is get rid of the external body so it may prosper as long as you live the stronger it gets till one day you pop ans go off the meter and do whatever your way is to get rid of self im 26 I have had this thought since I was younger bout 13 and I think im getting close to it nothing great has happened in my life I don’t look for riches its just when you try hard to get what you want and something in the midst seems to intervene with those goals then once unaccomplished you wonder why you that these things are happening to you I don’t mean harm to kno one I never have seems God doesn’t love me cause if he did and if he is real he wouldn’t let things like this happen makes me doubt his existence I cant stop thinking about suicide its funny cause I kno how many lives I will hurt if I do but I think it is for all the better theirs kno room for me on earth im in the way of good I will like to be happy just once in my life is it that hard to get maybe life takes turns that some of us just cant get around peace and muchluv peace ain’t just deuces it’s love on earth tears of joy.

  262. Natasha, first of all, I’ve just come across your blog and I’ve found it very helpful. I’m not too coherent right now (haven’t been for the past two or three months), so maybe you’d just like to skip to the last two paragraphs.

    Right now I guess I’m between 7-8… been with this for so long, that I know it’s only going to get worse- I usually just lay there and let it pass. What kills me right now is feeling I have to break up with my boyfriend- he did something stupid, silly, and I can´t forgive him for that, even when maybe it’s not such a big deal. He’s otherwise a kind, loving, understanding partner, and the one I’ve had my most stable relationship with (I’m 25, been with him for nearly nine months- yeah, that’s ‘stable’ for me, I’m so screwed up I can’t handle relationships for more than two months).

    I’m sorry I probably just got carried away, it’s usually like this, I feel like my mind is racing and I can’t think straight. It’s been like this since I was like 16, though I can remember being depressed since I was a child (depressed and pissed off all the time). Never been diagnosed with anything though, I’m poor and mental health care in my country is practically negligible. My brain is probably very, very sick. I have bouts of uncontrollable anger, happiness and sometimes, like now, I just want to die. I’ve tried to kill myself four times. I’ve had times when I would feel like burst out laughing while crying my eyes out, felt like smiling while I’m emotionally abusing my boyfriend (while the other half of me is dying of guilt and sadness). I’m probably not bipolar, I’ve looked it up and I don’t think I fit the criteria, probably closer to BPD. The worst thing is feeling like I’m going to lose my mind any second.

    I have a question, though. More like, I’d just like some confirmation (not sure it’s the right word, english isn’t my mother language, see); I’ve decided to end my relationship. I deeply love this man, I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me- but lately I’ve done nothing but emotionally abuse him, make him suffer and constantly tell him I no longer trust him (which I don’t… he lied to me and truly hurt my feelings, but I want to get over it, I want to forgive him and I just can’t). I feel like I’m emotionally blackmailing him all the time. He’s suffering. So the best thing for him is to get away from me and he doesn’t want to, but I can’t keep this up. I want to stay with him, I want him to comfort me, but I also realize he deserves so much more. He deserves happiness and respect and I can’t give him that. The mere thought of leaving him is… heartbreaking.

    I’m not trying to sound all altruistic, I just think it’s the most decent thing I can do, even when I really don’t want to. My life will have even less meaning once I lose him and I don’t know if I can even make it, or if it’s going to end up in a 5th suicide attempt. Not suggesting I’ll kill myself BECAUSE of it, but… I already wanted to kill myself anyway, way before he came along. Ten years battling against it, four times I’ve given up to it- yet I’m still around.

    • Hey Elise, I saw your comment and found that our stories are very similar and maybe it would help to have someone to talk to who knows what you’re feeling. If you are ever interested in talking to me, please [moderated].

      • Hi Haley,

        I appreciate that you want to help, and that’s great, but I don’t generally allow email addresses here. I recommend taking it to a private discussion on another site.

        – Natasha Tracy

  263. Im not suicidal and thankful for it but ive seen people who are and ive always wanted to help people but one thing i must say to try to help i read “why do i keep fighting?” And let me tell you something you keep fighting and living because you dont really want to die, you want all the bad to end. And Ending yourself is the only way you can think to do it. But please don’t, you were put on this world for a reason you’re being tested in your life. So that brings me back you keep fighting because you want to beat this test. But aside from all that. Lets do a little Imagining You just did it you ended yourself for sake of decency lets say OD your Spouse/Sibling gets up sees your not in bed just kinda brushes it off and gets up walks into the kitchen and sees your body laying on the floor. They immediately start to cry. They come to their senses call 911 then go get your kids/Parents to let them know what happened they walk in not quite sure what to think they feel a mix of feeling pain, sadness, even guilt. your spouse/Parents are trying to calm the kids while the responders have just shown up and taken your body away they start to pump your stomach it fails. They keep working they cant get the drugs out At the ER Your family sits in the waiting room for 2 or more hours wondering if you made it and why would you do this? Did they do it? was someone hurting you and they didn’t know? Then the Doctor comes out and informs the family they couldn’t get it out in time. The room quickly falls silent no one says a word yet everyone knows the next part to come “im sorry” the doctor tells your family all at once not one person can hold it in anymore they all start crying again they have lost the most important thing in their life, you. they just cant keep it together then other things start to happen they go home in a silence wondering what would make you do this. Then a few weeks later they get a bill. From the Hospital its too much to pay at once. They also have to plan a funeral for you they go into debt. All of this on top of losing you they feel the same thing you did they cant take it they end it also. Thus creating a vicious cycle that only an extremely strong person could break. I know this was quite a long read but i hope it helps you realize there are people who love you even if you don’t feel it and even if you don’t believe me still i care about you i wrote this on here for you. To help you get better i care we all care here. So Why keep fighting you ask? Because you haven’t let anything beat you yet don’t start know don’t dump the emotional burden and the sadness of a loss on the people you love you know what it feels like and im sure you want no one else to feel that way

  264. does anyone else feel like they are already dead?

    I feel like im living my life and im breathing everyday. but i feel like i am already dead, i constantly have a voice in the back of my head telling me to die, and i believe that. the only thing is that im scared to death of death, i want to die i just dont know how to. i have cry episodes throughout the days from time to time, i have a pretty good life though from the outside i am a happy girl. even though there is this one thing that has taken over my life forever and i know for a fact i cant live this way. so it needs to happen, i have thought of how i would do it, or if im driving i could find a way to crash, or sometimes i wish i could be shot killed or be in a car accident literally just anything so then i know that im not doing it. I feel like that seems weird saying i want to die but dont want to kill myself.. i really dont understand it i feel that if i really did want to die i would do anything to do that and i dont. idk im just living in this world day by day feeling non existent.

    • Hi Brooke,

      Actually, I’ve said exactly the same thing:

      I think it’s pretty “normal” (or at least common) to want to die but not to want to do it yourself. I’ve felt that way many times. For months at a time. Everything that you’re saying I have lived.

      Here’s the thing: it gets better. I promise. I know it likely feels like it never will, but that’s a lie that your brain is telling you. You have to wait it out. And sometimes that means a very, very long time, but it does pass with treatment.

      You’re not alone with these feelings. We’re standing with you. Lean on us.

      – Natasha Tracy

      • Thankyou, you are so strong i can tell and i wish i could have the same way of thinking as you do. Recently around me there has been a lot of deaths and i just really don’t understand why these people that have SO much going on for them in their lives, so much ahead of them. Great people that love life and enjoyed every moment they had with it have been taken away from the one thing they were meant to do. and yet there i am wishing to die everyday and have no goals or anything going on for me in my life yet im still living and breathing another day. and i want to die because it hurts so much to see that these people are dead and im living the life they should have had. i dont deserve this life, i really really dont. im killing myself everyday inside i just wish it was easier to do on the outside

        • Hi Brooke,

          I promise, you’re as strong as I am. How do I know this? I know this because you’re fighting against a brain that wants to kill you and you’re not dead – this means you’re winning. This is the same fight I have. I know how tough it is.

          I also know exactly what you’re saying about deaths around you. Years my friend’s father died of cancer and she was only 19, I think. I thought to myself, how could this man, who was a good father and decent human being, be taken away when others waste their lives with alcohol, drugs and abandon their children and are still here.

          But here’s the thing. Life doesn’t discriminate and neither does death. You deserve to be here as much and as little as anyone else. And I promise, you are affecting others in ways you don’t see or understand. There are people who want you here.

          Again, I get it. It feels so hard and unfair but please get some help because you will be able to look at this in the rearview mirror some day. I know it’s hard to believe but you’re going to have to trust me on this.

