When I make a mistake while experiencing bipolar depression, I beat myself up like none other. I get so angry with myself and obsess over any tiny, perceived mistake I make. Bipolar depression (and depression, in general) is brutal for that. As we all make them, we need to learn to deal with mistakes even with bipolar depression.
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Last week I tattooed over my suicide attempt scars. This isn’t because I wanted to cover every scar on my body – quite frankly, I have tens of self-harm scars – this is for other reasons. Covering specifically my suicide attempt scars with a tattoo is symbolic. I consider it positive and I hope its permanency will remind me of its positivity for the rest of my life.
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I want to be dead. I live with wanting to be dead every day. It’s this thought that constantly plagues my mind: “I want to be dead.” I want to not be here. I want to go home. I want anything that will end the suffering. Living with wanting to be dead is, well, a bitch.
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Many people have made the point bipolar disorder is an invisible illness. That’s one of the things about it that make it so frustrating. People can’t see bipolar disorder; it isn’t part of their reality; so, obviously, it isn’t important or life-altering. Some people take this to the conclusion of suggesting bipolar disorder doesn’t really exist at all. But we know bipolar disorder is real. We know something doesn’t have to be outwardly visible, or even visible under a microscope, to be real. Bipolar disorder may be an inherently invisible illness but let’s do what we can to make it visible. Let’s stand up for the invisible.
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My daily life is based around the single concept of not making my bipolar disorder worse. It seems I’ve gotten past the point where I can do anything to get better, so all I can do is not make my bipolar disorder worse. This is an incredibly depressing realization. This realization posits that I will be in pain every day and the only thing I can do is not make that pain worse. I will continue to be bludgeoned every day, all I can do is make the club smaller.
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Suicide in the LGBTQ community is rampant. And in those in the LGBTQ community with bipolar disorder, it’s even worse. Please help stem that tide.
I know many of you are straight — most of you are, in fact. But I’m not. I’m bisexual. I’m part of the LGBTQ community and I’m asking for your help to stop suicide in this community and especially in the community where an LGBTQ person also has bipolar disorder. A queer youth with bipolar disorder has the very highest risk of suicide. This double-whammy of a sexuality that many won’t accept and an illness that can take your life is something that is almost impossible to deal with.
Almost.
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I’m often caught in the eye of bipolar disorder and I don’t know what to do. This can manifest as not knowing what to do next with treatment, what to write in my next article or even what action I should take next during the day. I just feel lost. Being overwhelmed with bipolar disorder is definitely part of this, but I think bipolar disorder almost zaps the thoughts of what to do next from my brain. I just don’t know what to do.
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I judge my bipolar disorder disability. I admit it. I do. I wish I didn’t. I wish I were more Buddhist. I wish I could show more enlightenment in this way. But I judge how disabled I am by my bipolar disorder and I just don’t know how not to.
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I know I need to take medication for my bipolar disorder. I know that going without medication isn’t an option for me. I know that I am far too sick for non-medication options to make even a dent in my illness. These things are clear to me. This is how I know I have to take medication for my bipolar disorder.
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