Out there, in the world, we must be asked how we are 20 times a day. People ask it on the phone, in line at the grocery store, face-to-face and pretty much anywhere two humans intersect with each other. And, of course, the answer to the question as to how you are is, “I’m fine.” And there’s nothing wrong with that as an answer, really. The person who asked the question likely doesn’t want to know how you really are anyway.
But what about when you tell your friends and family that you’re fine when really you’re anything but? What about when you lie your heart out, tacitly or no, showing and saying that everything is “normal” and peachy-keen? What about when you are a big, fat liar to those that you love?
Lying about Bipolar Disorder
I believe most of us without well-controlled bipolar disorder do this all the time. Who wants to answer the how are you question with, “I’m horrendously depressed,” or “I feel a mania coming on,” or “I’m in pain because of my self-harm from last night?” No one, that’s who.
I’m a Bipolar Liar
But all this lying takes a toll on your soul. No one likes being a liar. No one enjoys having to lie to people. It feels like living two separate lives – the one that exists in bipolar suffering at home, and the one that people perceive thanks to our lies.
Being a Liar is Another Reason to Hate Yourself
People with bipolar disorder tend to have low self-esteem so the kicker is, all this lying is just another reason to hate ourselves. Perhaps it shouldn’t be. Perhaps it should be seen as an understandable reaction to an impossible situation, but the sick side of our brain’s looks for reasons to hate and this is one that’s easy to cling to.
I’m Sorry for Lying about Bipolar Disorder
I feel sorry for lying about bipolar disorder so much; I do. I just don’t see any way around it. I think it’s best for me and it’s best for the people around me. No one wants to get bogged down in my bipolar reality all the time and I understand that. Let’s face it, I sure wouldn’t want it, but I’m forced to do it anyway.
But somehow I have to find a way to forgive myself. I have to find a way to forgive my parallel lives. I have to find a way to forgive my lies – even if I hate them.
I think the secret to this is telling the truth whenever possible (even when we don’t want to) and to let ourselves off the hook for the rest. I think that sometimes we lie when we could tell the truth, when the person really does want to know how we really are, but we lie anyway. It’s convenient. It avoids their worry. It probably avoids an uncomfortable conversation.
But uncomfortable conversations are a part of life as is worry and maybe it’s worth telling the truth when we don’t want to just to have an honest piece of our lives. To have a safe space where one person really knows how we’re doing. Maybe that safe space is all we need. It’s a breath in an otherwise choking disorder.
(Oh, and I know some people aren’t going to like the title. What can I say, sometimes I use the English language in a correct way that ticks people off.)
I always enjoy your articles but I do need to be a little picky about something… I am not Bipolar; I have Bipolar. I am not the illness. The illness is something I have and I fight the fight daily. I feel that saying I am Bipolar can imply I gave up the fight, which I will never do. I was in education for eight years and I have seen how changing the wording makes some people feel less stigmatized with whatever label they may have… One student’s parents refused the diagnosis of ADHD because they felt it defined the child (unfortunately without the diagnosis the school could not provide extra services that would have been helpful but that is a whole different mess). I don’t know but I personally felt that when I stopped saying I am Bipolar and started saying I have Bipolar, it helped my way of thinking about it. I know people that feel the same about other illnesses (diabetes). And I notice in my life when I said “I am” people react differently than what they do now when I say “I have”.
Thank-you for your honesty, I enjoyed the article.
I’ve started lying about it because being honest just pisses me off because no one wants to hear it. At first I tried explaining my moods/behavior/etc. but all I ever get back is “Oh, I do that all the time.” If I try to tell them why it’s different than just an occasional mood change, they think I’m exaggerating. If these were just occasional friends and co-workers, I wouldn’t bother. But the two closest people to me just don’t seem to want to believe this is real. They think I’m being a hypochondriac, and really don’t want to hear it.
I wonder if they ever realize the fact that I have lived alone for the past 20+ years isn’t because I want to? Or I’m just selfish? It’s really frustrating because at 58 it finally got bad enough I had to leave work. I work in IT and finally got exhausted trying to do what were once simple tasks. I’m out for now on medical leave, and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I just wish I had someone besides my doctor who will listen and take it seriously.