          – Natasha Tracy

  265. Well Im between a 7 and 8 , lucky theres no guns in the house cuz that’s my preferred way to go.

  266. If you saw my life you would think I have it all. I am educated. I am the mother of 4 beautiful children. I have a kind husband. I have a nice house but the debt that goes along with that. Yet all I want to do is die, all the time. I think I am at a 9 today. I have written letters to people in my life. I have read up on the various ways to die. I have a multitude of plans. I am so tired of the pain, being alone, suffering in silience, hating myself and knowing that my birth should have never occurred. I know that everyone would be better without me here. My husband would be free from me and I wouldn’t be a drain on everyone in my life. The only thing that stops me is my children. I don’t want to transfer my pain unto them. I don’t want my secret life to become theirs. But it gets so bad that even those reasons don’t seem like enough to keep me here. What kind of mother can I really be if I am constantly trying to hide my pain. I just constantly feel trapped. I am trapped in my thoughts. I am trapped in my life. I just want it all to end.

    I have tried counseling, medications, exercise, losing weight, and reaching out for help. Nothing works. In the end, I am alone in this. Even my therapist has had it with me. She tells me that the only one that can really save myself is me. Well, that just leaves me alone, again. I have been told that I confuse the past with the present but I don’t see the difference. The past defines who you are and you are responsible for your actions and some actions are just unforgiveable.

    I want to die. I am afraid that my attempt could fail and I don’t want that but I don’t want my family to find my body either. Since I am constantly taking care of and with my family, I am trapped. I just don’t know what to do. I am writing this so that maybe I can find some relief and lessen the pain and current desperation. However, I know that even if I make it through today and even have a good day, the pain and thoughts will just return again and again. I just can’t keep up this fight.

  267. Is it really true that the average person has no thoughts of suicide? I cannot imagine what that must be like. So envious. My baseline is 4, I’d say; wobbling on the far edge of 6 right now. I have been a total failure as a father and husband, as events of the last week have proved finally and indisputably. I can’t say more in a public forum. But nothing is ever going to get better, ever, ever. The people around me would be so much better off without me. The only reasons I don’t commit suicide are cowardice and that I don’t want my kids ever thinking of it as an option for them. But God if I could just die.

  268. Thank you so much for this. I thought it was normal to have thoughts of “I want to die.” It seems that it is not… I thought I was “OK” because things are so much better than they were and I’ve not planned “properly” / made arrangements for nearly a year. But it seems that this does not mean things are all right…

  269. i feel Im not so alone in my way of thinking now after reading all the comments , i tried to hang myself 3 days ago and now feel so ashamed , i contacted my gp and am recieving help from the crisis team , however i still feel suicidal and am in so much pain i feel i can’t be honest about my plans with the team because im scared they section me . I’ve had lots of med etc they dont help . i am back at my gp tomorow i just hope i don’t do anything silly till then .

  270. I lost my home my job and im trapped in a mentality and verbally abusive relationship. Fyi…people that do think about suicide. …REALLY WANT TO DIE….

    I cant see getting better. …my life is only getting worse day by day…..

    Cant afford to see a doctor so I basically screwed. Im just waiting for my brain to just snap and get it over with.

    • Hi Kiesha,

      I can understand how hopeless things feel for your right now and I can understand why you might feel like taking your life. But there are still many ways out. Please call a helpline and they can tell you about how to get out of such a relationship and use the mental health services finder to find services near you that may be free or charge on a sliding scale:

      You are not “screwed.” You do need to reach out, though. You can do it.

      – Natasha Tracy

  271. I’ve tryed to kill my self over 20 times…I’m now about to be homeless n hungry I do not trust or feel safe in a shelter no friends or family no job ..I have blade next to me now ready too put it to my rist n neck I know no one loves or wants me …i am a wast of time space and air

    • Chris,

      I appreciate that you feel suicidal and I appreciate that you need a place to express that. Keep in mind though, the fact that you’re reaching out suggests that you _want_ to live and that you _want_ help. You’ve attempted many times because you’re calling out for someone to help you. I’m sorry you haven’t experienced that help yet, but it is out there.

      Please call a hotline now:

      There are people who can help you with you living situation and your mental health, but you have to reach out to the right people to find them.

      – Natasha Tracy

  272. I am going through the same truma as Tash is going through and as she described in her statement . When I sleep I just dont want to wake up again .I am looking for a good company or relationship .

  273. I have been thinking of suicide nearly every day for about a month now. I used to frequently when I was younger, amd made a couple of lame attempts the last one being about 7 years ago. I have been in a sometimes abusive and always exhausting, relationship on and off for 10 years. In the last few years he has cheated on me several times, I’ve had girls message me sending me photos of them together, etc. This used to cause me stress and made it hard to focus at work and hard to just focus on being the best mom I can to our son, now it has just broken me down to where I feel worthless and I just sort of take it or get angry and try to end it and then feel guilty for doing so. Itspretty idiotic. On top of that, it has always seemed to me that I dont fit in or belong anywhere and I have been told that I dont more times than I can count. Most recently I was told today by my boss that I dont fit in. The day before a fellow teacher at the college I teach at told me I didnt look the part and that is why nobody respects me. (I am 32, but one of the youngest teachers there. I have tattoos and a tiny nostril piercing, and very blonde hair…my students call me Nurse Barbie haha. Most of the other instructors are literally senior citizens or severely over weight to morbidly obese middle aged women.) I have been in the medical field for almost 8 years and feel I am very intelligent when it comes to my field, but I have literally been fired from jobs because the other women I worked with did not like me even though the physician I worked for loved me. My most current job, teaching, has left me so stressed out. I was so excited for it, but from the beginning I was set up to fail. Provided no training, reprimanded and accused of trying to be friends with students because I responded to a female student who asked what kind of shampoo I use. My boss would pull my students aside and ask if they thought I could handle the class, undermining me. It was something everyday. Today I was told I dont fit in and was accused of using drugs and discussing my drug use with students…I dont even take over the counter meds or drink or go out. So, I quit my job, and now I feel like a loser. I broke up w my sons father again and I’d like to date, but I dont want to be a part of another train wreck and sometimes I feel like I’m not worth dating, like I’m not worth anyone’s time. I feel pathetic and like a piece of crap. I seem to fail at everything I do no matter how hard I try and how positive I try to be. I used to be a stripper and I drank all the time and my 2 older childrens father, who was also abusive , took my kids and never brought them back. I quit dancing, and everything else, put myself through school while pregnant with my youngest son whos father left me for another girl until I had our son, I graduated with honors and have busted my ass to make it on my own. I tried very hard to turn my life around and just live a simple normal life, and it doesnt seem to matter much. I don’t feel like I fit into this world and I am beginning to just really hate the human race. I go to bed every night wishing I wouldn’t wake up. It seems pointless to do so, pointless to even try anymore. I am just…tired and want to give up and have a bit of peace. I do not feel welcome in this world and I cant seem to figure out what is so wrong with me other than I just must really suck. I am sure I am nuts and need help, but at this point that seems like a waste of time too. I guess it is what it is and I will die when I die or get the balls to end it.

  274. I am obsessed with the idea of suicide and escapism. All I want to do is go out into the world, find some “low-life losers” to bum off of, start a band and OD on heroin. I frequently have thoughts of hanging myself. I’m just gonna run out into the vast expanse of shrubs in my area and hang myself. It’s also scary how much empathy I’ve been feeling lately. Reading up on people have died, the realization has hit me that these people are never gonna have the chance to reach their goals, live their lives, because they’re DEAD. They will be dead until the sun dies out and my grandchildren are old. It’s scary to think that I could die, and so young. The idea of death scares me, and in a way I wanna have the control in my hands because I fear it overextending its visit until I can’t take it anymore. Two weeks ago at night, I was planning to die in two days. On the morning of The Day, I felt so exhausted so my plans were rendered useless. That’s what depression does to me, so I don’t think I’m gonna be dying any time soon.

    I know I need to get help. I have tried once and due to personal reasons freaked out and backed out. I have told my mom about my suicidal thoughts in times of crisis and I’m not convincing enough toward her

    I’m not going to say what’s wrong in my life, but it is no way anyone should live, and I feel I have no way out but suicide or some other grand gesture.

  275. I have always had the thought of suicide in my mind for years, always having the urge to jump in front of the train in and out of work or visualising jumping from a tall building . I feel extremely depressed and keep going in and out of ending it now to giving it another day or two.

