Search Results for: suicide

The Desperation of Mental Illness and Depression

Posted by Natasha Tracy | May 16, 2012

I woke up one morning in 1994 crushed with depression. The first thing I thought of that morning was how much I wanted to kill myself, and if I couldn’t do that, then how much I wanted to hurt myself. I kept cutting implements and bandages near my bed just in case the feelings were too much to bear.

Of course, this was like every morning of my 16-year-old life. I was depressed, but I didn’t know it. I only knew that I wanted to die. I needed to die. I needed it like most people needed breath. And I knew that no one understood.

Home Life, Suicide and Depression

My home life was one of the things driving me to depression and granting me the leanings of suicide. Things there were a hellish nightmare of screaming and hate. And the people related to me and forced to love me gave me no consolation whatsoever as I was sure that they didn’t. These people hated me and wanted me gone every bit as much as I did.

This was, at least partially, my depression talking, but I didn’t know it then. I didn’t know what depression was and I didn’t know how loudly it spoke.

The Only Place That Would Have a Depressed Me

So I found myself in my car trying to drive anywhere away from there. Away from the nexus of crazy. So I drove to the only place that I knew would have me – to the house of my rapist.

As is most often the case my sexual abuse was complicated. And while I hated what this man in his 40s did to me the one thing I couldn’t live without was his love. He would tell me he loved me. This was undoubtedly a lie but convinced as I was that no one else did, that my life was worthless and that I should die, that one sliver of love offered by a minion of Satan made me keep breathing.

I arrived at his house to find him not home – away, undoubtedly grooming other little lovelies for his nest. So I did the only thing I could think to do, I curled up on a square of cement near his front steps and went to sleep weeping – an attempt to escape the world that was trying to kill me.

A Picture of Mental Illness in Crisis

This is a picture of a girl in crisis. A girl so tightly wound in the grasp of depression that she can see no way of dealing with it at all. A girl so desperate to feel anything but the pain of mental illness she was prepared to put her body and her soul in harm’s way just to not feel like death was upon her for one brief moment in time.

Under the Influence of Drugs – I Can Think Just Fine

Posted by Natasha Tracy | May 14, 2012

I’m on Twitter. Not a surprise there. And I have a pretty active following there. Most of the people are fans, but a few aren’t. A few quite disagree with me and what I have to say. Which is fine. People can have their views.

And recently, I was tweeting along, minding my own business when someone said this to me:

and have you been on antidepressant, mind altering drugs all these years. Making choices while under the influence

My first reflex was to reply,

and have you been making choices all this time while being an ignorant, sanctimonious ass?

Sigh.

But I’ve heard through the grapevine that wouldn’t be professional. So I said nothing. If Mr. Twitter wants to judge me for taking medically prescribed medication, that’s his right. Even if it is a small-minded, uncompassionate, hateful thing to do.

And really, I have snarky answers for many of the asinine comments people make to me. However, I don’t tend to share them as it makes people all pissy. That being said, this particular comment hit a sore spot – being under the influence of brain-bending medications.

What to Do If You Start to Feel Suicidal

Posted by Natasha Tracy | May 10, 2012

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else please get help now. People want to help you. You are not alone.

Often people with bipolar disorder, depression and other mental illnesses feel suicidal. And people often feel suicidal knowing that they aren’t, actually, going to commit suicide. And while the knowledge that you likely aren’t going to commit suicide might be comforting to some, it sure doesn’t make feeling suicidal any more fun.

Starting to Feel Suicidal

And starting to feel suicidal can begin with little things like feeling crushing depression, unstoppable loneliness or indeed feeling nothing at all. People have different cycles that lead to feeling suicidal. Regardless though, when you start to feel like you want off the planet, there are some things you can do.

The Mind-Brain Split and Enlightenment in Mental Illness

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 22, 2012

I wrote a rather popular piece a while back called A Damaged Brain and a Mind Trying to Deal with It. If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this before as it’s part of my bio. If not, then it might be the first time you’ve heard that turn of phrase.

Commenter Reply

And recently a commenter replied:

I do not believe in this mind/body duality. I believe that you are your body.

OK, no problem. I don’t expect everyone to agree on such things. I have nothing invested in making the world agree with me.

But the thing is, I know there is a brain-mind separation. And how do I know this? Perspective. It’s your free gift with a purchase of 10 or more years of bipolar disorder.

Have You Had ECT? Help Others and Tell Me Where

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Feb 23, 2012

As many of you know I’m writing a book on electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). This book will hopefully answer all the questions a person might have before undergoing ECT treatment as well as share with them my personal experience and the experience of others.

And I’ve decided to include, at the back of the book a list of hospitals that offer ECT to help people who want the treatment with a starting point on how to get it.

There’s just one problem – there’s no central repository on who offers ECT treatment.

Please Help Me with the List of Hospitals that Offer ECT

So I’m asking for your help. If you know of a facility that offers ECT, please let me know in the comments below and I’ll add it to the list. You’ll be helping me and helping others as well. Please include hospitals in Canada and the US.

And, of course, if you have any questions about ECT, also feel free to comment on those and I’ll make sure the answers are here and in the book.

Thanks.

Bipolar Spectrum Disorders – What is Cyclothymia?

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Jan 22, 2012

Cyclothymia is neither bipolar depression nor unipolar depression but instead it is an illness that lies somewhere in the middle.

When psychiatric illnesses first started being recognized, some doctors felt that unipolar and bipolar depressions weren’t really the binary options for an illness but really just opposite ends of a spectrum. So then, one would have a spectrum where one could be a 100% bipolar depressive, or 100% unipolar depressive or they could lay somewhere in the middle. However, as illnesses need names and diagnostic criteria and not really vague percentages, bipolar and unipolar depression were defined separately.

Bipolar II – Within the Bipolar Spectrum

Bipolar 2 though, is recognition of this false dichotomy. Bipolar 2 really sits in between unipolar and bipolar depression as more depressed than bipolar 1 but more hypomanic (emotionally dysregulatory) than unipolar depression. (See the difference between bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 disorders.)

And that’s fine as far as it goes. But there is also recognition from a lot of doctors that other states lie even more in the middle, and cyclothymia is one such disorder.

What’s the Worst Mental Illness?

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Jan 17, 2012

I, as a good little webmistress, keep an eye on my web analytics. So yes, I know some things about my audience, and one of the things I know is what people are searching for when they find me. This sometimes influences what I write about, like today: What is the worst mental illness?

What is the Worst Mental Illness?

That depends on how you judge it. You could judge it by suicide rate, in which case:

Anorexia is the worst with about a 20-25% suicide rate*
Bipolar is second worst with about a 15% suicide rate
Schizophrenia is third worst with about a 10% suicide rate

You could judge the worst mental illness based on disability rates in which case you would probably get:

Schizophrenia as the worst
Bipolar as second worst
Depression as third worst (although more people with depression are on disability overall)

Perhaps schizophrenia is the worst as it’s associated with more psychosis (delusions and hallucination). Perhaps major depression is worst because of the number of treatment-resistant cases.

Or perhaps the answer is simply this: The worst mental illness is the one you have.

Laura’s Law – Forced Treatment, Saved Lives

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 19, 2011

Some of you may have heard of Laura’s Law in California or Kendra’s Law (similar) in New York. These laws, and similar laws across 42 states, allow for court-ordered treatment of mental illness as a condition of community living.

In other words, they strong-arm people into treatment and this could be seen as treatment without consent. (It’s hard to argue consent when your ability to live outside a locked facility is in jeopardy.)

And this is a very good thing. It is saving lives (among other things).