Actually, it isn’t just my doctor – I have a Labrador retriever, and he listens to everything I say. If I didn’t have him right now I think I’d blow my brains out. Sorry to say that, but it’s what’s inside me.
I recently found this site and it has helped me to feel better. I think I will send the link to my husband. After a long marriage and divorce I was fortunate to meet my husband five years ago. He is amazing and loves and supports me, but sometimes I throw him for a loop. Just the nature of the roller coaster that is bipolar.
I have a strong aversion to lying. I demand honesty from the people I am close to and in return am honest with them. “I’m not doing well right now” works with my husband and my best friends. They know it will past and sometimes I need time alone. And sometimes being alone is the worst thing, even though I say that is what I need. I’m always amazed when those closest to me recognize when being alone is the worst thing. It takes a lot of unconditionally love and support to live with someone that is bipolar. I am fortunate to have found that at this point in my life. I am 50 and for many years was diagnosed off and on with severe depression. In 2008 I was hospitalized and finally diagnosed correctly. Looking back it is clear to me I finally have the correct diagnosis.
I agree in general how are you? is common politeness and no one expects an honest answer, so at work or to the general public “I’m fine how are you?” is acceptable and not a lie. Like others I don’t normally share that I am bipolar, people just don’t know how to respond . Let those close to you support you. That has been my biggest challenge. Accepting help and support. I’ve learned no matter how bad it gets it will always get better again with time, and support. Oh, and find a good therapist. Sometimes I go months without seeing my therapist but when I need her she is always there.
First of all let me tell u how helpful I find your website. After just being hospitalized for the second time gorgeous 6 weeks my meds have still to do their job. The only person I feel I can be completely honest with is my husband. He’s my rock he just listens and is there for me. Most of my friends and family just don’t get it and they never will so am I just supposed to put on my happy face and say great or start crying and say crappy. They all seem to be at the point of being sick of listenenig to it.
none of the mood stabilizrs work for me & I’m afraid of lithium.
This is so true for me, I think that I will have to send a link to this page to all my family so they can read about how I feel, because of some of my other disorders I have difficulty saying or writing how I feel and this explains me perfectly! Thanks for writing this!!
Hi, I have a real problem with lying, I don’t just lie about my mood, I lie about my capabilities, about what I’ve done during the day, about anything that could give away that I’m not fine, just to get people off my back. Till everything blows up and the lies just get too much. Just last week I drove to a neighboring town 70km away just to get away from having to tell my parents that I failed to go to a test because of a panic attack. The panic attack I guess also was a result of lying to everybody,…. not completely,…. It’s as if I’m just scared most of the time and then dissociate from my fear and then lie.
I don’t really know what my goal with this comment is. Maybe somebody else might find the essence.
Thanks for writing this article
I lie. All the time. I keep thinking of that saying, if the people in your life are constantly bringing you down they need to go. I don’t want to go. I have no friends as it is. I don’t want to chase away the acquaintances I have. I don’t ever want to again hear my husband say, “where’s the happy person I married?”. So, I suffer in silence. No one wants to really know how I feel. When I’m depressed no one understands. They use to try to cheer my up by telling me how wonderful my life is, how lucky I am to have my husband, kids, grandkids, yada, yada, yada. Depression doesn’t work like that. I’m not sad for any particular reason. I’d love to scream at the world, “look at me!!!!! I’m suffering and no one knows it but me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I think it’s important not to associate with your current mood, since being bipolar your moods can change with the wind. When you come down from mania, you can’t believe what you did while manic – when you’re manic you can’t believe what you were being depressed about in the first place and LIFE IS GREAT. So who are you really?? I think it’s easier to say the mood swings are a mindset change, and therefore our feelings are based on the types of thoughts we are thinking. It’s better to not associate with the thoughts, and see them just as thoughts and not YOU who exists in the present moment. That negative voice in your head when you’re depressed is just a shadow part of your self. Be aware that bipolar is like having a split personality, and that shadow self is the negative voice which is saying “you are depressed” “you are lying about how you are feeling to others” “you are no good” But remember the part of you that is needing to lie and is saying “I am fine” when you are not, is your TRUE SELF, even though your emotions are not aligning with that true self and how it SHOULD feel, your true self knows best and wants you to be HAPPY. So don’t listen to your shadow self, don’t see that part of you as you, but just a shadow that will always follow you, but don’t listen to it or feed it anything. Listen to your true self and your true desires, don’t live in fear and guilt about lying about how you want to feel. That’s a sure way of staying depressed which only confirms what your shadow self is saying. The simple truth is you are not your thoughts, so stop identifying with them, and pay attention to what type of thoughts you focus on.