    The main reason i haven’t done it yet it due to the fact i know how this will effect my family and friends. The thought of causing pain for my mum and dad and siblings just make me feel even more worse and down. Its a vicious circle.

    I have huge amounts of debt which my mum is a guarantor for one of them meaning she will have to continue to pay this and she has no money what so ever. I don’t think i can put my family through this as its selfish and a coward way out of a life.

    I screwed up years ago when i started taking drugs. I can now officially say i am a full on drug addict which is why i am in such bad debt. Every time i kick myself for the drugs and debt i end up buying more, happy for a few hours and then hit a massive depressed state for the next week or so.

    I guess some will say this is all self inflicted which i would agree with but i have had such strong feelings to do this for so many years it cant all be down to debt and drugs.

    Knowing that i will be causing so much pain to others keeps stopping me from going through with it but i did recently create a will and wrote a note to each family member and friend explaining why i cannot continue in life.

    I feel a bit better already writing this out for others to read, almost a way of relieving the pressure. Im sure this will only last for a while until im back thinking about my wasted life and problems.

    I just cant see a way out of this feeling and am always question life and why im even here.

    Take care all…

    • I know how you feel, I have been wanting to end my life for 5 yrs now. People have talked me out of it in the past. My mom is an asshole with no heart. No feelings.I cant even talk to her. I am suffering in silence for so long and tried everything from praying to calling psychics and nothing in my life has improved. Now in my 30s, no kids no husband. I went to college and keep ending at bad companies in bad neighborhoods. People really have no idea that im so suicidal. I think about it daily probably every minute of the day and im at my tipping point now. I am so lonely even with friends and family but im stil lonely. No one has time for me at all. No one i can talk to. I dont knowhow to improve my life..and im tired of going on year after year, no changes no matter how hard I try to get in a better company or meet someone. I literally hate my life and is ready to die.

  276. i think i’m at level 8.

    i can’t stop thinking about killing myself especially when i’m looking myself at mirror

    i tried to communicate all my insecurities to my mom, but when i told her about a few of my problems, she said that my problems are nothing than hers. since then i start to feed my insecurities with all things that trigger me to do suicide, like movie, song, other suicidal teens in the internet, because when i do that i feel to be understood.

    when i less function because of my suicidal thought, my mom always said that i’m lazy, i’m not useful and don’t have bright future.

    now i’m living my life like hell. how come i’m so young but i don’t enjoy my life? :( i wish i don’t have to wake up from my sleep.

    to be honest i’m scared to feel a pain death, but i’m scared to be alive also. i’m wishing just someone take over my life without i have to do it by myself. still thinking too kill myself 24/7 in my head tho.

    just want to share. sorry for my bad english, i’m from indonesia.

  277. Oh my god, my heart aches over these stories. I know this wont be fore everyone, but ‘finding’ your spiritualty will bring you hope. What most of us don’t realize is that we are all a spark of the divine creator or our ‘source’ some call it God. You are a perfect spirit having a ‘human’ experience’. That body you are in and head you are trapped in is all illusion so to speak. We all agree to incarnate to learn lessons and advance our souls. We have a challenging life plan that we agree to with also an element of free will. If you could understand that back with the source that there is no judgment – there is only love. I heard a few men admit to “things they’ve done and I don’t hear a lot of blaming other people. I applaud you all for that….you are strong. Try looking up Louise L Hay or Dr Wayne Dyer on you tube and listen to their speeches an lectures. Again, it won’t be for everyone but maybe it could help someone. You are beautiful souls having a human experience – you do the best you can with the understanding and knowledge you have at the time. Be kind to yourselves and pray…pray for others pray for inner peace. XO love to you all.

  278. I’m at about a 6 I think. Right now all I can think of is that I would end my life if I had the nerve, and the only reason I’m staying alive is that I’m a coward.

    I have no friends except on the internet. I have a son but he has problems of his own and no way to help me, and he lives far away and only talks to me over facebook once a week or so except on special occasions. I’m sure he would be devastated if I committed suicide but I can’t stand this anymore. He is my only relative.

    Due to foreclosure I have to be out of the house I’m living in by next month. I had a promotion at work last year, and I really thought I was going to be OK because I could afford a little studio apartment, if I were really careful with my money. But I actually can’t — the few I saw at a barely affordable price turned out to be in an area with gang problems – and I mean literally, not just that they weren’t middle class and white, I don’t care about that. I’m going to have live in a rented room, and not even have my own bathroom, and I can’t stand living like that for the rest of my life (and it could easily be for the rest of my life, I’m 46 already and I would have to make over $5000 more a year to be able to rent a decent apartment). I know I should be thankful that I would still have a roof over my head but the only way I can keep going right now is thinking that I can kill myself before I have to actually go to live (again) in a rented room with complete strangers.

    No one cares, except sort of my son, and he’s homeless himself right now so he can’t help me at all. If I tell him I’m suicidal he’s only going to feel guilty because he can’t help me.

    My life is half over already and it’s time to admit that I have messed it up irretrievably and I might as well spare myself more pain.

    I’m sorry for saying all this but I had to let it out.

  279. I read your post & in some I recognize steps on the path I took here. I used to feel bad over things like school girls ect. Now I really see how advanced my case is in comparison. My thoughts stem from the fact that I see nothing worth living for. I’ve had girls $ cars ect but none of it ever brought me any pleasure. I quite literally lost my laugh several yrs ago, I’m completely un able to laugh out loud (I do so people don’t think I’m weird & it sounds horrible & crazy). My thoughts stem from the fact that I cant see any reason for living what so ever. I don’t want a family, I would hate to be famous more than anything, all I really want is to escape this world. Every time I’m in public I cant stand to be around other people I’m so embarrassed for them I cant stand talking to them or being around them & having to watch them interact makes me angry/full of embarrassment for them. If I won the lottery id probably just give the $ away & it would end the same any way I really don’t see how medication is going to fix this? These are clear & concise thoughts with a rational basis. When your ugly or poor you think if I just had looks or $ id be happy. So what do you do when your good looking & have plenty of $ & it is SO much worse because there is nothing to look forward to & say if I could just do such & such I would be happy. If I had 3 wishes altruistically speaking I would use them for the betterment of the world but for my self I just want out of this dimension at any cost. I feel like I should write a note ect but I don’t see the point.

  280. I’m somewhere between a four and seven on the scale. Depends on the day, really. Took the day off work today because I couldn’t sleep last night – and my inability to sleep had a lot to do with thinking about how I might kill myself.

    I’ve been seeing a counselor over work related issues, and she noted that I mentioned sometimes having thoughts of ending my life on the intake form. I admitted that yes, I have been having thoughts like that lately, but I wasn’t fully honest with her. I *do* have a plan, and can find the means to execute it fairly quickly. I withheld information because I wouldn’t care to be locked up in a psych ward and forcibly pumped full of drugs I don’t want.

    My viewpoint on drugs stems from the sense that people believe that suicidal thinking and actions are always and necessarily indicative of a psychiatric problem for which drug treatment is required. What few stop to consider is that many suicidal people are that way because they live shitty lives and can’t fix their problems – and nobody really wants to help. Or they live in a realm where they are horribly treated by others. There seems to be a lot of focus on medicalizing problems so that people can be processed and shunted out of the way, but damned little attention paid to real, practical solutions. No, it’s far more profitable to hand out a scrip.

    In my case, I’m planning on killing myself because I can’t find a partner. I’m convinced that women find me unattractive, and I get lots of evidence in my daily life to support that argument. Oh sure, I get dates once in a blue moon, but it always ends up with the girl fading away, or saying “let’s just be friends” (when what she really means is ‘I think you’re ugly and your personality sucks but I haven’t got the guts or decency to be honest because then I would look shallow’).

    I’ve come close to actually having a relationship a couple of times, but have had to end it because the women involved turned out to be worse off than me and continuing with them would have posed a liability, not a benefit. The didn’t initially appear to have serious problems, but after a few dates, their issues became apparent. No woman who actually has her shit together wants me. And yet, I have a half-decent job, a decent car, own my own home, and I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs.

    I have no friends and can’t find any. I think that people in general think I’m ugly and want nothing to do with me either, ergo the lack of any real friends. What few family members I have left don’t want much to do with me either; at best, it’s an invitation to Christmas dinner each year, made out of guilt, and the rest of the year I’m ignored.

