This is an interesting question: how does a person with bipolar disorder think? Of course, it’s hard for me to compare it with your average person as I have bipolar. I don’t have the two thought processes in my one brain to compare.
Nevertheless, I do have some ideas on how people with bipolar disorder think that seem to stand out amongst the “normals.”
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I was driving in my car yesterday morning, groceries in the back, a freshly frothed latte in the front, when I flipped to a radio station, heard one line of a song and started crying. The song lyric is inconsequential; I knew that then and know it now. What is consequential is that my bipolar disorder heard the song and used it as an excuse to be upset. My depression, my loathing, creeping, squirming depression, popped its fucking head up and made me burst into tears for no reason on a perfectly functional Wednesday morning. I had a breakthrough bipolar event.
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If you know my story of bipolar disorder treatment, you know that it hasn’t been a pleasant one. Doctors have fired me and given up on me. I have tried a host of treatments that didn’t work. I have experienced almost every side effect under the sun. I have bumped into holes in the healthcare system that have denied me access to a psychiatrist. I’ve spent years wanting to die. I have seen, and lived through, it all. And I would say there are many unmet needs in the treatment of bipolar disorder. I would say these unmet needs are part of bipolar treatment and part of the system in which treatment is delivered. I don’t blame psychiatrists or psychiatry, specifically. I would say there is plenty of blame to go around.
So when I think about unmet needs in bipolar disorder treatment, there seems to me to be many.
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I get asked this question quite a bit, “How do I become a mental health advocate.” (Or mental illness advocate, or bipolar advocate, or what have you.)
Mostly I think people fall into mental health advocacy. I did. In fact, I never really considered myself a mental health (mental illness) advocate*, I always just considered myself a writer, but people started calling me a mental health advocate, so, I guess I became one.
I think advocacy comes down to being a loudmouth for what you think is right. That’s about it. So to be a mental health advocate you just have to have some strong opinions on mental health and a good set of lungs.
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I get asked lots of questions, but even more questions are silently asked of Google and one of those is, “Is something wrong with you if you think of killing yourself?” The question as to whether something is “wrong” with you if you think suicidal thoughts often leads people to this blog so I thought it was important to address the question.
I actually think the odd thought of suicide is not unusual. A friend once told me that he was unable to take an acetaminophen without thinking of the number it would take to kill him. This particular friend isn’t remotely suicidal but it’s just one of those thoughts that floats through his mind. I don’t think it means anything, per se, other than the fact that his mind is pretty active.
Of course, there are thoughts of killing yourself and there are thoughts of killing yourself.
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I’ve written a couple of posts on the worst things to say to a person with bipolar disorder and saying, “Isn’t everyone a little bipolar?” certainly ranks among the worst.
It’s so unbelievably dismissive and invalidating of a medical illness that I can barely fathom it. One very mature person on Facebook simply said, of this statement, “I guess our work fighting stigma isn’t done yet.” That’s an awfully gracious way of putting it.
The answer to this question is “no.” No, no, no, no, no, a thousand times no. Seriously. To suggest that everyone is a little bit bipolar shows an absolute ignorance of bipolar disorder and of mental illness in general.
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Last time I talked about feeling suicidal and who to tell if you’re feeling suicidal. This time I talk about how to tell someone you’re feeling suicidal.
If you’re telling a professional, it’s actually not that hard. Just come straight out and tell them. Don’t dance around it and try not to be afraid because they’ve heard the words, “I’m suicidal,” so many more times than you can imagine. They know those words and they know what to do with them. Remember, you can’t get help and you can’t feel better if you don’t tell anyone.
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People ask me about suicide, and I talk about suicide, all the time. I talk about suicide warning signs and suicide attempts and getting help for suicidal feelings.
And, of course, one of the big things I say in bold, underlined letters is that if you’re feeling suicidal you need to tell someone. You absolutely, positively need to reach out for help.
But let’s face it, it’s not easy to admit you’re suicidal, even to yourself, let alone to another person, so how do you tell someone you’re suicidal?
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Bipolar disorder feels like a curse. It feels like somewhere, somehow, I’ve ticked off an old, horror-movie, crone and she’s cursed me to 1000 years of suffering. 1000 years of grating, clawing, slicing, pounding agony.
Any why do people get cursed? People get cursed because they did something wrong. I must have done something wrong. I must have done something unspeakably wrong. And I hate myself for it.
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