I usually answer “don’t ask” to my family. “I’m fine’ to all others unless my boss asks and then I tell the truth because I am bound to in a verbal agreement with him. He only asks when he knows I’m struggling. He is sympathic now when once he was not. Once he was a bully around my bi-polar disorder. We joke about him having a brain disorder re-allignment facilitator buried somewhere underneath all the crap in his garage that he means to loan me once found. But to anyone else, my emotional health is off limits.
When people ask me how Im doing, I often respond with, “Im here.” Not sure where I developed that answer but it doesnt provide insight one way or another. The assistances at my psychologist’s office are so use to my answer they laugh as they ask and give the answer before I can. I do get in trouble with my doctors for giving them this answer despite me not being okay.
Oh how timely…..
There’s this awful dynamic in my marriage – my wife wants to ask me how i feel but I really don’t think she wants to hear the answer. I want her to ask and I want her to be fine with ‘I feel like curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor and crying my eyes out… how are you?’
But she does let me know she cares in her own way – more from little gestures and from giving me some space when I’m feeling the darkness. And sometimes that’s more than enough.
I don’t lie but for the most part I don’t tell. There are a few people in my inner circle who know but they need to know. I’m not going to dump this on anyone who can’t handle it or doesn’t have a reason to know. So I lie. So what?
What of the moments when you really are fine? I’ve taken my meds, feel stabilized. Sure a few blips here and there, but over all, feeling genuinely “FINE”.
However anyone wants to express their condition, it is their right. Just because you’re bipolar, it doesn’t mean you won’t have a good day once in a while.
Be well.
To avoid this debacle of asking people how they are I just say “it’s nice to see you.”
F*I*N*E* = Fucked up * Insecure * Neurotic*Emotional… at least, this is the version of it that I am aware of and many many times when someone cordially asks “How are you?” and I know, without doubt, they are so not truly interested… I’ll go “I’m fine.” with this as the meaning to only me. When someone, typically negative and condescending goes about asking… I answer the same but with a big smile on my face. Neither type questioner really cares to know.
I DO NOT tell folks that I have Bipolar. I simply do not.
I just got hired on within a large hospital system and to be accepted, I had to go through a very lengthy Health Assessment. It had everything; “fits/convulsions, nervous breakdown, mental disorders, psychotic episodes, etc.” of which IF you were honest – you’d had to check and then explain in detail…. at that point a nurse, within their employee health clinic, would assess you for Employment Readiness.
If she voted “no” – your offer would be rescinded. If she voted “yes”, then all great.
I didn’t note my mental health history NOR my seizure history. I knew that I’d not pass go. I did note my carpal tunnel history and my car wreck in 2007. I got a email full of questions regarding both and had to sit and be “reviewed” by the nurse within the first 3 days of employment.
When I go to a medical facility and if new to it, I simply do not include MI in my history. I’ve been medically “judged” and/or scrutinized before and I want to be taken seriously when I come for medical assistance.
Really… I just do not.
A lot of people’s comments make too much of Natasha’s use of the word “lying.” It’s just an accurate word for what she’s talking about. The rest of the article is ABOUT how this type of circumspection is not really lying in any moral sense. So I’m cool with it. (It also grabs your attention, which is what headlines are for.)