    • Wow, you sound like I use to feel. Try not to openly show the people around you how much you hate yourself. If you seriously want a partner, you have to find a way to let up on yourself a bit. Don’t put thoughts in other peoples heads, you know , like telling them how worthless you are. If people are inviting you to functions for the reasons that you say; such as guilt or whatever, then be engaging. I know easier said than done, but ask questions about them, who knows, you might actually forget about how miserable you are and have a good time. If you want to meet a good girl, then try going to church, there are plenty of good people there. I don’t mean to sound so shallow in replying to your comment, but I’ve been there, most days I’m still there, but I’ve managed to fool a great guy into thinking I’m worth hanging around for, who knows, you may fool someone just long enough that they actually find out what a great person you really are…and what the hell, you may realize that your not so bad as well. Good luck man, keep the plan where it belongs, it really doesn’t need to see the light of day.

  281. I have not been diagnosed with anything like depression, but I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. I am “shy” I have no friends. I’m 15 and lately for about 5 months I have been thinking of suicide more than usual…the usual for me is normally everyday. But now I’ve been thinking about it like every hour of the day. But I feel like I have no right to feel this way, other people have it way worse than me. I am actually not good at anything, and it seems like no matter how much I try I can’t find anything I’m good at. The only person I feel who can relate to me is my older sister, she’s 17, but we recently transferred to a new school. she also has talking problems, but as soon as we transferred she just magically pops out of her shell….? She use to think like me, and now I tell her some of my problems and she’s like “if you tried talking to people…” LIKE I thought me and her were on the same page. My mind cant think for some reason when people say something to me. I feel completely alone, I try telling my parents how I feel, they get distracted listening to how WONDERFUL my sisters friends are. As soon as she sees me she starts saying what her and ALL of her friends did that day. I told her to stop bragging and shes like “oh, sorry, ANYWAYS, Trevor hugged my today.” I envy my sister so much, although she seems to copy me… I say something funny to her, next couple of days later she reads me her texts and they have the same EXACT words I said. I tell her I said that, she ignores me. LIKE WTF? I have been thinking of ways to die, like suffocation, overdose, starvation. Overdose sounds easiest so it might be that. I have also set a time limit. If things haven’t gotten better by the time I’m 18 then I’m going to commit suicide. But if things start to worsen then I might have to do it a bit early. I don’t plan to live long anyways, I don’t wanna get old. So I think I’m around 7 or 8.

  282. Hi guys. I’ve been battling depression for a while now, both medicated and not. I haven’t taken a pill in about 6 months. About 3.5 yrs ago, I became abusive to my partner. I hurt her. My mother got involved and became physical with me, so I punched her in the nose. In one day I lost my girlfriend, my two beautiful children, my mother, my family. My grandfather became ill with cancer and would not allow me to see him in hospital before he died because I had disgraced him. I understand. I grew up without a dad, mine died when I was 6. I haven’t had a single phone call for Xmas or birthday, nobody will talk to me, I have tried multiple times to talk to everyone, but it never ends well. After my Gf and I separated, (straight after the aforementioned dispute) I became homeless. I had nobody. I know I deserve to be punished for my actions that led me here, but I’mhuman too, and I ha mental health problems, I was abused as a child by my stepfather, age 10. I hate this place and I want to leave. Trust me, my family wouldn’t notice for at least a year. Unless someone told them. I love my kids, but the pain is too great. I can’t address my feelings, they are too strong
    . How can u brush your kids under the rug and try not to think of them? U can’t, therefore I must leave this

    • Don’t kill yourself. This is probably hypocritical of me to say but I do think that suicide is not something you should do. Get help. Realize that you’ve been through a lot and you’re allowed to feel the way you do but never think you’re useless or that no one cares about you. You have kids and they need you. You know what it was like growing up without a parent, so don’t let the same thing about to them. Maybe I’m assuming too much but think of those people in your life who you love and miss, and try to make things right. Try to make things right with yourself. Don’t let anything or anyone make you believe you should kill yourself. Good luck.

  283. Wow does what i wrote sound like a 10? I only consider myself a 3 on the scale…. I must be really fucked up then. 3= I really need help. I have also taken online tests that say I have a high chance of having severe borderline personality disorder. As well as other personality disorders. And depression. And I’m only 17.

    • Hi Ayla,

      Whether you sound like a 10 or a 3, you sound like you need help.

      And, just so you know, many mental illnesses begin in the teens years – you’re not alone – and many mental illnesses occur together. But what you need is a professional assessment, not an online test.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • What brought you to a 10? I know how you feel I really do just keep trying to stay alive.

  284. I’ve been dealing with what I think is some form of dystymia for a while. Recently I’ve started to feel more and more depressed somedays, especially at night and mid-morning. In late-November early-December I cut a little but lied when my friend and boyfriend at the time noticed. Early January late-February I realized there was very little keeping me from taking my mind down that road, and it wasn’t that I had people I loved and cared about who would be devastated if I left. Mid-February I went through a bad break-up, but I actually felt the least depressed I ever had for two weeks after that. Like i had a reason to be upset, and I had friends and family I could reach out to and that made me feel better. But now I feel depressed most days, and today I’ve started feeling suicidal. I’ve been thinking of ways I could die, and I want to die. I realized, I want to die. I just want to die. Maybe not necessarily stop living, but be dead. I don’t think it’s caused by much really……… maybe negative thinking? Idk, I don’t want to feel like I’m just looking for attention or being negative when I could easily fix this on my own, but I just don’t feel like it or care as much. Drained of energy….. I want to see beauty in the world and I do, but I just feel sad and down or cloudy/foggy minded and get headaches, and my body feels like there’s bile in it, just not good, like I’m always bloated and have stomachaches/cramps, I just feel awful. It’s hard to get out of bead some days…. even most days. I don’t know why, I just feel like I’m gonna fail my senior year of high school and just fuck up all of my other future opportunities cause I just will screw up, and I love my friends and family but I feel I can’t connect, I don’t know how to talk about this. I feel like I’m faking this, but I feel suicidal sometimes, like I imagine hanging myself, slashing my wrists, taking a whole bottle of asprin, ect, ect. At the very least I’m starting to get a strong urge to cut again (it was a problem years ago but i stopped on my own and my family only found out later. Because it was previously a problem even cutting a little in November is a big thing) What should I do? I feel like its nbd but I want to talk about it and i know if I do everyone will freak out. I’m not going to actually follow through on it, don’t even want to, but I want to die sometimes. I just feel…… fucked up. idk. what should I do?

    • Hi Ayla,

      It sounds like you’re suffering from a form of depression, I agree. You need to talk to a professional. Can you talk to the counsellors at your school? What about your family doctor? These people are there to help you and they can tell you about the next steps. It may help you just to talk about how you’re feeling and get some more help and support.

      I don’t think you’re faking it and I don’t think you’re making it up. I think you’re just having a hard time right now and you need some help to get through it.

      If you feel like you can’t talk to your doctor or a counsellor, you can always call a helpline:

      Thank-you for reaching out here, but please be sure to reach out to a real, live professional too.

      – Natasha Tracy

  285. Hi, i was reading few of comment of all those people and i am so sorry for them, i am on more than 100 mg of morphin a day and lost of other kind of medication for anxity depression and stress, it’s been more than 7 years that i had a truck accident in which i almost lost my life, surgery of neck hip and fractors like 30. i have been in wsib whcih is worker compresation, they are pushing me so much to do things that i dont even can imajine i can get them right, so my stress and depresstion are getting higher and recently i start to think about suiciding and kill my self, i love to die, i am not scared and i will do it any moment, my doctor send me to specialist and he made me promise him to go to see him, tomorrow is my appointment and all depent of him, i’ll do it or not. i dont know you gonna tell me or not but i thanks you for your site and also for reading me , god bless you and all the poeple around us

  286. Have suffered from depression since 2006. Husband of 32 years is no help. If I do or say something he does not approve of then he responds by saying “it’s mental illness.” My family doesn’t understand and have distanced themselves from me. I worked for a group of psychiatrists for one week until one of the docs made fun of one of his patients during one of their weekly meetings (they didn’t know I suffer from depression). It was very difficult for me to have to sit through that meeting. As a result, my trust for a doctor/patient relationship is non-existent. I don’t want to bother anyone about my depression because they are all busy people and have problems of their own. My daughter says that suicide is a selfish act, but her actions indicate to me that she could care less if I live or die. I truly want the pain to end but have no where to turn.

