At some point, those of us with bipolar need to tell others we have bipolar disorder; but the question is, how do you tell someone you have bipolar disorder in a way that avoids negative outcomes? This is something I have wrestled with and it’s something I get asked about a lot. Here are some tips on how to tell someone you have bipolar disorder.
Why Are You Telling Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder?
The first thing you should do is look at why you’re telling someone you have bipolar disorder. Most reasons are just fine, you just want to identify them because they dictate the outcome you are looking for from the conversation.
For example, are you telling a friend you have bipolar disorder because you need his support? Are you telling someone because you want to be honest and authentic? There are many “whys” and it’s helpful to identify yours.
What You Want After Telling Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder
Once you know why you’re telling someone you have bipolar disorder, it leads you to understand what you want from the conversation — your goals.
Your goals might be:
- Greater understanding from the person
- Support
- Accomidation
- The ability to be open and authentic
Or it could be anything else that is important to you. Your goals are important because they’re what you’re having the conversation for.
What to Remember When Considering How to Tell Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder
Remember that the person likely has little-to-no knowledge about the facts around bipolar disorder. The person probably only knows what he has seen on TV or in the movies. Remember, you were once in that situation, too. Consider what you would have wanted to know when you were in that situation and let that help guide this new conversation.
Also, remember that telling someone you have bipolar disorder is scary for him and not just for you. Finding out that someone you care about has a possibly-lethal diagnosis is frightening. Let the person have that feeling. Honor it. It’s
Additionally, consider that when you tell someone you have bipolar disorder, his reaction may not be ideal. For example, once you tell the person you have bipolar, he might say, “No you don’t!”
That really happens. It sounds crazy, but it’s just a part of the acceptance process for the other person. This is just the shock of the moment talking. This information will be very surprising to telling the person. It’s understandable that he is going to act shocked and this may prevent the person from being supportive in the way you would want. Understand this going in. When you tell someone, for the moment, it is about the other person and not you. Acceptance of bipolar disorder is a process for you and for him.
Finally, have your own supports set up for after the conversation. Have a person to call or a place to go. This conversation may go well or it may not go well. You want to have someone to turn to if you need to. You need to support yourself through what might be difficult. Sure, you may not need emotional support afterward if things go really well but it’s better to have the support and not need it rather than need it and not have it.
10 Tips on How to Tell Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder
Once you’ve thoroughly considered the above, here are some tips on the actual conversation when you will tell someone you have bipolar disorder:
- Consider the setting. Try to find a quiet place where just the two of you can talk. Don’t ever have this conversation in a car (for a whole host of reasons).
- Consider the timing. You want to allow lots of time for this conversation. The person you’re telling might have one question or they might have 50.
- Allow for space. Once you break this news to a person, that person may need some time and space. This is okay. As I said, this can be a shock for people. If the person needs to take a walk around the block, let him.
- Be ready with facts. Just telling someone you have bipolar disorder isn’t enough. You are going to have to explain what that means. “Bipolar disorder” may sound scary to the other person or it may sound like a punchline, you don’t know, so you need to be prepared to supplant this confusion with facts.
- Be ready with examples. Just the facts (such as: “bipolar disorder is a mental illness comprised or extreme mood states called . . .”) isn’t usually enough to help people understand. Try and be ready with examples from your own life as to what bipolar disorder is really like. Pick examples ahead of time that you are comfortable sharing.
- Don’t explain too much. Just like explaining the facts of bipolar disorder is important, it’s also important not to over-explain. You want the person to have a basic understanding of the terms but you don’t want his head to explode.
- Provide additional materials. Because you really can only explain so much in an introductory conversation, I recommend leaving the person with additional reading materials, links to reputable sites, etc. For example, my book, Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar is usually a great start in explaining depression or bipolar disorder to a person. Of course, there are many other fine books too. There are also websites. I have written much of the material on bipolar disorder for HealthyPlace, for example. The person may review these materials or not, but at least it’s available if he wants to.
- Stay calm. I know talking about bipolar disorder can be emotional and I know that we can be an emotional bunch, but if you can, stay calm. Try to stay grounded and stick to what you want to say. This allows for space for the other person to feel what he’s feeling. (If you can’t stay calm, don’t worry, you’re human, it happens.)
- Write down what you want to say ahead of time. This is a lot of tips on how to tell someone you have bipolar disorder, I don’t think you can expect to remember them all in a difficult moment so plan out ahead of time what you want to say and how you want to say it. This is your conversation, so make it what you’re comfortable with but consider the other person too.
- Remember: the first reaction isn’t necessarily the final reaction. When you tell someone you have a serious mental illness he may not react well. The person may be combative, disbelieving or even abusive. (This is why you need your own support for this conversation.) Try to remember that in time, that reaction can change. Sometimes the person needs an hour and sometimes the person needs a month, but how the person really feels about the situation may take time to come out. Even if the person initially reacts badly, it doesn’t mean he won’t be
a wonderful support down the road.
In short, it’s tough telling someone you have bipolar disorder, but it’s not the kind of thing you can hide forever from those with whom you are close so plan on having this conversation — many times. Sometimes this conversation will be uneventful. Sometimes it will facilitate you learning something new about the person you tell (like that he has a mental illness too — it happens more than you’d think). And sometimes it may be negative. Nevertheless, it’s important to have this conversation to facilitate your best life with bipolar disorder. You need support and you need to feel free to be your real self around people and this conversation can help get you there.
Image by Flickr user Ron Mader.
I’ve also found this helpful…ask them about someone famous who has “come out ” with bipolar disorder. “Did you know Carrie Fisher was bipolar?” I do this to gauge how they feel / perceive the disorder. If they say something like, “yeah, man, what a nut.” then I know this is a toxic person to avoid…
Love your blog Natasha. Keep being a stigma buster.
I suggest sticking with the label Bipolar Disorder and not mention that used to be called Manic Depression. I have found some people latch on to the ‘,manic’ bit which twists in their minds into “maniac” ! I once told someone I Bipolar. What’s that? They enquired. As soon as I said the old name, fear came into their eyes, like I was a mad axeman. They made their excuses and left el pronto!