I routinely lie in response to pro forma “How are yous?” just to keep the gears of social interaction greased. It’s necessary. But I also sometimes lie when I am becoming very ill — BECAUSE I’m becoming very ill. I have all sorts of delusions and self-hatreds that compel me not to speak a word of them to anyone because they are right and they have plans for me.
Lying is connected to suicide too. When someone kills himself, people often say they “didn’t see it coming,” he “didn’t seem depressed,” etc. The habit of not telling anyone about your inner turmoil is to blame for a lot of preventable suicides. People just don’t want to “burden” anyone with their bipolar “drama” to such an extent that they can’t even mention their growing suicidal thoughts. Plus it’s so hard to tell when you’ve crossed the line between “normal” turmoil and oncoming suicide. And if you’re really suicidal you don’t want anyone to know because they would stop you.
Lying is a double-edged sword for people with bipolar disorder, more so than for other chronic medical conditions. Observing social conventions can lead to other types of lying that can even cost you your life.
I ran a singles ad in the local music rag a long time ago. I guess it was 15 years ago, about the time I was correctly diagnosed. My guess is that I was hypomanic because singles ads are not my cup of tea.
I spoke to two ladies but I knew I had to tell them about my condition. I decided to talk a while with them and let them know right off the bat. I’m fine but I do have bipolar disorder. Both of these women had bipolar friends and both really did not like these friends because they drove them nuts! These people left skid marks and the smell of burning rubber when they ‘left.’
I believe that being upfront is best for me. They could have wasted a lot of my time.
Don’t we all,as not only sufferers of mental health issues..as HUMANS..wear a mask?
To show to the outside world,yes we’re fine?
Anyway,I’ve learned dropping the mask is very much like losing weight.
Feeling of relief,though the mask still goes on now and then.
More then than now.
There should be no shame equated with any illness.
We are all imperfect beings,so ….
Without regret today,
Sandra in Canada.
Hugs to u all courageous individuals going thru same experience,cheers.
Yes I relate!
Bipolar is so shitty and stigmatized all over the world.
Drs can be disrespectful idiots likely got their degrees from web MD site!
Bullshit treatment,I’ve had shrinks tell me to go home kill myself then,if my illness is that shitty!
That is crap.
Plenty of hospitals,med cocktails,ECT,you name it.
Self injury,suicide attempts…don’t we all feel we need a vacation from our raging minds?
Well,I do.
Anyways,cheers from a half Brit living in Canada.
As we plug along…..blah.
Hugs.
Interesting post, and thank you, as always.
I think there is a difference between outright lying (saying it is day when it is, and I know it is, night ) and the type of lying I can fall into (saying that day is night because I truly believe it is night). Sometimes I fall into the latter posture without even knowing it. Or a dream or some other fantasy imprints and them becomes real…so again, I don’t think I’m lying.
I also feel like sometimes those close to me get tired of hearing it when I’m left of center….and yes, that is my feeling and may not be reality.
“as well as can be expected”
I have concluded that there are three types of people who can be a friend to someone with mental illness.
1. Other people with mental illness
2. People who have first degree relatives with mental illness and have grown up with it
3. People who are mental health professionals or students.
Other people who have no experience of mental illness do not get it. They give bad advice, get annoyed with the person, and don’t know how to relate, having no frame of reference.
I do agree to some extent. How many times have I heard, just go to the gym or if you eat more healthily or if you use your computer less, you will feel better (Most of these might be true). By people who don’t really get what it means to be really depressed. My mom only learned through time how to handle me. At the beginning she started to panic badly when I got depressed and made everything worse.
But then again, we cannot be protected by how people should react to us, but rather have to face people who do not know how it is, and I guess, even people who don’t know can be good friends, simply by being there during the good times, or simply being there to hang out with and forgiving you for the bad times.
I have problems with the word “lying” in this context.
First of all, I don’t think people intentionally lie about bipolar. There is a bit of a learning curve when first diagnosed. If a person CHOOSES to be open, they should at least be informed and ready to talk about it. NOT when they are confused and overwhelmed.