  287. I’m between seven and ten, I really don’t want to die, but I feel it’s the only solution to my problem, I don’t see myself ever getting better, it’s just an on going cycle. In and out of jobs. Feeling on top of the world, to feeling like a piece of dirt trapped in carpet not able to move or interact with any thing or body. I’ve been on the Internet everyday at least 20 hours a day for three months trying to keep my mind off of suicide. I go thru ups and downs all day, I don’t have insurance, I don’t know how to get medical attention. I’m stuck. I’m scared I’m gonna do it soon. My relationships have dwindled to nothing. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to survive.

    • Hi Z,

      I hear you. I hear that you don’t want to die. People don’t. People want to live – they just want to live without such pain. I understand that.

      You do need help. You said you don’t know how to get it? See here:

      On that page there is information on helplines and if you scroll down, you’ll see a mental health services locator. You can find the services-provider nearest you. Many offer free services or services on a sliding scale based on income. If you call a helpline, they may be able to get you in touch with resources as well. And then there are groups like NAMI that are there to help (just Google your local chapter) who also may be able to point you to resources.

      My point here is that help is available. Go get some. You’re worth it. Your life is worth it.

      – Natasha Tracy

  288. I m on scale of 8-9. I have twice tried of dying and recently I will make a final attempt. living sucks..

  289. I’m about 9 on your scale. I am a 39 year old male. I’ve already lost everything my wife, possessions, car and went to jail. I’ve already tried twice to kill myself. I seen doctors in jail and out got meds that did nothing to stop or help.
    I’m just so exhausted from a extremely hard life don’t know why I keep trying……

    • I’ll be going to jail in a couple days. You’ve had it a lot worse than me but I understand much of your pain. Know that no matter what kind of things you’ve done in your past, you’re still a human being and deserve to live, even if you may not feel that way. I may not know you, but I believe you’ll make it through this. One of the most important things in life is persistence. You must persist in believing in yourself that you can get past this and it will happen, I promise. I’m not sure if you’re religious or not, but I’m atheist and every time I feel suicidal I tell myself that simply existing, even if it may be painful, is better than not existing. If you are religious, then just remember that God loves you and will always be there for you. You may feel like you have nothing, but just remember that I’ll be thinking of you and hoping the best for you in my heart.

      • Ty so much for your reply it helps to have a perspective from someone else Ty so much.
        I really hope you didn’t end up in jail it really sucks there had to do a lot of bad crap to keep from being a victim.

  290. I would say on your scale I’m at number 4, I have no idea why I’m so depressed! I have no girlfriend I have no job no money no life, once upon a time I had all those things roughly about 2 years ago. I think I’m mainly depressed because I’m not working and I have no money. I live with my mum step dad and sister who are all fine but for some reason I can’t stand being in the same room as them, I don’t get angry when I am in the same room as them I just don’t talk to them. And before anyone says “it’s just a phase your going through” I can assure you it’s not. I lost my job in December 2013 so it’s been 3 months out of work. Even when I go out with my friends I’m a depressing fucker and I have no idea why! I used to be fun, active, and all those good things but I’m just not the same person I was 2 years ago I’m not looking for advice or anything but it wouldn’t go a miss, I just have to tell someone and seeing as I can’t open up to my friends or family I thought I would do it here, I’m one of those people who helps everyone who needs it but no one is willing to help me. Do you know what I mean? I even listen to depressing song when I’m at my lowest, god knows why!? I’m definitely not attention seeking because I have never told anyone I’m so fucked up in the head at the moment anyway now that’s off my chest I will leave you guys to it see you later!

  291. Natasha
    I do thank you for your insight.
    Medication being not for me, I must rely on ECT or rTms. DBS and VNS are not available in my country.
    Best regards w.

  292. Natasha,
    thank you.
    i admire you perseverence would you mind my asking you a question?
    In what way was it painful?
    Did you experience headaches, confusion, mental fog, muscle soreness?
    How did it affect your memory from these days?
    Did you experience some mood shift at all?
    Why did you choose the treatment, basically what was your breaking point in the process of decision?
    How did you accept the fact that it did not help you. I was told its mylast resort and then, good bye.
    thank you very much.

    • Hi Wolfhound,

      I shall try to answer your questions:

      The pain comes from the electrostimulation and from the general anesthetic for me as I don’t think I have the best reaction to either of them. As you mentioned, the pain is primarily in headaches and muscle soreness. Confusion and mental fog were also present, particularly right after each treatment but also throughout.

      My memory from the time of the treatment has been affected as I don’t remember some of the things that went on around that time (that’s very typical). I haven’t detected any other issues with memory, however.

      I didn’t experience a mood shift. After 9 treatments I could have switched to bilateral (a stronger form of ECT) which might have worked, however, I elected not to do that due to my own personal concerns about cognitive deficits.

      I chose that treatment because I was at a very low point for a very long time and medications weren’t helping. For me, considering what else I had tried, it seemed like the logical next step. One of the things I think you have to remember, is that when you do ECT, you can stop at any time – just like I did and you also need to know that the effects on memory and other brain function get worse the more treatments you have. So, for the first few, there were no effects on my memory and thinking at all, but over time there were more, which is why I decided not to continue. So it’s not so scary when you realize that one treatment isn’t going to do anything drastic to you and if you find, over time, that you’re concerned and not seeing a benefit, you can elect to stop.

      The “breaking point” if you wish to put it that way, was when I found out how successful ECT was. It works in about 80% of cases of depression and I would have done anything to get better.

      It’s hard to accept when a last resort treatment doesn’t work, but the fact of the matter is, there are always more options out there. There is the stronger form of ECT, there’s rTMS, there’s VNS, there’s DBT and there is an infinite combination of medications. So you have to keep the faith that you _will_ find one that works, eventually.

      The fact is _nothing_ is truly a last resort. If you’re alive, there are always options to make you better.

      I hope that helps.

      – Natasha Tracy

  293. Natasha,
    thank you for your kind words.
    you know, when psychiafrists lose hope, what is the patient supposed to do?
    i do not think to be able to carry on the omnipresent suicidal pain for years. Hat off to everybody who is suicidal 24/7 and just carrying on for months and years.
    i know that your personal experience of ect was not good. I cannot find in what precisely, have you explained it somewhere?
    thank you in Dvance.w.

    • Hi Wolfound,

      I have written about doctors giving up on you, actually, as I have had that happen too:

      Most of my experience with ECT actually isn’t online at this time as I’m writing a book about it but basically I can tell you that I didn’t find it effective and, for me, it was painful. That being said, it wasn’t a horror story or anything like that, but it didn’t work for me. I am in the vast minority on this, however, as it does work for the majority of people.

      If you have specific questions about ECT, please do feel free to ask.

      – Natasha Tracy

  294. I’ve just read this blog, and I know (practically)n that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. However I’ve reached a stage in my life where I physically cannot function anymore. Last month I took an overdose and was unfortunately found. I had to see physciatrists, physchologists etc. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and the problem is I cannot afford follow up appointments, therefore, my meds will never be right. My life is a complete mess. My fiance is in rehab for six months for cocaine, my inlaws treat me like I’m garbage and constantly drag my name through the mud, yet are very nice to my face, I’ve been rejected by my father, I have an 18 month old little boy I’m trying to take care of and still work fulltime, so I’m always reminded of what a bad mother I am. On top of this I’m in a relationship that’s sucking the life out of me. Waiting for 6 months is a long time, but only his problems ever mattered. I’m so over my life. This time I’m making sure I get thr right medication and that there is no chance of anyone finding me. People may judge me as being selfish, but I can’t go on like this, I’ll end up mad. At least this way I can die with dignity. The suicide self assessment really hit the nail on the head when it came to describing how I feel. I ask one thing. Before you judge others who have commited suicide, try understand how desperate they might have been. Imagine that unhappiness that drives one to take such extreme measures. People always say there are alternative solutions to suicide, but in my case there isn’t. I have not one person to help me, and I’m susure other suicides have been in the same situation.

    • Hi Nicci,

      Actually, I’ve publicly written that I don’t believe that suicide is selfish. I believe that’s a popular myth. Suicide is something that people feel driven to because of pain. It has nothing to do with selfishness at all.

      Please know that there is a way out for you. I understand that you’re saying that there is no one in your life to support you. That’s very hard, but it’s not impossible to deal with. Know that there are agencies that will help you no matter what. Google NAMI and see if they have a local office. Use the facilities locator on this page to find mental health facilities near you that may be free or use a sliding scale of payment:

      It may feel like you’re at the end of your rope and it may feel like there’s no way out, but there is – you just need help and that help is available. You can always call a helpline, as well, for support.

      – Natasha Tracy

  295. Natasha
    thanks very much for replying. I value you blog and your help. In fact i have been readinv through your blog for days now even though i am not bipolar. Thanks for the work you do.
    The truth is nobody knows how to help. I have been to three hospitals. In the first two they simply did not know what to do. Then my husband moved me to the most prestigious clinic in my country. The doctor tries, but even tinybits of drugs give me psychic akathisia. Tiny bit of antipsychotics dyskinesia, even so small as 7 mg of remeron or 12 of quetiapine.
    Basically i feel like trapped in a tunnel with no entrance.
    considering ect. But i and the doctor have problems with adverse reaction to anestesia and relaxants…

    • Hi Wolfhound,

      I can understand feeling that way. I have felt that way so many times. Please don’t give up. It took years for me to find the right medication the first time – but it happened. I was a miracle when it did. All I can tell you is that even when it feels like the darkest of the dark, you are alive, so there is hope. Try to hang on. Lean on others. Let them carry the hope. But believe that it is out there.

      – Natasha Tracy

  296. Well, what to do when mental health system is of no help and my coping skills vanished?
    everybody say get help but where
    i have had adverse reactionsaaZ to almost all psychiatric drugs, in fact the drugs cases the suicidality
    and its increasing
    i am in a hospitalvand they tell me i am the most sensitive case they encoutered
    eminent psychiTrists cannot help me

    and i am number 10 for 3 days
    so what am i to do…

    • Hi Wolfhound,

      I’m sorry hear you’re feeling so awful right now. I know how hard that is. But I don’t believe that the mental healthcare system is of no help. It may not have been effective so far, but that doesn’t mean it never will be.

      Are you in therapy? That can help immensely.

      Have you considered ECT? It has a very different side effect profile than medications and it may help you very quickly.

      You may be very sensitive to medications, but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is. Please tell people you are at a 10 and please keep trying. It’s not over.

      – Natasha Tracy

  297. Im at a point where I wish to die. Ive been fighting suicidal thoughts for so many years now. I been considering going through with, ive made plans! Yet I dont know why im still fighting the thoughts of as best as I can. I suffer from MDD and it isnt getting better. Sometimes I wish I wasnt born. Sometimes I feel people are better off without me. I also keep having flash backs of abuse and tough hard things. I have called a suicide hotline and tried meds. Alot of it diesnt help? Do i need farther or more help then this?

  298. This is the best for everyone including myself…… I am tired of caring about everyone else and not getting the same in return people in church laugh it off. I don’t have medical insurance and I don’t have any friends…. its always been me by myself since I was 8… I am 33 now and just sooooo tired…….

  299. I am at a 9 I have already wrote my 5 page letter for those who care…… I am so tired of living I have been trying to talk to people including my family for months, but like I said no one really cares….. I tried to use some drugsand alcohol but that did not help things either……. I find this to be my only solution… Here’s it goes thanks for listening

    • Hi Wizxit,

      I’m sorry to hear that you’re hurting so much right now. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve nearly exhausted all the options though. I can understand how frustrating is when family seems not to care, but there are always others for us to talk to as well. Friends, faith leaders, professionals. They can all be there for you. They can all offer you hope and help make this pain you’re feeling go away.

      Death is _not_ the only solution. Many people want to help you. Reach out and let them:

      – Natasha Tracy

  300. I’m at a 10, I was at a 7 earlier this year.
    I’ve written my suicide note on Feb 9th but haven’t dated it because I didn’t feel the need to.
    I’m 21 years old and 4’10”. I want to be taller like my dream celebrity but I won’t. Ever. F*** my life. Clearly, a midget can’t survive this world! I’ve had ups and downs but it’s better to have a Lights Out! moment and never come back. I’ve already decided and asked for help (tips on how to do it) via Yahoo! Answers. I was thinking about stabbing myself, but I need the blow to be lethal and avoid getting the blade caught in-between my ribs. Someone suggested I take sleeping pills as those are more effective if I OD, so I will. Problem is, I might end up in a coma and damaging my organs (brain damage) instead of getting the job done. Maybe I should jump off a bridge instead, but who’s to say that’s lethal as well? I’m just looking for the right sleeping pills and pray God can forgive me before I do it once and for all (I hope I never come back). I’ll be somewhere else after this. Pray to God and have faith! Goodbye!

    • Hi Tiffany,

      I can understand wanting to look different. I have spent many crying nights wanting to look like someone else. But that’s focusing on the wrong thing. How you look has nothing to do with who you are or what you can achieve. Your inner amazingness has nothing to do with a genetic number.

      You’re in a thought-spiral right now and only death and suicide make sense – but believe me, that’s not rational – that’s exactly what doesn’t make sense.

      Please, reach out for help. Call a helpline. Right now. People _want_ to help you. Let them:

      Your life is special and worth saving. Death is not the answer.

      – Natasha Tracy

  301. Hi I been battling depression for some time moyer like 3yrs. I.think on my 30 birthday this will be best my mom want miss it because my twin sister is still there. Im tired of the hurt and pain. I can’t take it anymore. 3 years with help is way too long.

    • I’m a twin as well and feel same way u do…..I’m too ashamed to reveal this to anyone…may I email u please!!! I have to get my feelings out to anyone ! Thank you

  302. I am at an 8.5, about to be at a 9 after this weekend. I have already bought the gun and hollow tip bullets and am probably going to write the letters this weekend. I still need to pack a few things up and buy a few more things to keep from leaving a mess. I waited a year thinking this would get better, but I have come to the realization that it is too late. Even if I was to recover I have destroyed everything I had built for myself, in this past year, by isolating myself, in every aspect of my life. I’m sorry.

    • Hi Paine,

      Please reconsider your actions. I know a year sounds like a long time, but even with professional help, it can take a long time for things to get better. Them’s the breaks, as they say. It’s not pleasant, but there it is. When I first started receiving help for bipolar disorder it took 2 years for me to find a medication that worked. But, believe me, it was well worth the wait. It is _not_ too late. You may not have what you once did, but you have what you have today.

      Don’t be sorry. Just reach out for help. People are out there and _want_ to help you:

      – Natasha Tracy

  303. I deal daily with chronic pain. This morning i was slow to get up and going and my wife of 15 years consoled me by saying, “you are lazy!”. I then proceeded to tell her that i have been contemplating suicide and her response was, “you are an idiot!”. Thinking about takinv this while bottle of hydrocodone!

  304. Cause and effect on the alcohol. Written by amateur. Fighting this over 35 years. Alcohol numbs till maybe the person can be saved.

  305. 9 1/2.

    Everything is in place and almost ready. Now just waiting for two 18-lb pet feeders and a 4 gal. pet water dispenser to arrive from amazon, expected to arrive tomorrow. Don’t expect anyone to find my corpse for weeks because I am a very lonely, alone person. I don’t want my cats to chew my body. Not that I will care by that time, but I don’t want to gross out whoever does eventually find me.

    Have already successfully alienated my 2 adult kids by telling them not to contact me. Will be easier for them if they hate me before I die. Some small part of me wishes it hadn’t been so easy to push them away though.

    But now nothing holds me here. I am fubar. Domestic violence PTSD and severe depression without health insurance or access to help.

    • I’m so sorry for your situation. I’m bipolar, going through a pretty hard depression right now, just trying to focus every moment that it shall pass. I don’t want to convince you about anything, but I guess that if you are writing is because you need someone no understand your pain, and I do. I just want to say to you a couple of things, there’s always a way to find help if you want to feel better, doesn’t mind the money. As I said I’m bipolar, diagnosed since I was pretty young, after my first hospitalization (at 18) mi family didn’t take me back home, and I had to find a way to pay for a roof, food, and a treatment. Now, like 15 years later I am finally stable economically, not perfect, but stable, better in my mood (though now I’m depressed) etc. I have a good relation with my parents, but we never talk about the topic, so when I’m not good I’m on my own, and I know it. What I want you to see is that never mind how adverse is the picture, if you feel a little bit of hope it’s worth it to keep fighting. The thing that used to keep me hanging in there when I was younger, was the idea that I didn’t want to die without feeling really happy and peaceful dor one day (since I used to be depressed since 10, with few tiring episodes of mania, but didn’t remember feeling happy). Now, I have been there (peaceful and happy) and I know is worth it hanging in there because I want to feel that again. If you feel like you can write me to

      Hope you feel better

    • Hi Calvin,

      No, it’s not “bad,” it may just mean that you need to reach out. Holding it off is good, but when it comes, you need to know what to do too. Maybe it’s time to get a bit more outside help?