Also, bipolar isn’t the same for everyone. Take one of my depressive episode as an example. My experience was mostly exhaustion – I mean heavy in the limbs kind of exhaustion. I’m talking about sleeping for 12 hours and still dog tired, exhaustion. I missed a few classes and one day I walked in to see my student number up on the board with a note that said, “If you see your number on the board, please see me”. Probably it was the way I looked, the way I talked, but it was apparent to HIM that I was depressed (he was a psych professor), but not me. You see, I don’t think depression always expresses itself in an emotional way. It can manifest physically, or your energy level is just low. So how do you communicate this? Most likely, you wouldn’t. Would I take an incident like this seriously? Now I would – since I know more about its nuances, but certainly not then. Would I call this lying? Absolutely not.
Also, as Julia pointed out, the act of asking is not necessarily done out of an honest concern. I remember a friend called me and asked, “How are you?” When I replied, “I’m feeling down in the dumps.” She responded with, “Yeah, me too. You would not believe all the crap that happened to me!” And proceeded to talk about HER crisis. I could have interrupted, but I was too tired.
Also, this article makes many assumptions. It assumes that people are discreet and will handle such information with care. It also assumes that people are sensitive. Not everyone – even the people closest to you – are like this. The worse stigma, after all, can come from those closest to you.
The truth is being open about this is tricky for most people. Being called a liar makes one sound criminal. And no one should be made to feel criminal about something so personal and kind of traumatic.
I strongly disagree with the notion that people don’t *really* want to know how we are. Give others more credit! If I’m at the market and the checker asks how I am, I believe they want to know. But the context isn’t conducive to giving them a blow-by-blow account of my experience with bipolar disorder. Yes, technically saying “fine” when you are not is a lie but come on. It’s just like telling someone you like the meal they prepared when you don’t. No biggie.
What I did was I redefined “fine” once I reached middle age. If there are less than five significant things wrong with me, I’m “fine.” Your number doesn’t have to be five. I am open with family members that that is my definition of “fine.”
I think they are reassured to know that if something were seriously bad to the level they needed to be concerned, I’d tell them about it. They are also comfortable not hearing about my every ache and pain–which I don’t want to share anyway, mostly.
That’s how I deal with it, “You know, when people ask me how I am, I answer with a polite ‘fine,’ but you do know that if something was seriously wrong—or more wrong than what you already know about–I’d tell you, right?”
I also reserve the right to lie to people who are asking questions that are none of their business, especially when not answering would be an answer or when from their ignorance they would make my condition more difficult to bear.
Living with bipolar disorder is hard enough without having to take responsibility for neurotypical people’s angst that they don’t understant mental illness well, or the stress they add by trying to offer “advice” as if being sane is the result of something wise they are doing rather than them just not having this neurological condition.
Neurotypical people very frequently don’t “get” that neurotypicality isn’t something they are choosing or doing or getting “right,” and so their well-meaning advice about how they cope with their own lives is frequently grossly inappropriate or inapplicable to coping with having a bipolar brain.
So rather than ranting endlessly about them thinking they know when they just don’t, I accept that their inability to refrain from giving bad advice is *their* burden, not mine. Bipolar disorder is tough enough without the neurotypical world’s flaws and foibles becoming my problem.
The reason it’s okay for me to say, “I’m fine” to someone who’s not part of my treatment team or isn’t one of the close family members who would care for me in an emergency is this: Information about whether I’m “fine” or not is my personal, confidential medical information and I have NO obligation to share it with ANYONE who isn’t on my treatment team or the relevant next-of-kin person.
“I’m fine” is the polite term for “My medical details are really not your business.” It’s not a “lie” when it’s a socially-obligatory piece of polite noise.
Lying to mislead someone about something material that *is* their business, or to manipulate them into doing something using underhanded tactics—those counter-factual statements are wrong, and they’re wrong even if you intentionally mislead (lie) by *how* you tell the literal truth.
A mere acquaintance who asks, “How are you?” or “How have you been?” is “lying” in their own way by pretending they want the answer. But it’s polite social noise.
Imagine the social results if we greeted other people by saying, “Hi. I haven’t thought about you at all since I last saw you and I really don’t care how you are, but I want you to think I’m a nice, friendly, polite person, so I’m going through the motions. And I know you really couldn’t care less how I am and probably haven’t thought of me since you last saw me, either. Yes, I think you’re probably roughly just as good and bad a person as anyone else. It would not upset me if you had a nice day. We shouldn’t do lunch sometime because as far as I can tell we don’t have a darn thing in common.”
I think that one of the important steps in healing the therapy end of bipolar is noticing when we are persistently holding ourselves to an unrealistic, even impossible expectation and crafting a “challenge” to that expectation.
In this case, here’s one way to state a similar myth: “It is always bad to tell people deliberate untruths; if someone asks me about something private, I have to tell them what they asked and I have to tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
One way I’d phrase a challenge to that is, “It is okay for me to politely decline to reveal my private medical or life information to people who don’t have a specific, legitimate need to see it. It is okay for me to use standard, polite, social phrases to decline even if those are blatantly counter-factual. I get to choose my treatment team, and I get to choose which trusted friend or family member will make decisions if I become incapacitated. I would understand and accept this as okay if someone else did it–I have the same right to privacy that they do.”
You don’t have to believe a challenge at first—just craft one that you know intellectually is true. Repeating a challenge is a great way to cope with persistent myths that undermine your recovery.
Okay, scratch me saying that as if I know what’s best for everyone else’s head. This is how *I* personally deal with the “fine” dilemma and the “truth” dilemma.
The reality is that I was raised to be excruciatingly truthful in mortal fear of disappointing Jesus. (This is nothing against anyone else’s personal religious beliefs.)
I had to learn to appreciate that it was a positive move towards greater functionality, and was a matter of personal growth, to learn what neurotypical society’s norms were for “truth” and apply them in my life.
There’s a lot of overlap between people who have bipolar and people who have borderline or have some traits of borderline.
Moderation is usually hard for us. It can be hard for us to come to terms with gray in our lives. We tend to be very black and white thinkers. Learning to see and appreciate gray is a vital recovery skill.
I know “recovery” is a term usually used for addiction, but I find that managing bipolar in my life includes learning special coping skills and unlearning self-destructive memes.
Black and white thinking, when overdone, can be very self-destructive for me. There is positive value for my recovery in seeking out opportunities to recognize and practice conceptually embracing gray.
I don’t mean to sound like a one-woman DBT buzzword convention. I took on DBT to recover from some PTSD stuff. I had been “high function” with just the bipolar, but adding PTSD on top of it knocked me on my behind. Mania or depression, you can just take a pill (sometimes). PTSD you just can’t–you _have to_ do some intense therapeutic work to get past the nasty symptoms.
I’ve found the skills did help with the PTSD symptoms, but they also help me with managing my bipolar generally.
Wonder how many people with Bipolar Disorder I’ve lied too while they were lying to me?
I really related to this Natasha. I have lived for years telling everyone so am fine (and this was even before I was diagnosed). Many friendships have fallen away because I wasn’t being honest. Only my dearest and dearest have known the truth and even then it has been played down at times to protect them.
I have been more honest about it lately and have found blogging about it has helped. If I am telling the while world I am suffering and have Bipolar, I ‘should’ be able to talk about it more ‘in real life’. It is hard though to undo years of ‘I’m fine’ habits.
I think everyone needs to have safe people in your life with whom you are open and honest. That’s a basic human need you’re denying yourself – empathy, caring, compassion. Those that love you WANT to know the truth. That doesn’t necessarily mean anyone wants to hear continuous “poor me” talk, but not saying anything is rather brutal to yourself. It reminds me of people with MS and similar illness. It’s chronic, painful and invisible. People ask how you’re doing and you feel like they don’t really want to know the answer. Yet there are people that love you… people that care. They may not be able to do one darn thing to help except tell you they care and they know it sucks, but maybe that’s what you need to hear sometimes.