      – Natasha Tracy

  306. Not sure where I should start, but I have been dealing with anxiety related mental disorders and from them I might have developed depression and suicidal thoughts. I generally range from 1 and 2 on your scale, not sure if I would manage to score higher maybe 3. When I feel at the lowest and I want die, then I think about the methods what to use then usually end up reasoning with my self that any physical pain is much worse that mental pain whether that correct assumption or wrong and that failed try will have much worse consequences than successful one fair as I’m personally concerned. So I end up reasoning I want to die, but I don’t put myself trough all that physical pain to achieve that goal. So I end up settling for i want die but I will not do anything about this feeling, so when I go to bed I just wish that when I go down to the bed to sleep I will never wake up again.

    I will though have to say it but I took self-help course related to anexity not so long go and one of the things pointed out there has actually opened my eyes a bit, that what your feelings are might actually be wrong.

  307. Hi, I’m bipolar, and been suicidal loads of times. Even try. But I’ve been better last year, I usually feel ok, the continue thought or urge of ending my life has end. I actually like living. However, sometimes, like out of nothing, just feel like I need to kill myself in that moment. Is horrible then, but eventually disappear, then I continue feeling Ok, and not thinking about suicide, (even feeling guilty because for many years I wanted to), until this urge returns (weeks or months later) and I swear that in the moment feels really hard not to do something, (try to kill myself, or hurt myself, crash the car on purpose, etc…) It had never happened to me (that way) until last year, I don’t feel I can classify as suicidal, but I don’t think that’s normal,

    Anybody else’s experience this?

  308. I’m 15, My life sucks And I am battling depression. My personality is pessimistic so my battle with depression is a lot harder to fight. My mom has fibromialgia and she works. I have no contact with my father because he left me and my mom when I was 2. Hes an alcoholic, my mom use to be one. My father didnt care about anyone but himself. The only thing that has kept me alive for so long is my dog. My depression started when my next door neighbor got hit by a dump truck while she was going to work. It took the paramedics 3 hours to get to her. She died on the way to the hospital. She was no
    ordinary next door neighbor. She was like astep
    mother to me while my mom was going throught chemotherapy. Then I have gone through 10 other family deaths. So I have lost alot of people and I dont want to get close to anyone so I dont have friends. And I cant stand people at all. I cant talk to anyone because I dont know anyone because I dont want to get close to anyone. I want my life suffering to end. Yeah I might be good at drawing but I cant draw something without death coming into the picture. My dog might like me but he doesnt understand what I go through everyday. Everyday is a battle for me to wake up, eat, and go to school. I have thousands of admin. And staff get on to me anouI’m 15, My life sucks And I am battling depression. My personality is pessimistic so my battle with depression is a lot harder to fight. My mom has fibromialgia and she works. I have no contact with my father because he left me and my mom when I was 2. Hes an alcoholic, my mom use to be one. My father didnt care about anyone but himself. The only thing that has kept me alive for so long is my dog. My depression started when my next door neighbor got hit by a dump truck while she was going to work. It took the paramedics 3 hours to get to her. She died on the way to the hospital. She was no
    ordinary next door neighbor. She was like astep
    mother to me while my mom was going throught chemotherapy. Then I have gone through 10 other family deaths. So I have lost alot of people and I dont want to get close to anyone so I dont have friends. And I cant stand people at all. I cant talk to anyone because I dont know anyone because I dont want to get close to anyone. I want my life suffering to end. Yeah I might be good at drawing but I cant draw something without death coming into the picture. My dog might like me but he doesnt understand what I go through everyday. Everyday is a battle for me to wake up, eat, and go to school. I have thousands of admin. And staff get on to me anout me taking ADHD meds. So if you think that someone could change my mind good luck. If your going to reply then please write to me before 12/10. Thanks

    • Hi Alice my name is Rich. I’m sure you have heard all the reasons why not to… Believe it or not when your that young unless you have a desease you can get through this without anyones help. If you can eat anything and can sleep good and have no allergies you can exercise your way and eat healthy to get more positive. it’s the only way. Your so young your body will change fast. Then try to gain just one person you can trust who is a positive person,religous,just someone at any church.Library.even if you cant get close to people.just try.once you exercise and you eat more veggies and fruits you will most likely cut your bad thoughts down.If you can cut it in half you can gain a better attitude usually. Just try this first you have nothing to lose. I did it when I was young and made a great life for awhile. I made the mistake of not having a persistant relationship with god.that comes after you fix your health a little.Just pray a little too if you can. If your healthy stop buy a pet store or book store and visit things that get your mind off the things that annoy you or trigger negetive thoughts. i’m in far worse shape Than you,but not everyone is the same and I feel the same way for differant reasons.try to get through the next month by what I told you. If you need help go to a church,say a little prayer and Ask just one person for help. you only have a year and you can try to get a job. Find any books or movies or things you like to do. your young. There is a whole country/world out there. You can get aapiece of it anyway you choose. But keep the relatonship with God that’s the biggest mistake I and most people make. I am terminally ill so I see a way out for you being so young. But I do understand. Where are you from? I’m near philly. Rich

      • Thank you for the reply and I dont know if I said this in the last post but I have to dea l with MRSA it is a type of flesh eating disease. I have to deal with an IV in my arm 24/7 and that medicine makes me feel like I’m just about to throw up so I can hardly eat anything. I will try my hardest to do what you said and I wont end it this year but I still have it in my mind though.

        • Hi Alice, Is the condition curable? If you stick it out? I have an autoimmune desease that makes it almost impossible to eat and I cant sleep without drugs or drinking. And have severe anxiety,so I know some of what you feel. you still go to school ? i will look up your desease. I’m very sorry and curious. consider me a friend,please! You need friends who undestand.I do and so do I. We must stick together. Like I said,I need you too. We can try to get through this together. Just try praying and think about something you love,even if it’s a dog or see yourself gettting better. I have a very hard time with this too. If you can go to the nearest church,they may help a little or alot. I go as much as I can.I lay in there even if noone is there. I will pray for you and ask the church to pray for you. They bareley know me but they pray for me. If the med can cure you can get through this,You are young,That doesn’t mean everything but It does give you an edge in most situations. My direct Email is You could call me too 4848441295

        • Alice I have 4 kids,one 16 girl and one 13 boy ,11 boy,20 girl. God kept me with them.I fight very horrible weird allergies too that makes me very sick all the time and hard to breathe alot. i have copd too so i have to force myself to ride my bike to clear my lungs. no meds agree with me. I know how you feel. My wife treats me like **** most of the time… Somrtimes shes ok when she feels like it….

    • man i’m replying to you to see if you reply, rather a convoluted statement that, before writing stuff that you might not read or be interested in anyway. let me know buddy, i’ll just tell ‘ya it’s a mighty small world out there.

        • alice…like alice in wonderland :) so life..lifeis just incredibly flamboyant and infinitive. Have you read Tunnel Vision or Bell Jar ? Dandy movies. Well I just wanted to say that I feel that darkness and hopelessness sometimes aswell, like every breath is a poisonous lie and every step I take stabs a point in to my heart. But in every tunnel, there is a way out.. the tunnel can sometimes feel long and never-ending, you can sit and just stare at the darkness..but keep walking, there is an end to every beginning and when you arrive to the end, it may be night..just wait ..and when you see the sunrise, it will feel lke its the very first time those beautiful rays hit your being. then nothing will be able to stop you. People will see the suns rays living in you. you will feel the difference and make the difference. I feel like my life is pretty shitty and everything around me is falsely redempted, but there is hope in HOPElessness ..see what I did there. well recently ive been volunteering at convalescnets and tutoring kids. Those young an old are eager to receive and share.. because you need each other..there are moments of everything though. Hold to truth love. and then my only hope is Peace Corps where you voluntarily go for 2 years and help those that are simply living in love and grace. Check it out dude..great stuff. Alice, your in this world..and let the past make you better, never bitter. You count and all the stuuf you go through is raw and unphony, it builds you and breaks you, but your real. I Love You alice honest. I can feel your heart beating and in this moment that’s all that matters. You are infinite. hey have you listend to Mumford and Sons or Bon Iver…really real real beauty. anyway i’ll see you in Peace Corps somewhere in Africa or India in a couple of years, im almost 17 so one more year you know.. Alice The Great

  309. I have gone from being a consistent 8 on the scale to a 3 or less these days. I just wanted to let people know that it does get better, even if it may take years, you can feel better.

  310. I could just be very unlucky, but in my experience health professions are unwilling to do anything at all before a person hits 7 or so. I’ve been between a 2 and 6 for over a year and very open about this with my GP and therapist, and apart from a “if you start making plans, let us know”, they do nothing. They’re well aware that in the past I’ve been a 6 up until the point that I’m a 10 – that I’ve never made any plans in past suicide attempts.

  311. Pingback: Natasha Tracy's Levels of Suicidality - Catholic Bandita

  312. That’s not true, it doesn’t get better, and if yh tell a M professiona who is a mandated reporter of suicide, y will be locked up for sure. So y can never really be honest about your bipolar illness, its just a matter of time…see the statistics. WE have a very fragmented MH system.

  313. i will give you my story and you give me a solution..
    firstly i stay in a family where studies are given the utmost importance… every person in my family has a goal and they are well on the way to reaching it…every person in my family is sucessfull…and here i am the only one who managed to fail not once but twice n my finals….. for this i am branded a failure and a dud by my mother… what she said could be true but the other reason of why i failed was because i had a lot of tension and passed out on the exam table…after which i have been under a lot of pressure from my family…. secondly i am considered to be socially challenged i haven’t had a friend in anyone in the past because i am not out-going , i don’t talk to people, i feel shy when i talk to them…i also fumble most of the time and i always end up hurting someone with my words accidentally..and it has been quiet hard for me looking at the amount of fun i see others having with their friends… not a single person in my family or school can be called a friend…no one to share my emotions with.. i stumbled across your page while i was looking out for options on how to commit suicide…. and fyi i have tried to commit suicide 4 times in the past but they never worked… i usually wanted to go in for more discreet ways which don’t shout out ‘suicide’ because i don’t want my family to go with the disgraced look on their faces that a member among them had committed suicide cuz committing suicide in my culture is a very shame full and disgraceful act…

  314. Hey Natasha i came across your column when i was looking up how much Vicodin does it take to OD, i think of dying quit often sometimes there is periods of time when i don’t, it seems i cannot handle my emotions and when issues come up that are to emotional for me to figure out my mind goes directly to wanting to die. Its very discouraging when this happens cause there is no reason to feel sad, mad, anxious but it happens all to often. i have told my therapist about this and he was the one to notice the correlation between my emotions and suicidal thoughts but i dont think he really thinks i will ever act on it. So far i have kept it to myself because if you tell, people worry and i cant tell my kids because it freaks them out. i am just waiting till a thought kicks in strong enough so i can do it and end all the madness. thanks mary

    • Hi Mary,

      If you’re just waiting for a strong enough urge to commit suicide, you need help – NOW. Please think about your children. Please think about what it would be like for them not to have a mother. Please know that you’re important, not only to them, but to others too.

      I’ve put together a list of suicide resources, please take a look at them:

      There are people who can help you through this. You don’t have to live this way. You don’d have to live a life where all you want is death. Believe me, there are other options for you.

      People need you. People care about you. Your life matters.

      – Natasha Tracy

  315. I suffer from severe chronic pain which is not easily controlled. I have had this condition for 12 years and the last 6 or 7 have been a living hell. I have contemplated ending it all for most of those years and I now feel sure that is how my life will end. I only hesitate because of someone in my life that I cannot hurt in this way. I am too young to live another 40 odd years like this and can’t believe I would be so lucky as to die by some natural or accidental means. Your description of how suicidal ideation progresses is pretty accurate, but believe me, health professionals and therapists do not always take these things seriously. Maybe it is because of my physical pain, they agree I would be better off dead but cannot ethically tell me so, I don’t know. I have told three different individuals (one of them on three different occasions) how much I struggle with this at times and all they seemed concerned with was whether I had “A Plan”. I do not have an imminent intention of carrying this out, but my struggle is that it would be so easy. I know how to go about it, I have what I would need, I know it would be quick. One of them told me that it’s common for people in chronic pain to feel this way but what would really concern them would be if I was planning to walk out of the room and hurt myself that day. I gave up on therapy, so far I’ve managed to keep myself alive with no help from anyone I approached. I know people will think I’m hard and self centred and wonder how I can cause so much pain to people I love. I do care – but I am in pain every moment of every day and have been for many years. Apart from the one who will be gone before me, I cannot see that they will suffer even as many years of pain over losing me as I have already lived with. It’s just sad, I never imagined my life would come to this.

    • Hi Meggie,

      I do not have a chronic pain condition, so I can’t say that I know how you feel, but I do know how it feels to want to die to end the pain, day after day, week after week, month after month, and even year after year. I know that feeling. I know it well.

      While I can’t promise you that it will get better, I can promise change, because change happens to us all. Pain changes too. I know it feels like it never will, but that’s not true. Everything in life, both good and bad is subject to change, but you have to hang on to find it.

      Please read this:

      Like I said, I recognize your pain. It’s real. And it’s completely reasonable to want to escape it. But there are more things to live for, I promise.

      – Natasha Tracy

  316. I have no family, friends, just me alone nobody to listen or care to nobody here in my darkest hour and it hurts

  317. I have lost will to live, jobless, homeless, penniless, no family, no hope no strenght cant find any good in another day in a world of opportunity if you qualify based on credit score its hopeless

    • Hi Victoria,

      I’m sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. It must be very hard to deal with.

      But I don’t believe you don’t have any strength. You have posted here and that takes strength. You read this article and that takes strength. You have reached out and that takes strength.

      Your situation may seem hopeless and I understand that but many of us have seen hopeless and moved beyond it. I don’t say this to be a cheerleader, only to remind you that it is possible.

      Maybe you could reach out to a local advocacy group like possibly a church or a NAMI (or similar) group for help. These people normally know about your local resources much more than someone like me would.

      And please remember, there are always sources and hotlines available to help you. You reached out here and you can reach out there too:

      – Natasha Tracy

  318. I don’t seem to fit in any kind of “mold” for this… What I have to say will probably shock most people, so I wish to remain anonymous.

    I’m 43, married for over 20 years now, with 7 children, and yes, they are all mine – 6 with my wife & 1 from a previous relationship. I am a former US Marine, and my wife is the most beautiful creature to walk the earth. Whether you believe it or not, my wife and I currently earn over $35,000 per MONTH, and yet we still have trouble making ends meet.
    No, we do not live in a big mansion, and we do not live in a fancy neighborhood. We live out in the country, on some land…
    Last night, I loaded a Colt Python .357 with a single hollow point round, cocked the hammer & placed it to my temple. Had it not been for my wife & her intervention, I would not be writing this now. But, it doesn’t stop there… Several months ago, while celebrating our 20th anniversary on a cruise, I got out of hand again & ended up hanging off the side of the ship, literally with one hand & again would have simply let go if it hadn’t been for the intervention of my wife.

    What in the hell is wrong with me? I own 2 very successful businesses & operate a thriving online business. Why am I like this? Is there anyone out there that genuinely cares & that’s not just trying to get something from me???

    • Hi Jason,

      It’s OK. Lots of us don’t fit the mold. People speak in generalities but we’re all individuals and we all are just a little bit different.

      But no matter how you’re feeling right now, I promise you, you’re not alone. People often feel that they are because they think they are “crazy” or a “freak” but you’re not. You’re just as crazy and as freaky as me. As a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re a person.

      As a former US Marine you may already be aware of thing but many veterans have a very hard time adjusting to civilian life. In fact, that rate of suicide among veterans is something like 8 times higher than the average. This is because vets suffer from post-traumatic stress – PTSD. There is nothing wrong with a person who experiences this. PTSD just _happens_ to some vets. It’s not their fault and there’s nothing wrong with them and they are not weak.

      Of course, I don’t know you, but that would be the first giant, red flag for me. Please see this site and it’s associated book for more information on this. It’s a very important topic and doctors are recognizing it more and more:

      Secondly, it’s important to remember that suicide can happen to _anyone_. It doesn’t matter how much money you make or how much you love your family, suicide can happen. There is nothing wrong with you because of it. Suicide is part of an illness, if not PTSD then likely depression. And it’s the illness that’s making you want to kill yourself, not your life. Your life might be perfect! And still, an illness can make you want to die. Believe me, I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it.

      Please, please get help. Please know that you are not alone. Please know that there are people out there to help you. You might want to check out the VA’s National Center for PTSD: